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A Whitewashed AF Reconnects with Asian Men

grew up in a very white area of New Yok City. In fact, just about everyone in my surrounding neighborhood was Italian, or even Irish. It was so homogeneous that I could swear that people felt violated and even frightened when that random black person walked down the street.

As one of the only Chinese girls in my elementary school, I was immediately paired up with the one other Chinese boy in my kindergarden class. Being the innocent child I was, he became sort of like my boyfriend...at the age of 5 or 6. He was familiar to me, we were both Chinese, and that made me comfortable.

As I grew up, and began attending junior high, I started to face the realities of racism. I never experienced it until I got off the yellow bus one day to hear a boy yell out a racist comment at me. I ran home crying that day. Thus, the self hate began.

I hated being Chinese...even though I loved the culture, and attending Chinese school. I even spoke perfect Mandarin. But it was the actual being Chinese/Asian part that angered me. I would purposely refuse to talk to other Asians, and completely write off Asian guys completely, up until midway through high school. I would constantly put down Asian guys and then say how much I loved Caucasian guys. I even began believing that I was white. I was the ultimate white-washed Asian teen.

Nearing the end of high school, I began to date an Irish/German guy, who I honestly fell in love with. From then on, I became the poster child for interracial relationships...it was almost an obsession for me. I would read up on anything that had anything to do with interracial relationships. I acted, and felt as though I was better than all the other Asian girls because I was dating a Caucasian guy. He was a trophy.

This state of mind that I had lasted very well right into my first year of college. My best friend, who is also Chinese, and I would always talk about relationships, and issues about life. Whenever we talked about who we wanted to marry, we both agreed that we would marry an Asian man no matter what. For her, it was true, for me, I was only saying that so that she wouldn't think I was white-washed. I honestly did NOT want to marry an Asian guy.

After my freshman year of college, my family went to Taiwan to visit my relatives, as we did every two years since I was 5. Something happened to me there. It all clicked. I realized how much I loved being Chinese. I started to find myself jealous of all the girls in Taiwan that had these gorgeous Asian boyfriends. I had finally realized what I had missed all of these years.

Since then, I have rediscovered myself, and have found myself absolutely in love with Asian guys. It feels right, and it feels like I am finally who I always was. The point of my writing this is that I want everyone to know, especially those amazing AM's out there, that we "white-washed" Asian girls can change, and that I think that AM's are awesome...even...dare I say...better than all other guys combined. I can now finally say truthfully that I KNOW I will marry an amazing Asian guy.

So for all of you AM's out there that think all of us Asian gals out there are only going for white guys...there are still more of us out there that love Asian guys...
ABCgal
Wednesday, October 03, 2001 at 16:56:27 (PDT)


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READER COMMENTS

It good to see you came back from he dark side. Yes, I can relate to your story very well. Also, my perspective changed when I visited Korea after having not been there since I was much younger. Once I got back to the U.S., All I was interested in was Asian - Asian me and Asian girls!
K-Dude    Sunday, November 17, 2002 at 17:46:26 (PST)    [151.198.163.138]
Your story is understood, but this is as racist a story as it can be. There are no other races other than the human race and until ALL people understand this, peace will evade us.
Just Me    skowston@voyager.net Tuesday, September 24, 2002 at 12:33:00 (PDT)    [207.90.95.14]
Damn!!! That's MY life... From an AM in NYC!!!

No more selling-out for me. I see the light! :)

ABCgal, welcome home! :)
NYC Man   
Saturday, August 31, 2002 at 23:15:59 (PDT)

damn i grew up pretty much like ABCgal living in a white neighboorhood with no other asians but i went to a magnet school in a all black neighboorhood, and I remember being made fun of and thinking being chinese was the worst thing in the world and how I would never talk or associate with anyone that was chinese. And during the middle of last year I was in 9th grade I was sitting at a bench in the school courtyard when suddenly this cantonese girl i remembered seeing from middle school but i didnt have any or ever had any classes with her sat on the same bench, i was reading a book and didnt notice her. So then she said Hi, and I looked up and said Hey back to her and kept reading at the book. Suddenly I began to feel nervous, I began to question myself why shed say Hi to me because I havent talked to another asian or chinese girl in years. A million thoughts raced through my mind in that 30 seconds. I was panicking trying to think of why shed sit next to me and i began getting the feeling that she was trying to start a conversation with me but a part of me felt strange talking to a chinese girl and for some reason i couldnt think of what to say and my tongue wouldnt move words couldnt come out of my mouth. Then suddenly I heared her pants slide againt the bench she was trying scoot closer to me on the bench and I began to felt like I couldnt breath and i somehow knew that she was staring at me I felt like my soul my being piecred or something. I knew by her constant throat clearing she was trying to get my attention but my body froze and then she left and just simply walked away. I rememberd when i didnt get much of a good look at her when i looked at her when she first said hi to me but then as she walked away she was simply beautiful I remembered never feeling this towards any girl in my life or seeing anyone as beautiful as her. Although my eyes werent telling me she was that good looking but my heart was. And i remember realizing what a moron i was at that moment the most beautiful girl ive ever seen had just walked out of my life. I remember trying to spot her in my school for the rest of the year which was impossible in a school of 3600 students there were only 20 maybe less asian students. After that brief encounter with her my perspective on my heritage totally changed I use to associate all my problems and issues with being chinese but now i was proud and even wanted people to call my by my birth name even though it sounded weird like yahoo its actually ya ou (ya oh)......but i actually started to see asian women as more beautiful than caucasians and hispanics and every1 else. The only other time I remember seeing her again was near the end of the year right after every1 left the gym from a pep rally i say her again and again my body froze and i couldnt breath but this time she was enclosed by a group of black football players i wanted to approach her but one of them had an arm around her so most likely her boy friend and i remember how much gut hurted at that moment and how much i wanted to kill myself and i nearly almost walked into a wall in the process. And i tried to holler at her but I didnt know her name. And I never saw her again.....well school's about to start and hopefully ill see her next year.
AzN MoFo
PilotShinjiIkaru@aol.com Saturday, August 03, 2002 at 15:47:18 (PDT)
My brother and I also grew up in a country where there were almost no asians (South America). We always dated non-asian girls. When I first came to the US for college I started meeting asian girls, though I never felt interested in dating them, so I'd always end up on a date either with white or hispanic girls. It wasn't until my first trip to Korea 3 years ago, that I started noticing how beautiful asian girls were. Since then I started to get more and more interested in AFs. It's great because I feel more comfortable and I feel kinship with them
ck
Tuesday, July 09, 2002 at 06:54:30 (PDT)
After reading this story, I was very amazed because it seems like as if she had my life. I am a whitewashed asian girl, even though I am only 15 I feel that I went through the same thing.
I grow up in a white area in Southern California. Ever since Kindergarten I was the only asian girl, or even person, in my class. Since growing up with only white guys, it was almost like I was drawn to only white guys, and always making fun of asian guys. Never thinking I would ever want to do anything with an asian guy or be in a relationship with one. Even with friends, all my friends being white and the rest of asians in near by citys were in grups of only asians and would look at me as If i was a trader or an outsider, so I would also look down on them too.
The summer going into 9th grade my family and I went to Taiwan to visit my relatives, we also go every two years, and I was very surprised how hot these asian guys were! When I went online there, I told my friends, which were all white, that there are amazingly hot guys here. They were surprised I said that because the guys I've always liked were the messy surfer guy look, but the guys in Taiwan were cute in an innocent, yet fun way.
When I got back to California, i noticed my taste in guys totally switched from white only to checking out every cute asian guy that walked by. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still like white guys but I respect other asians now. It's hard to think I ever did look down on them, since I am the same race and all.
What I am trying to say is that even though all those whitewashed asians out there who feel they are different and are "cooler" then the asians that are "asian pride" or whatever, that just because you grow up in a different place and enviroment, with diferent friends, you're still asian. You should give those cute asian guys a chance, maybe they'll be the one who you've been looking for.
So Cal ABC girl
Saturday, July 06, 2002 at 14:48:35 (PDT)