Mother on Hapa Kids' Identity | Asian Air True Stories

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Mother on Hapa Kids' Identity

am the mother of three Happa children. I am of Japanese descent and my ex-husband is a blonde/blue American of Welsh/German descent. I would like to give my input of Happas to this discussion forum. To be quite honest I have to regrettably admit that nearly all Happas (including my own children) are quite arrogant, be it regarding their racial descent or their physical appearance. I say this with experience, I love my children very much but I can't ignore that they see themselves as superior to other Asians. At first I blamed it all on myself, I played the blame game for many years after they had grown up. I always felt at fault. Over and over again I asked myself; what did I do wrong? Did I not instil them with pride of their Asian roots when they were growing up? Did I seem self hating of my own Asian descent and this then transmitted to them? Did I not acquaint with other Asians as often as I should have so they can see that being of half Asian descent isn’t half bad, its half good?
Then one day I woke up and realised it wasn’t my fault, I did the best I could do to bring them up with a sense of pride on who they were and what they are. I did teach them about their Asian heritage the culture. And yet they grew up with the “burden” of being part Asian in a white society.
That’s when it hit me. No matter how much Asian pride I instilled in them, they were still Happas. And as such, the fact that they are half white, living in a country with a society that glorifies whites and a country where “passing as white” has been a historical necessity of life for non-whites to move up the social ladder, my Happa children were bound to be influenced by this culture they live in. They learnt this arrogance on the street, from strangers, from friends, from the TV, from every conceivable place. This is a white mans country, and those of white descent will always see themselves as privileged (not necessarily superior), and those of half white descent will by default cherish and try to only acknowledge that part of them which is the one that is so glorified and privileged (in America, whites) so they too can enjoy full privileges. The fact that Happas to some degree try to denounce their Asian heritage is not necessarily because they feel shame, its because they are made to feel shame by American society at large, and it’s a natural instinct for human beings to hide that which is (perceived as) negative and hence shameful. How many times in history did we see mulattos, quadroons, octoroons passing as white? And these individuals came from a black heritage that was strong willed and self accepting, with positive view about themselves and yet these mulattos, , etc still tried passing as white nonetheless, because society demanded it of them, otherwise they too would be left in the abysm of the neglected of this country. In this country nowadays, it seems to me that some pure Asians themselves don’t have the same strong racial self-worth that blacks had in those days. How can our Happa children learn to love their Asian side if some of us ourselves don’t do it. It is hard enough to bring up mixed children who can will cherish both sides of their background when both communities are strong self worthy, but when one of their sides is not self accepting of itself it is basically impossible.
I am now married to a Japanese man and have a two-year-old daughter with him, she is my first non-Happa daughter, and I love her dearly, just as much as I love my other children. I guess the reason I had her was because I wanted to leave a legacy of Asian self worth in a child that had my blood, because society wouldn’t allow my Happa children to do so. The only thing that troubles me now is the look I get from my Happa children when they see they have a pure Asian sibling, to me, their faces seem almost upsetting at the thought.

Just My life story to share with you all
Vicky Tuesday, January 29, 2002 at 04:11:29 (PST)

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READER COMMENTS

Asian American Male:

You really make a lot of unjust assumptions about Southerners or Southern Christians for that matter.

First of all Bob Jones University is not affiliated with the Southern Baptsit Convention. The SBC denounced his sorry ass a long time ago and his school receives no funds from the SBC. In fact, it never has.

Second of all, the Southern Baptist Convention has devoted much of its resources towards healing of Racism--it's considered an anathema to the Bible and to God and the SBC has condemned as a form of hatred which is sinful. If you visit Churches like Ed Young's Second Baptist in Houston, you see large, multiethnic congregations--not a sea of pink faces. You see transethnic couples and children who've been adopted transethnically.

If you've lived all your life on the West Coast, it is very easy for you to judge the South without having lived there (not the same as just visiting) or having known Southerners. Making such prejudicial statements is no different than a Southerner going on about "Communist Liberal Hippies Smoking Weed in California"--it's a stereotype that is not truly reflective of the environment or the people who actually live in CA.

Proud Chinese American Southern Baptist
Monday, February 11, 2002 at 09:21:50 (PST)

You will find pockets of enlightenment and understanding all over the place. Whether be it miltary bases, like my hometown of Killeen, or university towns, like Austin (Hook 'em Horns), or places like Hawaii where race may be less of an issue and if you are able to thrive there, more power to ya'!

Persception is indeed a two way street. There's your view and then there's everybody else's and it's just a mater of which you want to give more weight.

-Susan
Moodangbulae
moodangbulae@yahoo.com Friday, February 08, 2002 at 18:10:45 (PST)

Paul, you're right. (Parts) of the mainland have some serious issues.

I lived in Texas for a time, in its capitol, and the jokes are true about their pride and guns and all that. But also the insider jokes, often, Austin is referred to as the People's Republic by inhabitants of more conservative parts of Texas. It's political climate is relatively extreme liberal, it's population multiethnic and for the most part, if not all, accepting and easygoing.

Of what I remember, I encountered no racism, the city was young, high tech, immigrants from all over.
etc etc (aaahh, fond memories)

However, living in upstate New York, considerable arrogance on the part of the white community I encountered, as well as racist attidudes about Asians and a whole spectrum of imagined defects.
That is where racism became prominent in my mind, how racism affected the people and creators of this website.

That is how I came to dream of Chinese hegemony on ce again, how I came dangerously close to denouncing America for a while, in my inner heart. But, I remember the good times and places, and am on my way to find such a place again and make it home.

Ideally the rest of the country should be transformed, and toward that end this website has been established (my guess anyway).
(AL)^2
Friday, February 08, 2002 at 03:48:36 (PST)

"If an Asian child is adopted by a White family and raised in Bible-Belt America with no other Asians for hundreds of miles, is that child no longer Asian?"

By Bible Belt if you mean the south, they would be considered Asian, and in a number of churches the child would not be allowed to date or marry whites when it grows up. eg. Greenville, South Carolina. Many churches such as those affiliated with Bob Jones University discourage their parishioners from adopting children of other races.

"That child may identify as White because that is all he knows and even if he takes it upon himself to learn about his heritage and embrace it, he may still feel more comfortable being White..."

May want to be white but is not likely to be accepted as white. There is a difference and in many cases it is a two way street.

"To Paul from Hawaii all I have to say is it must be nice for these topics not to be an issue for it is not a microcosm of the mainland. I grew up military with plenty of other mixed kids running around on the base. We weren't the norm, but we were indeed common and racial identity wasn't really questioned until we started grade school and had to explain our existance with other kids who where not used to seeing us."

Hawaii is perhaps the best place to live if you are a minority.

Asian American Male
Thursday, February 07, 2002 at 13:46:47 (PST)

AXC:

Hostility? Depends what you mean by "embrace his full heritage." If I ever meet a guy who is the same racial makeup as me but is fully Chinese-Malay-Filipino-German-Armenian pentacultural, able to function in all the above societies, I would not show hostility (actually I would start making nice cuz such a guy will go a LOT farther than me in life). But of course such individuals are indescribably rare.

I have never said anything of the nature that people should follow the path of most oppressed minority. People should identify with what they are. And sorry to be Clintonesque and start debating over the definition of the word "are," but one cannot say "I am Chinese," "I am Armenian," what-have-you, simply on the basis of genes. You are a member of the community you were raised to belong to during childhood and the community you chose to join during the teenage years and adulthood. For anyone to go about claiming an identity with no relavence to their actual values, language, upbringing, is pointless. I and most of the world have ancestors among many nationalities; I won't go about disrespecting their values, but nor will I pretend that I could look to their values as a model of conduct which is not alien but mostly familiar and easily embraceable.

In over 90% of mixed-race individuals I meet, pride in "best of both worlds" is a slogan and meaningless label. They are not actually able to function in both worlds of their parents' ancestries. They were raised in a fully American lifestyle. If it guided them to a happy and successful adulthood, they should be proud of it and ignore the deprecations of those who tell them they should act one way or another simply because of their genes. If the culture of the home included very little of significance with regard to those ancestries, and they are not attempting to abandon something they already had but instead distance themselves from something they never possessed in the first place, this is justified.

But instead these kids will emphasise that they "are" Chinese or whatnot and should be treated as such simply because they have the requisite genes. Then, having announced to the world their pride in being Chinese, they will turn right back around and object to the people who call their bluff and wonder on what possible basis they are Chinese if they do not understand Chinese social and cultural values and do not speak Chinese.

Identifying with any part of your heritage carries a responsibility to understand it and possess the means to perpetuate it among those who will try to learn about it. If a person cannot carry such responsibility, he should be content to say, and his peers should be content to let him say, "my father is Y, my mother is X, but I am neither; I am a member of the society of the country in which I grew up, because it is all I have really understood since my birth."
T.H. Lien
Thursday, February 07, 2002 at 02:15:39 (PST)

If an Asian child is adopted by a White family and raised in Bible-Belt America with no other Asians for hundreds of miles, is that child no longer Asian?

That child may identify as White because that is all he knows and even if he takes it upon himself to learn about his heritage and embrace it, he may still feel more comfortable being White and that is fine for it is his choice but that doesn't change who his ancestors are.

If someone of mixed heritage wants to choose one over the other for whatever reason that is fine for it is his choice but that doesn't change who his ancestors are.

They are indeed tethered by blood and to say they are "unacceptable" because they are more comfortable being the "other" is wrong.

By "my people" I am not implying those closest to my heart for race and lifestyle have no bearing there, but if it turns out our great great grandmothers grew up together, could have been sisters, or could have been the same person then in the bigger picture we come from and are of the same people. It doesn't mean I have to like you or how you choose to live, but I would still consider you "my people" even if you choose not to do the same.

To Paul from Hawaii all I have to say is it must be nice for these topics not to be an issue for it is not a microcosm of the mainland. I grew up military with plenty of other mixed kids running around on the base. We weren't the norm, but we were indeed common and racial identity wasn't really questioned until we started grade school and had to explain our existance with other kids who where not used to seeing us.

You actually reminded me of a joke by Paul Rodriguez, "The sooner everyone starts sleeping with everyone else, the sooner we can all be manilla and forget all the racism crap." I can't say all that dilution would be "better" but I did think it was funny :)

We all choose how we want to live and how to identify ourselves and ultimately nobody else has to live with those decisions but ourselves so stand in the way if you want to but be prepared to face opposition from those who have the right to claim what is theirs.

Susan aka Moodangbulae
moodangbulae@yahoo.com Wednesday, February 06, 2002 at 12:11:05 (PST)

T H Lien:

Are you one of those people who automatically believes the following to be "unequivocal truths":

black + white = black
black + asian = black
black + latin = black
latin + white = latin
latin + asian = latin
asian + white = asian

I ask that because I sense A LOT of hostility from you with regards to multiethnic people who choose to embrace their full ancestry and try to find their own way in the world as opposed to choosing one ethnicity--specifically whichever one is perceived as the "more oppressed" ethnic category.

I don't always see eye to eye with Bruce Lee Wayne, but some of those points he made in that "Multiethnic Persons' Bill of Rights" are well made:

"I have the right: to have loyalties and identification with more than one group of people... not to keep the races separate within me... to identify myself differently than strangers expect me to identify myself... " are ones that really hit home with me when I read his initial posting. As a EurAsian (that's my preferred term while Bruce likes "Hapa") I've had to find my own way and I chose what you seem to sneer at--a "best of both worlds" approach to how I view myself.

When I was a little kid, there were times I was with Asian kids at the playground and I was ashamed to go to my Dad when he'd come to pick me up because he was White. There were other times I was around mostly White kids who thought I was Mexican and I didn't say differently because they seemed okay with Mexicans but not Asians. It frustrated me because I just wanted to feel that I belonged but I was letting different people's views of my ethnicity influence how I saw myself and how I would treat my own parents.

When I got to High School, I thanked God Alief was multiethnic and that we had a Biracial club with kids of all backgrounds. Hanging with other mixed people helped me realize that I was the one who determined my own identity and that I wasn't constrained by society, other people, genetics or even my own family. As I started down that path, I decided for myself that the only people to whom I really needed to show consideration to was my mom, my dad, my brothers and sisters, and those people who constituted my innner circle of true friends. Everyone else was transient.

At that point, I chose to honor my full heritage--Asian and European, and embrace the values my parents had tried to instill in me all my life--pride in my complete heritage without reservation or apology. On my own, I learned about Denmark, Scotland, Taiwan and China. I began to participate in cultural activities where I live that were related to my heritage--Dragon boat racing and the Highland games specifically. I found myself accepted in these situations and really developed a love for my history and the culture of my ancestors.

That love went a long way towards helping me tune out all of those who wanted to put me into their box which would make them feel comfortable. It also gave me an answer to those who would say "You have to 'act fully Chinese'" or "Go on and pass for a tanned White guy, life will be so much easier for you if you do." (That second one came from a full-blooded Asian American male acquaintance of mine by the way.)

You have to make your own way in this world, but don't think that all people of transethnic heritage should just take the path of the "most oppressed minority" and shun a big piece of their genetic and ancestral heritage in the process. That will hurt you later on.

If you don't believe me, look at how well Adjusted Malik Stevenson was on "Real World Back to New York" compared with Nicole Jackson. Both of them were EurAfrican. Malik considered himself to be both White and Black, while Nicole considered herself to be only Black and not White at all. Malik was articulate and even tempered while Nicole was non-stop angry and psychotic. Who do you think was a better "representative agent" of a mixed person?
Andrew Xiaoliang Campbell
Wednesday, February 06, 2002 at 06:36:00 (PST)

Susan:
No one is tethered to anything by blood. Only real ties are who raised you, who you hang out with during the days, and who you go home to at night. You haven't got any obligation to know and represent all the parts of your heritage - plenty of people have mixed ancestry from way back in the day but don't care, because they have been raised into one culture by two parents who identify with that same culture. But conversely, no one else has any obligation to accept you just because you share some genes with them.

As a Chinese person, I will support everyone who has a desire to learn to be Chinese, because in the past my friends supported me in the same way. I get knowledge and support from people who know more than me and pass it down to people who still need to learn. Anyone who is a part of that chain are "my people." Anyone who thinks they don't need to learn, and that their genes, or their clothing, or whatever, are the key to being Asian, are not "my people."
T.H. Lien
Tuesday, February 05, 2002 at 20:43:50 (PST)

After first stumbling onto this site and reading some of it, I was both disgusted and fascinated.
I live in Hawaii not in Honolulu but on the big island of Hawaii. I was born in Japan of japanese parents
and moved here when I was three.

Here, a person's race is of little consequence. We seem to be living in different worlds. I was sickened that
people on the mainland made such a big deal of race. I was amazed that there even is a site such as this.
I can honestly say interracial marriages and relationships are the norm not the exception here. I have a friend
who is filipino, irish, english and japanese and there are many others like him here. The things I read on this
site reminded of what my mother used to say to me when I was a kid, I could marry whoever I wanted as long as
they were'nt black or Corean. She did'nt want a bunch of black kids calling her grandma and Coreans? well I
guess its true what they say about the hatred that exists between these two peoples. Hearing this kind of thing
really sickens me and to this day I am not close to my mother. Maybe she could'nt help it, she would tell me
Coreans are dirtly people with no class then she would tell me it was wrong to judge people that way. I guess
she is a product of the environment in which she grew up. Im just glad I listened to the second part and not
the first part of what she said.

We also make jokes about other races which nobody takes seriously. Would you believe my favorite episode
of Gilligan's Island is the one where the japanese sailor takes Gilligan and the others prisoner and puts
them in a cage? These kinds of caricatures dont bother me at all. Everyone here uses the word "chinese" to
describe someone who is tightfisted with money and we all just laugh.

Don't get me wrong, Im not against this site but a site such as this can only exist in a rascist society.
Here in Hawaii we never discuss the topics on this site simply because they are not an issue.

PaUL
Tuesday, February 05, 2002 at 15:53:45 (PST)

T.H. Lien:

I don't know your background, but if you're monoethnic, you have no frame of reference and if you're of mixed heritage, you need to step back and think for second.

Are you responsible for other people--be they White, Asian or whatever--and their discomfort with your appearance being "not entirely White or Asian"? HELL NO!

Do you have to justify your right to exist to anyone? HELL NO!

Do you have to argue your legitimacy as being of any of your ethnicy ancestries? HELL NO!

If you read the Mutliethnic Persons' Bill of Rights carefully, you would clearly see that it isn't absolving multiethnic peoples' responsibilities for their own behaviors or actions are members of society. However, it is asserting that we are not responsible for the actions or the discomforts of others who don't know how to react to us due to our ambiguous ethnicity.

I know some Hapas who only identify themselves as "full Asian" or "full White" because they can "pass" or because they most strongly identify with that culture. It is their right to do so and if they change how they view themselves, it is their right to do so as well. The ultimate choice of how a multiethnic individual views themself is within their own perceptions and not within the perceptions of society, their family members or the "communities" of those who share some of their same ancestry. This is the right of individual self-determination and it is something that we all have, point blank period.

If you're mixed but want to say you're full Asian, that's your right and God Bless you. I'm mixed and I say I'm Hapa and am not ashamed to be part White or part Asian. That is MY right and I make no apologies for it to you, any other Asians, Whites or fellow Hapas. If you don't like it, you can SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!
Bruce Lee Wayne, Proud Hapa who supports the rights of mixed people to determine for themselves who they are regardless of how others wish to categorize them
Tuesday, February 05, 2002 at 11:52:44 (PST)

T.H. Lien,

What quantifies an individual as being a "real" Asian? Language, cultural identity, coming from the Mother Land? Asian-Americans are indeed that, an amalgam of Old World and New World ideals and values and if that person is of mixed heritage then it just adds more ingredients, but I would never sit back and label any individual as deserving of ZERO acceptance.

I also will not pretend that it does not annoy me to see so called "bananas" or "twinkies" or "oreos" or whatever term one wants to apply to an ethnic individual who lives a lifestyle far removed from their people, spout off about pride and not have a clue, but who's to say whether they are or are not ethnic enough?

I agree that language is the most divisive factor between Americanized youth and their Old World connections but for mixed race kids, as I stated before, there are more ingredients that have to be dealt with and to say that race is NOT a factor is blindness. Much of the seperation gap is indeed self-imposed but even if you don't think they qualify as "real Asians" they are still tethered to the culture by blood.

I concede "tolerate" is a better word for it is to recognize and respect the rights, beliefs, or practices of others; to allow without prohibiting or opposing. I got that straight from the dictionary and also looked up "accept" which can mean to endure resignedly or patiently.

We may not like certain attitudes displayed by full blooded Asian-Americans or by mixed Asian-Americans and in our own judgmental minds we may deem them unfit or unworthy of the mantle of being "Asian" but that is not our place.
There is much more to being Asian than using chop sticks and Hello Kitty but your people are your people.
Moodangbulae
moodangbulae@yahoo.com Monday, February 04, 2002 at 13:32:57 (PST)

Susan:
Hmm. There are also a bunch of full-Asian kids who perceive themselves to be Asian just because everyone else they hang around has the same color hair, facial structure, clothes, food, music of this little "Asian-American" subculture which has nothing to do with being Asian. Is it to them you are referring when you say that many full-race individuals who know nothing about their heritage and don't make an effort to uphold their own community?

Well, they find out what's up when they go back to Asia or encounter real Asians, and find out that drinking bubble tea, playing basketball, and wearing Banana Republic don't make up for language inability and cultural gap.

As for mixed-race kids? Some hang with the Asian-American crew I mentioned above, some hang with another crew because they aren't compatible with that lifestyle. That's not the issue. A mixed-race Asian who doesn't speak their Asian ancestral language and doesn't have any desire for acculturation deserves precisely the same amount of acceptance among Asians as a full-race Asian of the same description - ZERO. Only difference is, many full-race Asians will figure out the lack of acceptance is due to language barrier (even if they fail to notice the cultural differences), whereas some mixed-race Asians immediately go off into some diatribe about racism, which has nothing to do with the issue. No one denies them anything, they just deny themselves through language, cultural, and attitude gap.

"People from all backgrounds, mixed or mono, deserve to be celebrated and accepted. "
They deserve to be tolerated, which is different. Simply put, tolerating someone's cultural values means I wouldn't have an objection to them living next door to them. Acceptance means recognizing someone as a member of one's own culture/group. Or at least that's how I understand the words. And I have no idea what "celebrated" means in this context.
T.H. Lien
Sunday, February 03, 2002 at 22:06:43 (PST)

People from all backgrounds, mixed or mono, deserve to be celebrated and accepted. Unfortunately, most people neither give nor receive what is due.

I have made the personal decision not to deny my multi-racial heritage because I simply cannot and I will not. There is nothing society can say or do to change who I am as a MIXED individual, ever. Is it arrogance to find a voice and speakout in a world where you would otherwise have no representation? If yes, then so be it because I already have a big ego.

I know full blooded Koreans who have learned nothing of Korean history and speak the language worse than I do, which is pretty bad, and have made little or no effort to change that status. Are they "showing the slightest bit of interest or ability to uphold and become decent members" of the Korean community? Nope, but that doesn't change who they are.

Whether people are of "pure blood" or mixed, if they are total deadbeats or the most militant advocate of racial understanding and harmony, even if they completely deny one set of roots for the sake of another, they cannot be dismissed and unrecognized no matter how bad you may want to.

Just because some hapas display undesirable traits or behavior to the point where NOBODY would want to claim them as part of their fold, doesn't mean such action is justified. You have to take the good with the bad and there are plenty of lack luster full race individuals who are still accepted and respected because of their heritage, so why deny a Hapa the same?

-Susan
Moodangbulae
moodangbulae@yahoo.com Saturday, February 02, 2002 at 11:19:44 (PST)

Bruce Lee Wayne:
There is no such thing as a right to be free from criticism or people making you uncomfortable, which is what that Multiethnic Bill of 'Rights' is trying to push through.

Too many mixed-race kids run around demanding they be "accepted" and "celebrated" by everyone around them without showing the slightest bit of interest or ability to uphold and become decent members of any one of their ancestral cultures, let alone all of them. That is pure egocentrism and arrogance.
T.H. Lien
Friday, February 01, 2002 at 00:12:08 (PST)

Vicky,

I love your story and internalize much of what you have stated. I am half Korean and half African-American and yes, I have an EGO from another planet, but that is no fault of my parents. That's something I did all on my own because both of my parents are humble and live simplly, though I must say they are both pretty damn good looking...

Anyway, I cannot speak for Happa children raised in other parts of the world, for I am sure their plight differs from us raised in the States, but ultimately the responsility lies with us, the children.

We can take life's lemons and make lemon aide or sit there with a sour face. Sure, growing up might have been easier if I had an older generation of Hapas to look to for guidance but that wasn't the case.

Most of the Hapas I know, and I know a bunch, are mostly products of the 70's and I know a few that are now in their 30's, so growing up, we were all just children. Now, I see a whole mess of Hapa teenagers and youngins that look to me for advice and I am thrilled to share how I did it growing up.

I know my parents did the best they could and sure they made mistakes, all parents do, but they ment well. Growing up mixed you have to find out a lot of things on your own and some deal with it better than others. Some are bitter and angry, some are a little prouder than the average human being, some try to assimulate as much as possible into one race and deny all ties to the other and some just don't care.

Thank you again for your story and to all Asian Hapa mothers everywhere, don't feel so bad!

Susan
Moodangbulae
moodangbulae@yahoo.com Thursday, January 31, 2002 at 14:37:02 (PST)

Vicky-

Thanks very much for the story. My hapa friends have galactic egos too. We're still good friends nevertheless. Their arrogance is non-racial though, more of just the belief that an over-abundance of people find them interesting and attractive.

For a pure Asian with a grandpa from Shianghai, I'm pretty freakin' arrogant in white society myself because gramps was one handsome dude. I'm not sure if it would be any different by marrying a fellow asian. The 50/50 chance of your youngest to become attractive, interesting and egotistic still stands, happa or no happa.

Further, by marrying an asian stud now, your happa kids are feeling some racial shame for the first time, and I'm sure they're blaming you for "introducing" that feeling in the household. Even though it's their own problem to cope with, it looks like mom's job has only just begun!
Confident ABC
Thursday, January 31, 2002 at 00:48:54 (PST)

Vicky:

Don't you realize that there is a Multiethnic bill of rights out there? It was written by a fellow Mixed person by the name of Maria PP Root:

I HAVE THE RIGHT...
Not to justify my existence in this world.
Not to keep the races separate within me.
Not to be responsible for people's discomfort with my physical ambiguity.
Not to justify my ethnic legitimacy.

I HAVE THE RIGHT...
To identify myself differently than strangers expect me to identify.
To identify myself differently from how my parents identify me.
To identify myself differently from my brothers and sisters.
To identify myself differently in different situations.

I HAVE THE RIGHT...
To create a vocabulary to communicate about being multiracial.
To change my identity over my lifetime -- and more than once.
To have loyalties and identification with more than one group of people.
To freely choose whom I befriend and love.

You are not a person of mixed heritage, and thus you cannot relate to your own kids because of it. So, instead of trying to do so you first blame yourself and then you blame society to absolve yourself.

If you truly love your kids, you will take the above passage to heart, quit judging your kids and just show them your unconditional parental love.
Bruce Lee Wayne
Wednesday, January 30, 2002 at 05:46:40 (PST)

Vicky:

It is very easy to blame society for stuff like that, but some of it comes from a person's own decisions on how to handle things.

You talked a lot about yourself and wondering if it were your fault, but you didn't say a whole lot about your ex-husband. Did he reenforce that your kids should be proud of their complete heritage? Did he support your efforts for them to learn Japanese? Did he back you up on issues related to Japanese culture? Did he invest a lot of time with his children? Has he done so since the divorce? Have you done anything to try to make them hate their father or his "Whiteness" which may have caused them to resent you and get to you via hating their Japanese ancestry?

I ask all of these questions, because I am a EurAsian/AsiOpean and I have no "identity crisis" about who I am. I am proud of my Scottish/Danish heritage and I am proud of my Chinese/Taiwanese heritage. Both of my parents early on had the entire family engaging in traditional cultural activities reflective of both ancestries. I have three brothers and two sisters, so you can imagine how this could be!

My father always backed my mother on all of us going to Chinese school every Saturday afternoon. My mom always backed my dad on having us learn soccer, watch documentaries/movies on Denmark, Scotland, and their traditions. I participated in two Dragon Boat Races and Three Highland Games growing up in Houston.

The repeated messages I and my siblings got in words and in actions from my parents were:

-We are Chinese/Taiwanese, Scotts/Danish and American simultaneously

-My father was proud of and respected my mothers' heritage and vice versa.

-White didn't make right or might, nor did Yellow.

-The Society of our Family was more important than Popular Culture.

-Myself, My Brothers and My Sisters were all unique creations of God, whom He and my parents love very, very much.

My experience is very different from your childrens' in that my parents are still married--40 years in fact. That's "not normal" in comparison to society at large, but so what? I have known other EurAsians who were very arrogant--some of them had gotten their inflated ideas of their beauty/self-importance from Asian Grandparents/Aunts & Uncles who were always going on and on about how Mixed Children were much more beautiful than purebreeds. Some mixed girls and guys have used an "exotic mix" angle to cut out some purebreeds on both sides of the racial divide. I can go on and on and on.

You didn't mention how old your EurAsian kids were--if they're teenagers, their just being rebellious and will grow out of it in their 20s. If they're much younger, they need counseling from a Japanese American therapist who has pride in his ancestry. If they're already grown up, they've made a choice that's going to blow up in their faces later on.

In any case, I don't have enough info to make the call. However, my instincts say some of this is either resentment from you divorcing their father or the fact that their father didn't reenforce pride in their total heritage.
Andrew Xiaoliang Campbell
Wednesday, January 30, 2002 at 05:28:20 (PST)

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