ASIAN AMERICAN ADVICE NETWORK

Random WM's Brotherly Advice to Asian Men

efore I begin, I do realize that it may seem a bit presumptuous of a Euro-American like myself to be giving advice to Asian Males. However, at the same time I know that it would be foolishness of me to say "because I'm a White guy there is nothing I can learn from a non-White." If I'd had that attitude, I would have missed out on great wisdom from the likes of Sun Tzu, Lao Tzu, King Solomon, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce tribe, Mahatma Gandhi and so forth. In fact, Dr. King considered Gandhi to be one of his sources of knowledge in Civil Disobedience, and Gandhi considered Henry David Thoreau to be one of his inspirations as well. A virtual thread from an African American, to a South Asian, to an Euro-American across time as it were.

In the book of Proverbs, it says that the fellowship of the brethren is like iron sharpening iron. That is what this column is about--one man learning from another and vice versa. As you read this, you may say "I don't do those things he says are mistakes or disconnects Asian males make/do." Those are not blanket statements being narrowly pushed with the word "all." I will use the terms "many," "some" and "typical," with the understanding that this doesn't mean everyone. That being said, let's get on with this.

1. The "Typical Asian American Male."

No, I'm not going to spew out a bunch of "Joy Luck Club" stereotypes here. But, based upon many of my AM friends, which includes some of the regulars I know here in GoldSea, here are some attributes which make up many typical AA males. Many typical AA males are:

Intelligent
Hardworking
Clean
Obedient
Reserved
Stoic
Focused
Careful
Wise
Family-Oriented
Loyal
Passionate about what they believe but not always expressive of it

Many of these traits can be either positive or negative depending upon the extremes they are carried to as well as on the individual man himself. Some of these traits are cultural, while some of them are learned here. Whatever is the case, Asian American Males need to learn how to accentuate the positives of these traits and yet overcome some of the negatives of these traits as well. This is not meant to be an all-inclusive list by any means--it's just a general starting point.

2. Step out of the box others put you into as well as the box you put yourself into.

Asian American men have it a bit harder than White, African American and Hispanic men in that the American media doesn't provide enough positive role model type characters in entertainment, especially TV shows and movies. Non-Asian American men can point to at least one good role model character for every bad one coming from their ethnic groups. The impact of the media on Asian American male image has been and will continue to be discussed at GoldSea until the media has a more consistent mix of character types that are realistically representative of Asian American men.

We know full well that this impact gives a lot of non-Asians misconceptions about Asian American men, and can hamper their normal functioning in society. This means that ignorant non-Asians will see Asian American male stoic behavior as wimpy, family-oriented behaviors as being "mama's boys," etc. In handling these situations, what needs to be done is for you to step out of the box these ignorant individuals would put you in and take action.

For example, you are a man of few words and someone walks past your cube and calls you a wimp. Rather than just blow it off or blowing up and jumping their @$$, you should stand up to your full height, walk over to them, look them straight in the eyes and say quietly yet firmly: "Oh really? And what makes you think that?" Seven words, delivered with eye contact and a firm, male voice will usually make them back off. You didn’t come to blows and you asserted yourself. You still kept your character, but you stepped out at the same time.

A worse trap that people who are stereotyped fall into is behaving to please those who stereotype us. People behave in ways that reflect their character and that reflect how they are treated. People act like you're a joker, and sure enough, you feel compelled to always spout jokes. People treat you like an angry confrontationalist, and you angrily confront everyone. Be aware of this and DON'T behave in such a way as to meet those expectations. Those people deserve to be disappointed. It's bad enough if others put you into a box with stereotypes. DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF! THIS IS MUCH WORSE!

Other ways to step out of the box include taking time to learn things that are unrelated to your major in college. For example, you may be a premed major going nuts with work on Organic Chemistry and such, however why not for an elective one semester, take a course in Art or Music appreciation. Or say you've graduated and are now working in Information Technology. Then now would be a good time to check out some adult extracurricular learning classes available in the evenings at local colleges and universities. Courses are offered on a plethora of interests from novel writing, to wine tasting, to languages such as French and Italian. Doing these things which are unrelated to our main education and/or work help broaden our horizons and make us more well rounded as individuals. A lean Asian American man who works in IT by day but knows the difference between port and sherry and what foods go with them would find himself quite sought after by women of any background. In fact, many of those electives and adult learning classes are good places to meet women.

In any event, most Asian men have a lot more to them than just medicine, computers or finance. Learning about things which go beyond the scope of your career gives you more character, substance and depth, which is something anyone can appreciate.

3. Confidence attracts--Arrogance repels

Some of the biggest mistakes men make in general, and I have seen many Asian men whom I consider friends make these mistakes, have to do with confidence issues. Some men will approach a woman, a job, a boss, etc. with no self-confidence at all. They think they are looking like nice guys by doing this, but in fact they are setting themselves up to be doormats, taken advantage of, screwed over and ripped off.

Others will approach them with a head so swelled with arrogance that they come across as self-centered, egotistical, know-it-alls who think that everyone on earth is a damned fool but themselves. They think their arrogance impresses people, when it actually costs them on many fronts. On the job front, acting like you know more than your boss will block your chances of being promoted and can get you fired, even if you do know more than your boss does. On the relationship front, arrogance turns off most decent women big-time. The only women impressed by arrogance are those with poor self-esteem or who lack the intelligence to discern between confidence and arrogance.

Confidence states what it knows without having an air of superiority over others. Confidence gives you the impetus to take actions as and where necessary. Confidence doesn't need to brag or prove itself to anyone because confidence stands as itself.

Arrogance states what it knows and then some, bashing others and making them feel inferior in the process. Arrogance leads to unnecessary actions, some of which are vindictive, hurtful and spiteful. Arrogance brags incessantly about itself and has no concern for others.

For example, it is a sign of confidence when you tell your boss "I have already finished the interest adjustment project 3 days ahead of schedule." It is a sign of arrogance if you were to tell you boss "I finished that chicken project of yours already--don't you have anything better for me to spend my time on?" It is a sign of confidence to stand up straight, approach a woman and say "Hi there. My name is Kevin. What's yours?" It is a sign of arrogance to jocularly approach a woman and say, "Hey, I'm Kevin. You must be tired because you've been running around in my head for that last hour while I've been looking at you!"

4. Choose Your Battles Carefully

We live in a society nowadays that wants to pass off responsibility to others and place blame on others. Lawsuits involving whiners who complain about how life stinks but do nothing to make their own lives better abound and clog up our civil courts system. (Note: This is not meant to discount legitimate complaints of harassment, discrimination or anything else to that effect.) The problem has become so prevalent, we have court shows ranging from Judge Judy to the Judge of the Month where people will air out their whiny complaints for the viewing masses, who gobble it up.

On a recent afternoon while I waited for my car to be serviced, the TV in the waiting area had Judges Judy, Mills Lane, and Hatchett followed by Moral Court on the entire time. I saw people of all ethnic backgrounds taking potshots at each other in Jerry Springer guest fashion over complaints involving the sale of faulty diving equipment, a little league sports trip, a Playstation game console that was broken while on loan and lousy repair work for a bicycle. In each case, a lot of fingers were being pointed and a lot of blame was being placed. The person who screwed up was trying to avoid responsibility. The person who was being cheated was demanding excessive money instead of fair restitution. If these people had had any sense of responsibility, they would have been able to settle the matter like reasonable adults.

In this world, you can't force anyone to think or behave a certain way, however your actions and your behavior can influence people in either a positive or negative way. Since you do have control over your own actions and behavior, you need to decide to handle things responsibly and fairly, despite what others do. I'm not talking about letting people walk all over you, but I am talking about handling these situations by taking the moral high ground.

If you feel you've been treated unfairly at a business, determine if it's worth your time to pursue a formal complaint and to what level it should be taken. If you feel it is worth your time, by all means complain to someone higher up and keep on going higher up until you can get satisfaction. State clearly and firmly what happened and why it was unfair, but do so in a professional manner--no cussing, yelling at the top of your lungs, screaming, and using epithets. If you are unable to get satisfaction after escalating it as far as possible, make a report to the Better Business Bureau if it's a small amount of money involved or secure a Lawyer to pursue a claim if it's a large amount of money involved.

If it's an issue involving the behavior of another person, consider the source, the intent, and the degree of malice involved and act accordingly. A twelve-year-old kid spouting a racial epithet probably deserves a good whack on the head, but from his parents and not you. Giving him the finger and going on your way is the most it should entail. If it is a kid in your neighborhood, give his parents or guardian a call if you know them.

A coworker using a racial epithet within earshot is another ball of wax. Federal, State and Local laws ban such behaviors at work, but that doesn't necessarily stop it from happening. Allowing it to happen without a response will probably mean it will continue. At the same time, an emotional response that is not well thought out (i.e. meeting him in the parking lot after work to kick his butt) can backfire on you. It is always best to document the incident with your supervisor and the offending individual's supervisor as well. This may be a bit extreme, however in the workplace environment, corporations are scared of discrimination lawsuits and will be swift to act on such complaints. Most people who work in a professional environment don't like this kind of behavior either. Plus, documenting the incident and reporting it shows that you will not just quietly lie down when this kind of behavior happens, but rather that you will take swift, clear and decisive action.

In any case, Sun Tzu once said "Choose your battles carefully" and that proverb rings true here in cases like the above. There is a time to fight, and there's a time to talk. Someone cutting ahead of you in line deserves a "Hey buddy! Get back to your place in line!" Someone who cuts you off on the road deserves a finger under the dashboard. A boss who openly uses racial slurs deserves a class action lawsuit in the millions of dollars. No matter what else goes down, keep your cool and make every reasonable attempt to resolve the matter with words first, weapons (i.e. attorneys, fists) last.

5. Griping accomplishes nothing. Action gets results.

My wife's brother in law, Bill, has very strong character. Of course, he backs it up in being 5'8" tall, weighing 250 lbs and being built like a Defensive Tackle. In any event, he was reading some AA websites one day and noticed a lot of Asian American guys complaining about being given "no play" with women. He shrugged a little bit at it and told me that he'd seen many AA guys like that in Houston, at University of Maryland and even at his church. The one thing that all those guys had in common was the fact that they spent more time griping about not being able to hook up with a woman, than taking any action that would do anything about it. Bill had no sympathy for him.

"It's bad enough that the media wants to portray Asian men as wimpy whiners, but it's worse when Asian men only bitch about it and do nothing to prove the media wrong." Bill said as he sipped his beer.

I thought about what he said, and remembered hearing a number of White guys griping about all the breaks different minorities received in order to get ahead and how they were "displaced and disenfranchised" as a result of it. Every one of those guys came from an upper-middle class background, but they really weren't what I'd call "hardworking men." Rather than work hard, climb their way up, take more classes in university and do things to make themselves more competitive with non-White men, they spent more time bitching and making excuses, and were getting nowhere fast as a result.

Every Asian man (and non-Asian man for that matter) I've known who had no trouble getting dates with attractive women of any ethnic group all had one thing in common: they all had the guts to approach a woman, talk to her and ask her out. The old adage "faint heart never won fair lady" is quite true even in the 21st century. Staring at a woman from a distance for long periods of time without approaching her or approaching her way late usually results in your being perceived as "weird" or "wimpy." Smiling, making eye contact and approaching may set you up for rejection, but it may also set you up for a wonderful experience in getting to know a woman as well. You can't even hope to get a hit unless you grab a bat, step up to the plate and swing at the ball. You may strike out, you may get to first base or you may even hit a home run. However, if all you do is warm the bench, you're never going to get to play. It's that simple.

Bill dated Asian, White, Black and Hispanic women. A lot of women have found Bill irresistible because of his jovial nature, his confidence and his intelligence. They were able to know this because of the fact that he would make eye contact, smile and approach them with confidence. Bill had his fair share of strikeouts, as well a few pop flies, base hits and home runs. However, his grand slam homerun was in marrying my sister-in-law Jing.

My dating life prior to being married was the same way. I struck out sometimes, and scored home runs other times. However, in all those years I was single, I was always able to meet attractive women and get dates because of the fact that I wasn't shy about approaching them, introducing myself, getting them to talk about themselves and asking for their home phone numbers. Bill pretty much did the same thing. It sounds simple enough. However, some Asian American men don’t do these things, at times for the silliest of reasons.

Some of the excuses that have been thrown about:

 She only dates White guys.

I would think that if any Asian American woman were to say this, she wouldn't be worth any guy's time at all. However, some of these women will give an Asian guy a chance if he shows some heart and some guts. My best friend's other brother, Phillip Huang, met a long-term girlfriend at a college bar. He approached her with confidence, introduced himself and she then said, "I only date White guys." Not to be outdone, Phillip then said "White like this?" and pointed to his bleached shirt, "Or, White like this?" He then asked the white girl sitting next to his target if she had some foundation makeup, she handed it to him and he smeared a little on his check. His target and her friend started laughing pretty hard and then invited him to sit with them.

After a lengthy conversation, Phillip found out his target had been in a really rotten relationship with an Asian Guy her Dad hat set her up with (friend of the family) and it had turned her off. However, Phillip's confidence and the fact that he didn’t give up so easily got her attention and helped her realize that one rotten apple doesn't spoil the whole barrel. Another way to look at it is this: if the door's closed, try the window!

 I'm too shy.

One of the supposedly shyest men in the world is a geeky Minnesota radio host from NPR by the name of Garrison Keillor. While Mr. Keillor isn't an Adonis by any means, he has received fan letters and proposals from women all over the world. His soft demeanor belies a certain inner strength that many women can't get enough of. How did this shy man manage to get into that position today?

A lot of it came from the fact that, although he is shy, he still will speak up, albeit softly. Even though he is fearful, he used that shyness to his advantage via the written and the spoken word. Everyone has their niche--whether it be storytelling on the radio like Garrison Keillor, building cars, websites or whatever. What shy guys really should do is take something they like and use that as an inroad into meeting a woman, via speaking up about what you like and drawing on her interest in it as well.

 My parents will hate it if I date a non-Asian or someone not of my national ancestry.

This is a toughie compared to the first two. Many Asian American men, while preferring to date and marry Asian women, would like to date White, Black and Hispanic women, but don't take any initiative to meet them. The above excuse, while gripping, is not necessarily impossible to overcome either. This involves stepping out of the mold your parents have made for you, stretching out you arms and taking a flying leap into infinity. Scary, but yet still exciting.

One of the big misunderstandings a lot of Asians seem to have is the notion that disagreeing with your parents is the same thing as disrespecting them. Hogwash! Your parents have their experiences and history, and you have yours. Your worldviews may be as far apart as Asia is from North America, or only as far apart as you sit across the dinner table. Nevertheless, it is possible to respectfully disagree with them. This means that, while you honor them and are grateful for all they've done for you, you recognize that you have to live your life for yourself, not for them. This means that, while you totally disagree with them, you still show them love, as a son should. This means that, while they may not like the fact that you're dating a white girl, you will still help them cut the grass on the weekend and drive your grandmother to church.

I realize that this may lead to some strained relationships for a time. However, if you keep on loving your parents and showing them respect while you are loving your woman, hopefully your respectful behavior will bring them around to acceptance of your girlfriend. If that doesn't work, often times the gurgling noises of a mixed grandchild are enough to change their tunes real fast.

The Crux of this whole section is that if you take action and keep on taking action, you will ultimately succeed. If you try only once and gripe for years afterwards, you are already a failure. To quote Yoda from the Star Wars saga "There is no try. There is either do or not do. There is nothing else." Or to quote the Nike tagline "Just Do IT!"

In closing, I feel that men of all ethnicities have certain personal and cultural strengths. I feel we would all do well to learn from eachother in order to be better men in the one and only human race.

Random WM
   Wednesday, March 13, 2002 at 08:04:03 (PST)

YOUR COMMENTS

Mr. Random WM
Hello From a black woman.you took a great deal of space to express how narrow minded you are. black & latino men have it better? tv makes them look like clowns or thugs.all of the issues that you bring up are just typical of "some"wm. just because you have a few am friends gives you no right to make such statements>ever wonder why everyone else is considered less than.please get a clue.oh by the way how many men have you step to lately? your advice could get someone a nyc beat down.step back my human brother and check your self before you wreck yourself.peace
Claylo BF
   Wednesday, August 07, 2002 at 02:53:44 (PDT)
Although, the attempt at a positive article from a Random WM is appreciated, I have to say, through no fault of your own, it is erroneous. You cannot steroetype Asians. There is as much diversity in Asian perosnailties and traits as there is in any group. There are smart Asians and there are dumb Asians. There are extroverted ones, and there are introverted ones. One cannot ignore environment.

Even the most extraverted guy cannot function for long when he is isolated.
Asians can do more to help themselves, but real changes in the media and workplace must be made. This therefore, cannot be an indvidual effort. This will require unity among Asian Americans and help from white people who understand and sympathize.
marbles
   Wednesday, July 10, 2002 at 14:01:48 (PDT)

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