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ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
AA ATTITUDES TOWARD EXTRAMARITAL FLINGS
(Updated
Wednesday, Jan 22, 2025, 06:38:56 AM)
bought 50% of American marriages end in divorce. An Asian American couple is only half as likely to suffer that fate. Theories abound to explain this marked difference. Asians are simply more committed to keeping the family together at all cost, goes the prevailing theory.
Others point to the fact that cheating plays a key role in the majority of American divorces and attribute the durability of AA unions to differing attitudes toward extramarital liaisons. Asian men may be less likely to cheat, say some. Asian women are less likely to see their mate's sexual fidelity as the litmus test for staying together, others argue, because they don't consider the sexual bond to be at the center of the relationship and aren't as threatened by a fling. After all, in traditional Asian societies affluent men sometimes had multiple wives and/or concubines. Even in modern Asian societies male executives are often expected to cavort with paid hostesses as part of routine business entertaining.
Younger Asian Americans would probably deny they harbor such sexist notions. The only difference between themselves and other American couples, they might argue, is that they typically marry later, avoiding the tribulations of impulsive youthful marriages. Otherwise, they harbor all the same gender-neutral expectations of romantic love and fidelity.
What attitudes do Asian Americans have toward extramarital flings? What role do they play in the durability of Asian marriages?
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
I cheated on my Taiwanese American (Now ex-) boyfriend because he kept on FARTING in bed, in the living room, while watching TV, while walking and so forth. These were SBDs (silent but deadly), LADs (Loud and Deadly) and one that was so powerful, it blew the sheets off of the bed over his ass while he was sleeping!
I almost dumped him when he farted while I was going down on him! YUCK! It burned my eyes and nose. I would buy him charcoal tablets, chlorophyll, Gas-X, Di-gel, etc., but he wouldn't take them because he said he enjoyed the process! He and his dad would even engage in farting contests in front of his sister and mom when we'd be at his house! I was so freaking EMBARASSED!!!
Needless to say, as this guy became more and more loose about his gas, I became less and less attracted to him. The only time he would ever behave was in front of my family, who thought he was a wonderful, upstanding, professional Asian American man and wouldn't believe me when I told them about his gas!!! I couldn't take it anymore--he'd fart when we kissed, he'd fart when we'd have sex. I totally lost my sex drive or desire for him, but didn't break up with him because my parents loved him.
A White guy whom I was working with began going to lunch with me and we'd talk and laugh and have a good time without him ever farting, mentioning farting or joking about it. I began to meet him to jog at the park every Saturday morning, which would lead to brunches and sometimes going to a local arts festival thereafter. However, every time I'd leave my White guy friend, I'd come back to the apartment where my boyfriend was sitting on his butt, watching USC football and would start farting and laughing as soon as I walked in the door. As a result, I found myself spending more and more time with this White guy and less and less time with my boyfriend.
I'd find myself making out with the White guy, and then feeling guilty when I went back to my boyfriend until he let out another fart. Eventually, passion got the better of me and I did it with the White guy. He wasn't better than my boyfriend in bed, but he didn't cut a single fart the whole time! However, I found myself feeling so much more sexual with this White guy because of his control over his flatulence.
Eventually, I decided that I had to try to make things work with my then-boyfriend, so I went to see him and told him flat out that his farting was such a turn off and so unfunny, that I would leave him for someone else unless he stopped it. He then began whining that I was too strict, needed to loosen up and so forth, and that "Every guy farts sometimes." I lost my temper and shouted "Not during sex! Not when they're kissing their girlfriends! Not when their girlfriends are going down on them!" He said "Yeah, right! How would you know?" and I said "Because, I've been cheating on you with another man whom I have yet to ever hear or smell a fart from, that's why!"
He laughed at first because he didn't believe me. I gave him a look and said "Fine." I packed my bags and moved in with my sister and began to date the White guy full time. Yeah, I eventually heard him farting--in the bathroom with the door shut, the fan on and spraying air freshener! I've been with him for 3 years now and he's just considerate like that. (I'm sure there are plenty of Asian guys who are considerate that way, while I'm also sure that there are tons of White guys who are gas-bags like my ex-boyfriend.)
I guess my point is that I was driven to cheat by the fact that my ex-boyfriend was inconsiderate of my feelings. The fact that it was about his farting made it worse from a smell standpoint, but that really wasn't the heart of the issue. So learn this lesson guys--pay attention to your girl, respect her feelings and for God's sake don't fart in bed or during sex!!!!
Angela Hui
Thursday, November 01, 2001 at 13:13:33 (PST)
Chinese Christian,
I don't think religon played much a part in my extended families belief in the "Little Wife."
The family in Taiwan were Budhist. The family in HK is Protestant. The family in China are offical athesist.
They all mentioned it at least once during my visits with them and even offer to help locate them in the area for me.
It is definitely an Asian thing for affluent people in Asia.
AC dropout
Tuesday, October 30, 2001 at 15:37:28 (PST)
I totally agree with AM without "Little Wife". Although I would like to clarify his statement that ONLY certain segments of the population are into the "Little Wife" status lifestyle. I find it that it is mostly (surprise) EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS who are into LITTLE WIFE AS STATUS SYMBOL. Most other Chinese are not like this. It seems there is a fear of divorce which is especially emphasized in the Evangelical Chinese Christian community and maybe that's why when their marriage "rocks", they play with the "little wives" on the side. It's really a dangerous game to play but as long as all the members of the church "shut one eye"; the stupid wives don't even know.
Chinese Christian
Tuesday, October 23, 2001 at 11:15:44 (PDT)
I married an AF who came to country to study in at a University in the USA. I am a AM that immigrated to the USA at age 4.
After graduating I was lucky enough to have modest succeed in various internet ventures.
As I becoming more sucessful, my wife told me one day that it would be okay for me to be involved in an extramartial affair. I was shocked to hear this because I was brought up as a strict Lutherian and to hear this went against my very fiber. But I understood where she was coming from. Some of my uncles are very sucessful businessmen in HK, Taiwan, and China all have XiaolaoPo or "Little wives." When I went to visit my extended family in Asia after my sucess, they all joking remarked when I was going to get my "Little Wives"
It was like the "Little Wives" were status symbols. The Jaguar car, Patek Phillip Watch, and the Little Wife was the model of a sucessful business man in Asia.
My wife in the discussion gave me the run down on how our marriage would still be intact and what aspects of our marriage would change if I decided to get a "Little Wife."
Definitely a culture shock when it came to having an open repoire with my wife on the subject.
In conclusion, extramarital flings occur everywhere. The Asian just have 5000 years of protocols which I was quickly educated in after being educated in America for over 20 years.
AM without "Little Wife"
Thursday, October 11, 2001 at 13:15:51 (PDT)
I think that this is full of crap.
I am a white male, and I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I am currently dating a filipino girl, whom I love very much. I treat her like Gold, and she treats me the same.
Unimpressed WM
Friday, October 05, 2001 at 19:29:02 (PDT)
prefer to be anonymous,
You are entitled to your opinion; however from the facts available, your opinion is most certainly incorrect : namely Asian American / Asian men cheat more than other races; in fact the opposite may be true - namely Asian-American / Asian men in general cheat less than their counterparts again in general.
Yes Asian / Asian-American culture is more reserved. However this
Just The Truth
Sunday, September 09, 2001 at 23:02:58 (PDT)
Asian or Asian-American men are much more sexually oriented than their white counterparts; however, the only difference is that the white males tend to talk about their conquests more and assume that making that experience public is a sign of machismo. Foolish...If anything, I think Asians tend to engage in more extramarital and extra-relationship types of affairs than whites, but consistent with the Asian tradition of being reserved, it just isn't talked about as much.
prefer to be anonymous
Saturday, September 08, 2001 at 18:18:01 (PDT)
Ing,
The issue is not whether cheating occurs in AA families but whether it occurs with more frequency when compared with non-AA American families.
Cheating is NOT MORE acceptable in AA families. And despite the existence of legalized polygamy in China into the 1930s, let's not forget that polygamy has been illegal in China for at least fifty years. Polygamy is not necessarily related to propensity for "adultery"; let's remind ourselves that the Bible is full of examples of polygamy.
Asian literature/history is full of examples of the Asian version of romance and true love. A pair of mandarin ducks was the symbol of life-time fidelity, loyalty and stick-togetherness; it was recognized that most animals lacked these most human of features and that's why mandarin ducks were celebrated. Certain family codes in traditional China (albeit a small minority) enacted Biblical-style (but not of Biblical origin) punishment for both male and female adulterers; i.e. stoning to death male and female adulterers. Besides why are Americans using examples from the 1930s and some from even before that time to focus on the issue of cheating and the longevity of AA marriages in 2001? (Different place and different times)
Cheaters in marriages are unacceptable and have done something morally dishonest whether they be male or female. However cheating does not necessarily mean the death of a marriage as can be attested by many long-lived marriages of all races and cultures. Many additional factors affect couple's attitudes towards adultery - including frequency, reason, etc.,
Someone who is truly interested in the truth should study the reasons why AA marriages do not end up in divorce as often as other American families. All Americans may benefit from this insight. But instead of searching for the truth, many people are just trying to deny that AA marriages may have something going for them that other American marriages do not have as much anymore - a sense of fidelity, loyalty and shared responsibility. This is already suggested in several studies whereby AA men in the 1990's were found to share household chores with their AA wives to a greater degree than any other ethnic/racial group in America. In fact in one study, the sharing of household chores had a positive statistical correlation with length of marriage; ie low chore-sharing = higher divorce rates. Similar studies may shed light on the acceptance of cheating in Asian-American marriages and other American families (noticed I said Asian-American marriages today and not Chinese, etc., families in the 1930s) and other factors which contribute to a higher divorce rate.
Just The Facts
Friday, September 07, 2001 at 21:48:59 (PDT)
Whites cheat more because they are more aggressive, assertive, outgoing than asians in general. They also place less value on family and relationships on average than asians.
Overseas asians cheat because they believe in money and power and many are not religious. (both men and women) Almost all men who have either Power or Money cheat regardless of race. But whites are more likely to cheat because of their more talkative assertive personalities. (PLaya's have to talk a good game and asian aren't as good at BS.) :)
My 2 cents
Thursday, September 06, 2001 at 14:44:35 (PDT)
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