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AF/WM Couple Goes from Friendship to Engagement

am writing to tell some of you in this forum about how I, an AF, came to be involved with my fiancée Matt, a WM. I realize that some of my AA brothers and sister's won't like some elements of this, however, I am asking you to please read all the way to the end of this post before passing judgement.

I had always figured I'd end up with an AM. I'd dated mostly AMs and the occasional Hapa. I am proud of my Viet ancestry. I was raised with the notion that Viet guys were the best, followed by other Asians who weren't Japanese or Chinese. Dating a White guy would anger my dad, but not to the point of being disowned. Dating Japanese, Chinese, Latin or Black guys would put me out on the street.

During my freshman year in college, I pledged an AA sorority and did the usual run of parties with the Lepps, hung out with the AAs in my major and so forth. I'd been hit on by a number of White and Black guys, but I brushed them off when they asked for dates.

During my Junior year of college, I eventually made friends with a few White girls in the dorms and would go out with them sometimes instead of my AA friends. I also made friends with a couple White guys too, but I'd always say "Bye!" when my AA friends would approach and go hang with them. This garnered me a few quizzical looks from my sorority sisters and from my AA clique, but most folks seemed to blow it off.

However, there was this one White guy, Matt, whom I became friends with. I would always run into him at the Student Union or walking around campus. It was easy to talk to Matt because he was a friend of one of the White girls I hung with at the dorm. We'd drink coffee together sometimes and have really interesting conversations. Matt would talk nicely to me and ask all kinds of questions of me about my interests, music I liked, my background, my ancestry, about Vietnam, etc. I figured this was all just "coffee and conversation" like you see college students doing together and that there was no interest on his part whatsoever. There certainly was none on mine.

After I knew him about six weeks, Matt asked me for tips what he would need to do if he wanted to date an Asian American girl. I was like "Huh?" He then explained to me that he'd always wanted to date an Asian American girl, but was never sure on how to approach them if were interested in them romantically. He wanted to know what to talk about, if he had to practice certain types of manners that were different from dealing with other types of people and such. This flabbergasted me because I didn't get any kind of vibe from Matt that he was interested in me or any other Asian girl in that way.

My first reaction was to ask Matt why he wanted to date an Asian girl. He basically said he'd always had the impression that Asian girls were smart, sweet, nice, and good lovers. Some of this sounded like he'd watched too many productions of "South Pacific" or "Shogun" and I was about ready to slap him. However, I then asked him where he got those ideas. He cited some of the "usual suspects"--Keiko O'Brien from the "Star Trek" series, some observations he'd made of a buddy of his who had an AA girlfriend and experiences talking with a few AA girls on a superficial level.

I thought for a minute about telling Matt to not talk to me anymore, because I didn't want to make some Asian American girl a victim of a White guy with an Asian fetish. However, at the same time he seemed sincere about wanting to really know an Asian woman and wasn't just looking for a "piece of yellow ass" to add to his collection. I figured that this guy was probably on the borderline between becoming an Asian fetishist and a genuine guy who just wanted to know Asian people better.

I got businesslike with him: "Matt, do you really want to know about Asian Americans as a people or are you just looking for an "easy Yellow Lay'?" He said "No Denise, I'm not looking for some Asian girl to fulfill some fantasy. I've never really known any Asian Americans beyond a 'small-talk' or classmate level before I knew you. You're the only real friend I have whose Asian!"

I was surprised at him for using the terms "real friend," so I asked "Then why all these questions on how to approach an Asian girl for a date? You talked about some of the other girls whom you dated before, so I presume you have no problems meeting girls in general!" He looked embarrassed and said "There's a couple of Asian girls whom I've found attractive, but I never had the guts to go up to them, flirt and ask for their numbers because I was scared they'd think I was a fetishist or something. Plus, since I didn't know any Asians on a deep level, I felt like I wasn't worthy to talk to them or something. I guess the reason why I talked to you was because we had a friend in common and, unlike those other girls, you were approachable."

I decided that since Matt had asked me honest questions and hadn't put on a pretense or hit on me that I would educate him on Asian Americans. I did this initially to save him from his own ignorance as well as to save some Asian girl from a potential fetishist. "All right, Matt." I said "Since you've been mostly harmless, I can teach you some things. But I want you to understand a couple of things: First, I can't educate you about all Asian Americans because there are so many different ancestries. There are some commonalaties to our cultures, but you can't group us all together just like you can't group all Whites together for the same reason. Second, do not even get any hopes into your head that I am going to date you or become romantically involved with you. It's not going to happen, and if you start hitting on me or acting like you're courting me, then I don't want to talk to you anymore. Got it?"

Matt agreed, and thus I began to give him the low down on Vietnamese culture. I broke him of the habit of using Oriental instead of "East Asian." I also helped him understand why Asian Americans are ticked at they’re portrayals in TV and the movies. He learned why Lunar New Year is such a big deal and why some Asian guys are ticked when White guys date Asian girls. I taught him how to use chopsticks and not to knock four times on the door. I brought him to a couple of mixers with the VSA and some Vietnamese restaurants so he'd know what the food was and how to eat it. On his own, he learned the difference between Cantonese, Hunan, Vietnamese, Korean and Japanese food. By the end of the year, Matt was a lot less ignorant about Asian Americans and Asian culture, and he'd also become a treasured friend to me.

I ended up going to Summer School before my senior year. It was in part because Matt was going. I figured it would be easier to deal with the stress if I had a good friend there to hang with rather than be there feeling all alone while my other friends (AA and otherwise) had gone home. Our University was hosting a Cheerleader camp during the first summer session and they were staying in the same dorm as I was. They were so freaking noisy that I ended up studying in his apartment and sleeping on the couch in order to get peace and quiet.

However, during the second summer session, Vince (not his real name--a guy from the VSA in whom I'd been interested) was taking a class with me. He asked me out on several dates and I went with him, having a great time in the process. I told Matt all about it, and even though I saw his eyes droop, he smiled and said he was happy for me. I started spending more time with Vince and less with Matt. I didn’t get as much studying done and I got a B because of it. Matt didn't complain or give me any grief about it, but just told me that he was there for me if I needed him.

However, I could tell by some subtle tone in his voice that he was probably a little hurt or jealous. I felt a little guilty too, because many times when I was lonely, I'd call him and he'd be there for me. Still, I stuck to my guns and told him that I wasn't going to date him and that if he started acting jealous or like he was a beau, I wouldn't talk to him again. He sighed and said that I didn't have to worry about it--all he wanted was for me to be happy and for us to stay friends.

When Fall Semester arrived, I accepted Vince's Lepp pin and figured things were going to get serious. Matt just kept on smiling and offered his congratulations, even though I didn't get to see him as much. Plus, Vince said a few times that it didn't look right for me to be so close to Matt when we were dating, and out of respect for Vince, I toned my friendship with Matt down. Matt understood and just kept plugging along.

Things changed drastically around mid-term when I found out through an acquaintance in the VSA that Matt had started dating a gal from the VSA named Vanessa (not her real name). Vanessa was notorious among my girlfriends for using guys for a bunch of nice dinners and other freebies and then dumping them. Matt was oblivious to this because she was quite attractive and charming. I think he was a little blinded by this and because he genuinely liked her. I even tried to warn Matt, but he said that he didn't think that the rumors were true and that while he appreciated my concern, he could take care of himself. I still wasn't too happy about it--Matt was my dear friend. I didn't want this opportunistic wench to break his heart.

I griped to Vince about it for about half an hour, and his response was that I should mind my own business. He also got mad that I was so worried about Matt getting hurt. Something about having a boyfriend meant that I shouldn't be so concerned about a guy friend "if he were just a friend." That made me really mad, because I'd backed away from my friendship with Matt out of respect for Vince.

Who was I sleeping with most nights? Whose fraternity pin was I wearing? Who was of the same ancestry as me and would satisfy my father's desires for me? Who was the guy whom I'd had a crush on for almost a semester before he finally asked me out? I asked Vince all those questions, but he claimed that was all window-dressing. Vince thought I was, as he put it, having "Sherwood-Forest Fever", "curious about Matt in a romantic way" and "only dating him out of a sense of obligation to my culture and to avoid being labeled whitewashed." Vince and I had a huge fight after he said that crap. I could not believe that he was trying to accuse me of being a wannabe-whitewashed sell-out who was White-curious and only dating him for appearances. I tore off his Lepp pin and stabbed it into his thigh and left his apartment.

On the way back to my dorm, I was fighting back tears and totally enraged. I was NOT in love with Matt. I was in love with Vince and yet he didn’t believe me. After walking about 10 blocks, I sat down on a park bench in one of the groves on campus and sulked. I was close enough to a well-lit area to see a couple about 20 feet away from me. It was Vanessa and Matt, heading back from a party. They were sitting on a park bench talking. I strained my ears to hear what they were saying. It was a surprise.

"Vanessa, I do really like you, but I don’t know if I can ask you out again." Matt said. "Huh? What?" She replied, kind of shocked. "Why are you telling me this, Matt?" "You're beautiful, you're charming, you're sexy--on paper you're everything any guy would want in a girlfriend. But, I realize after going out with you these past couple of weeks, I've wanted someone else all along and I've just gone out with you to see if you could fill her shoes. That's not fair to you and it's wrong of me to do this to you. I'm sorry."

I was trying not to laugh my ass off at this point. The queen "dump truck" was getting dumped before she could do the dumping. Plus, I was glad to see that I wasn't the only one having relationship troubles. I sat there in the dark as things got more interesting though.

Vanessa snorted "It's Denise, isn't it? You've got a crush on her, but since she won't date you, you decided that the next Cute Asian chick would do! I knew it! You're an Asian fetishist!!!" Matt was shocked. "No, Vanessa. Not at all! I think you're very pretty and sexy, but it's just not fair to you when I like someone else. That's it, I swear!" "Humph!" She replied "Then tell me who it is, and maybe I'll believe you!" Matt hesitated. "I can't. It wouldn’t be right to tell you since I haven't told her yet." Vanessa grimaced. "Fine. Don't bother to walk me home--I know the way."

Matt just sat there and watched her walk back to the dorm. The then sat there for a while, all by himself, and then got up and began walking off campus. I watched him walk away and was feeling happy that Vanessa had gotten her just desserts and Matt wasn't going to be her latest victim. I also was feeling better about myself as well, and then it hit me, I'd just broken up with Vince but was more concerned about Matt and his happiness than I'd been about ending a several-month-committed relationship. I began to wonder if Vince had been right about one thing--that I had feelings for Matt that I wouldn't acknowledge because he was White. I had been so determined to get with a Viet or an Asian Guy I didn't even recognize that I really had grown to love Matt during all that time I was "educating" him.

I called my older Cousin, who's married to a White man and we had a long heart to heart about all the different issues that she went through in herself and with her family when she began dating her husband. There were a lot of parallels and after talking with her for a few hours, I felt better about the whole thing. I realized that I loved Matt, and that it had nothing to do with how I felt about my being Asian or Vietnamese. I loved him and I loved my people. I loved him and I loved my culture. I loved him and I loved my family. Those facts were not mutually exclusive and that I didn’t need to hate one in order to love the other.

Matt called me late on the following Saturday morning and asked me to meet him for breakfast. I told him to pick me up. We went to Denny's and at first we made sort of awkward small talk--something we'd never done before. We both had a lot on our minds and finally I addressed the elephant in the room. "Matt, I saw and overheard you and Vanessa on Thursday night. It was good of you to tell her instead of stringing her along." Matt blushed. "Uh… I didn't know we had an audience. I was afraid that she'd call everyone in the VSA or the ASA and put me on an 'Asian Fetishist Blacklist.'" I laughed. "Matt, you went out with Vanessa Truong! Most of VSA would probably shake your hand for what you did!" He laughed too and we began to talk normally again. I told him about how Vince and I had broken up, but not all the specifics. He felt bad about it, but at the same time he said that no matter what, he supported me. After about three hours, the waitress asked if we were going to pay rent for the booth, so we paid our bill and left.

After we drove back to my dorm, we just sat in his car with the windows down and the radio on, talking about all kinds of stuff--family, classes, music, goals for after we graduated, etc. I'd forgotten how easy it was to be with Matt. After those first few months we knew eachother, it was like he was no longer a White guy and I was no longer an Asian girl. That was something which finally occurred to me as we just sat there shooting the breeze.

At that point, I put my seat up and turned to look at him. Here was this brown-haired, green-eyed, handsome guy who had been right under my nose the whole time and I hadn't even noticed until now. "Matt…" I said. He turned and looked me in the eyes. "Yes, Denise?" At that point, I just leaned forward and we began to kiss. Softly at first, and then more intensely. He broke away after a couple of minutes and said "Hold it… Are you doing this because you need me and want to be with me, or just because you need and want someone and I'm convenient? Never mind, don't answer that…" I put my head on his shoulder and whispered in his ear "I am doing this because I need, want and love you, Matt. Because I love you!"

Suffice it to say, we became a solid couple. Granted, we had to deal with some issues with my Dad and Vince was kind of pissed at me. However, since all this went down, we graduated and moved in together. Matt finished his MBA two years ago and is doing very well in his career. I'm in my third year of Medical school and things are going just fine on my end too. We'll be married right before I start my residency and hopefully we'll be in a house not long after.

I guess the crux of my whole story is that a lot of Asian Americans--especially the guys--seem to have some kind of idea that AA girls who date or fall in love with White guys do so easily and hate themselves, their families and/or their culture. I am living proof that stereotype is totally false and that you should look deep into someone's heart before passing judgement.

Denise Huynh
Wednesday, January 02, 2002 at 14:38:02 (PST)


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GOLDSEA | YOUR TRUE STORIES

[NOTE TO READERS: This page is closed to new input. You can post new true stories and continue discussions at the new improved Instant Polls & Comments area. --Ed.]

READER COMMENTS

So half of the VSA stopped talking to Denise simply because she dated a white guy. Hmm I wonder what the senrio would be like if it was the opposite, say that a Viet guy dating a White chick? I bet every guy in VSA would admire him like a god for that.
Some Person
Thursday, August 15, 2002 at 23:07:09 (PDT)
Tom Dang,

Seems to me you have the "Big Man Additude" problem going on. A bf who wouldn't even let his gf talk with her guy friends is either very controlling or has very low self-esteem.

"In any event, I was better off without her and I later on found an even HOTTER Viet-American chick whose only purpose in life is to love and serve ME."

So I guess this "chick" only suppose to serve you and worship you like God. Wow, you really have great respect for women. I wouldn't be surprise if your "hot" gf dumps you for White guy.
Some Person
Thursday, August 15, 2002 at 23:05:20 (PDT)

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