Relations between Asian and Non-Asian Women | Asian American Issues

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Relations between Asian and Non-Asian Women
(Updated Wednesday, Jan 22, 2025, 06:38:55 AM)

veryone has an opinion on how Asian women are perceived by men. Reflecting those stereotypes across the gender line, we might assume that non-Asian women would see Asian women either as sexual threats (the exotic temptresses/sexual predators stereotype) or objects of pity and condescension (the passive victims of sexist cultures stereotype). Or, inside the halls of academe and of corporate America, perhaps as superhuman competitors for grades and promotions (the grinds-with-no-lives stereotype).

Friend or foe?

     In actual social encounters such preconceptions translate into a plethora of mostly subtle but detectible responses -- hostility, wariness or exaggerated solicitude. In extended dealings these attitudes might subject Asian women to excessive amounts of malicious gossip, campaigns of isolation, or an effort at taking under the wing or even outright domination.
     These types of negative interactions are common enough that, in an effort to neutralize them, Asian American women seem to have evolved distinctive personal styles. Many AAF make a point of being unusually aggressive and outspoken in social interactions. Others flaunt their educational or economic status. Still others take a take-no-prisoners tack and play the ultra-feminine siren capable of punishing rival females by turning their mates into yo-yos. Some manage to adopt all these tactics and become alpha females against whom resistance is futile.

     But of course not all interactions between Asian American women and non-Asian women are of the arms-length variety. At times these women also do relate to one another as best friends, sisters-, daughters- and mothers-in-law, collaborators, teachers, doctors, students, attorneys, fellow soccer moms. Each such relationship introduces aspects of Asian women that defy easy stereotypes but may nevertheless reveal the peculiar role they seem forced to accept in American society.
     Not that all non-Asian women start with a negative impression of Asian women. We kick off the reader comments with a post from a woman with good reason to want to see warm relatioins between AF and non-Asian females.
     We invite women of all perspectives to air their perceptions, concerns and observations on relations between Asian and non-Asian women.

This interactive article is closed to new input.
Discussions posted during the past year remain available for browsing.

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WHAT YOU SAY

[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]

AF(21),
You shouldn't have to explain or defend yourself. I wouldn't even worry about that. I feel the same way as you do. Just because you do not like White people does not make you a bad person. Many White people don't like other races of people and make no explanations for it. I have nonwhite friends. So what. I make no apologies or excuses. Like the other girl said, this isn't the White Women polls. This is for Asian and NonAsian anyway.I think its ignorant when people say you hate someone because you don't want them. Make no explanations for your feelings. It is not necessary. I completely understand where your feelings are coming from.
Strong AF
Sunday, October 06, 2002 at 07:07:14 (PDT) [207.223.68.123]

Hayley,

Just out of curiousity, you said that race does not mean that much to you. What about culture? I think that perhaps culture is very important to you if you identify yourself as European/American and your husband as Chinese/American-Japanese.

In defense of Indo-American, I have this friend who is Jewish. She went to an summit on world religions once. Well she told me she was about to introduce herself to this guy, he saw her wearing The Star of David and walked away (he was a Muslim). Was she offended? Absolutely not. She said in that case there was absolutely no mistake. I guess in America, people like to think that differences aren't a big deal, but for many of us, they are.
Joy
Friday, October 04, 2002 at 21:26:58 (PDT) [218.44.178.57]

Indo-American,

Those American women are ignorant for a reason. They have never been taught the differences. The US school system is not to great in teaching about different cultures or religions, and the media is just a large stereotype machine of wrong information.

Please do the gracious thing and not hate these morons. Try to teach them instead.
Hayley
Friday, October 04, 2002 at 20:34:59 (PDT) [152.163.189.205]

AF (21),

In regards to your earlier comment, I agree. What I have noticed about the media and about society in general is that we are still living in an us vs. them world. Many of the social ills of one group get displaced onto another group. I saw it in the US and I see it in Japan, too.

Actually, I can see that you don't necessarily hate white women. Actually, my friend (the Japanese one) doesn't particularly care for white people (more specifically, Americans) too much. I couldn't understand it at first until she explained to me why. In her experiences, I began to understand. Of course, she doesn't hate white people, she will be pleasant to them, etc., but she will not go out of her way to do it.
Joy
Friday, October 04, 2002 at 20:08:38 (PDT) [218.44.178.57]

Hayley:

It's easy for you to simply *tell* someone else that they "hate" all White women.

AF(21):

Yes, there is a different between hating and not caring.

It's called INDIFFERENCE.....of which I myself like to exhibit with some White women.
the truth
Friday, October 04, 2002 at 14:28:45 (PDT) [208.48.177.3]

I don't think Indo-American meant it so badly. Maybe you're taking it to yourself too critically, Hayley. I think that the Indo-American lady just tried to point out some of the general problems that do exist or might come up with interracial dating, no matter how well the people might initially fit together. That such conflicts may arise is a fact, independent of all the politically correct wishful thinking and ignorant attitudes that we may display to it. If we close our eyes to this, the problem is not going to go away, it's still going to stay there. We have to acknowledge it in order to deal with it and improve it, even if this is uncomfortable to us. True, there IS only "one race", the human race, but accept it, within the human race there are many different cultures and ethnic practices that may sometimes be conflicting with one another. And so, conflicts MAY SOMETIMES arise if different ethnic cultures, especially those that strictly adhere to their traditional practices, are mixed together in personal relationships. For example, let's presume that you are a Christian and you meet a really nice Muslim or Jewish (Judaist) man. You like him, he likes you, you get acquainted together and you decide to form a relationship. After a while you may decide to marry, but then what? If organised religion is important to you (by that I mean the traditional organised religions not your own feelings of spirituality, because I think there may be a difference), then what are you going to do with your children? Will they be Muslim or Christian or Judaist? You may not think it important at first, but after a while problems like this, which may have initially seemed unimportant and mundane, may arise and they can become pretty hard to deal with. I'm sorry, I think that you're probably older than me and probably think that you don't need to be lectured by me on such things, but I'm just explaining in order to clarify my point. It can happen. On the other hand, what if all of a sudden, after you're bound together, the guy starts to change his behaviours on the basis of culture, and you get into a difficult-to-deal-with situation? I've heard several stories like this. There is an interesting book called "For the Love of the Child" written by Betty Mahmoody (she is also the co-writer and the central figure in the story "Not Without My Daughter"). Well, basically, in Chapter 4 there is a story about a girl to whom just that happened, she married a guy from Pakistan who she'd met in university and with whom she initially got along great. After they had the first baby his behaviour really started to change and get worse. She had more kids with him, moved with him to Pakistan where his behaviour got really unbearable, and where she eventually got stuck and couldn't leave, because the traditional concept of family hierarchy and family roles are somewhat different in that country than that of the Western world, especially USA I think. She eventually got out of this messy situation with her three kids, but I tell you, that chapter was one of the most hard-line stories I've read in a long-time (apart from things such as planned murders and so on that sometimes unfortunately happen and about which you read about in the newspapers). After I've semi-read that chapter (about half of it and then I just read the last page), I couldn't even continue with the rest of the book, it was so disgusting. Of course, in this case there may have been other factors such as personality problems and so on. But the point is, people can sometimes use race and ethnic or cultural differences to abuse one another. I don't mean to say that inter-cultural and even inter-religious successful relationships and families cannot exist. But for them to be successful and happy, both individuals must have at least a mutual understanding and toleration of where the other's coming from, what their beliefs about lifestyles, relationships, religion etc. are, and as well they both need to have an open mind. Ideally, this should also come from the friends and family, as these can sometimes also purport a negative influence on the relationship. You understand this doesn't come naturally, people don't automatically acquire or possess these skills just because they form an interracial relationship. Some people might have them innately and some might never acquire them, no matter how long or how many interracial or inter-religious relationships they experience. And that's why it is important to deal with these issues beforehand, to avoid any conflicts that may arise after the relationship becomes settled. And in the end, if the two people cannot agree with each other because of various cultural, religious, ethnic, etc. differences in opinion, it's probably better that they just each go their own way and not try to give each other hardship through staying together. It's the best way and I don't think there is much wrong with it. And from Indo-American's point: that region is one where adherence to and worship of traditional religions is still very valued and at the same time Muslims and Hindu's in that region have had a (military) conflict going on for something like 50 years? So if her traditional culture is where she's coming from, I guess that her take on her personal relationships is kind of understandable. Even though it is acknowledgeable that maybe the women who try to set her up with these South Asian men may have good intentions at heart.

So I guess to sumarize it, I mean that inter-racial or inter-religious relationships can exist and be successful, but the potential conflicts that can arise in such relationships need to be acknowledged and dealt with, even if it seems like there's no need to because "we're all the same human reace". We are, but humans have through their long existence formed culture, and culture is one of the key elements that contributes to our being classified as somewhat different than other living beings (other animals). And so these cultural differences have to be addressed and dealt with in situations where they might bring potential conflict to one another.

Well, I guess that's about it. I hope I didn't insult anybody, cause that was certainly not my intent. So long.

eastern-european girl
Friday, October 04, 2002 at 14:16:56 (PDT) [64.228.96.34]

I have made friends with several Indian people, and have found that they are very polite, generous, and gracious. Whenever they are having a snack, no matter how small, they offer me some. Just something I noticed about them. Also, they smile a lot more than other people I know, and are more talkative. I don't know if it's cultural, or if they are really this happy, but it's hard not to like them! It's easier to look beyond skin color, when you've become friends. I ask them about their culture, and they are always excited to tell me what I want to know. They ask me questions, too. I discreetly told one of my friends on the bus this morning that she had a smudge on her face, and if she wanted to use my mirror, and she said that it was ashes they use in prayer. She didn't think I was being mean, or anything. I just didn't know about that. So you learn a lot about people when you get beyond your "fears" and actually talk to them.
WF up north
Friday, October 04, 2002 at 09:47:29 (PDT) [216.17.76.225]

Indo-American,

Look, I don't HATE White women. A couple of people are trying to use me as some sort of example of a hating AF. Well, your wrong. I have a problem with White American females. I don't hate them. I just don't care for them. A person can dislike something or someone without HATING. So I think you misunderstood. I do think there is a difference with White female who are ethnic like Itallian, and Jews. Itallian and Jews understand similar things as other ethnic. I also think there is difference with White female in Europe. I can't really say I have had bad experience with them. Most of my bad experience has been with White American. Someone ask earlier if I am clumping all White female together. No I am not. There are definite differences. I do want to keep an open mind and see where that leads me. I am trying not to be closed minded about White female and maybe find out more.
AF(21)
Friday, October 04, 2002 at 08:30:51 (PDT) [205.188.208.106]

"You just hate white women, why don't you be brave enough to lay it on the line??"

Hayley,

I have already told you that
"I basically do not trust white American women, due to bad experiences at work." You can probably substitute to mean do not like or taken to the extreme hate. So I think I have been brave enough. This only refers to white American women brought up in this country, not all white women as AF(21) or others claim to hate. American does not equal White and White does not equal American only.
Indo-American
Thursday, October 03, 2002 at 12:46:10 (PDT) [138.220.70.76]

Indo-American,

Wow ! all that from someone who tried to set you up with someone of the wrong religion? You should meet my Aunt Joan, she thinks all religions should stick together too.

First off, as a woman who is married to a man of Chinese/American-Japanese background, I do not think race really means all that much to me. In fact as far as I am concerned there is only one race and that is the human race. I know that race makes for good politics and arguing. But, as a person of European/American ancestry I do not think I am better than anyone else - that is your belief - not mine.
You just hate white women, why don't you be brave enough to lay it on the line??
like some others that have posted here have done.

And if you read my post you would know that I am not into matchmaking !!!!!
Find your own man !!!
Hayley
Thursday, October 03, 2002 at 10:27:13 (PDT) [152.163.189.205]

"Indo-American, did you tell them that you prefer non-South Asian men?"

Hayley,

You and my cousin Malini would get along very well. She is into match making and has "everyone's best interests" in her heart. As far as I am concerned, it is none of anybody's business.

The issue here was not me prefering white men. I think, you are jumping to conclusions and you have only race and skin color in your mind. This is the upbringing of most Americans skin color notwithstanding although the white and Asian females take worshipping white skin color to the extreme. I have made it very clear that the issue was culture and religious differences. Indians, Pakistanis and Sri Lankans look the same. However, there are deep cultural and religious differences.
If I were living in India, I would not be setting up any white woman from America with a white guy from Albania, because "you all indeed look the same." The reason is that you may be a practising Christian and the Albanian is generally a moslem. Looks, race and skin color are not everything to me. However to many white American females that may be the only thing. This is a dangerous obsession. I still believe that this obsession with race partly contributed to September 11. Why? Because a number of these lunatics looked white and white American females would have been more than happy to take them home to introduce them to their moms, as long as their background remains unknown. Sad to say we have not learnt much.
Indo-American
Tuesday, October 01, 2002 at 13:22:10 (PDT) [128.138.108.142]

Joy,

I always love seeing positive things about Asian women and Black women friendships. I think these are the most endearing ones I have experienced. I think because we can relate to each other on many levels. I do think media makes it seem like relationship and friendship between Asian and Black are strained. When in reality its not that way. I think the media is a very unreliable source. Its also very good at stereotyping and classifying ethnic minority women as loose and sexual. Just like Black women, we Asian women are portrayed to be dying for a White man's pen*s. Actually, it's portrayed that we will want everybody's pen*s. We are seen as oversexed, yet with us Asian women it's more on a 'overly submissive' way. With Black women its more on an 'wildly agressive' way. Both are soooo stupid. Not all of us are like this. Many women of color are educated, intelligent women who have an abundance of self respect. We are also feminine and beautiful and we have feelings. We are not Dragon-ladies with no feelings and emotions. There needs to be more of this displayed in media. I feel that is one of the things that we really do have strongly in common. There are also so many others as well.
AF(21)
Tuesday, October 01, 2002 at 07:16:17 (PDT) [205.188.208.106]

Joy and Ms. L:

Thank you both so much for your comments. It has certainly given my perspective a little enhancement and made me think about the things that maybe I can't understand. This discussion has given me some issues to challenge my own beliefs with and for that I am grateful.

Good luck to you both.
wf-tx
Monday, September 30, 2002 at 07:19:50 (PDT) [66.90.196.240]

It makes me sad to hear about the conflicts between Asian women and white women. I especially do not understand how a white woman could want to date/marry an Asian man but does not like Asian women. I think that signifies an inferiority complex, as the white woman may feel the Asian woman will always have the advantage over her in Asian mens eyes. But we must not make each other enemies strictly because of assumptions! If your man is worth it, he will love you for who you are, no matter what the race.

As for me, most all of my romantic involvements have been with Asian guys. But also, many of my closests friends are Asian girls. In fact, I dont mean for it to happen this way, but most of my friends (guys or girls) are Asian. I find that our interest in each others culture gives us immediate common ground and that a lot of times our personalities are compatible, as I admire many things about Asian culture. I think, as a whole, Asians are beautiful people inside and out.

Though this does not mean I have not had bad encounters, but there are negative and hurtful people of all races. What is important is that we dont isolate one or two instances with a particular person or persons from a racial group and use that as a summary of how everyone of that race is. I feel that assumptions are usually mistakes. More of us should take the time to really try to get to know and understand each other before we dismiss each other and say that we cant be friends because of race or culture.
curious WF
Sunday, September 29, 2002 at 19:55:43 (PDT) [147.226.227.25]

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