Identity of Asian Adoptees | Asian American Poll

IDENTITY OF ASIAN ADOPTEES
(Updated Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:26:05 PM to reflect the 100 most recent valid responses.)

Assuming you are Asian American, which best describes your feeling toward Asians who grew up in adoptive white families?
I can relate with them as I do with other AA. | 27%
They put me off by seeming more white than Asian. | 22%
I make an effort to be understanding of their situation. | 19%
I am unsure how to relate to them. | 32%

Assuming you are an Asian adoptee raised by a white family, which best describes your own feelings?
I feel perfectly comfortable around Asians. | 18%
I make an effort to fit in with Asians so I can reclaim my proper identity. | 38%
I have all but given up trying to fit in with Asians. | 27%
I am comfortable around Whites and see no reason to be with Asians. | 18%

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WHAT YOU SAY

[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]

I am an Asian adoptee, an recently went through what I called an "Asian Crises". Last year I recently got to go back to Thailand, where I was born. That was a doubledge sword, because I finally got to see where I came from, but at the same time was confronted with how I could never fit it. Yes I looked like everyone, but I couldn't speak Thai nor know every little cultural curtesy. Then I went to Collge in New England, it's actually an all womens college, I guess I added that to show I'm rather liberal and progressive especially concerning race issues. Well I dated my first serious boyfriend, but more influencial he was Asian. Torn by the American and Asian culture he claimed, yet all his friends were asian, and he turned out to want rather a traditional Asian relationships. He took advantage of the fact that I was insecure about my asian identity, knowing that I wasn't asian enough or a so called Banana. I wanted so badly to understand how to be "Asian".
I am known to everyone as being confident, outspoken, intelligent, thoughful, and outgoing. So this overwhelming insecurity just about tore me apart. Needless to say the relationship withstood about six months. Due to a combination of factors, but left me conflicting feelings about my identity. I didn't even realize that I was considered very attractive in "Asian standards", although that shouldn't be precedent in defining someone. Growing up in a homogenous white town, and I mean small we're talking 1000 people, I grew up harbing thoughts that I must be ugly or something, I dislike being Asian no guys pay attention to me etc.. It wasn't until high school that I realized that was not really as big an issue as I thought, it was just the ignorant town I had grown up in, whose only experience with asians were at the one Chinese restauraunt.
As I delved into this Asian identity crises, I began to see how economic stereotypes were cast upon the different Asian nationalities, and I found out that me being Thai was not even important enough to rank. Being adopted you grow up missing something. You may not feel it if you are never faced with what it is your missing, but for me it was understanding the Asian part of me. I know that I cannot be accepted as an equal by either cultures completely, and that is what is difficult, because when your all grown up and ready to be on your own, you realize that you have always been out there on your own. Personally I am a analytical, inquisitive, and forever trying to understand whatever issue that is currently nagging at me, and my identity overides everything else.
I have come to some conclusion, that it is important to be conscious and aware of your position in this culturally diverse nation, but not to let the awareness doubt yourself. Respect the race aspect, but don't neglect yourself in the process. As an individual aside from race, I have many friends, am intelligent, independent, and happy with my over-all self, so I've decided not to care so much about how to make myself more acceptable to whatever culture. This is who I am, I like it and if it bothers you because of the antiquated social stereotypes projected upon the different cultures in society, than I pity you for closing yourself off to the "other" and different aspects life has to offer.
I am currently on my own, completely separated from adoptive parents. We had some, umm, problems, stemming from my adoption, which they are in complete denial of. I'm only twenty years old taking time off from school and trying to put my life together; working saving, and planning to finance the rest of my education and life on my own. I have too much integrity to BS myself or deal with my family's BS anymore, so I 've taken controll of my own life. I've never lived my life in accordance with the status quo, and that quality about myself is enabling the adoptive identity issue to stop me from feeling inadequate, cause by who's standards? No one else's cultural expectations should matter, unless you allow them to so there's a soundbite of my life as an adoptee.

Adoptee, Lily Saitip@yours.com Wednesday, October 24, 2001 at 23:06:19 (PDT)

It is a very complex topic for adoptees.
I would suggest a choice for finding a balance between Asians and whites.
Korean-American adoptee raised by a white family Sunday, October 21, 2001 at 18:08:46 (PDT)

I'm an Asian European. My mother is Danish and my father is an American. I've grown up in both places but have moved home to Denmark and am staying here because I feel this is my true home.

Both my Danish and my American family are white, all my friends here in Denmark are white and I've almost lost contact to all of my Asian friends in the U.S. because they mistakenly think that I want to be white, my husband is white (I chose him because of who he is and not what he is), and my two sons are often mistaken for being white. So whether I like it or not-and I actually don't- I've developed a white identity.

When I look in the mirror I'm actually surprised to see an Asian woman and I honestly don't know how to feel about the woman I see. I actually expect to see a white woman with rosy skin, blond hair and blue eyes. Not because that's I want to look like that at all but because here in Denmark most women have blond hair and blue eyes.

Even my Asian friends in the U.S. were South Asians so I never really had any...what should we say? Mongolid Asians to compare myself to and therefore I have no idea whether I'm ugly, average, or beautiful. It's a very strange feeling.

I have to admit that my family's feeling about Asians and non whites haven't helped me to become a proud Asian either. They've always made it clear that it was probably a mistake to adopt me. I was never allowed to call my parents mom and dad but was told to call them by first name. The family has said things like "you're not really like them (other Asians), so you don't have to mix with them". They went hysterical whenever I was with non white friends or boyfriends and they nearly threw me out in the cold when I tried to discover the Asian in me.

I was actually disappointed when I fell in love with my husband. I thought, now they're going to have their way. Oh, aren't they just going to be thrilled that I'm marrying a white man and to make it all worse for me (better for them) he has blond hair and blue eyes like most Danes.

It doesn't help the situation that my husband has said that he always imagined that his wife and children would be fair and have blond hair. I get so hurt when people say "you're sons could be mistaken for white, you can't even tell that they're half Asian". Said in a tone of relief or pride.

I know it's a lenghty message but I hope that after having read it the reader understands why I'm not exactly a proud Asian and that it's easier for me to try to blend into the white community and culture that I live in because this is the only place I feel at home. I am Danish; I'm Danish-Asian.
Danish-Asian krogshede@adslhome.dk Friday, October 19, 2001 at 11:05:17 (PDT)

this is a good topic and coincident with my interest topic that i'd like to be my thesis . i 'm thai living in thailand and studing in developmental psychology and looking for topic about thai adoptee in USA . anyway i just began to collect data about the thai adoptees.
if you have any to recommend please tell me .
piyarat ruangsang kukmai@yahoo.com Tuesday, October 09, 2001 at 17:29:08 (PDT)

I am an adopted vietnamese from california. Growing up in a 'white' family has made no difference in my life. while they are my family, i have always gravitated towards the asian american community despite this upbringing. In no way am i 'white washed' rather i am the exact opposite. All my friends are asian and i don't have any 'white' friends that i can think of...
i have never even considered dating someone who isn't asian. I never have dated anyone who wasn't asian. it just hasn't been an option.
being adopted will always be a part of who i am, but it doesn't define how i live my life.

KH, 1975

To the Korean-AM, 27...

So, what kind of conclusions have you come to now that you've realized that the world isn't really colorblind? What race of people do you mostly socialize with, and who do you prefer to date? I won't judge you for your personal choices in life... I'm just curious. Your story is a very facinating one. Take Care
Curious Korean-American Dude in LA

I have found being adopted a difficult thing to accept. I went through life with my adopted family wanting me to be a 'normal' daughter and we'd all go on like a typical family. The thought of seeing this relationship as colorblindness and a selfless act (saving a poor child from a poor envirnment) was encouraged, even Christianly. That has made it even more diifficult with my personal walk with God....I struggle with establishing a sense of self and being proud of who I am. Growing up in a 'colorblind' white family hasn't helped. 'Colorblindness' was once thought to be a good thing, but I'll counter that and say that it isn't. It's foolish and harmful. It's a lie. Because differences do matter and ignoring them is more than a lack of respect, it's rejecting reality. I wish all adoptees the best while on your life's journey.
Korean-Am. 27

To Japanese/American in AZ

I'm glad your adopted family provided you with the knowledge of your mixed heritage. No wonder you gave them a lot of credit. Also, that sentiment you gave your adopted mother was lovely. May you find your birth mother and may all your questions be finally answered. Best of luck!
happy pinay

i am a 26 year old south east asian immigrant female, adopted ny american parents without a reality behind the probably false papers i arrived with. i've since given up, i don't have a real birthday, birthplace or sense of belonging...the closer i get, another hypothesis comes along. i find myself feeling close to my parents, but i still look inward...i am a loving person but i feel like a turtle without a shell, a sense of belonging that will shield me.
Maybe Thai wasana@asianavenue.com

I'm a Japanese/Caucasian mix adopted by a Filipino family. My parents never gave me any time to question my heritage beacause they were always there to "emerge" me into it. I learned everything I could from my parents about my birth heritage and my adopted heritage. I got the best of both worlds. I now have a family, three boys who span the color spectrum of my genes. My oldest has dark brown hair, olive skin and blue-gray eyes, the middle son has ash blonde hair, fair caucasian skin and the bluest eyes you've ever seen, then there is my baby (2 1/2yrs) with light brown hair, light olive skin and his eyes are like mine dark green/amber. The only thing I'd really like to know is what my birth father looked like. I think I take after him. But how to search for him when I cannot even find my birth mother. Born in Japan in 1959 wasn't exactly a time when these things were easily done. The info is hard to locate but I'll keep trying. My adopted mom is wnderful and has always encouraged me to seek my birth mother. My mother's love has helped to become the person I am and the reason behind finding my birth mother is to find out how I came to be through genetics. I am happy with who I am.
Japanese/American in AZ

Korean-Am, 20
I'm happy to hear that your Korean hapa classmate is exploring her Asian heritage. Cool stuff, man.
You had some really good points in your posts, too.
:D
Jay... just another hapa

As an Asian American adoptee, I grew up trying to "assimilate" to the "white" culture with my Caucasian family. For example, I observed my Caucasian dad handling other Caucasians in the street, at the grocery store, etc. in a certain manner and I'd try to imitate that style, and was disconcerted to discover that the other person read my Dad as a white male talking to the them and, especially when alone without the company of my Caucasian family, read me as an Asian (i.e., an enemy, a non-native speaking idiot, etc.--although, I am a fluent speaker of English and, culturally, non-Asian). I, therefore, found that my Dad was met with respect and courteous behavior by the other person, even when he expressed anger, but I was often met with "hostility" (I use this term to cover the full range of racialized antagonism or anxiety extended towards Asians by the bulk of Caucasians in America), even though I used the same facial expressions, the same body language, and the same style of verbal communcication as my father. After years of struggling with this issue as a child, a teenager, and a young adult, in a race-conscious, xenophobic America, I have come to realize that it is my responsibility--just like all Asian American adoptees, American-born Asian Americans, and others--to learn how to see myself, how to see others, and how to handle myself and others in a way that reflects being an Asian American culturally rather than Caucasian American, Asian (i.e., culturally), African American, Hispanic, etc. If you are an Asian American adoptee, I know that you all know--at some level--just what I mean. Learn to draw strength and a sense of meaningful identity through the Asian cultures, the Asian American culture, and even the dominant culture

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