STAYING SINGLE
PAGE 2 of 5
What drives people like Dang to work so hard at the expense of their private lives? For some it's the same cultural pressures that are urging them to marry and have children. Many believe there will be plenty of time to work on a family once financial security has been achieved, and don't want to get married until they reach a point where they don't have to work so many hours and can devote more time to their spouses.
| "I always tell everyone they should make sure they can be independent before they get married." |
But in many cases this protective sense of obligation felt by Asian men clashes head-on with the values of modern Asian American women, who say relationships are very difficult when the woman is financially dependent.
"It makes a difference in a relationship, whether you're male or female, to be able to stand on your own if you have to," says 29-year-old Vera deVera, a Filipina American public affairs professional who's delaying marriage until she's accomplished more in life.
DeVera, like many Asian women who are choosing to hold off on marriage, is not an unattractive spinster who¹s never had any offers--she's turned down two proposals. She simply wants to have the freedom to do what she wants, possibly going to law school or traveling around the world‹a freedom she thinks she'll lose if she's tied to a husband and kids. And she wants to feel financially independent to avoid being trapped in a relationship.
Aeliot Boswell is a witty, successful Los Angeles attorney who is cynical
about marriage as only a divorce lawyer can be. To Boswell, who has seen
the crumbling remains of hundreds of shattered marriages, deVera's fear of
being trapped in a dependent relationship is only common sense.
"I always tell everyone they should make sure they can be independent
before they get married," says Boswell, a single "30-something" Eurasian
woman. "You need to develop as a person and feel self-sufficient enough that
you're free to escape if you want to."
Boswell, who claims to have turned down about 300 marriage proposals
if you count "repeat offenders," says she's dated younger men and older men,
rich ones and poor ones, and money is often a source of conflict. Once she
was dating a very handsome young man who relied on her for presents and
financial support, but the relationship ended because, while he appreciated
her gifts, beneath the surface he was seething with resentment.
Single filmmaker Harry Dang
"If you're with someone who has all the money, and you have to beg for it, that's creating hostilities," she says. "You need to have power balances for marriages to work, and you need to talk a lot, and you need to be really open and equal with each other."
But it's not money worries that have prevented Boswell from marrying up to this point. After all, her last boyfriend was another successful attorney who was her equal financially and intellectually. She simply hasn't found anyone she wants to spend that much time with. PAGE 3
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