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AM Who Wishes: Feeling Alienated from AF
am an AM student at a university where everyone works really hard. I don't want to get into much detail about my background (which probably matters a lot). My problem basically is that the infamous AA gender divide is blown up in my mind.
I actually grew up in a community with lots of Asians, but ended up dating only white girls. That wasn't intentional; if anything, I would have preferred dating Asian girls, but I never became part of any Asian clique or group of friends. I never even thought seriously about race before I came to college, but at times it seems I'm so obsessed by it--not in a very explicit way, but in a subversive, insidious way. I've become very concerned about AA issues, although I feel almost entirely powerless to do anything about them except on a very personal level; even then, I feel regrettably limited by my shyness and underdeveloped social skills.
Somehow, it has come to bother me a lot the way some AF's sometimes seem to react to me. Maybe it's just me and my perception. For example, I might be walking down a relatively empty hallway by myself and cross an AF walking in the opposite direction towards me by herself. She'll seem self-conscious about this situation, and I become painfully aware of her body language, whether she becomes stiff, stare fixedly straight ahead, whips her head to the side away from me, and so on. I've even had a few women turn their head to the side away from me and hold it there while walking past me. Other things...
I'm not ugly. I don't dress badly. I have no physical deformities. I may appear very guarded and defensive at times, especially now more than before. I would probably even seem self-conscious walking past the AF in the example above. It's a vicious cycle. I have a very hard time trusting AF strangers now. I'm not completely incompetent when it comes to women, but it's gotten to the point where I might find an AF attractive and may even sense (mutual) chemistry, but be unwilling to chat her up because a voice in my head wonders if she hates Asian guys, or if she only befriends but doesn't date AM's, etc. Don't get me wrong--I do love my Asian "sisters", especially because of my concern for AA issues. All of this has even affected for the worse my chances with other women and my relationships in general. All in all, it's just killing my self-confidence.
I think I have a tentative grasp on what's going on, and I realize part of the problem is with myself. I probably haven't given enough information about myself, and I haven't discussed other issues and how everything interacts in a complex dynamic. I'm not even sure I framed an actual question for advice. Oh well, maybe I've said enough. I'd just like to know what others think and whether anyone else has similar feelings or experiences.
AM who wishes the AA community was stronger
Wednesday, February 13, 2002 at 00:20:01 (PST)
YOUR ADVICE
You're not alone bro -- fight on! I love my AA community too, but think that the two sexes don't have enough trust and mutual faith.
Equally Frustrated K-Am
Wednesday, February 13, 2002 at 12:20:41 (PST)
AM who wishes the AA community was stronger,
I use to also be one of those really goal driven individual at a good university. I did not like the Asian clubs, churches, or other asian groups on campus, being more comfortable as a loner type. I wasn't a social butterfly, but I would keep asian friends on campus that would keep me in touch about parties and other events though email or what not.
But the girl thing in the hallway maybe you are just staring too much. Girls are sometimes very insecure being by themselves. All that date rape stuff on campus can effect a girl you know.
As for AF, they not going to fall head over hells over you just because you are an AM. AF are basically just like WF, except they don't come in natural blond with hazzle eyes. Some AF do are blond with hazzle eyes, but they are add-ons and not real, no matter how much the AF says to the contrary.
You should just ask yourself. How are you getting dates with WF? How can you get an AF into a similar position as the WF, so that you may aquire a date from her?
AC dropout
Wednesday, February 13, 2002 at 12:02:09 (PST)
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