Defending Corean Father's Reaction to Daughter's Bastard Child | Asian Air Forum

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Defending Corean Father's Reaction to Daughter's Bastard Child

was out to lunch with a couple of my coworkers the other day. One of them is a hard core fundamentalist Christian who thinks he's a good guy because he believes everyone still alive can still be saved. I'll call him Alex. The other guy is older and married to a Chinese woman. I'll call him Bob.
     So we're all talking about Asian issues when Alex tells me of this 21 year old Korean girl who stayed at his place for 8 months or so because she was pregnant with some white guy's baby and her father kicked her out of the house. He further went on to say what a bad situation she was in because she was faced with "killing" the baby and keeping things normal with her father, as he would not have found out, or keeping the baby, and having to deal with her father's anger.
     Alex sympathizes with the Korean girl, who is now a single mother of a white guy's baby, and says that the father has no heart because he has not yet even seen his 4 month old grandchild, and wants nothing whatsoever to do with his daughter. Then Bob goes on to say that it looks like a situation where the Korean father/grandfather will have great regrets on his deathbed.
     So I am steaming up like crazy while hearing all this, and tell these two guys, one whom has been married to a Chinese woman for a quarter century, that they are arrogant bastards who have no respect for Asian culture and the problems we face. Both of them respond angrily by saying that Asians don't know how to forgive, and that this hard assed Korean dude would rather have the baby die than care for his own daughter.
     So after a bit of cooling down, I begin to tell these two well meaning individuals what my interpretation of the situation is.
     Firstly, from my own experience with Asian parents from most of the Asian races, I can probably guess the profile of this particular Korean family. The father and mother both came to the US with their little children, with no skills and a little bit of money. Probably they both worked and scraped and scrounged for over a decade in order to provide their children with a better life than what they could get in their own country. Likely they don't speak much English because they live in a culture that demeans everything that they are and what's the point, since in their low paid jobs, they don't deal with English speaking professionals on anything more than a rudimentary level anyway. They probably have a little bit of a community because they've found some other Koreans who are in the same boat as they, and despite their low status in just about every criteria, their status as parents can still be looked upon with respect.
     Now it's true that they are control freaks when it comes to their children because that's how it is with every other freaken' culture on the face of this earth. They are the parents! Maybe the father was unfair when he tells his children that there will be no video games in the house, or maybe he's overly strict when it comes to school, but nobody's perfect. But why in the world would any Asian parents think it's ok that their college student daughter conspires with some white guy to humiliate them, and destroy the very last thing they can still cling on to in this world? Why is the father the bad guy when the white guy she screwed isn't even around to take responsibility for his new baby?
     My response to Bob's comment about the deathbed is that this situation cannot be salvaged. The Korean father will die a broken man. Even if he takes in his daughter and accepts his new grandchild, the most he can ever hope for is that she finally finds a loser Korean guy who also accepts her and the baby, but who can never bow down to his new father-in-law and show him the proper respect, as all Asians do, because the old man is, plain as the nose on his face, an absolute failure as a parent.
     Of course, many other things are said, and Alex and Bob are completely shaken up by my anger at the daughter and defense of the father. They were so completely sure that the father, because he is an Asian male(my own thoughts), was the completely clueless evildoer. They were completely sure that all Asian women are doing what comes normal when they get pregnant by white guys in college, something that would be completely wrong and slutty if it was with Asian guys.
     I hope nobody thinks this is an outrageous, made up story or something. I just got myself worked up telling a friend about this, and had to write a letter. The effects of the actions of one girl has gone far beyond herself and her baby. It has so obviously destroyed her life, by the measure of any race. It had destroyed the lifetime work of her parents. But beyond that, if Alex has told everyone in his church what he has told me, then my daily fight to promote the dignity of Asians in this fornicated-up society is very very far from even getting started. I don't care what anybody thinks about me with regards to this, but she should have cut up that bastard in her womb! And that's the opinion of one evil Asian male!
by Bao
bao@math.ucla.edu

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READER COMMENTS

NYC Man,

I totally agree. What the hey...everyone forgot about the white boy...some one should dig him out!! He's a frikken father. It's FULLY HALF his responsibilty...doesn't anyone see that??
what the hey!! Wednesday, October 23, 2002 at 05:28:31 (PDT) [65.184.91.9]

I don't think this is an issue of Asian cultures. Forty years ago a white father might have reacted in the same way. The two co-workers were not attacking Asian culture, they were simply responding to values that were sharply different from theirs. I also think the race issue here is a red herring. If the father had been Korean, I am sure the reaction would have been the same.

Funny thing. There was just a very popular drama on Korean TV about this same issue. Except the father of the bastard was a rich Korean guy. The father threw the daugher and her baby out of the house. But later he took them back and even learned to love his grandson. Later, the woman found an open-minded modern Korean man and fell in love and got married and brought her baby along. Korea is changing very, very rapidly.
Ben Eller benteller@hotmail.com Monday, September 09, 2002 at 20:02:55 (PDT) [211.34.107.143]

NYC Man,

of course the family has to be blamed. Not the white boy, that boy only took his "chance". The Korean girl lacked self-esteem which can only be given by solid relationships within the family! It's partly her guilt that she didn't learnt good values and the guilt of those who are the only ones who could have taught her right values, her family. -Can an avarage white boy be a teacher in morals?!
rare stuff Sunday, September 01, 2002 at 16:51:51 (PDT) [193.159.24.82]

Dude,

EVERYBODY missed the point! Whatever happened to the "bastard's" father? Where was the "White Boy"? Why wasn't HE around to take care of the kid? Honestly, you can't blame the family.
NYC Man
Saturday, August 31, 2002 at 22:24:29 (PDT)

My personal feeling is this, the daughter has some sort of blame in the situation, but if the father is so narrow-minded as to not be able to see past his own delusions as to how he wants HIS future life to be like (being respected whatever) then he is an unfit parent. His failure was not that of preventing his daughter from getting pregnant, his failure is his actions afterward. I do not in any form advocate pre-marital pregnancies of any kind, involving ANY races, but simply stating that she should have an abortion to preserve the respect that her father is to receive in the community is absurd. Even more pretentious is stating that she can only marry a Korean male, to make her father happy. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Yes the daughter made a mistake, but the father compounded the mistake, and what you advocate compounds the mistake.
If you are the guy that supposedly loves going out with asian females, all I can say is this, you better be pretty strict about not having sex before marriage, or you might get a taste of your own medicine.

And it seems like you are saying that the daughter should always think about what "drastic" impact it will have on her parents and her actions, let me ask you this, have you always done everything your parents told you to do? Have you been celibate? You know what, you should get a vasectomy if you aren't pre-marital celibate, that way you can ensure that an abortion is never necessary because of you.
From hawaii
Tuesday, August 20, 2002 at 01:16:06 (PDT)

Bao,

("she should have cut up that bastard in her womb"): though I'm a young "white-washed" AM I would have reacted like the Korean father/grandfather.

Sadly there are few young people in the West who realize that sexuality is a very earnest thing with consequences.

Old people should also recognize that tradition should not be the only reason for remaining sensible. Somehow the young people (especially white-washed females) must be taught that the value of chastity is more than restriction.
E.g. I myself have a white stepfather and a white-washed mother, somehow comparable to the situation of the grandchild in your story. I think I have been too close to become either a criminal or a loser because of the lack of Asianness in my family. I mean, once such a kid (adopted, white-washed, hapa) has felt s/he's not white the identity crisis will be a serious problem.
rare stuff
Monday, August 19, 2002 at 05:38:01 (PDT)