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An Alpha Male Discovers His Asian American Identity

ou sure do sound like a product of Liberal-politics, upper-middle class American Suburbia.

I'm sure that your white-bread highschool faculty and your father with a good paying job and your homemaker mother told you to treat everyone on the basis of personal merit. That is some sage advice, for sure. The only problem I have with that train of thought is that it's takes race and race relations SO TRIVIALLY. White people in the burbs have the luxury of choosing WHEN to participate in these games of feigned liberalism. They can choose to date a black or Asian, but hey, if their parents object, they always have the option of not bringing them home. When they go home for break, they do not have to deal with people of varying backgrounds. They have their trust funds and lives set for them. It’s all very simple for them – mingle with the minorities (read: “prepare yourself for the real world”), ‘go slumming’, then come back home to start some job Dad set up for them

I am in my final year at an Ivy League university, one that most people in this country would envy. Many white students here preach precisely what you preach, but wouldn't generally dare allow non-whites to step in their inner-sanctum. Sure, you get the occasional Asian or even black in their Greek organizations, but rarely are they handsome or influential. From the looks of it Iconic (I saw your picture folder), you look like a frat boy or some familiar incarnation of that sort. And let me tell you VERY objectively – you hardly qualify as an Alpha Male. If you’re very good looking, then I’m freakin’ Markus Schekenburg, Tyson Beckford, Won Bin, and Rick Yune rolled into one, I swear. I mean, you’re obviously in great shape, but your face is plain. An Asian John Doe.


An alpha male has all the necessary qualities for male dominance; physical presence, charisma, social skills. I fit that description well; I am 6’2.5”, very fit, positive/cheerful, quite good-looking if I say so myself (my apologizes if I sound conceited), and am generally popular with men and women of all races here at my school. I would have been a prime candidate for a big-time, big-pimpin’ white frat, don’t you think? Afterall, I am a tall, good-looking, outgoing minority guy. However, I chose not to enter the Greek system after my first year Rush experience. Most of the Asian brothers I encountered in the Greek system during rush were plain, one-dimensional. They were quite stereotypical. They were not necessarily dorky, but definitely the clean-cut, boring, nerdy types that did not think outside the box. If anything, I’ll bet they did Bio and math homework for the white brothers in return for introductions to plain looking white girls. I knew that I would never be allowed to rise in the ranks. An Alpha Male who also happens to be a minority male is called a THREAT in this society. Greek President? Forget it. I ran instead for Class President, naively hoping that the liberal atmosphere of Student Government would cloak me from the upper-class snobbery and racism of the Ivies. Needless to say, I was defeated by a wide margin by my opponents - a rich Jewish kid and a blonde haired WASP Golden Boy, who ultimately won. Go figure. I probably spent 3 to 4 times as many hours handing out fliers, campaigning, shaking hands with students. Us Asians have a long way to go, as far as getting to the top of American society. Perhaps we never will, in the state we are in. If we had the wealth of the Jews, the Gung-ho spirit of blacks we might be able to force our way into the spotlight. But so far, not all of us are wealthy, and we definitely do not have the cohesiveness nor the indomitable spirit of black people.

Getting back to my point, I get the feeling that you have adopted (or were indoctrinated into) the white suburbanite way of thinking about race relations. No matter how big a fit you have, no matter how much you scream into the ears of Asians and others that you are ‘Iconic’ the man, not defined by race or ethnicity – you will ALWAYS be defined by your race. Do your white guy and girlfriends accept you for who you are? That’s nice. Your future employer won’t. Neither will most people who you’ll see/meet outside of school in the real world. You’ll ALWAYS have to prove to them your worth before they accept you. That is the price you must pay for being a minority man.

You live in your own little world created with your inconsequential, quasi-educated, SUPREMELY myopic suburban-race politics. To detach yourself completely from Asian Americans is a meaningless act. You surely have nothing to gain, and perhaps a lot to lose. If you align yourself with whites, they may accept you as one of them (Since from the looks of it, you are no Alpha-male threat… btw I will extend a pre-emptive apology, just in case you have a superb personality and other good inner qualities. But seriously, I don’t think you’re physically striking.), but in all likelihood, you won’t become the leader of the pack. If I were to try to get into your social circle w/o brown-nosing, I would probably be snubbed. Your lady friends might take a liking to me, but your guys sure won’t. But so far in my life, this hasn’t been the case with Asian Americans that I’ve known. When it comes of complete and total acceptance as a human individual, you’d be surprised how much you and other AA’s might have in common.

Why do I say all this? It’s because I was a sellout too. I always had my looks, body and charismatic presence, and the popular kids in my HS (who were almost all white) took a liking to me. The hot white girls were all over me, and the guys let me join their social circle. As a nervous Asian boy that wanted to fit in, it was very flattering to know that the popular white kids wanted me to hang out with them. Me, out of all the other Asians and even many other white kids. I totally bought into this over-inflated sense of importance and even started to think that I was superior to others, especially other Asians. I only dated white girls and only hung out with white guys. I thought that other Asian kids would never understand. Ever. Believe it or not, my main excuse was that almost exactly what you preach today in regards to race. “I only make friends and date based on personality and character. All my friends just happened to be white, because they had the best personalities.” That’s what I said, anyway. (By the way, I’d like to thank the Academy. And my agent too.)

All this changed when I was roomed with an Asian guy in my freshman year. He was a truly charismatic Korean boy called Kwon, or Chris. He was a strikingly handsome guy, about 5’10”, well-dressed, fit, and well liked by his peers. Especially the Asian kids. White kids liked him just fine, but he was a total hit with the Asian kids. I was amazed by how effortlessly he could charm the people around him. When he chose to, he could even get the white guys here (who are very arrogant) to warm up to him. Many pretty white girls had a crush on him, but he was always faithful to his Korean girlfriend. While I lived with him, this is what I realized: my relationships with the white kids, though sincere in intention, were always somewhat contrived. We had fun together, but getting past the drinking, skirt chasing and partying, we couldn’t connect. That’s when I decided to make some new friends. I met many more Korean and other Asian kids on campus, and found that despite being the whitest Asian kid for miles around, they were sincerely interested in getting to know me. I went drinking with them, ate the pungent foods that white people would gag at. We talked about our parents and the humours aspects of the East/West culture clash in our respective households. In short, we could relate. I eventually grew apart from my white friends by my sophomore year, and now most of my good friends are Asian (My girlfriend is still white; I cannot leave her just b/c she isn't Asian... We have too much of a good thing going and a great past few years together.).

I still wear Abercromibe and Fitch. I like to listen to 80s and 90s rock. I still have many white friends. I don’t believe in isolationism. If anything, I like to think of myself as the bridge between the Asian and white population here. But I am one of the few, the truly proud. A reborn Asian.

If some big-time banana, former cracker-worshipping (I say that in good humor) Asian kid from the Northeast can relate to other Asians from widely disparate backgrounds, then surely you can. Unless you were raised by white parents or something. =)

I hope you don’t take this as an attack. It’s more of a wake up call.
Barry (AM, 23)
   Tuesday, September 24, 2002 at 01:28:27 (PDT)    [128.253.186.46]


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GOLDSEA | YOUR TRUE STORIES

[NOTE TO READERS: This page is closed to new input. You can post new true stories and continue discussions at the new improved Instant Polls & Comments area. --Ed.]

READER COMMENTS

Barry, I think your post is fantastic! It's nice to see a positive post from a positive Asian Male. From pasts posts i gather that most AM who post if anything negative are deemed LOSER by the AF. Granted many were posting negative viewpoints. But it's nice to have a posting where the average AF can't just point and say "LOSER". :)
Just another Post    Tuesday, October 01, 2002 at 12:12:49 (PDT)    [208.252.30.254]
My last post was one of exasperation. I should have thought about this more before posting like that.

I guess what I said in my response to Iconic does sound kind of hypocritical. It was immature of me to try to put things in perspective for Iconic by touting my good qualities. They say you should fight fire with fire. Not in this case. I stand corrected, and I realize that I've embarrassed myself that way, and I regret it. But realize that all the descriptions of myself were tools that I used to illustrate my personal history and my struggle to make it in a white man's world. That was all. This thread is getting tiresome for me, so this will my last post.

But before I take my leave, I'd like to stress that abandoning one's own people completely is a fruitless pursuit, a complete waste of time. I learned that the hard way. Take care, and be proud Asian men.
Barry    Monday, September 30, 2002 at 20:28:36 (PDT)    [128.253.186.46]
Some quotes from Barry (23):

"In any case, I'm flattered that you even consider me a threat."

I am not sure I got the sense the other posters are threatened by your presence. Although, from reading your original piece regarding Iconic's looks, I got the impression you were threatened by his presence. A case of not enough room for 2 queen bees err... I mean, Alpha Asian Males?

"I merely voiced my opinon to challenge Iconic's immature post, but I didn't pay enough attention to make myself sound humble either."

I couldn't really distinguish between yours and Iconic's posts. Maybe that's why you don't like him. It's kinda like you two showing up at the prom in the same dress.

"I've learned over the years that a man who is truly confident is one who is comfortable with himself. He has no need to showboat."

Maybe this is the reason you offend some people's sensibilities. You seem to say one thing but do something else. Your original article is nothing more than one big "showboat", if you can call it that, since Iconic at least posted his pictures, you merely talk. What do you call showboating without the show? Boating? So does this mean you are not truly confident?
Deng Ai    Sunday, September 29, 2002 at 11:40:53 (PDT)    [24.93.48.193]

Gentlemen,

I guess I've offended your sensibilities in some way. Perhaps you are older than I am; maybe you see me as some punk upstart with no respect for those who have stepped on the path before me. It is surely a violation of the Confucian order of conduct. Is this what has happened?

Or maybe it's just a case of stereotyping. The time-honored caricature of the bespectacled, tweed coat-wearing Ivy League snob. Except this time, it's an Uncle-Tom, slant-eyed Ivy League snob. =P I'm actually not slant eyed though. lol.

In any case, I'm flattered that you even consider me a threat. It does stroke my little ego in a perverted way, just like when white guys protectively put their arms around their girlfriends when I'm around.

I've learned over the years that a man who is truly confident is one who is comfortable with himself. He has no need to showboat. Upon re-reading my post to examine what could have caused your knee-jerk reactions, I've concluded that it was because of the tone of my voice. I merely voiced my opinon to challenge Iconic's immature post, but I didn't pay enough attention to make myself sound humble either. That is my bad. Hmmph... that's the problem with the written word. It's very difficult to convey attitude and inflection effectively. Only a master of word can achieve this, and I am by no means one. It was no intention on my part to sound like a braggart.

Then again, upon yet another inspection, I consider taking back my apology. A man does not bend over backwards to please everyone, as he realizes that there will always be critics. I've decided that my post (as all are) is up for interpretation. Some people loved my post as they embraced my message openly, and some (you)approached it with apprehension and skepticism.

Ultimately, every transmission of an idea is up for personal interpretation. One takes away from it what he wants. So I leave you guys with this thought.

PS: Phil the Thril, I prefer not to converse with people who pepper their posts with "hahah"s. I mean, come on.
Barry    Friday, September 27, 2002 at 11:19:38 (PDT)    [128.253.186.46]
barry, my main man, all i can say is good for you that you've found your "identity" (or as deng-ai suggested in a funny summary), but you realize everything you put on a public forum is subjected to criticism. take everything with a grain of salt as well. as for the snotty ivy stereotype, i still hold my opinion that it's true to the extent that it is true (whatever that means to you). as for being threatened or not or stroking your ego, just remember that nobody knows anybody in real life so it don't matter how good-looking you or iconic is, just live the happiest way you know of how for yourself and that's enough in my opinion because some anonymous post on the internet means zilch. like i said {quote} "naively hoping that the liberal atmosphere of Student Government would cloak me from the upper-class snobbery and racism of the Ivies;" since you do realize the truth about the ivies, after you get out, still applying to professional/grad school in the ivies? hey, put up or shut up; if you can't dig it get out or stop whinning about the ivies. as the child of immigrant parents who desperately wanted me to attend harvard i can say that i'm dman proud of the fact i'm a public school man.
public school idiot    Monday, September 30, 2002 at 17:35:04 (PDT)    [65.184.81.113]
Oh boy.

I don't want to get into an argument like this with anyone. You win. I am a loser showboating banana. Can you leave me alone now?

Oh my god, I can't believe some people.
Barry    Monday, September 30, 2002 at 14:17:18 (PDT)    [128.253.21.35]

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