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AA ADVICE NETWORK
Isolated and Hypersensitive at Work
am a hypersensitive person. I get hurt easily by other people. I don't take criticism or hostility well. I read too much into other people's words and actions, and then dwell on them too much.
I hate my job and the people there. I feel alienated, so I perform poorly, especially when working with people I don't like. I'm extremely avoidant of a lot of things. I'm leaving soon, anyway.
I'm tired of feeling victimized (even when I'm not actually being a victim of anything). Sometimes, I feel like it's really me against the world...that there's no one on my side.
I've been trying to think of ways to change and to feel stronger. When I feel hurt about something, I just say "F*** them!" in my mind and other stuff... I try to be angry, but sometimes it's really hard. I'd rather be angry at the world then to feel stomped on. I work out a lot, also, and take my anger out on the weights.
I don't feel like talking in detail about why I feel the way I do. I've just had some really bad experiences and these things have a way of snowballing out of one's control. It's been especially hard because I don't have any close friends due to my experiences.
I know it's asking a lot and I have no idea what advice to get except the obvious kind... Do you have any ideas on how I can feel less hurt, victimized, and super-sensitive? I know this all sounds pathetic...
Me Against the World
Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 15:30:53 (PDT)
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YOUR ADVICE
To Me Against the World:
I once was in a job where, early on, I made the huge mistake of making a lighthearted joke about one of my co-workers who was extremely popular. I didn't mean it to be offensive, but apparently, it was misconstrued and communicated to him by one of his cohorts, and he later confronted me about it. My response was less than stellar, I am ashamed to admit. Rather than be diplomatic about it, I was really defensive and embarrassed, and shortly thereafter, I was shunned and ostracized by my fellow cubicle-dwellers.
I felt terribly lonely in those months, as I saw that tight-knit group of people go out after work, form a softball team together, and generally enjoy the social life that all unmarried 20-somethings should be able to enjoy - only I wasn't a part of their clique due to the aforementioned ugly incident. Fortunately for me, my girlfriend at the time (who is now my wife) was very supportive, and helped me through that time.
Eventually, due to our department's high turnover rate, that old clique began slowly to thin, and newcomers started coming in who were more friendly to me. In time I grew close with this circle of friends, and by the time I left there, I missed dearly the lunches and social gatherings we had.
My advice is simply this: don't retreat into a shell of hostility and bristling anger, with a constant frown on your face. There will always be those who reject you for no good reason, but there are many more who will like you and respect you if you simply smile and are courteous. I have found that most adults are non-clique-ish and willing to meet and greet new people into their lives. But first, you have to be approachable. So SMILE! A sincere smile to even someone who you think wouldn't give you the time of day can work wonders - you'll see.
"B" as in "bictory"
Friday, December 13, 2002 at 02:14:38 (PST)
[63.98.74.2]
This article from the American Psychological Association offers great adivice on the problem:
We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
...
Another person sensitive to criticism
Saturday, August 24, 2002 at 11:55:22 (PDT)
To Me Against the World: I feel the same way sometimes. Try to be strong and try to get a good group of friends you trust and can speak openly with (Asian or non-asian). There are many coping mechanisms out there and you will make it. My name is Debashish and you can send an e-mail to me at debashishchakravarty@hotmail.com if you'd like because I can completely relate to you.
Dabcom
debashishchakravarty@hotmail.com
Saturday, August 17, 2002 at 20:09:43 (PDT)
I am fortunate to work for a company near Seattle that has a very strong, ethical coporate culture, and it has provided me with some models of how a well-run company and its employees should behave. Harassment of any type is not tolerated and associates are reminded of that regularly. We have a confidential hotline to call to report any instances of unethical behavior.
On the flip side, I have also worked for other companies that were terribly run, where people were allowed to behave in the manner described by some of the posters. One company was an internationally prominant organization whose management was based in the South. I was constantly amazed by the ignorant and offensive assumptions management laid on the employees on a regular basis. It was anti-women and anti-minority, and I was soooo glad to leave it and find another job.
Here are some practices that has helped me in the workplace. I hope you find some of them helpful:
1. Be assertive. Many Asians are so busy being polite and non-offensive that it comes across as a lack of self-esteem or a lack of decisiveness. Let those you report to know what your goals are and how you plan to achieve them and what type of assistance you expect from them. When people realize that you are a person going in a strong direction, they will either join you, help you, or stay the hell out of your way.
2. Be visible. Say hello to others who may not normally approach you. Ask people who don't get a lot of attention from others about themselves, their jobs, hobbies, etc. You make a lot of helpful contacts that way. (By the way, some of the co-workers who don't say hello to you may not be racist but instead shy or intimidated by you.) Don't sit in the back of the room or hide in a corner during a meeting -- Sit up front where you can be seen AND heard. Make your decisions known and be sure to take credit for any achievements you rightfully own. (And acknowledge other people's achievements, too, so you can model professionalism to others as well. Some bad behavior in the workplace are started by poor role-models.)
3. Know your rights and ENFORCE THEM. If you receive a racial slur, document it and send it to your Human Resources department. At worst, nothing will be done about it but you will have established yourself as someone who doesn't suffer quietly (and as someone who may consult an attorney). At best, action will be taken upon your complaint. One of my pet peeves are co-workers who tolerate any type of abuse and are hesitant to report it because they don't want to "cause trouble." This is your job -- If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will.
4. Realize that you are at work to work and to get ahead, not to win a popularity contest or to gain society's approval. If you make a good, well-researched, financially sound decision, stick with it and don't let anyone's disapproval cause you to second-guess your work. Stay focused on your goals, and remember that no one ever became CEO because he/she was on the high school Homecoming court.
(Despite how harsh this sounds, I do have some good friends from work. You can be a nice person and a goal-achieving individual at the same time, you know.)
5. Know your job. There are crappy Asian employees, just as there are crappy white employees. (I've worked with both.) Are you being overlooked for promotion due to racism or due to lack of qualifications? If it's racism, see advice #3. If it's lack of qualifications, take steps to gain the qualifications and see advice #1.
6. Finally, know when it's time to leave. (Yes, that's easier said than done in this economy, right?) If the company you work for does such a poor job managing its employees, it will or probably already is suffering from low morale and high turnover. A badly run company is an expensively run company, because it needs to spend a lot of its money and people resources putting out personnel fires and recruiting/hiring new employees to replace the qualified ones who left in disgust. A badly run company is one that is in danger of becoming obsolete. How badly do you want to be part of that sinking ship?
I apologize if this advice sounds as if it's coming from a bad management manual, but I've had to learn a lot of this through the Asian School of Real Life and I hope it will help someone else as well.
Northwest Girl
Wednesday, August 14, 2002 at 19:51:51 (PDT)
I have a life approach where I use mentors. To be complete I think we all need to mentor someone, take a fledgeling under our wing and help them become successful. Then we need someone who is an equal-a colleague in the work place, from college who you can share your gripes and complains, and lastly we need mentorship to hone our own skills. I have used this approach and it has worked wonders. Gives me insight into now, past, and future. Normally the mentor is someone older and they can draw from past experiences. The colleague can aid in the day to day tasks. The metored keeps you abreast of the newest ideas and latest scoop on everything. I agree with you completely! Hopefully this will catch on so that other AA can become more successful!
Yoon Dong Jin
hansenarmy@yahoo.com
Wednesday, August 14, 2002 at 18:59:39 (PDT)
Hey guys
I'm back with more peices of advice:
This time i am not that angry. But the advice that i have to offer will do you a world of good. trust me !!!
Consider a king or an emperor.
A king has naturally high self-esteem. C'mon ... he's the king. He's above everyone else. He can say what he wants, do what he wants .. he doesn't have to seek permission or behave. All this is for other people.
He doesn't need to prove anything to anybody. He doesn't have to prove that he is physically powerful or a mental genius.
He gets extremely offended when he is slighted by anyone. He does not tolerate disrespect.
Besides all this , a powerful king is alone. He may not have any real friends. Even though he has nobles and aids to assist in decision making , he has to make all the decisions himself. Because everyone wants what the king's got. Because if he can't make decisions someone else (maybe one of his nobles ) may usurp the throne.
Thats what you have to do. Just PRETEND you are a KING.
keviv
Wednesday, August 14, 2002 at 15:44:28 (PDT)
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