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AA ADVICE NETWORK
Isolated and Hypersensitive at Work
am a hypersensitive person. I get hurt easily by other people. I don't take criticism or hostility well. I read too much into other people's words and actions, and then dwell on them too much.
I hate my job and the people there. I feel alienated, so I perform poorly, especially when working with people I don't like. I'm extremely avoidant of a lot of things. I'm leaving soon, anyway.
I'm tired of feeling victimized (even when I'm not actually being a victim of anything). Sometimes, I feel like it's really me against the world...that there's no one on my side.
I've been trying to think of ways to change and to feel stronger. When I feel hurt about something, I just say "F*** them!" in my mind and other stuff... I try to be angry, but sometimes it's really hard. I'd rather be angry at the world then to feel stomped on. I work out a lot, also, and take my anger out on the weights.
I don't feel like talking in detail about why I feel the way I do. I've just had some really bad experiences and these things have a way of snowballing out of one's control. It's been especially hard because I don't have any close friends due to my experiences.
I know it's asking a lot and I have no idea what advice to get except the obvious kind... Do you have any ideas on how I can feel less hurt, victimized, and super-sensitive? I know this all sounds pathetic...
Me Against the World
Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 15:30:53 (PDT)
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YOUR ADVICE
AA Pride,
Is Corporate America that bad when it comes to these situations?
In addition to beating up the guy, you intially should have filed a harassment and psychological abuse report.
Italians in large corporations...hahaha...What's that? Mob business?
I have to say Italians are one of the most hostile White groups towards Asians..This probably has to do with the Chinatown-Little Italy conflicts. At one point in time, Asian triads did fight with the Italian Mobs. Further, the Italians are not a very successful ethnic group like the Jews or Irish.
I agree with you that Asians have to stand up for themselves. But unfortunately, many Asians were taught to be passive. To make matters worse, many Asians work with Non-Asians to screw their own people.
Time will change of all this. Despite the educational and professional successes of Asians, we still have a long way to go in this country!
AAs have a long way to go
Thursday, June 27, 2002 at 11:29:40 (PDT)
disgusted,
Firtst, I must say I feel your pain as I have gone thru something similar at my previous job. But you did NOTHING about all the crap you had to put up with! I do not symphatize you but I am rather angry at you for not standing up for yourself. Why didn't you do anything? You don't have to get into fist fights or come to work with a machine gun. There are ways to fight back. Have you spoken to your HR dept or anybody around you about the problem? I don't know how effective it may be but it sure is better trying than to just grin and bear it. Ignoring abuses almost never works. You have to stand up for yourself! Nobody's gonna come and help you out. They may symphathize you but this kind of problem, you have to solve it on your own. I know how alone and isolated you feel under that situation where you're the only victim and there's no one around you. It's natural to hope for someone to notice your agony and come to your rescue. But it usually don't work that way. I guess many of us face these kind of situtations at least once in our lives. And it seems like an inevitable test that you have to take and pass. For what reason? I don't know.
disgusted, I don't know you. I don't know if you are a petite woman or a wimpy nerdy pencil neck geek. I'm just sick and tired of stories of helpless Asians get beat up, stepped on and just cry and whine about it without doing anything. You say your co-workers/supervisors may not have done the same to white women or blacks? That's because they stood up and fought back constantly and continue to do so up to this day.
I know how difficult it is to confront your abusers. It takes a lot of courage.
But since you have done nothing, suppose there's new Asian person hired by that company, imagine what he/she will have to go through. Your keeping silence won't do anybody any good! You can write a book on these BIGOTS?, I'm not interested in reading it.
I happened to work in a large corporation and this fellow, an Italian guy who is well known instigator, chose me to make a joke out of. I guess me being a shy/quiet Asian male was more than perfect to pick on. He would always make a fun of me whenever I go near him in half joking, half derogatory manner. Like you I wouldn't say anything but rather tried to smile and act like I can take his jokes. I even try to be more friendly to him, hoping that will change his attitude toward me. But it didn't work. It went on for several months. Each time I had to grin & bear it. Nobody did anything for me eventhough by that time everyone knew what he was doing to me was not a funny joke. I continued to keep silence and you know what? Now the co-workers were joining that dude and making jokes out of me. I was almost becoming a butt of jokes for them. After several months I couldn't take it anymore. It got to a point that even when I'm home this guy was still in my head and my anger wouldn't go away. It was eating me up.
One day at work, I spotted him going to the bathroom and I followed him. I confronted him and grabbed him by his neck and shoved him hard to the wall several times telling him not to f**k with me anymore. He was completely taken by surprise, his voice was shaking trying to ask what my problem is. At that time I didn't need to explain to him, I was so furious nothing really mattered to me. Even if I get fired for this I didn't care! F**k this guy and f**k this company!!! Whenever he tried to talk/fight back I would shove him right back to the wall real hard shouting all kinds of names at him. My anger was so intense he couldn't do anything to me there. He was shocked and scared. Someone eventually came in and broke us apart when I was done cursing the shit out of him. It was a chaos. I humiliated him front of all people. I really made a scene that day. But everyone supported me for I was known as a quite, polite employee. I was not fired but had to go to a counseling for a week. He probably thought I was fired because I was out for a whole week. When I came back to work the next week and the moment he saw me walking in, boy his face expression changed! He was petrified. I can feel his fear and disappointment that I'm still here. Things changed dramatically at work. He would try to avoid me most of the times. He couldn't even look me in the eye. He would never make fun of me or any other employee. The co-workers who sided with him before changed too. I can see them laughing and making noise down the hall but when I walk near them, there would be a total silence. Nobody said anything. They would rather say 'Hey, how are you doing?' in a very polite manner. Everyone respected me and feared me. After that incident, nobody ever messed with me.
I'm not proud of what I did but I think I did the right thing. We AAs must stand up for ourselves. Too many of us are timid and submissive. We have to fight back against bigotry to earn the respect we really need.
AA Pride
Wednesday, June 19, 2002 at 12:20:14 (PDT)
disgusted,
I'm entering the full-time workforce fairly soon and your post put fear into me. As a student, at least i have more freedom and can actively stay away from where the shitheads are, but how awful, to be stuck working with them! I really felt for you when i read your posting.
How did you put up with it for so long? How could you stand knowing that you were doing a job far below your qualifications? What an insult that was to you.
How do you suggest Asians deal with this kind of crap, and is there any way of avoiding the kind of situation you were in?
Maybe i'm just weak, but if that had happened to me, i would have quit after less than, say, five incidents, no matter how good the job description was. Money is nice to have, but my sanity is more important. In the long run, it's better to be a waitress in a hip cafe working with nice people than a solicitor working with freakos and slowly going insane.
Luckily, i think in Australia the vast majority of racists are among uneducated people, who need someone to vent their frustration on. Racism higher up the social scale probably comes from people who have other nasty qualities such as greed, jealousy and selfishness.
All the people i do volunteer work with at the community legal centre are really great, and one couldn't ask for better colleagues. But then again, maybe those are just the sorts of people who work pro bono. This job is good for the soul, because i get to lend an understanding ear to some people who have been treated badly by other people. It makes me realise that i'm really quite blessed. I think people who are e.g. fat, disabled, HIV or Hep C positive, poor, Aboriginal, or homosexual get heaps more discrimination than i do as an Asian, and they're all out there surviving.
I'm still optimistic about working. But I think it's absolutely, fundamentally important to feel happy with one's job. It's crucial for one's mental and physical health. Size of income is of secondary importance.
Thanks for your story and all the best to you.
krasavitsa
Thursday, June 13, 2002 at 08:23:23 (PDT)
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