ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH AN ASIAN AMERICAN WIFE
he male ideal of domestic bliss? An American home, a Chinese cook and a Japanese wife, says traditional Asian wisdom.
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 11:51:02 PM)
Today's Asian American man would give the nod to the American home and maybe even to the Chinese cook, but would certainly reject the sexist notions embodied in the supposed merits of a Japanese wife -- unflagging devotion to the husband's comfort and pleasure. What self-respecting man wants to marry a servant instead of an equal partner?
And yet Asian American men do seem to cherish fixed notions of the advantages of marrying an Asian American woman. "They're more willing to give and take and not turn every difference into a confrontation," goes one oft-cited reason. "They sacrifice for the future instead of giving in to every whim," goes another. "They devote more effort to raising kids," is yet another. Other qualities ascribed to Asian wives include patience, diligence, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, faithfulness and frugality.
This glowing image of Asian womanhood may be one reason for the fact that 70% of even American-born Asian men marry Asian women.
But now war stories have begun trickling in from the first big wave of second-generation Asian American marriages. Some evidence deep disillusionment with Asian American wives. "All they care about is money and status," grouse some young husbands. "They put their careers ahead of me and the kids," is another common gripe. Others complain, "They expect me to work all day, then do more than my share of the housework."
Are Asian American wives living up to the high expectations? Or are they shattering those cherished notions about Asian wives?
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WHAT YOU SAY
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I am married to a Chinese wife who is very loving, beautiful, smart and intelligent. This is my best relationship, more than I could ever imagined. She grew up in this country but has the culture heritage from her parents and grandparents. Values and ethics from the Chinese culture.
While her mom and grandmother are somewhat domineering, she is not like them because she is respectful of me. I enjoy and have sex more with my Asian wife than my past relationship. I have been married before to a white female.
The problem with men that had unfortunate experiences need to remember it is important to know the person versus marrying an "ideal Asian wife". Not all races fit into a mold, a typical pattern. There are polished Asians as there are rude ones, loving versus controlling ones. It is more important to know the person as an individual, not judge one on their race and expectations of the behavior of that race.
While I am on the topic, Asians are AMERICANS too so one should not use that term to mean white or black b/c Asians are every bit American as we are. My wife does not like it when one asks her a 'stupid question' like where are you from? She tells them what part of the US she grew up. If they want to know her ethnicity, that is another question such as 'what is your ethnic origin?'. I read a lot of emails in this site - ASIANS are AMERICANS too. Just b/c one's ethnicity shows up more visually than another's, does not mean they are not AMERICAN. Thanks!
Happily married to Asian
Sunday, February 16, 2003 at 11:57:08 (PST)
"And please, spare me the new age "Be Happy With Who You Are" BS. I'm backing my opinions up on rationality instead of "good feelings.""
And what exactly is your rational opinion?
I'm really sorry your unhappy with who you are and no doubt there are aspects of a mixed life that a lot of people who aren't won't be able to understand. However I find this really interesting. What exactly do you hate about being mixed? Give us examples in your life as to how your background has been a drawback for you. Give us some insight into who you are...how old are you, where do you live. Instead of just stating that you hate being mixed explain why it is you hate it. Why don't you accept inter-racial relationships?
Sunday, February 16, 2003 at 07:17:07 (PST)
"Get this. I'm NOT going to get married. I'm not a hypocrite. There is not enough freakin money (or love, ha) in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE that would make me pass my mixed genetics on. I would NEVER do that to a child. "
A typical rant of one who is too young to know what life is all about.
Saturday, February 15, 2003 at 14:04:59 (PST)
Hey Metus since you are not planning to pass your genetics around (not to mention bumming everybody out on this board) how about you do everyone a favor by go getting yourself a gun and then kill yourself now since you are so goddamn miserable and you are taking up space for more important people. I tell ya honey, you are the reason why birth control and abortion is legal. And as for my position on mixing ethnicities, I say go for it! We should all screw each until we are one color and then we can hate each other for our personalities and not by the color of our skin.
Saturday, February 15, 2003 at 11:13:38 (PST)
"Whatever. It disgusts me when people mix. I'm not saying any race is better then another at all, I'm just saying races shouldn't mix. That's what I'm saying.
I'll tell you what boils MY blood. "Adults" who think they can procreate and not think of the consequences. *I* am the consequence, and I do not appreciate being made so."
It deelights me to be one of those responsible. If you cannot live as a HUMAN BEING, then what can I say... Your genetics are irrelevant. If you want to make a big deal out of it, then that's you. Spare us your morose tales. I think there's more going on in your life than your genetic background, and your genetics is NOT the cause of your depression.. you just latch onto that because you THINK it is the problem.
If yo want to go somewhere where everyone is a DOUBLE (yes, Double, not "hybrid") then move to HAWAII. EVERYONE there is a DOUBLE. You will be regarded as a human. PLus, the weather's nice.
Friday, February 14, 2003 at 21:26:38 (PST)
"To all of you American boys out there being courted by Japanese women, DON'T FALL FOR IT! It's all a lie, a false front, designed to trap you into a life of hell. One that I'm currently living. "
Boy.. Dude... wake up. She's not treating you like this because she's Japanese. She's a WOMAN. You're a MAN.. There's something going on in the relationship. FIX IT. Stop blaming her entirely.. I'm positive that you're doing something wrong too. Marriages are TWO WAY streets - rarely does one party do ALL the problems in the relationship. What are YOU doing wrong? What have YOU done for her lately? Bringing home the money is NOT THE ONLY RESPONSIBILITY YOU HAVE to a wife and a family.
To those men who think that being the breadwinner is the be-all and end-all of the man's part in marriage, then do all the women in the world a favor: don't get married.
Friday, February 14, 2003 at 21:21:56 (PST)
"But that doesn't justify what they did. I've been miserable for the past 21 years of my life, and I plan on being so until I die. I'm a hybrid, that's how it is."
sad that you have given up so early. You're not a HYBRID... you're a HUMAN BEING. Get over it. Seriously. Hybrid... blech.. I'm a hybrid too, and I feel all the prouder for it. Genetic "purity" is an ILLUSION.
Friday, February 14, 2003 at 21:17:34 (PST)
You ask, "What self-respecting man wants to marry a servant instead of an equal partner?"
I'll tell you who: Men who patronize those "mail order bride" businesses, that's who. Such men fall into two basic categories:
1-Guys who are not so good-looking, balding, not snazzy dressers, don't drive the latest-model cars, and/or don't make much money, etc., but nonetheless feel entitled to have a young and pretty bride. They're unlikely to get the "arm candy" that they're looking for in the USA, so they figure that they'll be much more attractive to women who aren't as well-off as typical American women. A subcategory of #1 consists of men who are not necessarily looking for "pretty" women--they're just looking for ANY women. These guys are unable to attract women in the USA, and they figure that a desperate foreign woman might find him attractive.
2-Guys who are very domineering by nature and wish to have subservient wives. They are in a constant state of rage at liberals in general and feminism in particular; they feel that the feminist movement has "spoiled" all of the American women. They want an "unspoiled" non-American wife. Toward that end, they will bring a foreign-born bride home and attempt to keep her isolated so that she won't get all Americanized and therefore "ruined". Such men are often brutal spouse abusers. They are also often racist idiots who buy into the notion that Asian and Latin women just LOVE being submissive.
The sad truth is that many men do NOT want a peer and an equal for a mate.
Friday, February 14, 2003 at 19:00:32 (PST)
I personally think there is nothing wrong with seeking out a person of another race, if you are attracted to people of that race.. I did; I am a mix myself, of German, Italian, English, Danish etc.. my wife is from the Philippines. I was not in any way looking for certain personality traits in an Asian woman. Everyone is different; there are loyal and faithful Asian women, as there are lazy and rude ones- this applies, of course, to "white" women, as well. I am lucky to have married a great woman; she is very principled, and has a good heart. And a sense of humor, which is important to me. She's a great mom, as well; our son is a great kid, 10 years old. I am aware he is thought of by many as "mixed-race", but aren't we all, really? We have raised him to be proud of who he is; I know I'm proud of him, and her, as well. The better you know a person, the less their race becomes a factor, in my opinion.
Friday, February 14, 2003 at 17:28:59 (PST)
Product of Inbreeding - I'm not saying you should be INCESTUAL. I'm saying you should stick with in your own race.
a mixed breed - Get this. I'm NOT going to get married. I'm not a hypocrite. There is not enough freakin money (or love, ha) in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE that would make me pass my mixed genetics on. I would NEVER do that to a child. And while I'm not going to give my life story, for your information I've been contemplating suicide. However, it won't solve anything, since I won't be stopping the creation of more hybrids. If I honestly think it'll do some good though, I'll go through with it.
By no means do I want to come across as "bitching." The point was brought up without my interference, and I'm simply defending it, since I AM a hybrid and it affects me personally.
Most of you people just relied on blatant insulting to get your point across. Good for you. Go ahead and do that if it makes you feel better. I am simply stating my opinion.
"To Metus, I hate to tell you this, but you better get used to being a "hybrid". There's nothing you can do to change it, so you better learn to live with it.
Once you accept who your are, instead of blaming your parents and yourself and everyone else for your existence, life will be much easier. "
No. I don't particularly blame myself, and I certainly don't blame others for my existence (although I blame others for the existence of other hybrids). I primarily blame my parents since it's their fault I'm here with these genetics. And the odd thing is, they're not bad parents. But that doesn't justify what they did. I've been miserable for the past 21 years of my life, and I plan on being so until I die. I'm a hybrid, that's how it is.
And please, spare me the new age "Be Happy With Who You Are" BS. I'm backing my opinions up on rationality instead of "good feelings."
Thursday, February 13, 2003 at 15:35:42 (PST)
To the Miserable guys:
You just happened to get a woman who played nice during courtship but showed her true colors after marriage. There are White, Black and Latin women who do the same dang thing, dude. It has nothing to do with her being Asian or Japanese.
I married a woman of Chinese ancestry who had her good and bad days during our courtship, and our marriage. However, when she was "good" or "bad", it just had to do with her mood, not with her race or ethnicity. Why don't you give it some thought before shooting your mouth of about all Asian women?
Thursday, February 13, 2003 at 05:47:33 (PST)
Tell that to Rob's Chinese girlfriend.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003 at 17:22:15 (PST)
you sound so last century
Wednesday, February 12, 2003 at 15:47:14 (PST)
Please do not call people hybrids.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003 at 15:43:12 (PST)
Does the word divorce mean anything to you?
Wednesday, February 12, 2003 at 15:41:11 (PST)
Some people in interracial relationships strike me as odd.
In the beginning of their relationships, they are happy with the other person and claim that they love only the person and that race played no role at all.
Yet, when they are unhappy....one of the first thing that spews out is the other person's race. Almost as though this is a factor why their relationship is not working.
So, what will it be people?
Is race a factor in relationships or do we all just politically correctly say that we're color-blind?
Tuesday, February 11, 2003 at 16:51:44 (PST)
In every race, there are the honorable hard workers and disgusting lazy bums who bring shame to a society. I'm an Asian Female and I known nice Asian ladies and the superficial ones as well. I guess those guys who pre-concepted Asian women as the nice and the innocent should look beyond the skin color and stereotype.
Tuesday, February 11, 2003 at 14:55:29 (PST)
Miserable also, why don't you just get a divorce?
Blaquestar, hey your preferences are your preferences, but why the need to bash your black sisters and white women as "unfeminine"? Do you feel like you have to make an excuse for your asian fetish by trashing your own kind?
y'all are losers
Monday, February 10, 2003 at 12:13:04 (PST)
I wish I would have read this site sooner. I am a white, American male in the middle of a terrible marriage with my japanese wife.
She does not bring any money/income to the table, but complains incessantly about my breadwinning abilities. She talks of her family's wealth in Japan, yet they haven't given us a penny.
She smothers our son with attention, but doesn't have a word of interesting conversation for me.
She puts down the U.S. at the expense of Japan, yet she hasn't lived there (Japan) for 5 years! She is mentally cruel, physically unavailable, emotionally and financially needy, and she doesn't take care of her health.
It's true that her own mother was emotionally and physically abusive to her, but why should I bear the brunt!
To all of you American boys out there being courted by Japanese women, DON'T FALL FOR IT! It's all a lie, a false front, designed to trap you into a life of hell. One that I'm currently living.
Sunday, February 09, 2003 at 12:08:56 (PST)
I am an African American male. I would like to say that the reason I am attracted to Asian and Hispanic women is because of the notion that I have that Asian and Hispanic (not all) women seem to be more health conscience, generally they are more beautiful, maybe it's because of the level of feminity that comes from them as opposed to African American as well as Euro-American women. It seems to me that these ladies have a philosophy of hard work with a keen eye on the future. I know that everyone who grows up in America is suseptable to the curse upon which it was founded (THE CURSE OF GREED), but if you are a man such as I am you welcome seemingly positive stereotypes of other women who happen to be of different ethnicities because the reality of the history of your (black men and women in America)relationships still depends upon slave or plantation values.
Saturday, February 08, 2003 at 18:23:26 (PST)
Just be happy the way you are.
Some people want to be white, Asian, or black for some particular reason, but face it guys, that diversity is what makes this world interesting.
And for those hybrids, no matter what race you choose to be called or race that apparently inherits more traits, it does not matter. I've seen many white/Asian hybrids that look more of the other race like he or she may look more Asian than white or he or she may look more white than Asian. And some inherit both traits equally. I befriend some of them and noticed that they are very happy; they accept who they are.
And for those who did not like who they are were very miserable.
You can not change who you are, but rather just accept it. If your parents never had met, you would not be here to even do anything.
Just look at the hispanics. They are the most hybrid people on earth and they happen to do very well.
By the way, studies have shown that American Natives are genetically Asians.
Think about their features. Many hispanics are Meztisa(o)s with the variation of combination of white,Asian, and black. So many are mixed that they do not think about it anymore.
The funny thing is that some of them make fun of Asians, but yet they do not know that they are Asians or part Asian. It's funny really. That's understandable. They do not know their history. Thousands of years ago during the ice age, the ocean floor was frozen, enabling some Asians to cross the seas in what we now know as the Americas. These people are now known as hispanics/latino no matter how they look like either they look white, Asian, or black.
Saturday, January 25, 2003 at 11:06:28 (PST)
hey, hybrid boy. if you hate when different "races" mix (the "" are there because we are all the same race (human), the difference is in our ethnicities), you better not get married at all, cause you'll end up with a mutt too. in fact, since you hate "hybrids", and because you yourself are a hybrid, why dont you do the world a favor and rid it of one more freak of nature (ie yourself). loser. if you cant accept what you are, quit b*tchin and waddling in your own sh*t.
a mixed breed
Friday, January 24, 2003 at 20:46:13 (PST)
To Metus, I hate to tell you this, but you better get used to being a "hybrid". There's nothing you can do to change it, so you better learn to live with it.
Once you accept who your are, instead of blaming your parents and yourself and everyone else for your existence, life will be much easier. If you keep up that negative attitude of yours, the next 60 years of your life on this planet are going to be pretty miserable.
And to start, why don't you het a grip and call yourself something other than a "hybrid"....
eurasian and proud of it!
Friday, January 24, 2003 at 12:20:30 (PST)
I'm a 40 year-old inbred, and I do not appreciate being born an inbred. Not even because of any ugly looks, but because I have a lot of health problems one does not encounter with a hybrid or when there is genetic mixing. I'm "Pure Tamil" (ha), and unlike a lot of younger people like Metus, I'd like to think I have a wiser perspective. At least I do not have a bad brain.
Inbreeding sucks. And had I the power to prevent my parents from having me, I would have done so. My parents think that it is the best thing...racial purity, but I DO NOT. *I* am the result, so I like to think I have some SAY in the matter.
Whatever. It disgusts me when people intra-marry and destroy future generations. I'm not saying my race is bad at all, I'm just saying that cousins shouldn't be allowed to marry. That's what I'm saying.
I'll tell you what boils MY blood. Young people like Metus who think that first and second cousins can procreate and not think of the consequences, both health and financial. My health is the consequence, and I do not appreciate it all, as it is draining my finances.
I like your comments, "Must get Used to it." I'm with you on this.
Product of Inbreeding
Friday, January 24, 2003 at 10:45:27 (PST)
Hybrid? What are you a cow? You're just pure stupid! You make no sense. You have the biggest inferiority complex. All human races are mixed, go crack open a book.
I am not happily married to my Philipina wife. This has been my biggest upset in my life. Her cooking sucks...
Heard of something called "divorce?"
Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 22:14:45 (PST)
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