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GOLDSEA |
ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
IS THE AA GENDER DIVIDE REAL?
(Updated
Wednesday, Jan 22, 2025, 06:38:55 AM)
sian American women are abandoning AA men by the millions. Young AA women seek out any race of men but their own. Women like Amy Tan write books and make movies that dump on AA men and glorify Asian women in relationships with white men.
That's the perception of many AA men.
On what do they blame this state of affairs? Brainwashing by media that play up white men while cutting Asian men off at the knees. Desire for payback by AA women who feel slighted by their families and Asian society. Large numbers of non-Asian men with blind fetishes for Asian women. Some even acknowledge that Asian men are often too fixed in their ideas of how a woman should look and behave, causing many AF to feel devalued.
Other Asian Americans see AF outmarriage rates as merely a natural state of affairs for a 4% minority population that includes many recent immigrants. The outmarriage gender gap will narrow as growing Asian population centers provide ready access to bigger pools of singles. Besides outmarriage is't the same as rejecting one's racial identity, they argue. Many AF who outmarry retain strong identification with their Asian identity.
Is there really an Asian American gender divide? Is so, what's behind it? If not, what's behind the perception?
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
NOTE TO EDITOR: I'm reposting an updated version of this in the Asian Gender Divide Forum as you requested. By the way, there is no need to put my name in quotes, because Matt Richardson is my real name (something tells me my name wouldn't have been put in quotes were it an asian name).
As a white male, I've heard many of my Asian female friends say something
to the effect of this: "I think that it is creepy for WMs to only want to
date AFs . It comes across to me as a form fetishism or racist. These are
the same guys who would go on a Philippine sex tour; patronize a Korean
massage bar; or whatever (similar) if they could get away with it. I mean
it's all based on stereotypes of Asian women and is inherently racist"
Well here's my question: how is this any different from asian women who
only want to date white men (and, more specifically, NOT asian men)?
Especially considering that most of these asian women have closer cultural
ties with asian men, many if not most grew up around other asian families
in their neighborhood, isn't this an especially extreme form of racism
(against men of their own ethnicity)? Many asian women say they hate the
"china-doll" stereotype of asian women being ultra-feminine, and yet many
asian women are applying variations of this stereotype to
asian and white men: some asian women have told me that asian men are "weak", not manly enough, effeminite, which is basically applying the same
"china-doll"-type stereotype to asian men. These same women claim that
white men are "more masculine" and stronger, which is clearly stereotyping
white males. Is this not hypocritical? Along this same line of thought, it has surprised me to find that many asian women believe that American-born asian men who have lived in this country for generations are just as chavenistic as men straight from asia. What I really find interesting is that several asian women I've dated are very quick to stereotype all asian men based on a FEW bad experiences (e.g., a few asian men are chauvenistic or weak, so it just goes to confirm what they thought all along-- that all asian men are that way). On the other hand, a white man who is chauvenistic is just "one jerk" among a sea of otherwise decent men. I have many american born asian friends, and I find their attitude toward women to be as enlightened as any Ivy-League educated white man I know. Of course I know chauvenistic men, but they come in all races and I would say no more among american-born asian men (asian-born asian men are a different story in my experience). And I speak from loads of experience around asian-asian and asian-white couples. Why are asian women so quick to stereotype asian men based on a few bad experiences, but NOT white men?
I have gone out with several Asian women who tell me they have never dated
an Asian man before, which I find VERY surprising. I mean think about how
odd it would be to come across a white woman who has never dated a white
man before- it exists, but it is VERY rare. However, I have found
this trend among many of the asian women I've dated. When asked about it,
many say it is "just personal preference", but when this preference is
shared by a very large percentage of asian women (in some asian subgroups,
marrying a white man is MORE common than marrying an asian one; among all
asian-american women in the U.S., according to the most recent census is
around 40% are outmarrying and almost all to white males). Especially
since it often comes with the mindset of NOT dating asian
males, I think some deeper issues need to be explored. Some asian women
have told me that they are "just more open minded" about dating, that
"love is colorblind", or that they "just happened" to end up with a white guy (me), however when I find that most of them have never
(or very rarely) dated an asian man or that they exclusively date white
men, I find myself seriously questioning such statements. Of course this is understandable with asians who have grown up without being exposed to many other asians, but I find this to be true only in a minority of cases. Most asians I've met have grown up around many other asians in asian neighborhoods, gone to school (esp. college) with other asians, etc.
Some say dating an asian man would be "like dating their brother". How
weird would this sound coming from a white woman-- "I could never date a
white guy because it would be like dating my brother"? It would sound
insane and you never hear it-- why does this mindset exist in asian women?
Where does this type of thinking come from?
Many asian women tell me they like my blue eyes, and also express
dissatisfaction about their own eyes. 3 of the asian women I've dated have
had cosmetic surgery to make their eyes "look less asian". It's the
same thing with asian women who wear colored contacts because they
want a "different look". At first glance this may seem harmless, but
ask yourself JUST HOW OFTEN you see a blue or green-eyed white woman wearing
BROWN colored contacts because she wants a "different look"? Through this
comparison, it is obvious that there is more than just a "different look"
involved here, but rather a need to conform to a white standard of beauty. This makes me wonder something: if these women find asian eyes unattractive on themselves, isn't it logical to assume that they would not be attracted to men with this feature (i.e., they would not be attracted to asian men)? Since this is an ethnic feature common to asians, is this not a form of self-hatred?
Extending this argument further, if asian women don't find asian men as
attractive as white men because of their asian features, then do they also
feel that they are not as attractive as white women? An asian woman
colleague of mine at work shocked me when she recently said of her new
baby: "I'm glad I married 'Bob' so my baby doesn't look so 'Chinkie'". I
was speechless, as I had no idea this mindset existed. Along this line of
thinking, would an Asian woman find her daughter (with a white man) less
attractive if the child inherited more of her asian features? Would an
asian woman think of her child (with a white man) as less attractive than
if the mother had been white?
Some very interesting issues are raised here, and I hope to see some
responses from Asian women on this. My experiences have been
quite consistent on this issue and, after talking with several (white)
male friends of mine, I'm finding that it is, indeed, very common. In
addition, census stats provide hard statistical evidence that this is
a nationwide trend, and not just my personal experience. Because of all
of this, I am now very cautious when I date asian women-- I don't
want to be with someone who has self-hatred issues going on, and I don't
want to be with someone who wants to be with me just because I'm white
(and, more specifically, because I'm NOT asian).
Now obviously there are exceptions here. I'm not saying that true love
cannot exist between people of different races, and I'm not saying that
asian women shouldn't have cosmetic surgery or wear colored contacts. I'm
just examining possible reasons behind a very clear and statistically-backed trend of asian women dating and marrying white men at an abnormally high rate compared to other races (95% of white people marry other whites). The attitudes of many asian women indicate that love is not colorblind for them. In addition, through my personal experiences and the experiences of (white) male friends of mine, I've found that the attitudes I've encountered are not at all uncommon.
Matt Richardson
meme0114@yahoo.com
Monday, March 18, 2002 at 13:02:57 (PST)
[Your "name" was put in quotes simply because we don't presume that posters are using their real names, nor do we make any assumptions about a poster's race. --Ed]
HAHA and Jay:
What a furious loser.
Beijing Angelique
Sunday, March 17, 2002 at 15:53:43 (PST)
HAHA and Jay,
That is so cruel. You should write a self help books for aesthetically challenged. It will make the best seller list I'm sure.
AC Dropout
Friday, March 15, 2002 at 12:40:26 (PST)
Minor details,
We've met?
Well glad to see you again.
AC Dropout
Thursday, March 14, 2002 at 10:39:49 (PST)
May be younger or older than AC Dropout,
Besides the fact that argument can quickly disintergrate to innane banter. I like the Goldsea forum. It helps anneal complex issues Asian may have had in the back of their minds, but never found an appropriate audience to discuss it with.
I'm glad that this age thing spark off an interesting thread. But it is getting way off topic.
AC Dropout
Thursday, March 14, 2002 at 10:39:09 (PST)
Jay, I would have to agree with you about the IR dating for the not so aesthetically pleasing. For those people who are just downright UGLY, please...go date outside of your race and save your kids from future pain. Hapa kids will always look better than both bad looking parents. Unfortunate as it is. This post sounds really harsh, but that's reality. Get used to it.
HAHA
Thursday, March 14, 2002 at 10:37:29 (PST)
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