|
|
|
|
|
GOLDSEA |
ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
Truth About Asian American Mothers
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:58:49 PM)
noble, selfless woman who swallows hardship and drinks tears to put away every tasty morsel for her beloved offspring. She is the omnipresent nurturing bosom, a bottomless well of encouragement and sympathy, the tirelessly cooking and cleaning hands.
The dark side only comes to light when an offspring betrays the filial impiety to defy her will on any life decision. The saint transforms into an implacable fury tormenting her offspring with bitter nagging, violent tantrums, spectacular public outbursts, followed by a bone-chilling show of indifference.
So say some.
In fairness, mothers of all stripes have been accused of saddling kids with the hopes and regrets spilling over from their own lives. For example, Jewish mothers too have been depicted as loving tyrants bent on controlling their offspring's choice of schools, careers and mates. But no example of maternal domination seems to match the Asian mother for the intensity of her will to own her children's lives. [continued below]
But how much of such traditional notions of Asian motherhood has survived the transpacific crossing? Have Asian American mothers evolved away from the prevailing stereotypes of Asian mothers -- for better and worse?
This interactive article is closed to new input.
Discussions posted during the past year remain available for browsing.
CONTACT US
|
ADVERTISING INFO
© 1996-2013 Asian Media Group Inc
No part of the contents of this site may be reproduced without prior written permission.
|
|
|
|
WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
My Korean mother ruined my life. My brothers, too.
I loath my parents and have no contact with them. Torture, beatings, psychological abuse, you name it, they did it. I have kids now...my dad said when I was young and questioned their brutal methods, "when you have kids you will beat them 10 TIMES HARDER!!!" He is truly insane. I think all Asian parents who are guilty of beating up their kids should all be tried in court and sent to prison.
Paul Choi
Paul Choi
audreyshouse@cs.com
Thursday, December 19, 2002 at 17:11:19 (PST)
[152.163.189.232]
Daisy Girl-
I think I could have written your post!!! My poor mom has sacrificed a lot and has had to put up with a LOT of CRAP from my dad. I love my mom and now that I am an adult I can better understand what kind of position she was stuck in.
As for my father, he is your stereotypical male pig. He is a professional (physician), however while we grew up, he did not treat my mother and us kids with any kindness. He seemed to enjoy shoving in our face that fact that HE was the one who put food on the table, a roof over our heads and clothes on our back.
We never spent any quality time with my dad. He was never physically abusive, but he was extremely emotionally abusive, always telling us we were ungrateful and lower than dirt. To be frank, my brothers and I were scared of my father and I think that made him even more angry with us. I still do not know how to deal with him. He has had some medical problems lately, so his temper has decreased quite a bit, however I can never forget the way he tormented me while I was growing up, definitely not a normal childhood.
From his POV, he thinks that a good dad is someone who provides for his family, which is what he did. However, he completely forgot that kids need some emotional support as well. He is the typical stoic asian man who believes that putting his kids down will make them work harder. He still has not figured out that it doesn't work this way in the US. Most americans are supportive of their children, even if they are not the class president or have the highest GPA and SAT scores in the state. He was never involved with any of our activities and now that we are grown I think he realizes that he barely knows us.
ABC College Guy-
I cannot speak for daisy girl, but no, I do not hold my experience with my father against AA males. In fact, I married an AA male. He is nothing like my father, his life is balanced, he has a good career and we have a wonderful marriage (I did vow however never to marry a doctor, which ticked off my dad). I do agree that AA males get a raw deal, b/c the media always seems to depict them as being pigs. I understand that there is a lot of stress and frustration coming to a new country and providing for a family. However, I think that our fathers forgot what was important...family, not just money and status. (read what I wrote to daisy)
Luckily, most AA males that I know are not like our fathers, I think growing up in america, where ppl do not feel embarrassed to display affection and support for their children has been something good that has rubbed off on AA males brought up here in the states. I think that AA males would make excellent spouses and fathers, b/c of their strong work ethic and also understanding that being involved with your kids and being supportive is not only healthy but aids you kids to become successful. Sadly, I think a lot of our parents' forgot that emotional support is a key ingredient to raising a well adjusted and successful child.
periwinkle
Tuesday, November 19, 2002 at 19:04:45 (PST)
[64.109.22.154]
[A copy of this post has been sent to AA Fathers where it more properly belongs. All responses should be directed there. --Ed]
Daisy Girl,
yeah i understand where you are coming from. my family fit that mould also. thing is, you must understand to some extent and to sympathize with your dad, although i'm not saying to excuse any violence on his part. our immigrant fathers came over here not knowing any English and came up against serious discrimination, add to that they left their country of birth - all the places they loved growing up to make a better life for their families. I don't see my dad as a hero and from the sound of your post you don't either but just remember that they got a lot of hopes and dreams that went unfulfilled and hardships here and now we have our shot at the American Dream in part to their sacrifice. To deal with him just show him respect to his face. And also don't expect much. He may never turn into the cool pop you always wanted but that is something we gotta accept. I learned from my life experiences and know how important communication and honesty is in any relationship - especially needless to say in the family. I hope you don't hate us Asian men now just because your old man was an Asian grouch or worse. The "asian american" novels definitely don't represent the whole of our very diverse group. They only speak for part of it. We are not the stereotypical chauvinists the media likes to portray although assholes and jerks abound in every race. I hope you still will give Asian American guys a chance. ;)
ABC college guy
Monday, October 07, 2002 at 17:50:22 (PDT)
[65.184.91.9]
My mom fit the self sacrificing stereotype. My family history sounds like it's straight from an Asian novel... with mom being tormented by her in-laws for her lack of son until she finally bore one, of course. Violent husband, rebellious kids with generational/communicational/cultural gap, and the struggle to pull the whole family together.
From my experience, my mom is a super-heroine. They are capable of so much, yet... it's very easy for us to overlook their human side. The side that says... hey, just because this cultural bullshit tells women to shut the hell up, doesn't mean I don't need emotional healings too. Fact is, this generation is still to scared to speak their minds to their parents and trust that their mothers love them. They work hard for your happiness, and if you're not happy, chances are, they won't be too. My mom hates seeing me cry as much as I hate seeing her cry... I am the oldest and the first to really speak and feel freely, and finally, they treated me like I'm an individual. Once that cultural army mold has been broken, they finally see their children... and I am proud to say that my mother is supportive of me going to an Art school instead of some business/medicine/law school. Furthermore, dammit... Chinese moms need hugs too. I don't know how to deal with my dad yet... anyone who has a good idea, please do share.
Daisy Girl
daisy_girl@nycmail.com
Wednesday, September 04, 2002 at 23:12:49 (PDT)
[216.194.21.204]
"Fitting in" -that's also how my mother calls it. Her undertone sounds like "Be proud to have no esteem!"
Asian Male with a question
Thursday, August 15, 2002 at 23:36:13 (PDT)
Actually, Asian Male with a question, my mother is kind of like that too. I mean, she doesn't call it being whitewashed, she calls it "Fitting in"...but still. I think it's really quite funny, because my dad is all like "Don't be whitewashed, be proud of your heritage."
hmm
Thursday, August 15, 2002 at 13:57:49 (PDT)
Sorry, if my question sounds offensive to some people:
My mother is totally pro-White-washing. she creeps like a dog in front of all people whom she considers to be powerful, especially whites. She hates Asian males and all people who are neither White nor White-washed. Although I'm an adult, now, she is still remarkably shocked when she watches me reading in a book about Asian people.
My mother wanted me to study medicine, computer technology, mathematics at a university. I found out that I am not skilled in these subjects and, even worse for me, lost my motivation at school by being pushed to remain silent about my Asianness.
Now my question:
Do you think
-that I would exaggerate my problems with my Asianness?
-that my mother and/or I wouldn't be acceptable in any Asian community?
-or that my situation would be absolutely normal or even okay??
Asian Male with a question
Sunday, August 11, 2002 at 18:58:26 (PDT)
typical azn female,
First off, a begger will have very difficult chance of immigrating here.
Second off, most asians in the USA are descents of doctors, engineers, and other well to do professionals. In this generation we are basically imbued with the drive to succeed.
"It's true that my mom pushes me to do my best, but who's mom doesn't? What parents doesn't want best for their child, and for them to succeed in the wide wide world out there?"
Grow up in a ghetto you will see mom's love is not as universal as you claim.
I increased my literacy from grade school to classical chinese. I was 2 classes away to getting a Chinese major in college. I spend over 1 year studying in asia. I became so acclimated to modern Chinese culture, some friends found it hard to believe I grew up in the USA. But to no avail to the better understanding of my parents. The cultural and generation gap is too great to be bridged through vicarious experiences.
AC Dropout
Wednesday, July 03, 2002 at 11:58:51 (PDT)
AC Dropout:
"In their own crazy way they show us their love in care in methods alien to mainstream America. But it is these idiosyncracies that make Asian American mothers a valuable asset to the Asian American Community."
I disagree with a lot of your points there. When I compare my mom's ways to my white friends' mothers' ways... I find no difference whatsoever.
As I said before, it all depends who your parents are. No, not their nationality, it's their personality and background.
It's true that my mom pushes me to do my best, but who's mom doesn't? What parents doesn't want best for their child, and for them to succeed in the wide wide world out there?
Besides which, you have to learn to communicate with your parents. I know a lot of my asian friends that complain about their parents pushing them too hard etc etc, but they've never even tried to communicate with their parents about their thoughts.
I'm not saying that its guaranteed to work. I'm just saying that it might help.
"For without them, the neurosis of obtaining sucess would not be imbue in the next generation."
Have you realized about the Asians, despite having "typical" Asian mothers who push their children-some to the point of suicide, that haven't succeeded? I mean, hell, there are plenty of adults out there in the world that are Caucasian and haven't succeeded, despite their parents rigid study-study-study routine. And some Asians too.
When I went to Korea last summer, I saw plenty of beggars there... as much as I had seen in Chicago. What about them? Did they not have those "typical" mothers that pushed them to study-study-study?
typical azn female
Sunday, June 30, 2002 at 14:58:13 (PDT)
I think Asian mothers are an archetype handed down from generations to generations. They emphasize the important of achievement over failure and most will not accept anything less than that. That's why alot of Asians grow up with an inferiority complex that keeps them from achieving any sort of true happiness. Many Asians live precariously day-by-day in their fancy cars, European fashions, and trophy wives - not knowing the secret to happiness - loving thy inner self.
I truly hope that more Asians wake up and smell the OOLONG tea brewing. We came up with the principles of selflessness and the pursuit of one's destiny through Bhuddism, yoga etc, but it seems that Westerners have actually done more in terms of living by that creed.
Echang
mybabyblue73@yahoo.com
Sunday, June 09, 2002 at 23:09:18 (PDT)
NEWEST COMMENTS |
EARLIER COMMENTS
|