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AA ADVICE NETWORK
Isolated and Hypersensitive at Work
am a hypersensitive person. I get hurt easily by other people. I don't take criticism or hostility well. I read too much into other people's words and actions, and then dwell on them too much.
I hate my job and the people there. I feel alienated, so I perform poorly, especially when working with people I don't like. I'm extremely avoidant of a lot of things. I'm leaving soon, anyway.
I'm tired of feeling victimized (even when I'm not actually being a victim of anything). Sometimes, I feel like it's really me against the world...that there's no one on my side.
I've been trying to think of ways to change and to feel stronger. When I feel hurt about something, I just say "F*** them!" in my mind and other stuff... I try to be angry, but sometimes it's really hard. I'd rather be angry at the world then to feel stomped on. I work out a lot, also, and take my anger out on the weights.
I don't feel like talking in detail about why I feel the way I do. I've just had some really bad experiences and these things have a way of snowballing out of one's control. It's been especially hard because I don't have any close friends due to my experiences.
I know it's asking a lot and I have no idea what advice to get except the obvious kind... Do you have any ideas on how I can feel less hurt, victimized, and super-sensitive? I know this all sounds pathetic...
Me Against the World
Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 15:30:53 (PDT)
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YOUR ADVICE
I heard a story once: A man was walking outside and he came across this snake. It was cold outside and the snake was freezing to death. As the man stepped aside to avoid the snake it spoke out and asked the man to place the snake inside his coat pocket to keep him warm. The man talked to the snake and said, "No I can't put you inside my pocket, if I try tto pick you up I will get bitten". After a lengthy speach the and pleading from the snake the man picked up the snake and placed it inside his coat pocket. You, see the snake promised him it wouldn't bite. But after a couple minutes the snake was warm and it wriggled out of the pocket and bit the man in the abdomen. The man immediatly fell to the ground writhing in pain. he looked over to the snake and saie"you promised how could you" and the snake replied "you knew I was a snake and can't be trusted". So the lesson unfolds... often we know whom we can trust, yet we continue to punish ourselves and feel the stinging pain of unfair workloads, office stereo typing and we go along with the boss, the managers becasue we are to scared to do anything else. Psychologists may claim that your push-over personality was developed by the way you were reared: nice manners, Confucian ethics, and a strong work ethic. I say I doesn't matter. You can over come it. It is difficult expecially when you look around the room and see a mob of blond and brown haired, blue eyed mob dressed in business attire surrounding you the only straight black haired brown eyed person in the entire group.
Tips:
build your confidence- through several ways, seminars, tapes, self help books, and how about learning and being menored by another AA?
Be Competant- Be the best and ten times better than everyne else. Dot your I's and cross your T's in everything that you do. Nobody can deny that you earned the promotion or you are deserving of a raise.
Network- Use the internet, locate a niche clientele, use your Asian charm... Get advice from other AA business partners and colleagues. You might have to dig up names from the past such as college chums even to get a support network that can assist you.
Don't bottle that stress- the way you feel is due to some type of stress. Learn to creatively release it. Exercise, go out for a jog. Yes exercise brings you into shape and a healthy body will produce a healthy mind.
Realize that you are not a lamb- you have control over your environment. Hey you hate this damn job so bad get out! Find a better job! If you absolutely can't then change the way you think! Focus on the positives and find ways of making a beter work environment. Go to work smiling, bring some flowers to work, PMA! You are programmed to be successful! Why do more Asians complete their degrees in comparrison to other races? Why do the Asian countries adn students score higher on Math and History compared to other races? This is not a Hitleristic approach but stating the obvious that the way you were reared probably designed you to become more successful.
I grew up in an all white neighborhood- only Asian in my graduating class, had poor self esteem because of being mentally beaten down by my adoptive white parents on a daily basis. Scoffed by my counselor and ridiculed by his son who was in my class because I had a 2.0 GPA and had joined the army reserves. His son got into West point and told me basically I could be his yellow nigger and work for him some day. Talk about LOW Self Esteem- getting up at 4:30 in the morning and milk cows and then go to school smelling like cow shit. Wearing old hand me downs- cheap sneakers from K-Mart and hoping nobody, not even the giant kid with a pituitary gland problem who was twice your size but in four grades below you wouldn't twist your tiny frame into a pretzel on the long journey on the yellow school bus. Never had a girl friend all through HS. Didn't have a single person who would call you friend. Didn't know how to act in any situation because your overly religious parents would fill your mind and time with religious dogma and bible studies. Then duing every meal they made you drink a huge glass of milk, maybe the whiteness would rub off... we were all taught that what we ate is what we are... maybe if I gulped enough i could possibly turn into a Caucasian. Had no identity to who I was, was I the only soul alive left that was Asian? People gawked at you when you entered the small local stores... you feel like a freak at the local circus. Total strangers would walk up to you and pry into your personal life,Hey are you getting married to your own kind? hey are you Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese???? They could never guess right... you felt like saying look ass hole I am an American and for your informaion I am K-O-R-E-A-N, block head there are dozens of different Asian countries. My parents would sick the family pet on me and it would rip my pants and grasp unto pieces of my leg. As it violently shook and riped my fleash my so called parents would laugh at me. If I tried to defend myself and kick the dog or push it away they would scream at me for being cruel to animals. "Spot only wants to have fun" I rejoiced when the animal died. Worked my ass off for no pay. I mean toiled the soil and baled hay in the muggy mid 90 degree sweltering heat of August summer lifting thousands of bales in a single day. I would lift the heavy 65-80 pound bales and stack them unto a moving trailer all day long. At the end of the day i was covered with dust adn pieces of itchy dried alphalpha... yet I was not allowed to shower. That's not all... in the spring time I had to lift buckets of water and cow feed through thick muddy cow yards. The winter time I had to shovel yards of deep snow in bone chilling 20 below weather and many times without gloves. That was not all my friend. I had to live through biggotry. Been called by many a Gook, people thought that a nick name of rice bowl was considered endearing. i had my face written on with permanent markers when I was a small child with anti-Asian slurs. I had a plate full of food dumped on me by a student on my first day at school. talk about humiliation... this was only a few things of many i had to endure alone as a lonley, scared, asian child. Yet I overcame these fears. i am confidant. I graduated from University with much higher GPA of 3.7, voted by the school staffas the transfer student of the year. Went to nationals and won two years straight for a physical strength competition course. Sat on student senate, started an Asian club and was it's founder and president, joined the honor society, and host of other things in college. Today i am completing my first graduate level degree and I know I won't stop there. I continued to be successful in my career after graduation and was presented with numerous awards and medals. I have traveled to a dozen countries mostly for pleasure Japan, Korea, Vietnam, Thailand, Australia just to name a few. I found my biological family after a four year long search. I have met presidents and rulers of other nations. I did this when all odds were against me. i did this even when my mother repeatedly told me I would go to jail... the worst thing i ever did legally was get a speeding ticket. So my friend, you can achieve anything! Your past does not dictate the future and you are capable of so much more! Yes this is a true story and I'm sure many other out there have much more deeper and harsher lives then what i had to go through... share them with others so they can getinspired adn be filled with hope. Don't bottle it inside you...
Lastly, learn to love and fogive. Love yourself. continue to love your family no matter how much they have hurt you. Don't let them continue to hurt you but you can still love them. Peace-
Yoon Dong Jin
hansenarmy@yahoo.com
Wednesday, August 14, 2002 at 01:44:31 (PDT)
Keviv,
Good post. But one correction: Asians have to develop their Id. Not their ego. Asians are too civilized and polite. Whites are animals. Like barbarians they do not play fair and overrun you in the workplace, social scene and dating by sheer numbers and aggressiveness. They're even hairier. To confront animals sometimes you have to behave like one.
ANimalogic
Wednesday, July 31, 2002 at 08:54:26 (PDT)
AA Pride and disgusted.. i read both your stories.
AA Pride ... hats off to you. You did the right thing.
I see many of these problems are occurring because of an UNDER-DEVELOPED EGO.
You guys are giving too much importnace to behaving nicely in society.. to mix with everyone else.
But the thing you gotta develop is your EGO. This will protect you.
EGO : start by thinking that *you* are the center of the universe. *your* needs, desires, feelings, thoughts before anything or anyone else. Always do this constantly. Be aware of this constantly.
Dont think about other peopels feelings or sensiblities. Just do what you think is right, say what you feel , act like you feel, do whatever you want.
Mentally just think you are in the jungle and you are dealing with other animals.
Suppose you are in the jungle all by yourself away from civilization. what you will do then. You wouldn't try to act nice .. would you ?
REMEMBER, f*** other people.
PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
Behave just like an animal. When other people will see you, they will sense this and will leave you alone.
The thing is asians have been city-dwellers(civilized) for long periods of time ... longer than blacks or whites. Hence when they see somebody behaving like an animal... they get confused and dont know what to do.
Solution is simple: YOU GOTTA GOBACK TO BEING AN ANIMAL YOU ONCE WERE.
keviv
Wednesday, July 24, 2002 at 10:01:29 (PDT)
I have my own story. I grew up in an all white neighborhood. Went to college and hung out with AAs mostly. Then I went to work.
The dynamic at work is different, at least for me. Somehow, I may fit the stereotype of a quiet Asian male at work. I definitely don't feel comfortable being the assertive one at work. I am a lawyer.
I have been relatively successful in private law practice, and now in corporate law practice. Enough so that I equal in title many successful white colleagues. My experience is that on average their way of doing things is different than the practice of my Asian counterparts and friends.
Alienation at work comes in subtle, and perhaps not malevolent, form. You look around the conference room table and see blue eyes through your lonely brown. You see that, while effective and acknowledged as such, your method is not necessarily office standard and therefore possibly more suspect. No one need utter a slight or epithet before you feel isolation. You don't anticipate any particularized disdain but feel something, and start to see that your lone Asian surname among Anglo ones, black hair among blonde, thin fingers among fat, may not help the situation.
The solution? I work hard and try to earn the professional respect of colleagues and bosses. I am lucky to have a good boss who, as a young educated man, likely at least one time realized that my experience at work was unique and will give me a break for it. Also, I am patient to uncover the silent others in whom I can confide.
It got bad one week and I asked my Asian friend one time if it was worth it. Stock options had tanked anyway. He said: "If you quit, you do what they want." Submission is not my game. I don't argue with violence, retribution, etc. as satisfaction. All probably have their justification in the right circumstance. But perserverance is also an option. Fight back in any way that works, even if it means not fighting at all.
-- Contrarian
Contrarian
Thursday, July 25, 2002 at 00:48:00 (PDT)
AA Pride,
I worked in a company in San Francisco and dealt with the same crap. While a majority of the blame lies in Caucasians, Asians are partially to blame. We have to stand up for oursleves and help each other out. The few Asians that are accepted into upper management contribute to this behavior. Some of the most bigotted people I have encountered have been "accepted" Asian women. They feel that they have to make comments that disparage Asians during meetings and then look to you for agreement. It's disgusting. The Jews are successful in this country because they help each other. Asians will never have real power until we do help eac other and not push each other away.
Food for thought
Tuesday, July 09, 2002 at 07:46:26 (PDT)
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