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Kevin's Brotherly Advice to Asian Females
irst of all, I'd like to thank Debra, Happy Gurl, CA-Girl, and WF-28 for
nominating me to write this column. This column is dedicated to all of you and
other females regardless of race that support and empower us Asian
American Males. Of course, this column focuses on Asian American females.
However, it may also apply to other females as well and I'd like all of you
to take this to heart.
In today's world, there is NO doubt that the media is incredibly bias
towards Asian Males. There's also very little that can be done to prevent
this from happening as most of what is seen on television is written to
cater both to the White Male and the Black Male. However, the question here
is whether such stereotypes are taken at face value or considered that which
it truly is, entertainment. The fact of the matter is, what is seen on the
media is often entertainment whether news or NOT and what is interesting to
the human eye is always a sense of "sensationalized journalism" as what is
usually the dry truth will NEVER be written. Most of us enjoy the media for
its ability to entertain, but we all must understand that the actual truth
is far from what is portrayed. This is where understanding the Asian Male
comes in. Asian Females of all people should be the first to understand our
plight as it seems that many of you are also living under constant scrutiny
from these stereotypes. Just as Asian Females are NOT: submissive,
exotically sexual beings, Asian Males are NOT: weak, cold and uncaring. Too
much of what we believe can be attributed to such untrue stereotypes and
therefore, the judgement upon a person is all too often unfair and without
true knowledge. I therefore encourage our Asian Female sisters to look
beyond what you are taught by the media and explore the inner persona of the
Asian Male.
Compliments are hard to come by these days whether from work, parents,
or other sources. It seems that people are more inclined to criticize than
anything else in today's world since it seems that the object of game is to
remove blame from oneself. In a relationship however, compliments are
sometimes the one thing that can keep a relationship together and to my own
admission, Asian Males need help in this arena. And who better to help us in
this area then our own Asian Female sisters. When our sisters need support
and/or comfort, it is often the case that the Asian Male knows little of
what do during those times. However, in my own experience and in the
experiences of many of my colleagues and friends, all it takes is a little
encouragement. Sometimes, it is important for women of all races to convey
what they are thinking. It is unfortunate that Asian Males or males of any
race for that matter, are NOT mind readers. But I am NOT saying that as
means of being sarcastic, it's just difficult for us (men) to understand
what you're thinking. We HONESTLY want to know, but of course reality is a
different story. However, I'm NOT saying to be totally obvious as to cheapen
the whole experience, but a little clue can go a long way. All we need is a
hint.
Many of us, Asian Male and Female alike, grew up in households that were
both strict and unforgiving. Sometimes our parents love and wish for us to
be successful and provided for, created a rift of disagreement, which damaged
our relationships with them. Sadly, many of us Asian Americans see this and
try our best to distance ourselves from our parent's "Asianess". This is
both good and bad in the sense that YES we drop what is perceived as bad and
outdated, but at the same time, this action somewhat forbids us to see what
is good about our heritage. The fact is, NO civilization and/or race is
superior in their ways to any other. There are good and bad, smart and dumb,
people of any race, religion, or heritage. Such a judgement call to say that
"American" values are always right is almost COMPLETELY wrong. There are
good and bad elements of it just as there are good and bad elements of Asian
culture. It is possible, though difficult, for someone to have an active and
fulfilling social life, while maintaining a high SAT score as well. My point
here is that all too often, the Asian Male has his heritage held against him
and for little or no reason. The thought of him becoming like a typical
Asian father bothers females to no end. This is of course, NOT an insult to
all Asian Father's out there, but there is a prevailing stereotype of the
Asian Father which harms the Asian Male image. NO, the Asian Male is NOT
going to whip his children, nor will he set impossible standards for him or
her. Keep in mind that the Asian Male and Asian Female grew up in a similar
fashion and such deeds are ones to avoid in his mind. Here, I ask our Asian
Female sisters to embrace what has become of the Asian Male identity. The
two of you share much and have a great deal in common. Instead of holding
such a past against him, talk and elaborate about it to a mutual
understanding. You Asian Females will find that the past that both of you
share can actually help and brighten your relationship. If your Asian Male
boyfriend will open up to you in this context, there is little else he will
hide from you as far as personal feelings are concerned. Understanding these
commonalties are a step in the right direction.
I sometimes wonder what is this game that we play? Why is it that a girl
must be asked out, or pursued before she and a male can begin a courtship? I
say this because it seems that quite often, the complaint from an Asian
Female is that "NO Asian Males will ask me out" and to this, I can totally
understand. There seems to be a serious communication breakdown between
Asian Males and females of ANY race. Some of us, for lack of a better word,
are "shy-guys" and do not retain the confidence to approach a member of the
opposite sex. We constantly stare yet we make NO attempt to make verbal
contact with someone we find attractive. To this I will tell all my Asian
Male brothers to, "STEP UP!" and ask the girl out or at least initiate
contact with her. There's NOTHING more rude than constant staring and there
NOTHING more frowned upon than a missed opportunity. I can totally
understand how frustrated some of you Asian Females must feel to find an
Asian Male attractive yet NOTHING happens because he lacks the confidence to
approach you. The current statistics obviously still support the notion that
Asian Males are still more attracted to Asian Females than any other group,
and there are still more Asian-Asian couples than any other arrangement
involving Asians. Therefore, the attraction is obviously there but there is
NO icebreaker to get things started. This is where I ask our Asian Female
sisters to stop hinting and start asking. Again, sometimes it is hard for
Asian Males to pick up on hints or clues, therefore perhaps you should just
"hit him in the head". Instead of smiling 15 times up and down a supermarket
aisle, save sometime and talk to him. Keep in mind that just because he's
occupied with something at the moment DOES NOT mean he doesn't notice you.
In fact, more often than not, he does notice you, but he's just too shy to
make contact. Remember a tiny little word or verbal hint can go a LONG WAY.
Talk to him, what harm can it be. Forget the stereotypes and existing norms,
if he can ask you out, why can't you ask him out?
Often an issue of distress for all girlfriends of Asian Males is the
mother. In fact, I have been the giver of advice on this issue for quite
sometime now. The reason stems from the closeness between the Asian Male and his
mother. During difficult times with parents, usually the father, his mother
often comforts the Asian Male throughout his early days. This can be seen as
both immature and/or affectionate, but the implication upon a relationship is
obvious, there will be times where the Asian Male will have to chose between his
mother and his girlfriend or wife. In such a situation, it is almost "no win"
for anybody, especially the Asian Male since he no doubt wishes to keep both
relationships in good order. However, to all my Asian Female sisters out there,
understand that the mother's word is NEVER absolute and more often than not,
your Asian Male boyfriend will side with you while trying to pacify his mother.
I guess the key here is to avoid such a controversy whenever possible. This is
NOT to say that the Asian Female should be submissive to the mother-in-law, but
try to keep the Asian Male's attention AWAY from his mother and towards you.
This can easily be accomplished with some nurturing or a good conversation. See,
Asian Males, like other males, probably have the ability to separate thoughts.
They usually only occupy their minds with one thought. If you constantly make
him think about you, his girlfriend, I doubt conflicts with the mother will ever
occur. If such a situation already developed where there is a rift between you
and his mother, the before mentioned scheme will also contribute to a peaceful
solution. The key is to let him know that you stand by him and that he does NOT
have to chose between parties. In fact, by standing by him even when there's a
disagreement with his mother, he'll be more likely to settle the dispute with
his mother via peaceful means and who knows perhaps you and his mother will
become best friends.
Humans are imperfect and of course to expect perfection is completely
ludicrous. However, to strive for perfection, is a noble feat. I say this
because it seems, today more than ever, it is all too easy to judge upon someone
by the color of their skin through existing stereotypes. To be honest, there are
times where I become a victim of that trap as well, but I, like many of my
peers, try VERY hard to judge people on a case by case basis. The fact remains
that all of us are individuals on this planet no matter, white, yellow, black,
or brown. Each person has his/her unique qualities and even if 2 people are of
the same heritage, there are definite differences in between the two of their
personalities. I ask my Asian Females sisters and all other women to judge the
Asian Male on who he really is rather than what his facial features entail.
You'll find that we are NO different from any other individual on the face of
the planet in that we all strive for different goals and accomplishments. Some
of us, just like any other American, strive to be doctors, lawyers and
engineers, yet others wish to be film directors or writers. Do NOT assume that
just because one is an Asian Male that he wishes to strive for financial success
and nothing more. It only takes reality to strike down that generalization as
there are many Asian Males who just wish to make a decent living just like any
other human being. The strive for success is more for a reason of responsibility
than actual success. Sure, we all know the Asian Males score the highest on
tests, or have the highest average salary, but are these really a gage for
greed? Probably NOT, in fact these facts are more a sign of living up to
responsibility than anything else, and I believe most Asian Females see this NO
differently as you shadow us in almost every academic statistic out there.
Therefore, I ask all the Asian Females out there NOT to judge upon the Asian
Male by the color of his skin, but rather his own personality. You find a wealth
of information, and much of it is very common to your own sense of being.
Realize that both Asian Males and Females grew up in a similar fashion and
embrace this fact rather than disparage it. Get to know the inner person rather
than rejecting the outer one.
Thank you!,
Kevin Yang
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