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At one point while I was sitting through more questions such as “What kind of car do you drive?” or “Who is the most famous person you have worked with?” a student came over to me and introduced himself as Tung. We had a one-on-one conversation about my performance. He told me that my performance had made an impression on him and that he wanted to get my record played on Tulane's college radio station. I met another DJ earlier who had strolled by because he had heard our set and asked us for a record to play on his show, so this was a double bonus for me. Anyway, Tung was like this random person sent from God to save me from my moment of complete awkwardness and discomfort. He apparently heard what I had to say earlier and validated me by giving me props and telling me that he "got it." It was around that point that I decided I shouldn't have to force myself to stay in the auditorium any longer, so I busted out of there.
Argh. I know there is a huge Asian scene out there for hip hop culture and I totally respect that. I guess what bothered me is that the speaker represented to me what happened when I googled “Asian teens” for the Asian American club I sponsored when I taught high school and found a not very pleasant surprise of Asian women who have not completely negotiated their identities in such a way that they are okay with commodifying the fetishism of Asian women. I later found out that she indeed is a Playboy model, and an import model is a model that drapes herself over cars.
The whole point of my activism and AIR is to defeat these stereotypes and the “geisha”-ization of Asian women in particular. I was upset by the fact that the students clearly did not inform themselves of what I was about and put me in such an uncomfortable and awkward position of sharing a stage with a person that I felt in many ways epitomized what I was trying to fight against through my activism. I was even more upset by the fact that the students looked towards her for advice and guidance in relation to Asians in the music scene when she clearly was unqualified to speak on behalf of the entire Asian American music scene. I don't think she had any clue as to who Seam, Versus or even Mike Park would be. It was obvious that her touring and music experiences went as far as her participation as a model in the import scene in that she kept repeating certain facts over and over again while being vague with others, if you know what I mean. She just couldn't give these kids that power to know that they don't have to succumb to mainstream societal pressures of looking or acting a certain way to be accepted in order to have their voices heard in the entertainment industry.
What broke my heart even more was when after the whole thing, I talked to several of the Asian female students and they had told me that they had spent hours trying to look good because they were intimidated by the fact that an actual model was coming to visit Tulane. I kept saying to them, “No, you guys are the real thing... you are beautiful.” Argh!
I know what I am writing here might be misconstrued as a total judgment call. I don't condemn the speaker at all for what she does for a living, and it's completely her prerogative. However, I do think it's inappropriate for a person like me who is trying to accomplish something completely different be booked in a context in which she and I supposedly represent the same thing when we clearly are at the opposite sides of the spectrum. If the organization had taken two seconds to look over AIR's profile, I think they would have seen how weird it was to have an Asian woman in that industry speak for someone like me. On a more extreme measure, it's kind of like having Margaret Cho open a show with her standup through her activist standpoint, not knowing that she is opening for the featured guest speaker who is that Asian pornstar who fucked 100 zillion guys in the name of feminism. Obviously, I'm not saying the featured speaker at Tulane was a pornstar or that I am by any means Margaret Cho, but I think you get the picture.
So although I maintained my composure and smiled at the speaker and thanked all the students, I was pretty upset by the whole thing for awhile, meandering aimlessly throughout the streets of New Orleans, totally disheartened. However, I realized that this is why I do what I do, and I have always known that it would never be easy. And I know for a fact that there was at least a handful of kids in the audience that night who had never seen an Asian woman let alone an Asian musician like me who had things to say like I had to say and wrote and performed the kind of music that I did. For example, my new friend Tung and my new friend Xin. I can only hope that the students that I reached went home and thought about how they can truly be themselves and develop their voices through art and to accept themselves for who they are. They don't have to be 30 lbs with big boobage to look like Lucy Liu and objectify themselves to achieve mainstream success. They don't have to put out mediocre half-assed, cheesy and insincere R&B dance pop albums just because there seems to be a thriving Asian American scene for it.
Argh, I'm not sure if I quite articulated my thoughts as I completely intended, but I hope you understand what I mean.
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“They don't have to put out mediocre half-assed, cheesy and insincere R&B dance pop albums just because there seems to be a thriving Asian American scene for it. ”
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