POLL & COMMENTS
ASIAN MALE/ WHITE FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 04:28:53 PM
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WHAT YOU SAY
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Bella- "I don't see why it really has to come up unless you're planning to get married"
Yes, I'd rather treat women from a "same-race" position. It breaks the ice and opens up chemistry. Proximity is really the issue regarding family commitments of any kind. So you move out-of-state. If the family lives in the same town or the same darn subdivision, you WILL have culture anxiety and awkwardness in addition to the usual same-race hassles with in-laws if you do not envision a multi-cultural communal marriage. Every spouse has the right to avoid the "in-laws" be it IR or same-race, but that right is at the center of the culture barrier. The deal with Asians as "the whole package" is true for certain families. My parents are genuine NYC workaholics and totally not domestic, so I only focus care on my parents as they get older and weaker; as most people should in general.
Vision of marriage is the major problem facing IR, not entirely race. Old fashioned communal-marriage vs today's couple-marriage? White American families used to be just as tight as Asian American families before the 1970's. So its easy to exclude race as a factor. The route of denial all over again! Some asians are control-freaks, some asians are comfort-freaks. Just go with what's comfortable. haha
1AM in Marin
Wednesday, December 04, 2002 at 20:35:26 (PST)
Forget it. She's not going to do you when she's ALREADY your friend. Girls put you in the EITHER friend OR boyfriend catergory, usually NOT both.
My advice: stop hanging out with her so much. Or better yet, get a girlfriend and let that White female "friend" of yours know it and see it. Make out with your girlfriend in front of her. If your White "female" friend is remotely interested in ya, she'll get jealous, feel threatened, come around and send you strong signals.
There are too many women in this board, like that Dharma chic, who claimed that women actually like nice guys. Puhlease. Listen boys, NEVER ask women for dating or relationship advices. Do NOT listen to women for dating or relationship advices. First of all, most women have NO clue what they want. They THINK they want one thing but they actually want another. Second of all, the advices they offer are to THEIR benefits, NOT ours. That means women give you advice that put women in a advantage position and men in a disadvantage position. They give you advice on how to make women happy (e.g., "shower her with money and love!") and NOT to make YOU happy (e.g., "do this to get her panties off!")
Dharma is offering some really bad advice. She's young (22, she's just a pup), so I don't blame her. I'm kinda busy right now so I don't have time to offend her. Wait 'till this weekend.
The doctor is in,
T'K Chang firstname.lastname@example.org
Wednesday, December 04, 2002 at 12:50:51 (PST)
I completely sympathize with your situation. Many people go through your same situation, where basically one falls in love with one's best friend of the opposite sex.
Tkd22, I think it's absolutely fantastic that you found such a great girl that matches your profile, and further, that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Many people have yet to find such a love in their life, so consider yourself lucky.
HOWEVER...and this is a BIG however...
Your lucky situation just turned into a tragic one once you mentioned she does not return the same feelings to you. It's fantastic that you found a girl that you have such deep feelings for, but the problem is that it takes two to tango. Your great feelings for her mean absolutely nothing if she does not reciprocate them back to you. If she does not see you as more than a friend, then chances are you won't be able to change her mind.
I know because you're so in love that you'll tell yourself that she'll eventually come around. That IS a possibility, but realistically speaking, the possibility of that outcome is as great as UN inspectors not finding any nuclear devices in Saudi Arabia. Thus, what you really have to do, TDK22, is to take a step back and take a realistic look at the situation. From the information you have given, the bottom line is that she does not see you as more than a friend, and there is nothing that you can do to change her mind.
Now, what are your options? Well, this is when you have to decide what you want to do. If you think you have a chance of changing her mind by revealing to her your feelings, go for it. On the other hand, after looking at the bottom line of the situation, if you think that her mind won't be changed, and that you will probably lose her friendship forever by revealing to her your feelings for her, then it's time to move on my friend. If I were you, I would probably not see her for a while to get my mind away from her and to move on with my life. You have to really ask yourself if revealing your feelings to her is worth risking the rare and amazing friendship you have with this lady friend.
TDK22, you're in a tough situation. I know it's going to be hard to make a decision, but you will learn from this situation, and become wiser. I wish you the best of luck and wisdom to make the right decision.
Doc Love Graduate
Tuesday, December 03, 2002 at 23:54:11 (PST)
STOP! The last thing you wanna tell her is that you love her after she told you that she's only interested in you as a friend. The best soultion is to have her introduce her female friends to you (as dates). Hopefully birds of a feather, flock together. She get to be your good friend. You will get a girl. And, if she's interested in you after all, she will come around. Everyone is happy. Now, don't tell me that she's your one and only girl in this whole wide world. If you really want her that bad, ...... the best thing you can do is go out with other girls. She will see how happy other girls are to be with you. If you are selling something to anyone, just show her how good the product (you) is. You have been presenting yourself as a FRIEND. Have you ever even flirt with her? If you need to TELL her how you feel about her, then you are not doing a very good job. Give me your email address. I can forward some things for you to get into.
Tuesday, December 03, 2002 at 16:54:38 (PST)
It is a very hard situation... Perhaps she does like you and is not sure yet... but the opposite can be true, and she only likes you as a friend. Do you know if she is open to interracial relationships? If she has never been confronted with this issue, maybe she dosent consider you bf material. (or not yet anyway) You have to show her how you feel in little ways but without coming on too strong. Coming on too strong can scare someone away.
That said, I don't know yours or the girls personality, so it's hard to say... Did she recently come out of a relationship or anything like that? And how does she treat you?
Also, never confuse love with lust, they can be very similar in the beginning and misleading. Sometimes you can think you are in love with someone and it turns out it's something else.
The only thing I can be sure of for now is that you should wait to tell her that you love her until you are sure she is interested in you romantically, that way the feelings can be returned!
Tuesday, December 03, 2002 at 11:06:34 (PST)
I am friends with a wonderful WF at school for quite some time now. We enjoy spending time together, and I think she likes my company. She is warm, sensitive, shy, beautiful, and overall amazing and special person. I want to tell her that I love her, but like I said she is my friend. Should I tell her how I feel about her? I know I stand a chance of losing her, but on the other hand I really want her to know. She is the "one" that I want to spend my life with. I told her before that I like her a lot, and she has indicated that she considers me as just a friend. I have found it increasingly difficult to refrain from saying how much I love her everytime we are together. I don't know if I can take this any longer. What should I do?
Tuesday, December 03, 2002 at 01:35:44 (PST)
"Don't get me wrong, she was a great girl, but throughout the course of the time we were dating, religion constantly came up as a subject of debate. That relationship didn't last too long. I wonder if anyone else on this poll has had similar problems with an ex."
Did she bring up religion everytime you wanted to have sex with her?
T'K Chang email@example.com
Monday, December 02, 2002 at 17:41:54 (PST)
T K Chang, your post was hilarious.
1AM in Marin- Interesting post- I think that the Route of Denial is the one that I have taken in inter-racial relationships both past and present. I don't know if that's good or bad. On the one hand, I don't see why it really has to come up unless you're planning to get married. You should get to know each other on a personal level, as individuals. But then others would say- an Asian man is Asian- you are dating the whole pacakge, and it's up to you to make an attempt to learn his language, learn about his culture, etc. Sometimes I want to talk about these things with my boyfriend but he never brings it up, sometimes it's kind of like the elephant in the room that no one talks about. Overall it doesn't come up very much, because I can't really say that we have major cultural differences. The only things I can think of is that I am individualistic, independent, have a good relationship with my family but don't spend much time with them, consider being successful important but not the be all and end all of life, and like to shop for instant gratification without thinking ahead. My boyfriend is much closer with his family, and his life is intricately tied in with theirs. He is so good with his money, and plans meticulously for the future. I think these are great qualities in him as a person, but sometimes I wonder, if we get married, would we be spending a whole lot of time with his family? I like them very much, but I'm just not into big family get togethers, I come from a small family and I feel a little awkward.
Max, I'm doing pretty well thanks, how about you? I can imagine that religious differences could cause a lot of problems in a relationship. I'm not a religious person, and my boyfriend is Buddhist but it's not a big part of his life, so I've never come across that problem.
Monday, December 02, 2002 at 09:34:39 (PST)
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