Brotherly Advice for Asian American Women

Hey, Asian women, I love you. But I gotta tell ya — Your nutty insecurities make you do things that are highly embarrassing not only for yourselves but for the entire race. So here’s a bit of perspective from a guy who has had enough personal contact with Asian women to know all about it, and who has several good reasons to care.

Be Proud of Your Eyes

The most baffling psychological aberration known to the human race is the Asian female conviction that their eyes are too small. Hence many Asian girls walk around with the expressions of stuffed bunnies, use scotch tape in unnatural ways, slather too much gunk around their eyes, even filet fat off their eyelids to make them fold like crepes. Oi vey! Where to start?

First off, eyes aren’t gemstones. They aren’t appraised by carat-weight but by how well they complement the rest of your face. The way a pair of eyes looks is determined by the size of the eyeballs, the size and color of the irises, the bones of the brows, cheeks and nose, the shape of the eyesocket. In other words, Asian eyes are the product of Asian facial structures. Anything that distorts the skin around the eyes will tend to make the eyes look odd and out of place. As in deformity. As in scary.

Secondly, there’s zero correlation between a woman’s attractiveness and the apparent size of her eyes. Sure, Jane Fonda, Goldie Hawn and Claudia Schiffer have biggish eyes. Ellen Barkin, Sharon Stone, Kate Moss and Laetitia Casta have average or small ones, not any bigger than those of most Asian women. The only dimension that does correlate consistently with universal notions of attractiveness is the width of the space between the eyes. Wideset eyes are generally appealing while closely set eyes are less so. In this regard the average Asian woman has a distinct advantage over her white sisters though, of course, there are many white women with wideset eyes and many Asian women with narrow-set eyes. The bottom line here is that — thank god — you can’t do anything to move your eyeballs apart!

This may come as a shock to you, but a woman gets no points for holding her eyes open in an alarmed or startled stare while she probably does get points for eyes narrowed in relaxation, skepticisim, humor or seduction. Back in the dark ages some whacky, possibly drunken, white guy decided to label Asians as having “almond eyes” while Whites are “roundeyes”. In reality, only disfigured or deformed people have eyes that are remotely round in shape. The eyes of most people, regardless of race, are almond shaped though the shadow of the eyesocket, combined with makeup, can enlarge the apparent space occupied by the eyes.

Most importantly, there’s the issue of pride in oneself. I wouldn’t even want to imagine the kind of man who would find a woman more appealing because she is patently ashamed of her natural features. That’s the sorry signal you send, Asian women, when you try so desperately to make your eyes look rounder. Is that really what you want to say about yourself and about your perception of your race?

Of course there are distinctive differences between the cut and angle of the eyes of Asians and whites. Personally, I like Asian eyes on Asian women and caucasian eyes on caucasian women. Asian women who somehow manage to mimic the eyes of white women put me in mind of the whole Frankenstein thing.

That’s not to say I am against all forms of eye makeup. Skillful makeup can create the illusion of having temporarily transcended the less-than-ideal proportions and uneven skintones of the average face while enhancing a woman’s air of sensuality, vitality, mystery and glamour — as may befit the occasion. But it’s important to keep in mind that the art of makeup has been cultivated for many centuries in both Asian and western cultures and isn’t, as too many Asian women seem to suppose, a tool for trying to mimic western features.

Lose the Long Hair

Far too many Asian women wear their hair long. Are they so short of confidence in their living tissue that they want to divert attention to their dead tissue? It’s tacky, pathetic, impractical, unsanitary, even dangerous. Sure, there are guys who claim to like long hair but in my experience guys like that are too fixated on outdated notions of femininity to appreciate a woman’s unique qualities. And if a long-hair fetishist happens to be white, he is likely to cherish notions of Asian women as exotics, with all the unhappy stereotypical baggage attached thereto.

Me? I love women with bobbed or even cropped hair. Short hair is sleek, confident, aesthetic, calling attention to the exquisite, sexy lines of a woman’s neck and shoulders. I do draw the line at buzzcuts, Mohawks and shaved heads, however. Those kinds of dos are too obviously meant to make some kind of a statement. Probably not a statement I need to hear.

Go on a Low-Fad Diet and Lose the Hip

We Asian Americans are sometimes seen by the most cretinous of our fellow countrymen as out-of-it newcomers. It’s annoying, sure, especially when we know they’re judging us by spurious standards we choose to disregard. But what’s even more annoying are the Asian Americans forever up on their tippy-toes trying to show how hip they are to every fad that hits the streets or the airwaves. Worse yet, if they see a fellow Asian American on a low-fad-diet, they join in denouncing him as being “out of it”. To an Asian American Fad Nazi, a carefully cultivated ignorance of the names of the current crop of TV talents appears as a shameful of betrayal of some sacred duty to be “American”.

Yup, in the terminal hip department Asian American women take the cake. They are caught up in the relentless pursuit of a level of hip that no one who leads a normally productive life can — or would want to — keep up. Their utter enslavement to the tyranny of fads is all the more damaging because they are as passionate about staying ignorant of the truly important developments as they are about absorbing every trivial fad.

Do yourselves a huge favor and remember that these media-hyped fads and personalities will be forgotten in a few short years. On the other hand, the truly significant social, cultural, technological and economic changes you so blithely scorn will, in the same span of time, produce permanent changes that could make you utterly irrelevant. As in out of it. The internet is an example of a trend that caught the ditzes completely unaware. Many find themselves looking to get hired by those low-fad geeks they once shunned for wearing the wrong shirts or not knowing the names of some sitcom actor.

See with Your Own Eyes

This is closely related to the immediately preceding piece of advice. Hell bent on keeping up with every fad that comes out of their TV sets and magazines, too many Asian American women seem to lose the ability to see with their own eyes, form their own judgments. Notably as it relates to Asian American men. Tipped off by the white-controlled media that — wink, wink — Asian men are losers, many Asian American women assume that their salvation lies in blindly following the petty dictates of the media gods.

True, the sickness of blindly enslaving themselves to the whims of that garish and heartless tyrant, the Amerian media, afflicts mainly the less educated segment of the Asian American female population. But there are enough of them to make Whites suspect all Asian Americans of being wannabes. As in imitation Whites. As in second class.

The cure for this peculiar media-drunk blindness is to stare squarely in the mirror for as long as it takes to see the madness of trying to will away one’s own self. Unfortunately, many of the blind go through their formative years without ever having done this. Some come to their senses when they give birth and eventually recognize themselves in the pained confusion of their kids’ eyes. But of course by then it’s practically too late, not only for them — and sadly, for their kids — but also for their unfortunate spouses who secretly thought they were getting a bargain in marrying a truly self-less woman. But, as many white spouses discover to their dismay, a personality in nuclear decay throws off radioactive fallout that burns everyone in its immediate vicinity.

Does that sound kooky to some of you? You’re exactly the ones I’m writing this for. All I’m saying is, you have those eyes for a reason. Learn to love them. Learn to use them.