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Your Child's First Identity Crisis
PAGE 2 OF 2
Suppose your child tells you, "Linda pulled her eyes up like this." She is really asking you for a cue as to what significance, if any, that act might have and how she should respond. If you react angrily, "That Linda is a nasty little girl!" your child will see future such encounters as sources of hurt and anger. Hurt and anger are unpleasant emotions which a normal child seeks to avoid. Such an emotional response would grant anyone who pulls up the corners of their eyes the power to force these unpleasant emotion on your child. Your child would approach future contact with Linda and other classmates with wary trepidation -- not an advantageous or empowering attitude.
You can suggest a more empowering attitude by laughingly asking, "Did you do this to Linda?", pulling down the corners of your eyes. This will show your child that her friend's action is funny or trivial rather than upsetting. Conveying this attitude arms your child with a harmless but effective way to deter -- or at least enjoy -- similar encounters in the future. This is not to suggest that your child won't be bothered or even a bit hurt by the thought of being singled out for her physical differences, but it will remove most of the sting and give her a relatively painless context in which to view such encounters.
Your child may well ask, "Why are my eyes different?"
A good response would be a cheerful, "Your eyes are exactly the way beautiful Asian eyes are supposed to be, just like mine."
That might suggest to your child the followup question: "Why are Asian eyes different?" The more comfortable and relaxed you seem with the idea of racial differences, the more questions she will ask.
You could explain, "Eyes are held up by cheekbones. Our broader cheekbones help our faces stay warm in cold weather and protect our eyes from glare coming off snow. And our thicker eyelids protect our eyes from freezing winds and harsh sunlight."
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That will naturally lead to the question, "Why do Linda and the other kids have different looking eyes?" The more questions she asks, the more opportunity for you to instill pride in her physical appearance and heritage.
Your response: "Caucasians have smaller cheekbones so their eyes droop down at the outer corners. And their eyes are set deep so they don't get poked out by leaves and branches as they walk through forests. You see, most Caucasians are descended from people who lived in forests where there was less sun and less cold winds. We Asians are mostly descended from people who lived in windy plains."
Explaining the reason for physical differences will not only amuse and engage your child, but will suggest that physical differences aren't random oddities but the product of adaptation to varied environments. This knowledge will help your child take pride and interest in her cultural heritage while respecting the heritages of others.
Environment and cultural heritage leads quite naturally to discussions of the differing kinds of foods eaten by people of Asian and European heritage. For many kids food is the most visible cultural artifact. Lunches are often sources of hurtful teasing among younger kids. Teaching your child about the environmental, cultural and nutritional factors behind foods like sushi, tofu, sausage, cheese and the like will prepare her to handle encounters that may be precipitated by the foods she takes for lunch. Knowing what goes into the making of cheese, prosciutto, yogurt or sausage is a wonderful counter to any attempt at poking fun at Asian foods like tofu, kimchi, sushi or dwaenjang. As she feels more comfortable with Asian food, your child will take on the confident attitude of a cultural ambassador. Sharing cultural knowledge -- even in teasing or bantering sessions -- will help her and her friends get beyond physical differences to the more interesting aspects of racial and ethnic differences.
As an Asian American parent you will be well rewarded for devoting time and effort to educating yourself on the sources and production methods of foods, Asian and western. Food is an inherently interesting topic and the dinner table is the best possible classroom for imparting food knowledge in a relaxed and fun way. Every tasty morsel of knowledge will add to your child's comfort level with her cultural heritage and her confidence in dealing with silly racial biases.
| "Our broader cheekbones help our faces stay warm in cold weather and protect our eyes from glare coming off snow." |