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AM Finds Confidence and Love through Anime

conquered hate and found love.

My history is very similar to many asian men in America. I grew up in the 80s, in the south, surrounded by whites and blacks, but barely any asians. As a result, most of my childhood was surrounded by racism. I was very much treated like a 2nd class person. I won't go into what happened to me, because you all know it already. Every racist story you hear is one that also happened to me. I was brainwashed by the media to believe that asian men were every stereotype you all know. I believed it to be truth. It was so bad that I developed an extremely twisted and low self-esteem. I didn't believe I was human, I thought asians were things - objects that couldn't possibly be part of normal life. I became so incredibly shy that I would barely leave my house for anything and would avoid speaking to people.

Even when I went to a very multicultural university, my low self-esteem and absolute denial that asians could live up to anything stopped me from doing what I could have. I could have made tons of friends or travelled or pushed myself to make the most of my education and the other opportunities of college. Instead, I wasted my time playing video games, being very un-motivated and depressed about my life. I never had a girlfriend, never had sex, barely even spoke to girls at all. Why should I? I was an asian thing. Asians don't have lives, love, or anything. We don't deserve it. We are inferior beings. I truly believed that in my heart and soul.

After college, I went to work like most people. My mental health was getting better, but I was reaching my mid-20s without ever finding a girlfriend. I'd always been shy and lonely. Because of my previous beliefs, I never made it a point to even speak to women, I was *horribly* afraid of them. In fact, I believed *so much* that since I was asian and therefore non-human and inferior, that it *never even occured to me* to seriously look for a girlfriend until I was 24. I'd seen asian men get girlfriends, yes. I'd even seen asian men get white and black girls, which astonished me. How could they do such an impossible thing? I almost lived in constant *denial*.

I was getting older and all the people around me already had 1, 2, or more previous girlfriends, and many aquiantances dated regularly. Some of them were getting married. Even the ugliest and most disgusting people I met had several previous girlfriends. Even the shyest, most girl-terrified friend of mine had 2 previous girlfriends. Even completely unemployed friends had some. Here I was, a perfectly capable man and productive member of society, completely alone and without any love experiences at all. I suddenly had a rush of panic, frustration, and regret that would last a very long time. I made it a point to try to not be so shy anymore and meet women. When I turned 25, I got this idea in my head that I would date as much as I could. I couldn't lose my "youth" (teen and early 20s) without even having kissed a girl. I couldn't let myself get to 26 without having at least some kind of romantic experience or feeling of true love or *something*.

But how would I meet girls? Since I was so shy and afraid of women, what could I possibly do to meet them? I considered college again, since it's easy to meet people there. But I didn't know if I should go back. I like japanese anime, just like lots of other shy geeks. I'm not a huge fan, but I did enjoy going to a few of those anime conventions. There were always tons of girls at those things, and they'd all have similar interests to me! I decided that I'd try to chat up as many people as I could at them. The first con I tried this at was a miserable failure. Months later, I was at an anime con dance (I love dancing) and a girl danced with me! I was shocked because of all the time I've danced anywhere, I never got a girl to dance with me. I was too shy to do anything about it, but after the dance ended I saw her walking about. I relaxed and got myself to speak to her. I mentioned how I saw her dancing and got into a wonderful conversation. The fact I did this was so exciting that I made it my goal to talk to everyone I could meet, and *this time I meant it*.

So at the next anime con I came up with the brilliant idea that I'd advertise myself. This is the part where some usenet readers may actually recognize me (if you do and are sick of this story, don't bother responding): I would draw anime sketches for girls if they kissed me. I made up a big sign and the entire weekend I gave away free drawings and business cards. No one kissed me, but I did make lots of friends! It was so nice to actually talk to people and have fun at one of these cons instead of just watching anime and wasting money. Finally, on the last day of the con, a girl kissed me on the lips (later, I found out she was an official guest of honor at another con I attended)! Then it happened several more times with other girls. I invited one to dinner with us, too. The next weekend, I set up a movie date with some other girls I met there. Success.

This was such a great idea that I started going to cons every other weekend just to pull this stunt. Left and right, girls of all races were flirting with me, telling me I was cute or handsome (I never believed it was possible, but so many told me that I quickly started believing). Other girls started following me around, and a few really made their intentions *very* clear that they really admired me! I started learning how to actually talk to women. I was becoming confident and even sometimes cocky. I handed out silly notes asking if they thought I was cute and if they wanted to join me for dinner or a dance and I almost always got wonderful responses. This all happened very quickly - in half a year! In half a year, my confidence went from believing I was a complete loser to really believing in myself! These experiences *convinced* me that white/black girls didn't care about my race. They would be attracted to asian men like me as easily as anyone else. Literally hundreds of women talking to me every other weekend was proof enough for me. Not only did I get flirtatious, but I got tons of new friends! I love all the friends I've made at the cons and I love to see them whenever a new one comes. I make even more as time goes on.

At one con, a girl spotted me who, in her words, thought I was "interesting". She never approached me, but eventually she found out who I was. Turns out we had mutual friends. She e-mailed me, which led to calls and eventually meeting. We had a lot in common and I thought she was very pretty. An hour before my 26th birthday, we shared what was my very first romantic kiss. I was elated, and I beat the "26" clock by moments! Much flirting went by and finally we officially got together. Now I have my first girlfriend and she is wonderful. For those of you interested, yes she is white, but these things don't matter to me as much anymore. She's my gal and I'm very happy - I'm finally in love with a beautiful woman.

To this day I still have girls after me, but I obviously don't falter from my relationship one bit. However, it's always great when it happens because it's another person to help me prove *beyond a shadow of a doubt* that asian men are beautiful and desirable, and that plenty of people of all colors would love to have us as partners. I took my old beliefs and shattered them to bits. No longer will I be held back by a stupid idea that being asian doesn't allow me to have love or life. I'm a normal *human*, a normal *American* with a normal life. Look at who I was and who I am now. If a person like me can get this kind of strength, anyone can. geocities.com/cberdoz

Buster
Sunday, July 07, 2002 at 01:49:44 (PDT)


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READER COMMENTS

Buster,

What an awesome story! I am so happy for you. Your story was so sad in the beginning, but you took charge of your life and changed it in only six months, and now look how far you've gotten! I'm so happy you found a great girl, you sound like a nice, sincere person. I hope other Asian men read this and realize that yes you are attractive to all different kinds of women.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

curious girl
Monday, July 08, 2002 at 10:56:12 (PDT)
Buster,

Is your new girlfriend Apollo Smile? :)
JK

Good luck and best wishes.
AC dropout
Sunday, July 07, 2002 at 18:54:56 (PDT)

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