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GOLDSEA |
ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
Relations between Asian and Non-Asian Women
(Updated
Wednesday, Jan 22, 2025, 06:38:55 AM)
veryone has an opinion on how Asian women are perceived by men. Reflecting those stereotypes across the gender line, we might assume that non-Asian women would see Asian women either as sexual threats (the exotic temptresses/sexual predators stereotype) or objects of pity and condescension (the passive victims of sexist cultures stereotype). Or, inside the halls of academe and of corporate America, perhaps as superhuman competitors for grades and promotions (the grinds-with-no-lives stereotype).
Friend or foe?
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In actual social encounters such preconceptions translate into a plethora of mostly subtle but detectible responses -- hostility, wariness or exaggerated solicitude. In extended dealings these attitudes might subject Asian women to excessive amounts of malicious gossip, campaigns of isolation, or an effort at taking under the wing or even outright domination.
These types of negative interactions are common enough that, in an effort to neutralize them, Asian American women seem to have evolved distinctive personal styles. Many AAF make a point of being unusually aggressive and outspoken in social interactions. Others flaunt their educational or economic status. Still others take a take-no-prisoners tack and play the ultra-feminine siren capable of punishing rival females by turning their mates into yo-yos. Some manage to adopt all these tactics and become alpha females against whom resistance is futile.
But of course not all interactions between Asian American women and non-Asian women are of the arms-length variety. At times these women also do relate to one another as best friends, sisters-, daughters- and mothers-in-law, collaborators, teachers, doctors, students, attorneys, fellow soccer moms. Each such relationship introduces aspects of Asian women that defy easy stereotypes but may nevertheless reveal the peculiar role they seem forced to accept in American society.
Not that all non-Asian women start with a negative impression of Asian women. We kick off the reader comments with a post from a woman with good reason to want to see warm relatioins between AF and non-Asian females.
We invite women of all perspectives to air their perceptions, concerns and observations on relations between Asian and non-Asian women.
This interactive article is closed to new input.
Discussions posted during the past year remain available for browsing.
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
I think that not getting along with a certain group and shutting yourself off are two different things. Usually, a person who chooses not to associate with someone has probably tried to be friends with others who look like them. Shutting yourself off means you never gave others a chance in the first place.
We all have different comfort zones. Not everyone is ready to cross those boundaries that we have set up for ourselves (or boundaries our culture or society sets up).
What makes us united is not necessarily getting along with people we, in our hearts, would really rather not be around. (And that is the beauty of being unified, allowing each other to have the choice of who we want to associate with) What makes us united is respecting our space. I'm not too offended if an Asian or White woman says she doesn't like me because I am Black. Fine, I respect that (at least I respect her more because she has the guts to tell me) and we don't have to be friends. Are we missing out on something? Probably, but there are 6 billion people in this world, we're not missing out on much.
Joy
Sunday, October 13, 2002 at 02:17:26 (PDT)
[61.198.195.95]
I'm not one to say that I only get along with AFs or WFs. I've met these horribly prissy AFs that were really mean to me, yet I'm friends with some great AFs that I feel a closer bond to because of culture, and because we've all come in contact with similar stereotypes and prejudices. On the other hand, I also have WF friends who actually make a conscious effort to understand different cultures and stuff. But I've also met WF that were prejudiced and mean before they even got to know me, and expressed their hostility with racial slurs and attacks. So, it depends, and I think that saying that you don't get along with WFs or AFs is discrimination in itself, and isn't that what we're trying to get rid of?
person
Saturday, October 12, 2002 at 19:19:05 (PDT)
[216.26.61.184]
Ok this is crazy I am writing to tell you two things 1. Asian women who take the alpha role only inhibit themselves from people of any color 2. Get over your damned self! We are women lets us not compete against each other - knock it off!
I a m a white female medical doctor in her 20's and I am married to an adopted Korean man...I know about the Asian female stereo type unfortunetly they have played far too much of a role in my life. I get the dirty looks from all those Asian women who hate me because I married to one of their OWN. Everyone needs to just relax esp Asian women! I am not racist however I can tell you the many times I have been called too white and not appropriate for my husband - by Asian (Korean women). I have never in my life been exposed to two faced people like American Korean women! I am not the problem here - they are! We have no contact with Koreans in our community because of this issue. My husband has broken off contact with his known biological family who when they heard we were engaged called him everyday and sent Korean prostitutes to lure him away - really nice culture! We moved, told our parents never to give our phone numbers and disappeared from them.
Our daughter will not be subjected to this hate and stupidity.
stop the racism!
Friday, October 11, 2002 at 15:13:46 (PDT)
[208.32.40.180]
easten-european girl-
thanks for your stories and insight! things like this happen sometimes because people are mis-informed and take on the bad attitudes of their parents... in any case, they won't go far in life with that attitude!
Af-
How do you know "deep down inside" that there is a rift with WF-AF? Do you know all WF? Do you know all AF? Personally I don't see this "rift" in everybody like you are talking about. I don't know if you live in the states, maybe it's like that there, I don't know since I don't live there. But I have had many AF friends and they were very sweet, they were not pretending to get along with me. (maybe 'cause I am an immigrant as well??) And who do you think created the rift? Perhaps you will say the media or something like that... But you know who has to fix it? All of us! I hate how you bundle up all WF as if they were all the same!! I don't do that for AF, I said that there are negative people in every background...
^_^
Friday, October 11, 2002 at 10:13:11 (PDT)
[216.221.32.116]
"Yes, whatever. Some people just don't get along with Wfs. It does not make them wrong or right. It is about choice. You are correct when you say this can be about all types of women and not only apply to Af. I don't get along with Wf. I am into interracial relationships. No, I do not shut myself off. I just do not get along well with Wf. I can deal with peole day to day in the work force and otherwise. I just know that deep down inside there is a rift with Wf-Af."
Or is it that WFs or specifically the white American females do not want to get along with anyone of a different color? Here in Washington DC, where I have been keeping a survey every day I have been in town 80% of white women would not sit next to a person of color (including women of color) in a subway or a bus, even if the seat next to that person is empty (perhaps they are concerned that the "disgusting" non-white color would rub off on their "beautiful" fair white skin?). On the other hand, a black or Asian woman would sit next to a white woman or man. Seems like it is the white American women in this global capital who seem to have a problem.
Asian Female
Friday, October 11, 2002 at 10:07:29 (PDT)
[138.220.134.31]
"Smiley face" ^_^, don't pay any attention to it. Maybe you are just good looking or she just envied you for whatever reason and so she had to give you a stare. Sometimes people stare at me and I think "Do I have ink on my nose or something?", but I never say anything to them. A good post to read is one that was replied to me by "Justagirl" on Thursday, August 29, 2002 at 17:26:47, she seems like a really nice person. I have friends who are Asian (Oriental) girls but they are mostly immigrants themselves (mostly Korean and some Chinese, one Vietnamese girl), and they seem pretty nice. But I guess they have different line of thinking than some other girls, like those that you're describing. Anyways, do you know what happenned TO ME on the public transit a few times? Once I was taking the subway with my friend and when we walked into the car, there was this girl and a guy (they were white though, at least the girl was; the guy looked a little darker, maybe like southern Italian, but I don't really know cause I didn't wear my glasses then and I am somewhat nearsighted), and when we walked into the car the guy remarked "Eeew - I hope this shit is not getting into the car" and then when we were travelling they were making all kinds of silly gestures and so on. And then I got off at the same station they did, and they were walking right behind me and seriously I was afraid that they will push me towards the moving train! I took a different staircase than they did and then I came onto the bus platform I saw that my bus was there so I ran to catch it and that girl was there and she said "Go, go - get out of here!" and maybe something else, I don't remember. But the worse thing is that they took part of the route that I took to go to school in the morning also; so I've seen them a few more times. That kind of situation will get intimidating, because you never know when you might run into them and when they'll start harassing you. One other time not too long after that I was sitting at the station waiting for my bus and they got off the train that just arrived. I didn't even notice them until they walked past me and the girl said: "I told you, you've been disgraced. Get yourself out of the public!" -?????? It's like, who the hell is she to tell me anything like that, to try frighten me like that. I never even remember seeing the two of them before, I don't even know who this girl and this guy were. They were total strangers to me before they started acting out like this, they didn't even go to the same High School as I did. I've seen them one last time when they were in the same train as me (but in a different car) and we got off in the same station again and I was going up the escalator and this girl was yelling at me things like "bitch" etc., I don't really know. So I was like, forget it I'm not going to take this route anymore. I took a different (and probably better) route to school after that, even though I had to take two buses instead of one bus and a subway. It was probably better anyways for a certain reason. This was long time ago, like two-and-a-half years ago and I haven't seen them since... hopefully "the wind took them to the far side of the Earth!" But anyways, experiences like this can be intimidating and it can make you feel miserable, but don't pay attention to it. (One of my friends later told me that her worst enemy from public school went to the same Hich School that I suspect those two were attending, and that she tried to beat her up on the way home from school, but she got a restriction order against her so now, hopefully, she is more safe from this harassment. I don't know if this was the same girl or not.) And one other time prior something like this happenned to me and my mom but this time it was a black woman yelling swearings at us. I don't know why this happens. I guess overall it's hard to explain why somebody would want to do this to you or try to make you feel uncomfortable by giving you a nastly look, ... maybe only the person who's doing it knows. One time that happenned to me also, I was in a Japanese restaurant with my guy (he's Chinese), and this lady in a line-up was staring at me too, but I guess she was just jealous and didn't really appreciate seeing her countryman with a white girl. Even though I guess it's really none of their business. When I was younger, (and I had less self-confidence), things like this could really bother me, but now you realize that those people are really dumb and that it's not worth it to be depressed about it. I have to finish, so I just wanna wish you good luck in your life. I guess I went somewhat off on a tangent, but I just felt like writing it. Bye!
eastern-european girl
Thursday, October 10, 2002 at 14:42:11 (PDT)
[64.228.112.122]
^_^
Yes, whatever. Some people just don't get along with Wfs. It does not make them wrong or right. It is about choice. You are correct when you say this can be about all types of women and not only apply to Af. I don't get along with Wf. I am into interracial relationships. No, I do not shut myself off. I just do not get along well with Wf. I can deal with peole day to day in the work force and otherwise. I just know that deep down inside there is a rift with Wf-Af.
Af
Thursday, October 10, 2002 at 10:12:39 (PDT)
[152.163.188.71]
To all-
Well, I have not read all the posts on this forum but I think I know why AF and other non-AF females don't get along. It's not because we have nothing in common... it's because people shut themselves off and isolate themselves. One woman said "I don't care much for WF" (along those lines). Well... you can stick with your own kind... marry into your culture... only speak english when you go to school/work... but you know what? In the end, you will have missed out on learning about other cultures and customs and enriching your life. This goes for all females.
Some have friends from all backgrouds and yet, in North America for example, you still have women who hang out in cliques according to race/culture. These are the women who will never get along (meaning close friends) with people from other coutries because it is already set in their minds that everyone else isn't worth their time. I say that if you want to be like that it's your choice... but wouldn't you be more comfortable in your country of origin? Instead of staying where you are and shunning everyone that looks different from you?
I look white to everyone I guess but I am from Europe, not North America. I don't care what a person looks like as long as they respect who I am and don't judge me before thay know me. I have gotten bad looks from people for no reason. Even AF. I don't know what I did wrong... I was standing in the bus minding my own business and I felt a stare. I turned around and an AF was giving me a nasty look... Anyone care to explain this to me? Don't get me wrong, I don't hate AF; some are very lovely fantastic girls!! But the topic here is if AF can be friends with non-AF. Well, when AF pre-judge them it will never happen. And don't get offended girls, I don't mean all of you!
You gotta give people a chance... or our world will never be united.
(BTW, I don't mean to offend anyone. This is not about all AF... there are negative people from every background. And sorry it was so long! WHEW!)
^_^
Wednesday, October 09, 2002 at 22:46:46 (PDT)
[216.221.32.43]
I am an african american mixed woman married to a man from Vietnam for 8 years. We have four children together. I have made friends with alot of vietnamese moms at the temple. They are very friendly and supportive women. We go there every sunday for worship.
mother of four
Wednesday, October 09, 2002 at 11:07:32 (PDT)
[205.188.208.106]
Thanks for your post eastern-european girl, I realized after I sent the post I was suffering from *sick baby crying all night and day tension.* During a lull I read Goldsea, and snapped !! LOL, I promised myself to not post again when I am feeling so tense!! I posted about the subject again later.
To Joy:
Culture is something that should be respected. Everyone has a culture, but that does not mean you should cut yourself off from people just because they have a different culture...I mean there would be no UN (and many other orgs.) if that was the case.
I believe that I mentioned my own race and my husbands to clarify my position with Indo-American.
I also do realize that fundamental religion forbids mixed marriages (except in the case of Islam, where a man can marry a Jewish or Christian woman, but a woman can only marry Muslim). Well, though I am a very spiritual woman, I have never been very fond of religion. But, I respect peoples religion.
As for what happened to your Jewish friend. I think the Muslim guy was rude. I mean she wasn't looking to date him was she???
Hayley
Monday, October 07, 2002 at 09:36:16 (PDT)
[205.188.209.82]
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