Growing Up with Domestic Violence | Asian Air True Stories

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Growing Up with Domestic Violence

s a child, I recall all these terrible images of my father beating my mother. His raised fists pounding her face,and his legs kicking her back. My mother screaming, and begging for mercy. No police were ever called. Usually, my father would burst into a fit of rage and attack my mother when she dared to question his whereabouts late in the evening(affairs?), or the loss of huge amounts of money. All those welts and bruises she sustained after the
beatings will forever be ingrained in me until the day I die.

I couldn't understand for the life of me why she would stay with such an abusive man. Her answer was simple. Asian people don't air out their dirty laundry. It would be deeply shameful. What for? Friends and relatives knew what happened between my father and mother. They knew. Divorce was definitely out of the question. No one in our family has ever been divorced. And what my mother feared more than divorce, not even the expense of saving her life, she was afraid people would think she was a bad person.

I don't know what happened exactly, but my mother changed her mind about divorcing my father. One particular incident involved my father physically attacking me(he never hit me before) because he thought I was disrespectful. I only asked him why there was a strange woman's picture in his wallet, and he lost it. My tearful wails made my mother reconsider her option. She told him she was leaving him for good. And she did. The divorce soon followed.

Afterward, my dad told lies to people about my mother not being a good wife. Something my mother was afraid of. People who didn't know my mother were so quick to pass judgement. They pitied my father for having such a wife. The nerve of those people. They didn't know the real truth. Amazingly, my mother's family were very suppportive, and helped her through her ordeal.

Today, my mother has recovered physically, but emotionally, she's somewhat scarred by the abuse. She doesn't trust people readily especially men. Although, she IS getting better. Thanks to counselling. Fortunately for me, I didn't have such issues. I do wonder what became of my father. Last I heard, he remarried another woman. I hope the same thing doesn't happen to her, but if it is happening, I pray she'll get out before she winds up dead. To the women even men out there suffering from abuse, please get help! There are resources out there to assist you. Save yourselves now before it's too late!
Unbroken spirit
Friday, January 18, 2002 at 13:52:29 (PST)

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READER COMMENTS

I can relate to your story, winner. Although neither of my parents have been diagnosed with mental illness, I've always known that there was something wrong with both of them, and not just for the way they treated me or each other but for the way they behaved in general. What I saw growing up affected me a lot and while I could say I was scarred, I feel that I am doing the responsible thing by sorting through my feelings of past confusion and fear and how they affect me in the present with my therapist. I'm also getting psychopharmacological treatment for bipolar illness and ADHD, which apparently has a strong genetic component.
I think what saddens me most is that both of my parents are in denial that there is anything wrong with them. This means that their lives will pass and they will never get treatment to attenuate the ravages of mood swings and impulsive behavior. This is not to say that my parents haven't been successful-- actually, on a relative scale, they've done a tremendous amount with their lives, and they are incredibly talented people. It's just the fact that for every good, they've done terrible wrong. Physical, sexual, verbal... any kind of abuse is a wrong, especially when done to a child.
In any case, things can and do get easier. As I get older (I'm 20 years old now) my mother and I are developing a better relationship together. I don't ever bring up the past, but the fact that she hasn't raised her fist or voice at me in a long time has made things a bit easier to deal with.
bipolar femme Monday, November 04, 2002 at 09:49:49 (PST) [18.244.7.207]

I can remeber hiding in the closet when my father would rage. My first memory is of my mother going out a window to get away from him, and being sick because she hid outside all night. Undoubtedly, he was bipolar, and in the fifities there was no treatment for his problems.
He died in 1956 when I was in first grade. I remember the relief I felt, and how terrible it was to be relieved that my father had died. Why didn't my mother leave him? She raised us on her own after he was gone. We couldn't help but feel she valued him above us.
We try to overcome the pain of our childhood, but you never escape it. We still select seats with our backs to the wall so we can't be ambushed. One brother is a severe schizophrenic and drug addict, and my sisters are in treatment for bipolar illness and depression. Still, we have not let this define our lives and have gotten eduations and been good parents.Mothers, get out at the first sign of abuse! It would have been far worse if my father had lived longer.
A winner, not a survivor
Tuesday, February 26, 2002 at 10:17:33 (PST)

My dad was the epitome of a romantic husband. His weakness is gambling and a big fat liar. He almost ruined my mom's life by lying to her that he needs money for business that ended up on the casino table. i hate my dad. Months through pregnancy, my mom cleared her drawers and left.
My husband's father is irasibly impulsive. he battered his wife for years until he miraculously left his wife (mom-in-law) and my husband.
I see traits of violence in my husband. when he gets upset, he would throw tantrums on his belongings. i get scared deep inside, but i would act as if his menace is senseless and fruitless. "Look what you've done. Now you owe me $180 for the keyboard tray." (note, NO exclaimation marks!!) Moments later, i would ask him to try throwing some stuffed toys or plastic mugs around. he looks stupid behaving like his dad. i'm glad that his tantrum has reduced after 3 years of the tactic. i have pillows in the living room for cover!
JJ
Thursday, February 21, 2002 at 11:14:56 (PST)

Unbroken spirit:

Was your father a white guy ? Are you a child of a mixed-race marraige ?

keviv
Sunday, February 17, 2002 at 22:08:32 (PST)

Unbroken spirit:
I've been there, I feel your pain. The only reason I did not kill the man who beat my mother when I was 13 yrs old, is because I know my mother would have been more angry at me for killing him. If I had to do it over again that lowlife would be dead as a door nail.
Keep your spirit high !!!
Women: don't ACCEPT it !
Wednesday, January 23, 2002 at 09:34:33 (PST)

I understand you totally Unbroken Spirit. I am a child of domestic abuse and of divorce parents as well. Your story sounds almost like mine:a beaten mother and an abusive father who would burst out in easily angered rages. I have older siblings so they had felt his wrath worse than I did. My older brother spent 7 years of his life in prison because of my father's behavior. My oldest sister escape to college for a new life for the past 10 years; and she just recently moved back home. Although the abuse had ended almost 11 years ago when I was 12, I pretty much raised my self mentally from there. Why my mom hesitated to divorce my father until I was 12? It wasn't a question of honor or saving face, but of survival. You see, I am the child of immigrants. When my mom arrived in this country she knew no English and had no trade skills at all. She was totally dependent on my father to raise her three kids. So she had no choice but to stay with my father and endure his abuse until she was strong enough to leave him. Of course the trash talking ensued from my father after the divorce. In the past 11 years my mother has raised 3 beautiful children, paid off the mortage of the old house, about to close the deal of a newly built bigger house, and bought 2 brand new cars all by herself. My mother is the definition of strength and courage.

Yes, my mother has deep emotional and mental scars from her experiences, but I love and respect her a great deal.

Nam
Monday, January 21, 2002 at 16:40:16 (PST)