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POLL & COMMENTS
ASIAN MALE/ WHITE FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS
(Updated
Wednesday, Jan 22, 2025, 06:39:10 AM
to reflect the 100 most recent valid responses.)
This poll is closed to new input.
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
Tan Man: Sorry I didn't get a chance to email you. I plan on going back down for my bro-in laws b-day and let her know to. I think this will go well. She definitely wants to get to know me from all the questions she's asked me.
Yea, I didn't want to get off the phone to, when my cell rang I was in a restaurant with a bud. I grabbed it and ran outside to answer it. Talked to her until I turned into a popsicle and told her that I was at a restaurant. She was going to the movies at 9p.m. and I finished dinner at 8:00 and tried to call her but her phone was busy. I just talked to her monday so i'll probably call her on Friday or Thursday. Two days a week sound good? Hate to call on a friday though.
ABT pjchen28@hotmail.com
Wednesday, January 09, 2002 at 20:17:09 (PST)
I agree w/traveled guy,
I'm curious. If you and your friend, of whom you are siding with, are so fond of only European women, hairy thighs and all, then why don't you just trot yourselves over to a target site like Asian Men/European Women? The majority of women who frequent here are American. Also, I think it's very easy for European women to be "more easy going, less materialistic, more cultured and sure less pretentious than American women" because it's hard to be all those things when you are freezing your behind off in Siberia. BTW, I don't have any claws, just a nice French (hairless) manicure.
American Beauty
Wednesday, January 09, 2002 at 14:40:14 (PST)
jjk,
You contradict yourself.
Of course any girl would like to be with someone "cool" rather than a dork. Therefore, cool selfconfident asians are going to be more successful with WF (and other F)than dorky asians.
As a dork who has turned reasonably "cool" over the course of 10+ years of dating. I can tell you my batting average with both WF and AF has increased dramatically. And I don't think too much about race, I have a good mix of friends of all races.
I agree with well travelled asian. European WF are more open minded to dating asians than American WFs. My experience is primarily with British girls, and they aren't hairy. But since I have ended up with an American Beauty (not the one on this discussion board) open minded American WF do exist, just in smaller percentages.
Confident ABC,
"Today's man has to surrender for WF to win"!!!!!!! Poetic, but really... what a load of bull.
Winning over a woman, any woman involves an intricate dance that includes opening up at times but also holding back at times. Surrendering at times but also taking charge at times. Being bold, funny, serious, crazy,... all at the right times.
Tan Man tanman@usa.com
Wednesday, January 09, 2002 at 12:26:36 (PST)
korean guyz are very funny.
They know how to entertain women.
I recommend the young generation.
Young korean guyz are very cute and
open minded.
Who said korean men are not gentle ?
I've lived in korea for three years.
korean men are real gentlemen.
They are better than western guyz.
French chick
Wednesday, January 09, 2002 at 12:23:09 (PST)
ABT,
Hey, I'm glad she called back. Signs are definitely looking better. It is good that you are talking about relationships etc. as they bring you closer. Good luck.
Tan Man
Wednesday, January 09, 2002 at 11:48:25 (PST)
============KOREAN MEN=================
1 Forming Friendships with Korean Men
The number one thing you must be careful of is simply being nice to Korean men. Watch how Korean women behave around Korean men. They act shy, coy, and say no to just about everything. If you are too easy-going with Korean guys, they will fall in love with you. And once they've fallen, it's hard to get them standing on their own feet again which is sometimes tiring when you never thought of them as anything other than a friend.
A Korean female friend of mine once told me that I should never accept an invitation of any kind (even going out for coffee) the first time it's given. She said that I would be perceived as easy prey.
A Korean male friend of mine candidly told me that Korean men relish the chase more than anything else.
This creates a problem of mammoth proportions. If you are a "nice girl" you will be seen as a challenge and let me tell you, Korean men can be relentless in pursuing and wooing their goal. On the other hand, if you go to the movies the first time a guy asks you and you go with him alone, he'll get the wrong idea.
Your best bet is to hang out with a group of friends and not be alone with any one guy unless you are truly serious about him. Be careful about showing or giving too much attention to any one guy. If you are going to flirt, then you'd better flirt with just about guy in your group. Also, watch how you flirt. If you come across as too heavy, you'll scare away the good guys and get stuck with the ones who believe all the Hollywood movies about easy American women.
If one of your favorite guy friends has a girlfriend, you might want to always include her in everything. Korean women can be VERY jealous and you don't want to damage your guy friend's relationship with his girlfriend.
Something else you need to understand is the way many Koreans still approach marriage. They decide what age they want to be when they get married, and when they get near that age, they start hunting in earnest. At this point, it can seem like they'd fall in love with almost anyone--and that's probably true. There are still many marriages based more on convenience than romance. Gypsies are still consulted about the new couple's birth year, month, day, and times to see if it's a good match. People still go to matchmakers to find a mate. This is not to say that marriages based on love don't happen; on the contrary, they do. But, not everything has become modernized.
Here's a personal story to illustrate my point. At a university where I worked, a Korean professor suddenly appeared on the scenes ready and willing to assist with anything, help me in any way he could. My co-worker and I enjoyed hanging out with him simply because he was so friendly, eager for our company, and spoke English so well.
After we had known each other for about a month, he suddenly asked me if I would be his girlfriend. Well, I was willing to give it a shot and stupidly thought of the whole thing from a very Western point-of-view. I thought that we would begin dating or something. You know, take things easy, see how they go, see how we got along.......well, it didn't work that way. About two minutes after announcing his joy that I agreed to be his girlfriend, he told me that his parents knew all about me and his whole family couldn't wait to meet me.
I wanted to throw myself out of the car at that very moment (we were coming back from Baskin Robbins). You see, in Korea, when your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to introduce you to his or her parents, that means that they are wanting to marry you. This was happening WAY~ too fast for me. Later that same day, he was shocked when I said no to sex. Apparently he thought that asking me to be his girlfriend (which my answer apparently meant I'd marry him) paved the way to having sex. Much later, he confessed to be confused...he thought all my signals were pointing towards marriage and when I told him I wouldn't marry him, he said he'd "wait for me". (Not at all what I wanted.)
For the next two weeks, he slowly began to take over my life, making all my decisions for me. Now, maybe I would have liked this protective covering that totally closed me off from the real world if I had loved him, but I didn't. I don't even want to go into the details of what it took to get rid of him. So let this story serve as a warning to you--be careful. They move fast.
2
First, I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who clicked to come here and read a juicy story about a teacher who dated one of her students. He was a university student. I worked in a hagwon. He was never my student.
The night before my flight out of Korea back in August of 1999, an old friend from Ulsan called to confess that he had been in love with me since the first moment he saw me. (This is beginning to sound like a running joke, isn't it?) I had first met him back in the fall of 1997. So, we're talking almost two years of an on-and-off-again friendship in which I thought we were just friends and he had other thoughts entirely. While on the phone, I admitted that I had once harbored somewhat stronger feelings than friendship for him (hey, we were on the phone, I thought I was going back to America for good and would never see him again). He made me promise that if I wasn't married or in a serious relationship when I was 28 years old (Korean age), then I'd come back to Korea and marry him. I agreed. Again, I thought I'd never see him again and there's that little problem I have of saying, "No".
I ended up coming back to Korea in September and getting a job in Seoul. (Remember, he's in Ulsan.) He came up to Seoul to take a test and dropped by my place to talk with me. He wanted to know if I'd be his girlfriend. Well, I'll admit that I still didn't say no, but I DID tell him I wouldn't even think about it considering that he already had a girlfriend. (I'd even met her a couple of times.)
The next day, he went back to Ulsan and broke up with his girlfriend. I still didn't really want to get involved with him, but I felt guilty that he'd broken up with this girlfriend, so when he made me swear to always love him and never leave him, weeeeeellll, I did. I'm a wimp. I know. Since I had gotten myself into this, I decided to make myself fall in love with him. First, I convinced everyone I knew...somehow, I convinced myself in that process.
When I left ECC, I moved to Ulsan to be with him. I met his family. I still love his family. I miss them. They accepted me. His four year old nephew even defended me by attacking his uncle whenever I pretended that he (boyfriend) was hurting me in some way.
Unfortunately, the one thing that I can never compromise on is that I absolutely will not be in a relationship with a smoker. That's one thing I can say no to every time. I knew he was a smoker. But, he swore to me that he was quitting. On Lunar New Year's Day, at this family's house, I caught him smoking. Turns out that he had been lying from the beginning. He tried for a total of ten days and then gave up. I was extremely upset about his dishonesty. I had actually really fallen in love with him by then and was mortified to find that the man I loved was a liar AND a smoker. (I have asthma and cannot ever live with a smoker.) I decided to break up with him.
After telling him that we were through, I had my locks changed so he couldn't come in drunk like he had in the past when we had a fight. So, he first tried to crawl through my bathroom window. When that failed, he hired a locksmith to break into my place WHILE I'm on the other side of the door screaming, "No! No! NO! Keep OUT! NOOOO!" and beating the door with my umbrella to make as much noise as possible. Needless to say, I knew I could absolutely NEVER trust him again and I certainly don't feel too kindly towards my neighbors who did NOTHING during this time to help me.
What have we learned from this story? That Korean men are like Western men in that they sometimes lie and do incredibly stupid and thoughtless things. Just because they love you doesn't mean that they will treat you well.
3 Dating Korean Men
Once they get over their initial shyness, you will find that many Korean men will want to ask you out or just to get to know you better. Foreigners are not THAT common here, so they are all very curious about foreign women, especially western women. Some guys will be genuinely interested in you as a person, some will want a girlfriend to practice English with, and some will view you as a trophy. Since Western guys also have very similar motives in dating, you will probably be able to easily identify which type of guy you are talking to.
Something to consider is that Korean men believe that their girlfriends and wives should not have male friends. None. They want to see you every day. They want to be with you every waking moment that they are not at work or in class. They want to be talking on the phone with you four or more times a day. An ex-boyfriend of mine once illustrated this with a drawing. He drew a big circle and said that was the man. Then he drew a smaller circle completely inside the bigger circle and said that was the man's girlfriend. The Girlfriend of a Korean man is expected to make him the center of her universe. She is to think of him first in all matters. This can be very wearing as he must come before you, your friends, your students, your needs, your wants, your desires.
When a Korean man is in love with you, you will know it. They can't hide it. They will show it in the most surprising ways sometimes. You can probably expect flowers or silly little gifts. He will probably get you a beeper or cell phone just to keep in constant touch with you. He'll take you places, help you shop, be your translator-on-call. He'll be there for you in every way that he can. But there are many issues to deal with when dating Korean men.
For one thing, you have a 99.9% chance of having to accept that the love of your life hasn't told his parents that you exist, or if he has, that he has told them you are his English teacher. Koreans tend not to introduce their boyfriends/girlfriends to their parents unless they are planning to marry. Also, it can be very difficult for Korean parents to accept that their beloved son wants to marry a foreigner and give them grandchildren with foreign blood. (This is a HUGE thing in Korea.) If your boyfriend is the oldest son, or worse yet, the only son, be prepared for many arguments and lots of tears.
You may not be able to call him at his house. You will have to be understanding when he needs to go home every night to his parents. You will probably meet his friends, but on such outings, you may be the only one at the table who doesn't speak Korean. Dating a Korean man is very hard emotionally. Loving one is even harder.
If you fall in love with each other, you have a difficult storm to navigate through. Look at it this way. your boyfriend will eventually have to make a choice between you and his family. Whichever choice he makes is going to tear his heart in half. And do you really want a guy who is easily willing to give up his family? Mightn't he later give you up just as easily? Your boyfriend is in a very difficult situation with a heart-breaking decision to make. Try to be as understanding as possible. Constantly pointing out that YOUR parents have known about HIM for months is not going to help the situation. You are dealing with a difference in culture.
Something else that you will have to consider is: if you get married, where will you live? Can you give up your home? If you cannot see yourself giving up your home and country and leaving your family, then surely you can see how difficult it is to ask him to do that instead. If fact, there are so many issues around this, I could probably create another website devoted to just that.
4 Conclusion
How Koreans Treat Foreigners
In general, Koreans are shy around foreigners. Of course, this is different in a big city like Seoul which has a larger foreign population. In Seoul, you are almost invisible in most parts of the city. Seoulites seem to pride themselves on showing no reaction no matter what kind of weird looking person they run across. They don't even blink. But in a small city like Ulsan, a foreigner will still run into children who scream at the sight of a foreigner. If you are headed to a rural area, you may as well make a big sign that charges admission for viewing the side-show freak because that is what you will be.
There are advantages. Most people are extremely polite to you. However, you may not see this at first. You might instead think that the people around you are very stiff, formal, and reserved. You must remember that the extreme formality that probably makes you uneasy is sometimes also the Korean way of showing respect. Just deal with it. Eventually, you'll come to expect it and start feeling peeved if strangers are less than formal. I get ticked off if a student passes something to me with only one hand.
There are disadvantages which you are more likely to see at night when the drunks start staggering out of the bars. (beginning at about 9:00 pm and ending ???) Some are more interested in adding to the color and texture of the street than in looking at the round-eyes. Others assume you are American and blame you for their country's problems as well as their personal problems. (Americans are better off claiming to be Canadian at night.) Some want to fight...especially if a pale face male dares to have a Korean girlfriend. Others are extremely interested in dating and are not too subtle with what they REALLY mean. Most can easily be outrun. Drunks just do not run fast and often hit stationary (I'm forgetting my English...is it "a" or "e"??) objects like trees and knocking themselves out. Most of the time, at least one in the group is sober enough to block his friend's fist from embracing your face. They still blame foreigners (namely, Americans) for the restrictions placed on their lives since the IMF bailout.
Many times, during the day, I get hostile looks from middle-aged businessmen. The elderly Koreans simply think I'm deaf--otherwise, they're pretty harmless even if the women are a bit too free with where they place their hands on my chest. University students are curious and shy. So are high school students and middle school students. Little children stare the most but in the least offensive way.
When walking in a crowded street, your foreign-ness will tend to clear somewhat of a path for you. Oncoming people usually veer to the left or right on seeing me. This is not to be polite because it's simply too crowded to be polite. This is a shyness to get near a foreigner and maybe accidentally bump into one. Of course, there are the occasional people who will purposely slam into you just to show--well, I'm not sure what their purpose is. If you dress in Korean style and cover all your skin, wear a hat and sunglasses, they won't notice you look different and you'll get jostled about as much as everyone else. But if your blonde or red hair or your pale, pale skin is shining in the sunlight screaming, "Look at me!" then you will probably only be bumped when it's totally unavoidable.
You'll find that in any group of students, there is usually at least one dared into being brave enough to say, "Hi," "Hello," or "How are you?" I've found that the best response is simply a reply with no following questions or further attempts at conversation. In fact, if I pause in my walk or start towards them, they usually either scatter or run away as a group. I've seen grown men collapse into giggles when I attempted to draw them into a conversation. Adults have more confidence as individuals. Students tend to think safety in numbers. Males are more likely to talk to me. Women never do until prompted or forced by their fathers, boyfriends, or husbands.
I don't think Western women need to be especially wary about their safety when coming to Korea. In that respect, I've never been treated with anything but respect. If I'm out late, I'm always at least escorted to a taxi even if I only met the guy once, can't remember his name, and will probably never see him again. Then again, when I kicked the drunk guy, I nearly got slammed.
I also always get asked if I have a husband or a boyfriend. And once I lie and say I'm engaged, married, or have a boyfriend, they show interest in only being my friend. However, if a young, single woman comes to Korea and lets it be known that she is single, she will have many Korean men vying for her attention. From what I've seen and heard, Western men have the same (well, even better) luck with Korean women. The difference is that the Korean women are sizing up the foreigner for marriage potential while the average Korean man is interested in only "playing around."
I HAVE heard horror stories abut female teachers getting raped by their directors. However, I think that in any job you ever have, you have a chance of your boss raping you. Just take precautions and don't do anything stupid. Remember that you are in conservative Korea and act accordingly. Don't get drunk with your boss. Never smoke in his sight. Don't stay out late if he can find out about it. Watch what you wear. Don't flirt with him or with anyone in his presence. If shown the slightest bit of attention, Korean men tend to think you favor them in a way that you never thought of. Watch how Korean women act. Imitate. Coy is okay, suggestive is not. Never be alone in your house/apartment/room with your boss or any other man. Unless he's your father or blood brother, everyone will think you are having sex or something. Don't use foul language. Don't talk about past sexual exploits EVER to ANY Korean unless you are planning to marry him and want to come clean. Basically, think 1930s and be a lady. You will be treated accordingly. See the women's section for more information.
Jenny
Wednesday, January 09, 2002 at 11:29:16 (PST)
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