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ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
The Truth about Asian American Fathers
or many Asian Americans the most gratifying moments of the Salt Lake City Games weren't seeing Apolo Anton Ohno and Michele Kwan winning their medals; they were seeing two Asian American men being recognized as key forces in the lives of two exceptional American Olympians. How often does that happen in the American media?
Each time the TV cameras came in tight on Yuki Ohno and Danny Kwan rinkside, U.S. TV audiences saw two distinct images of Asian American fatherhood. Yuki was emotional, vocal and aggressive. Danny was impassive, silent and tentative. Some viewers might have felt cognitive dissonance. The faces of both men were unmistakeably Asian but neither evoked the familiar stereotype of the cold, stern taskmaster frowning at their kids' shortcomings.
Of course Danny Kwan and Yuki Ohno are fathers of exceptional offspring. But are they exceptions that prove the rule, or is the stereotype based on distortions born of nothing but ignorance? Do AA fathers help their children mature into well-adjusted, successful adults or are they just another obstacle in the path of young Asians seeking a place in American society?
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 06:03:20 PM)
Being treated badly by a parent is never easy, and it's never without pain. I hear a lot of grief from Asians on how tyrannical their fathers were and who continually pushed their children to succeed. Some of you even claim physical abuse, and I feel your pain. I met a Chinese buisnessman a while back, and by all outward appearances he had it going on. But the thing that bothered me the most about him was his inability to be grateful for the opportunities afforded to him in life. He would complain about how bad he had it growing up because his family pushed him to succeed and always compared him to someone else. Granted, that is pretty messed up. Other then that, his father put him through graduate school, settled him here in the States, made sure he had everything he needed in life to succeed. Sounds like his father really did care about him to me. All the while I'm sitting there thinking how I wished that was my case. My father never wanted his offspring to succeed. In my house you got in trouble for studying. The way my father put it was that education was a waste of time, because it got you nowhere. I remember him slamming my brothers head through a wall--literally through the wall-- when he was in the 11th grade, and never let him go back to school. He made him work all day on the family farm instead. When I was a child, I knew I had to get away from there or I wouldn't survive it. It was a hell hole. The physical abuse was horrible, but the thing that sticks out in my mind the most is when he made us kill the puppies that were born from our dog. I'll never forgive him for that. I figured the only way I could leave that life behind was through education. I tried really hard to learn, but guess who got in the way? Instead, I was up at 3 o'clock in the morning working on the farm before I went to school, then went back to work when I got off the bus. I was never allowed to study at home. Later in life my parents divorced. I wanted to go live with my mother but she couldn't afford me. When I was 15 years old I finally got her to let me come live with her. The deal was that I had to get a job and support myself because she couldn't. I went from a school with 103 students from kindergarden through 12th grade, to a school that had over 1,500 students just in the 11th and 12th grade alone. I was a senior at 16 years old and couldn't even do division sufficiently. They didn't know what to do with me. They graduated me anyway. I was too far gone to help. I tell you this not to make you feel sorry for me, because I don't think my story is that unusual. I tell you this so many of you can rethink the gratitude towards your parents and the gift they have given you. Today I'm 33 years old and have nothing to show for it except a couple of failed marriages and a string of bad relationships. I've for the most part cut myself off from my family because they would do everything in their power to keep my from succeeding. They fought me tooth and nail when I decided to go to college. I had a child and it wasn't right for me to go to college because my child might suffer. Anyway, here I sit today with nothing but hope for my future. I have nothing to lose and everthing to gain. The gifts I'm grateful for through all of this is my ability to work hard, and show compassion an empathy for my fellow man. Without compassion, empathy and love, we are nothing.
Take Care
Wednesday, May 01, 2002 at 05:24:05 (PDT)
Why does everyone judge strict Asian parents as cold and unloving? Are you trying to imply that white parents are better parents? My parents were demanding than American parents because they cared about me and wanted me to succeed. You don't have to be a sappy, outwardly emotional white person to be a good parent. Asian parents are not inferior. They are just different from mainstream American white parents. There are good and bad parents in every culture: both Asian and non-Asian. Why does everyone always see Asian culture as inferior? It really frustrates me to see this problem.
I love my Chinese parents
Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 22:38:12 (PDT)
to "an ignorant fool":
I feel the same way about my own attitude towards my father. I used to be so angry and ashamed of him, and thought he was so mean and awful but I was just an idiot and an immature person who just didn't see all that he was carrying with him. I just felt horrible when he died, and I hadn't made up with him. I felt that my attitude towards him did not make his life any better, and it made me feel that I was a bad person. Often I think about how I would have liked to have been a better person to him, but it is too late now.
another fool
Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 16:06:44 (PDT)
In Confucian-Oriented Societies such as China, Japan, Korea and Taiwan, there is a heavy emphasis on the obligation of the individual to the collective whole. Often that obligation is acted out on reason, rather than on emotion.
In addition, unlike much of the West, these Asian countries value conformity, instead of individualism. They believe that a conformist society is practical, it brings about stability and harmony within the individuals.
These are the reasons why 1st generation Asian fathers are perceived as cold, stern, unbending, and strict on their children. These are also the same reasons why most of them want their children to pursue and to succeed in many of the practical professions valued much by society such as doctors, lawyers, nurses, engineers, and accountants; and frown on those who choose individualistic or radical pursuits such as artists, designers, musicians, writers, and intellectuals.
Of course there are Westerners who value conformity as well, and there are those who emphasize reason over emotion, and practicality over artistic. Religious groups in America such as the once elite Episcopalians, Puritans and Quakers are good examples. It just happens that Asians are the majority when it comes to these issues, so people tend to discount the Whites who behave just like Asians.
Puritannical Asian
Tuesday, April 30, 2002 at 07:42:29 (PDT)
recently I've discovered that one thing lacking whenever I talk about my father and way he acts is a discussion about his past. I think my dad was a horrible father. I blame him for all that is wrong in my family. but recently i had the opportunity to see things from his perspective. it never occurred to me that maybe I should look into his past to find out why he acts the way he does today. My father was born in korea aroun 1941. at the time japan had colonized most of east asia. the people of korea were enslaved by the japanese. 100 of thousands of women were made into sex slaves or as the japanese call them "comfort women". after wwII my dad had to deal with the korean war. he watch as millions of his fellow koreans died. he then had to deal with the vietnam war. afterwards he had to deal with numerous bloody dictatorships. at this time my dad decided to immigrate to the us. In the us he had to face with racism, a language barrier, poverty and many more things. The wars he went through didn't occur on his tv. it occurred in his backyard. I don't know what happenned to his family. he won't even tell my mom what happened. all I know is that most of his family was dead long before I was born. apparently my dad's life was chaotic from day one. I knew he was be carrying a lot of emotional baggage, but it never occurred to me just how much of a burden he was carrying. although his past doesn't excuse some of the horrible things that he've done, it does let me understand him more than I've ever did before. here I am writing my dad off as some mean guy without ever even thinking about the environment he came from. I feel so ignorant for not realizing all this earlier. so very very ignorant.
an ignorant fool
Monday, April 29, 2002 at 21:18:52 (PDT)
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