PCAM's Brotherly Advice to AA Women

dedicate this Advice Column to all the women in this world, without whom, us men would be in deep trouble. Thank you Ladies! Any advice I give to you is advice I heed myself. My advice is really for anyone even though this column is written primarily to all my Asian sisters. Use my advice if agree with it. Don’t use my advice if you don’t agree with it. It’s okay too. This advice column was written in specific sections to cover specific topics so you will see some advice repeated. My column is divided into two parts: Part One: How do you find relationships and attract people to you? Part Two: Now that you have a relationship, how do you keep it going strong?
     PART 1:
     Let me start with my girlfriend’s three favorite quotes. “We can only give away to others what we already have inside ourselves. Love is giving and it has nothing to do with what you receive. Great attitude makes a big difference.” I asked my girlfriend once, “Babe, if you could only keep one thing you currently own in your life, what would it be and why?” She answered without hesitation, “I would keep my PDA (Personal Digital Assistant). My PDA has all the contact information of everyone I love and care about. You can take all the material things I own in this world. But I will rebuild my life with all my family, friends, and contacts with my PDA.”
     These are only some of the reasons why I love her. I knew she wasn’t kidding after she shared many random contacts in her PDA with me. Each contact had more information like birthdays, likes and dislikes, significant notes about the contact’s life, etc. She genuinely cares about people because she already has abundant love inside herself. She truly gets to know and help people without expecting anything in return. She has a great attitude and respects people.
     These qualities are just a start. But there’s more! Have a warm friendly smile, and make eye contact, which conveys confidence, happiness, enthusiasm, and acceptance of the other person. This acceptance makes it easier for people to approach you. Become genuinely interested in other people. Remember that person’s name and use it. Be a great listener. Encourage other people to talk about themselves, thereby giving you information to determine compatibility. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. Make people feel important and great about themselves with sincere compliments and acknowledge things you admire or respect about them. Honestly see the other person’s point of view. Seek to understand others before you expect others to understand you. Be patient, kind, thoughtful, and compassionate to others. Our lives are not always determined by what happens to us, but how we react to what happens; not by what life brings us, but by the attitude we bring to life! A Positive Attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes!
     You will have more relationships when you understand basic human needs that every normal person has and help them fulfill these needs. Some examples of basic human needs include a sense of personal power, ego-gratification, a feeling of pride and importance, financial success, recognition of efforts, reassurance of worth, social or group approval, acceptance by one’s peers, desire for attention, desire to win, need to be first, to excel, to be the best, a sense of roots, belonging somewhere either to a place or group, the opportunity for creative expression, the accomplishment or achievement of something worthwhile, new experiences, liberty and freedom, privacy from intrusion, high self-esteem, dignity, self-respect, love in all forms, emotional and physical security. If you want to be well liked and popular with others, here are some more things to remember. Be yourself. Listen carefully to other people’s opinions. Ask questions that encourage others to talk. Offer opinions rather than irrefutable facts. Maintain a sense of humor. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Accept criticism gracefully for your mistakes. Be cheerful, friendly, and optimistic. Smile. Never argue with anyone. Give ground on unimportant trifles. Don’t gossip or be a rumormonger. Talk about subjects that other people are interested in. Don’t be a know-it-all or a perfectionist. Don’t set up you own standards of right or wrong or be judgmental of others. Wholeheartedly give attention to others. Be positive and don’t force your opinions on others.
     Confidence attracts while arrogance repels. Be confident enough to praise others, yet humble enough to receive praise without letting it get to your head! Have the confidence to laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously all the time. A confident person does not need to let the world know how great he is; he lets the world find out for itself. Spend more time developing friendships rather than using friendships. Most people can sense selfish and insincere people. Men want to feel useful but not used. Take an active interest in his life and find out what similarities you two share. Similar experiences can create very strong bonds. Treat people as your equal. We all want to be understood and like the feeling that this other person knows and understands us. Be human and imperfect. Being around a perfectionist can be draining because this person expects perfection from imperfect people. Make it okay for him to make mistakes by showing him you are imperfect too. Have a sense of humor and share more laughter together. Trust your instinct, intuition, and have faith that people’s true intentions are revealed not by words, but by their actions. Be yourself so you attract people who like the real you! Be comfortable and proud of yourself, your Asian family, people, culture, heritage, history, ancestors, morals, ethics, and values since these are very attractive qualities to have. You can have a strong balance living both Asian and American cultures.
     Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What I think is beautiful someone else may disagree and vice versa. Your true beauty comes from within and how you really feel about yourself! Superficial character attracts superficial people. Instead of talking subjectively about outer beauty, I will talk about something more important, developing inner beauty. Beauty is what beauty does. My girlfriend’s outer beauty got my attention initially. But it’s her inner beauty that shines brighter because she sincerely lives her three favorite quotes and have many of the qualities mentioned throughout this column. Having sincere appreciation for the people who grace your life and gratitude for the things you already have also increases your inner beauty. No woman has complete control of her outer beauty. However, all women do have complete control of their inner beauty!
     Develop an attractive personality. Great character is essential for an attractive personality. Remove character weaknesses like greed, envy, hatred, jealousy, intolerance, conceit, avarice, and selfishness in your heart. Genuinely care and have unselfish interest in others and their lives. You will attract people who have the same internal nature and character like you. It’s natural to want love, attention, and to belong. Therefore, have these qualities to give to others and you shall receive it in return. Spend less time preoccupied with your outer beauty and more time developing your inner beauty, your attractive personality, other qualities mentioned, and you will attract quality men who know how to appreciate you.
     PART 2:
     Few things in life are more important than having great relationships. Success is unfulfilling without someone you care about to share it with. How do you keep your relationship strong? Start by treating others the way they would like to be treated, not how you would like to be treated. This will create greater harmony in your relationship. Find out what’s important to him, what does he value, and what internal rules he live by.
     Are his answers similar enough with what you think are important, what you value, and any internal rules you live by? If yes, you have potentially a good relationship. Internal rules can be anything mutually agreeable. My girlfriend and I agreed that if we ever got mad enough at each other to say or do something we would forever regret, we would just stop and agree to resolve the disagreement when both of us are calm and less likely to hurt each other. Just like one cannot un-ring a bell that has already been rung, one cannot always completely remove the sting, despite apologies and forgiveness, of something said or done during disagreements to hurt the other person.
     Here are some questions for women to answer about their men. Men should answer the same questions about their women by reversing the gender in the question. Similar answers reveal strength in your relationship, compatibility, and how well you know each other. Significantly different answers highlight potential weaknesses in your relationship to work on together.
     What qualities does he love about you in the order of importance to him? How interested is he in your life? How supportive and encouraging is he to help you reach your greatest potential? How can he communicate, listen, know and understand you better? How proud is he of your accomplishments/successes? How does he appreciate you? Does he take you for granted? What makes you two compatible? What is the purpose of your relationship? Do you have similar purposes? Are you comfortable enough with him to show your insecurities and vulnerabilities? What would you change about him and why? Do you allow him to be himself? How honest is he with you? How committed is he to making this relationship successful? How confident is he in the relationship to tell you the truth even if it may hurt you? What internal rules are important to you both? How much does he respect you and your opinions? How does he show concern and value the relationship? What will he sacrifice to make you happier? Who decides what to do and can he compromise? How does he solve problems in the relationship? How much do you believe in him, trust, inspire, motivate, and challenge him? How does he make you feel about yourself? What’s important to him? What does he really care about? What’s important about this relationship? What does he expect from this relationship and how it will develop? What are his future goals/plans? What areas of your relationship need improving?
     Both parties should give more into their relationship than they take. Communicate your expectations clearly and early in the relationship to avoid misunderstanding. Be honest with each other, especially if you have unequal expectations. Don’t manipulate as it destroys trust. Keep your relationship first, above your ego and self-interest. Find new things to appreciate about each other. Focus on the positives, not the negatives. Focus on what he has, not what you think he should have. It’s more important to be loved than to be right all the time. Both parties may argue endlessly to have the last word if they always focus on being right. Preface any criticism with some praise first. Then tactfully criticize his mistake, not the person. Be direct and not hint about things since he may not be a mind reader. Let him know what mistakes he has made. Correct mistakes as they come and don’t accumulate his mistakes and wait for one major argument to address every mistake not previously discussed. Move on and don’t bring up that same mistake over and over again after it has been revealed, discussed, apology offered and true forgiveness granted.
     I hope this advice helps all my Asian sisters and all women. Good luck with all your relationships. I conclude with my favorite quote: God gives us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. :)
     Living my own advice, I want to thank my friends, all cool women and men in great relationships. Your inputs were valuable to this advice column. So you want to know what I think about you all? Well read on!! 
Cindy:  A personality too beautiful for words.
Linda:  A smile that warms up any room.
Carmen:  I don’t understand everything you say, but 
   I love your attitude anyway.  
Denise:  Okay you have prettier legs that Sara.
Sara:  Okay you have prettier eyes than Denise.  Is that 
   good enough for some sushi?
Brianna:  Your laughter is contagious.  
Betty:  A qtpi with a caring heart to match.    
Jennifer:  Absent minded.  But adorable anyway.  
Patrick:  Are you sure you want to be the point guard?
Bruce:  The smartest guy I know.  
Thomas:  You are one cool cat.
Jeff (Denise’s):  Learn how to ski or Denise will never 
   let you hear the end of it!  
Perry:  You got a great sense of humor!
Wilson:  Thanks for taking care of business!
Jeff  (Betty’s):  You lucky dog!  Better take care of her!
Ryan:  Your friendship is very much appreciated.

     I save the most important thank you for last. Babe, what would I do without you? Thanks for blessing my life. It was fate that brought us together. But, it’s faith in our relationship and everything it represents that keeps us together. You are a very special person to me. It’s my privilege to be your boyfriend. Luv Always. :)
Proud Chinese American Male

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