Adoptee's Struggle Between Finding Herself and Fitting In | Asian Air True Stories

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Adoptee's Struggle Between Finding Herself and Fitting In

'm an Asian European. My mother is Danish and my father is an American. I've grown up in both places but have moved home to Denmark and am staying here because I feel this is my true home.

Both my Danish and my American family are white, all my friends here in Denmark are white and I've almost lost contact to all of my Asian friends in the U.S. because they mistakenly think that I want to be white, my husband is white (I chose him because of who he is and not what he is), and my two sons are often mistaken for being white. So whether I like it or not-and I actually don't- I've developed a white identity.

When I look in the mirror I'm actually surprised to see an Asian woman and I honestly don't know how to feel about the woman I see. I actually expect to see a white woman with rosy skin, blond hair and blue eyes. Not because that's I want to look like that at all but because here in Denmark most women have blond hair and blue eyes.

Even my Asian friends in the U.S. were South Asians so I never really had any...what should we say? Mongolid Asians to compare myself to and therefore I have no idea whether I'm ugly, average, or beautiful. It's a very strange feeling.

I have to admit that my family's feeling about Asians and non whites haven't helped me to become a proud Asian either. They've always made it clear that it was probably a mistake to adopt me. I was never allowed to call my parents mom and dad but was told to call them by first name. The family has said things like "you're not really like them (other Asians), so you don't have to mix with them". They went hysterical whenever I was with non white friends or boyfriends and they nearly threw me out in the cold when I tried to discover the Asian in me.

I was actually disappointed when I fell in love with my husband. I thought, now they're going to have their way. Oh, aren't they just going to be thrilled that I'm marrying a white man and to make it all worse for me (better for them) he has blond hair and blue eyes like most Danes.

It doesn't help the situation that my husband has said that he always imagined that his wife and children would be fair and have blond hair. I get so hurt when people say "you're sons could be mistaken for white, you can't even tell that they're half Asian". Said in a tone of relief or pride.

I know it's a lenghty message but I hope that after having read it the reader understands why I'm not exactly a proud Asian and that it's easier for me to try to blend into the white community and culture that I live in because this is the only place I feel at home. I am Danish; I'm Danish-Asian.
Danish-Asian krogshede@adslhome.dk Friday, October 19, 2001 at 11:05:17 (PDT)

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READER COMMENTS

I am Korean. I am also American. I was adopted and am now the daughter of two white Americans. They have raised me to know my american heritage as well as encouraged me to discover my korean.
I have found that it is very hard to be asian living in America. Sure, there are "asian fetishes" and such but at the same time, there is ignorance. I am currently a freshman and a member of a sorority. Let me tell you, there are very few asian people in Greek Life. My problem is trying to find out what beauty is. The constant question of, "Am I beautiful" plagues my mind. In Cosmo or Elle, very few pictures of asians are included. I am not what the average American male has been raised to believe is beautiful. This response may seem shallow or ill placed, but i believe many adoptees experience the same question. True, we do see two different worlds, although they do not intertwine often.
A Korean-American
Sunday, March 10, 2002 at 20:53:36 (PST)

Being a KAD, sometimes simply not thinking allows to maintain some sense of sanity.
Here are some of them:

Everytime I tell someone my "real" korean name I can't help but wonder at how generic it is. Thoughts of intentional abandonment enter my mind, and doubt as to the accuracy of my "official" birthdate. As genuine as my parents' love for me is, there are times when nothing seems real. When something as indesputable as a birthday has reason to be questioned it is interesting to contemplate the genuity of who I am.

Every story that I read about adoption from the mothers' points of view yields one main idea; that they gave up their child for the sake of the child. I don't doubt the power of a mother's love. I doubt a society that would lead a mother to the conclusion that international adoption is the only way out. Korean obsession with aesthetics and perfection is almost enough to make one sick. That disabled children, or children of single mothers are left to beg with no "status" generates enough self-hate; loathing your genes and yourself for coming from such a society. Even if some Koreans can "lower" themselves to bringing in a child not of their own bloodline, there are horror stories of abused and mistreated children.

It is no wonder than loving mothers make the decision for adoption, well knowing that their children will probably end up in a foreign country; they know exactly what they want to protect their children from.

I refer to the general attitude of Koreans, as I have met many understanding and less predjudiced Koreans.

This isn't even the tip of the iceberg of my experience.
.....

K-Adoptee
tenatious3@hotmail.com Wednesday, January 09, 2002 at 19:47:53 (PST)

Let me start out by saying I am in my mid-40s, white, with a Korean better half (wife) and two beautiful daughters. We also have adopted a little girl from China. I have always been adamant that our biological daughters are very much in touch with their Korean roots. This is as important to their identity and self-confidence as their white roots and American upbringing. It is quite simply criminal for a parent, adoptive or not, to deny their children this. Our new daughter, now 2 and half, will have the same emphasis placed upon her to be fully in touch with her Chinese roots. Like our older daughters have and continue take Korean language, participate in Korean cultural events, and are encouraged to associate and date/marry whomever they want, Jenny (our youngest and adopted) will have the same opportunities. We have TAN satellite which broadcasts Korean and Chinese programming which helps put our kids in touch with their roots. Not perfect, but I would probably say acceptable. I apologize to for you parents and feel sorry for them. The appear insecure. I hope you do not think all adoptive parents feel the same.
boise
cjhns1@hotmail.com Saturday, December 01, 2001 at 11:23:22 (PST)

Hi there,
I posted the following:

"Thought you would all like to read the following article about cross-cultural adoptions:

http://www.smh.com.au/news/0110/24/
national/national22.html
Always Believe in Yourself :-)"

Tuesday, October 23, 2001 at 18:26:04 (PDT)

There is an ERROR in the published link.
If you look at the link on your
website there is a space
between "/24/" and " national/".
There should be NO space. The error
gives you the wrong page/website.
Thank you.
Always Believe in Yourself :-)
Thursday, November 29, 2001 at 17:54:09 (PST)

Danish Asian:

I myself am adopted. I am Korean, but my parents are white Americans. I have an adopted Korean brother also. I struggle with trying to find the Asian me also. Currently, my fiancee is white. I was blessed with parents who were not ashamed of my Asian roots, and raised me to the best of their ability. They never tried to make me feel that being Asian was to be inferior to their American family.

It makes me sad that your adopted parents did not let you form your own opinions about your ethnicity. They should be ashamed for adopting someone outside of their race and not really caring for you or your situation. If they did not want the responsibility of that then why did they adopt you. I would ask them that if I were you.

Have you ever thought of getting away from all of them, including your husband, and trying to discover your own Asian identity? It sounds as though you have had the notion but not the drive to see it through. You are hiding part of yourself that even you haven't really faced. These are going to be hard times for you but the payoff will be a fulfilled and realized you.
An Adopted Asian American
chibi_nikki@hotmail.com Tuesday, November 27, 2001 at 08:44:12 (PST)

I fully support adoption because you're giving a kid a home. However, what i don't understand is when parents of one race adopt children of another race and fail to take full responsibility for their action- to educate their kids about identity and differences- esp., in the U.S. in which race issues are very prominent. I think these kind of parents are selfish- they probably thought adopting an asian, black, etc, kid would be exotic or make them feel noble because they are helping a lesser race. These are the kind of motivations I read in these kinds of adoptive parents. I hold your parents responsible for your confusion with identity and esp. after the statement, "they've made it clear that it was probably a mistake to adopt me." But as an adult, you have to understand that what your parents can't give you, you have to learn to give yourself. Best of luck.
aa female who has a friend w/ similar background
Friday, November 02, 2001 at 12:03:16 (PST)

Danish Asian,

Don't worry about it. At least you were not brainwashed enough not to realize what your parents were doing to you.

Just live your life and by all means make some Asian friends and do some exploring of Asian culture and be sure to instill that in your children. That's the best way to get back at your parents.
golucky
Wednesday, October 31, 2001 at 12:38:21 (PST)

god bless those people who adopt. though your caregivers were incredibly ignorant i am sure that they do care for you. i come from two asian parents that i grew up with and sometimes i find it hard to be asain. i grew up in america and i am asian american, not just asian or just american. i am very proud of both even though people from each side can make it difficult.

i chose to take the beautiful from each and make myself. it's what i know of myself that makes me me. not what other people tell me. girl, you will keep growing and exploring yourself and learning more and more. just keep at it and know that you are accepted and loved dearly by your Creator. He has a purpose for everything and you were by no means "a mistake"!
i feel ya
Wednesday, October 24, 2001 at 16:14:09 (PDT)

Thought you would all like to read the following article about cross-cultural
adoptions:

http://www.smh.com.au/news/0110/24/ national/national22.html
Always Believe in Yourself :-)
Tuesday, October 23, 2001 at 18:26:04 (PDT)

to "confused":

The TITLE does indicate that she's adopted! It's not so confusing.
what?
Sunday, October 21, 2001 at 23:46:52 (PDT)

Is your dad Asian, and you mom a white Dane? Or is your dad Asian American and your mom an Asian-Dane? I'm confused. If you're half white, you can't look THAT Asian....
Confused
Friday, October 19, 2001 at 22:02:21 (PDT)

Danish Asian,

It must be tough being you. My condolences. It's also not really your fault that you can't be proud of your roots; you're part of a society of an even more oppressive majority than America, where real politically correct-ness doesn't even exist. You're what I like to call a "casualty of the majority". Take heart that you've tried to find yourself, but you couldn't and had to move on. I applaud you for at least trying. Good luck with life, and raise your kids to be less racist than your husbands or in-laws.
Sympathetic AM
Friday, October 19, 2001 at 22:01:11 (PDT)

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