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Relations between Asian and Non-Asian Women
(Updated Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 06:02:54 PM)

veryone has an opinion on how Asian women are perceived by men. Reflecting those stereotypes across the gender line, we might assume that non-Asian women would see Asian women either as sexual threats (the exotic temptresses/sexual predators stereotype) or objects of pity and condescension (the passive victims of sexist cultures stereotype). Or, inside the halls of academe and of corporate America, perhaps as superhuman competitors for grades and promotions (the grinds-with-no-lives stereotype).
Asian woman
Friend or foe?

     In actual social encounters such preconceptions translate into a plethora of mostly subtle but detectible responses -- hostility, wariness or exaggerated solicitude. In extended dealings these attitudes might subject Asian women to excessive amounts of malicious gossip, campaigns of isolation, or an effort at taking under the wing or even outright domination.
     These types of negative interactions are common enough that, in an effort to neutralize them, Asian American women seem to have evolved distinctive personal styles. Many AAF make a point of being unusually aggressive and outspoken in social interactions. Others flaunt their educational or economic status. Still others take a take-no-prisoners tack and play the ultra-feminine siren capable of punishing rival females by turning their mates into yo-yos. Some manage to adopt all these tactics and become alpha females against whom resistance is futile.
     But of course not all interactions between Asian American women and non-Asian women are of the arms-length variety. At times these women also do relate to one another as best friends, sisters-, daughters- and mothers-in-law, collaborators, teachers, doctors, students, attorneys, fellow soccer moms. Each such relationship introduces aspects of Asian women that defy easy stereotypes but may nevertheless reveal the peculiar role they seem forced to accept in American society.
     Not that all non-Asian women start with a negative impression of Asian women. We kick off the reader comments with a post from a woman with good reason to want to see warm relatioins between AF and non-Asian females.
     We invite women of all perspectives to air their perceptions, concerns and observations on relations between Asian and non-Asian women. Men are prohibited from posting here.

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WHAT YOU SAY

[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
I did forget to mention something very important that I need to acknowledge. I did have the wonderful opportunity of being in one interracial relationship group. I was there very briefly and I was very quiet though. I have always been kinda shy, and plus with all of this I have been feeling...its been tough to say much. Well, much positive stuff. I can ramble on and on lately but its tough to be uplifting. So anways, the name of the group is Elitusnubiusjadus. Tazhiker was sweet and so was some other people too. Her relationship is very inspiring. I just need to take a break right now from the PC and sort everything out. I just had to mention that to show that there are some welcoming groups out there...even though I have encountered a few some that were not as open and welcoming or friendly. Okay, once again. Everyone take care. If anything positive happens from this whole thing...I will be singing my heart out like a bluebird! LOL!
Once again everyone, take care...
:)
   Thursday, March 13, 2003 at 18:23:13 (PST)    [68.18.84.62]
"Thanks" and the "Editor" is right. This is a discussion board for women. I still really really appreciate the wonderful supportive words from "ITMFL" and "Vietguy in Houston". I wish there were more discussion here between all women on issues of interracial relationships, regardless of their colors. I still strongly believe there is one thing that all of us as women on this board share...we are all in interracial relationships, and deal with the struggles of it along with the joys. I wish there was more regular talk about it. I really would like to hear experiences from women here. I know that my situation kinda sucks. Alot of interracial relationships go really smoothly, and some don't have as many bumps in the road. I read some relationships that seem to be very successful...like for instance Happy Clam, and that wonderful lady that I never had the chance to know "Hannybunbun", and there are many others like them too...like Cali girl, curious girl, and Joy. I can't remember all of them, my memory is very bad right now. I have a headache, and I am feeling very down. I have tried joining a few groups that deal with interracial relationships. I don't know what it is, but all of them are a certain way....well, I am not complaining really but its like you have to fit in. You have to be a certain way, and fit in. Whether its color, age, current relationship sitation, family status etc. There is somewhat of a strict criterior that some of us just never will meet. It really kinda sucks. I don't really fit into any of them I guess. And believe me, its not that I haven't tried because I really have. I won't say specifically what it is...but I think I am not imagining things. I am sure everyone that has tried knows what I am speaking of...and its sad. I hate to sound like I am whining, because I am not trying to come off in such a way. I just know that its so freaking divided and I don't understand that. I don't understand why? We all have in common this thing right? And should'nt that go way beyond whether someone is Asian or Black or White or Hispanic or Racially mixed? Well, I won't ramble on anymore. Someone name "apple pie" mentioned here once that we all can have gripes about other cultures...but we should talk about it and learn from it, or something like that she was saying. Alot of people took what she said in a negative way. They didn't see what she was trying to get across about how we should try to communicate and talk things out. I see what she meant by that now. It really does make alot of sense. I think I am gonna lay off the PC for a while and take a rest. I am really tired and need the rest. I have so much on my mind lately and need to take a break and sort things out in my life. I really hope that someday there will be a place where "ALL" women, no matter what race or background or social financial status...can all get together peacefully and maybe talk about the joys and sadness of their interracial relationships together. Because when it really is out in the open...all in all...we are all women. Call me crazy for feeling this way, but its just how I feel. Silly divisions mean nothing when you really think about it. Love is love. I really love this man with all my heart and I can't seem to see past it right now. It is so hard to put into the right words. What attracted me to this place? I thought we all shared the common thing of being in interracial relationships...marriages, boyfriends etc. or whatever. I also came here to learn from everyone else and hear their experiences and how they are coping...or what made their relationship successful. I thought we all as women could maybe talk about it. Instead it seems to be a place where everyone just wants to divide and pick each other to pieces...like its a big game. Some of us here have true feelings, and people like me tend to wear them on their sleeves. I guess that is just how this world is, and there is nothing we can really do about it. Its life. Hopefully it will change someday. If not here, then maybe somewhere else. Everyone take good care of yourselves. We are women. And when it comes to the heart there is no color. For those of you who are in relationships with men of a different culture, and maybe even have kids with him?...I wish you the very best blessings to absolutely all of you and to your families.
And I want to especially acknowledge and send my condolences and heart out to Hannybunbun's family. I know that she and her baby are bright and beautiful angels in heaven....
I know that I didn't have the chance to get to know her. But I still have a heart that feels. And I feel deeply for people. I wish many warm blessings her family & most importantly to her sweet little boy.
bye
   Thursday, March 13, 2003 at 09:38:56 (PST)    [68.18.84.62]
I have a friend that is living in South Korea. I didn't really tell her what happened during that past week. I know that shes my good friend, and we share alot together. I felt a little uncomfortable telling her all that depressing stuff that happened. She was already depressed about some things with her boyfriend lately. So, I didn't want to make her feel any worse than she already did. I wish she lived here in the states, because I don't really have any close female friends here. Most people already have established close friends from their childhood. So making new ones is usually out of the question. And then when you do try to make friends with some women, they gossip and talk behind your back...or say hurtful things to you. Its hard to be friends with women. I have one friend in Korea, one in Senegal, one in England. And I live in the USA.
I guess I have to look at it like this... he and I are friends, so maybe hes all the friend I need. I trust him with absolutely everything. I feel that I am still open to making friendships with women...I am just more skeptical now. I feel like I have to be less free with myself. Some people just want to take advantage. That makes it really difficult.
still hoping and praying.
   Wednesday, March 12, 2003 at 14:31:51 (PST)    [68.18.84.62]
"Viet guy in Houston's comments were kind, however isn't this a forum only for women?
Thanks
   Wednesday, March 12, 2003 at 10:23:15 (PST)    [68.164.61.204]

[Yes, it is. We made an exception because he was responding to a post that seemed to seek male as well as female responses. --Ed]
Thankyou ITMFL & Vietguy in Houston,
I really needed to hear such encouraging words. I guess going through stuff like this sometimes makes me feel really alone. Before I left, my bf gave me some white beads to pray...mala...
I have been praying with them ever since. I am hoping that we can get through this. I really am hoping and praying. I still don't think it is all Asian people that think like the old woman and the ex-friend of my bf, and the neighbors in the community. This actually happened in New York. I live in the south. The area is a very thick community, and some of the people seem to hold onto alot of old tradition in ways. I guess. Its good to hear not everyone thinks like that. If you don't mind, I would like to email you. Even though its easy for me to say that it feels good to hear encouragement...I still feel the pain sometimes, when I really think of what we are facing right now. I even find myself wearing these beads daily, around my neck...because they are closest to my heart...
My mom said that I should wrap them around my wrist. I feel more compfortable with them directly against my heart, for some strange reason. I don't know why.
still a bit depressed...
   Monday, March 10, 2003 at 06:30:00 (PST)    [68.18.68.231]
To "so severly depressed",
I am so very sorry you had to go through that horrible experience. Please understand that those are the words of some stupid ignorant fools. Your not causing any trouble, those idiots are. They don't understand that this is America, not some backwards hick-type 3rd world environment where they are from. Not every Asian thinks that way, especially the ones that are born here in the U.S. I know of a few inter-racial relationships involving Asians that went on beautifully with support from both sides. Not all men want to marry Virgins, I certainly will not! I down right refuse to marry a virgin!

My mom once told me, "You should bring home a nice Vietnamese girl so that I can talk to her." I started laughing at her and told her "hell no". Why? First of all, I'm the one who has to put up with her if she turns out to be a @#$%& not my mom. Secondly, what really pissed me off is that she told me this but told my sister she should marry a nice white man because "they'll treat you better". What kind of hypocritical bullshit is that? If I ever do get married, it will be to the one who makes me happy and to whoever I am so deeply inlove with. Hopefully, she will feel the same for me. Thirdly, no one can ever tell me who to date or marry!

The situation with you and your b/f can work only if he feels the same way about you. I don't blame your b/f for his actions, because I would of done the same thing! Heck, I would of started swinging a baseball bat too. Don't let this incident affect you too much. Keep the loving open heart that you have because that is probably would drew your boyfriend to you.
If you two want, move to a city where culture diversity and inter-racial relationships are widely accepted such as New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco or Houston. So stand by your strong Asian b/f because if he feels the same then you two will last.
Viet guy in Houston
   Saturday, March 08, 2003 at 12:45:45 (PST)    [66.25.51.96]
You say that it's hard to respect someone when they're NOT pull thier fair share, right?
ARE YOU PULLING YOUR FAIR SHARE?
You seem like you have a lot of hate built up inside. I think that all minorities should work together, but it's people like you that brings everyone back down due to your negative views.
You say that it's hard to respect someone, but I doubt that you've ever tried. Between calling Mad At Racists (White) a sore loser & saying that Blacks are loud & ignorant, you seem as though you haven't even got respect for humans beings at all!

The Devil's Blood Flows Through Your Veins
Galactica
   Saturday, March 08, 2003 at 10:13:57 (PST)    [65.56.174.123]
Dear "so severely depressed":

I am outraged at your story...not at you, but at the people you mentioned. First of all, I am an Asian American man in his late 20's and I feel that some of the people you mentioned in your story are acting horribly, whatever their intentions may be. It was a good point you mentioned that not all Asians are like that; that there are bad people in all races. I would like to strongly emphasize that you are correct.

Sounds to me like that old woman and probably the others as well live in an insulated Asian community and hold on to old stereotypes and an old way of thinking. I would like to tell you that, in my experience, the Asian people I have known are mostly not like this at all. Where do you live?

My opinion is that you heard the old woman correctly, and when your boyfriend confronted her about it, she felt embarrassed and tried to pin the blame on you by saying you misunderstood what she said. Basically, she just wants to split your boyfriend and you apart. Most likely out of a sense of not wanting to see an Asian man marry a non-Asian woman, as well as due to a very outdated and insular way of thinking. Please don't take what she said personally. I have personally been involved with several non-Asian women in serious relationships and have taken treated them all with the utmost respect and seriousness.

My advice is to continue communicating with your boyfriend and go through this together. Don't let the hate from the outside world enter your relationship. Stay focused on your relationship and think about how you want it to be. I would leave that community as soon as possible; speak to your boyfriend about it.

The old women may seem nice, but she is NOT. You are okay with her as long as you are good company for an old woman, but to her you are no good for your boyfriend. Can you really respect someone like that? And as for the guy who threatened you to have sex with him: he is a complete scumbag! Have nothing to do with him at all.

I hope I've covered everything... I'm sure you will get more outraged responses here on Goldsea. Feel free to email me. We can talk about it more. I am just absolutely outraged at what you described! And I care because of the previous relationships with non-Asian that I have had and I understand how hard it can be. I don't want to see another relationship like yours break up because of others' hate, ignorance, and jealousy.
In the Mood for Love
itmfl13@yahoo.com    Saturday, March 08, 2003 at 01:03:54 (PST)    [24.24.146.91]
Something really horrible happened to me over the past couple of days. I went to visit my bf. He lives in another city. He has three roomates. One older woman in her 60s, a younger woman in her 20s & her boyfriend. When my boyfriend had to go to work, I stayed at the apartment. The older woman was at home all during the day with me. She was very sweet, and nice to me. She told me all about how she was a mother of two daughters etc. She told me how she was glad that I was getting my teaching degree, and that I was making a wise choice in finishing college. We talked for hours and hours. She told me how she wanted to maybe become friends, that she really liked me already. The next day she told me that she and the younger woman were curious about my age, and what race I am. She said they talk about me all the time, and was so curious. She said they were guessing that I was in my early 20s. I told her no, that I am approaching 30. My birthday is actually today, the 7th. This was on Tuesday, so I was telling her that my birthday would be very soon. She asked if I had ever been married before. She said she wanted to know, because she was married before and felt she needed someone to relate to. I told her the truth, yes I was married once...now divorced. She then told me how I need to find a good black or hispanic man. She even said that it would be good for me to find a financially secured white man. She told me that my culture is too different from the Asian culture and that I will not find happiness with an Asian man. She spoke in a very sweet tone of voice, and was telling me that it was for my own good to know this information. She told me that basically, Asian men only use women who are non-Asian, and that we are not valued to them. She told me that they only value virgin women, such as her daughters who are prized. She said alot of things, and it made me feel like a cheap whore. She said that everyone is laughing at me, that I am the laughing stock...because everyone laughs at situations like mine. I was really hurting, and just tried to suck it all down. When my boyfriend came home from work, I told him. I was trying not to cry, but I couldn't stop. He was angry and told me not to listen to what was said. He then went and shouted and yelled to the woman not to meddle in our business. The woman pretended that I only misinterpreted her words. One of the men from a nearby apartment came and told me that I misinterpreted...because I had too much to drink, and was a little bit hysterical. I only had something to drink later, and not during any conversation with her or anyone else. and I was not imagining what was said. I also had severe PMS, which did not help the situation, it only complicated my feelings more hearing her bullshit. Also, that I found out that he might be moving away. It was a big mess. All of his friends and everyone is against us being together now...even more than ever now, because of the conflict with the old woman. Everyone is saying to him that I am no good for him...that I am nothing but trouble. That he showed disrespect for the old woman, and the community. Basically that I am disgracing him further, but being with him period. I feel like crap. I love him. I want to be with him. I don't know what to do or feel. I know that he no longer has his parents, so these people are family. Everyone in the community calls each other like for example if it is 'Win'...they would call the guy like "brother Win" or something like that. Brother, and sister etc. So this is like family in a way. He was enraged and he said he wanted to break the door down with his foot. He told me this is why he hates the Asian people, for this reason. He said this is exactly why they make him so angry. I told him that its not all of the Asian people, it is only a group of people in every culture like that. He said to me no, that I am wrong. That I don't undertand it. I feel like complete crap anyways. I didn't mean to cause any trouble. I was talking to the woman, we were having normal conversation. She told me she liked me, and we could get to know each other. She even asked if I wanted to go to the markets with her, and celebrate my birthday with her. She was going to make curried mutton for me. All sorts of things. Now its all a big mess. The last thing that broke us up, an acquaintance threatened for me to have sex with him, or he would see to it that I lost my boyfriend forever. I am so sick of this. I feel miserable. I don't have anything against people. I try to always have an open heart, and I welcome people to easily into it. Its really hard. If things do work out between us, I don't know what will happen. I guess I probably won't really have any close girlfriends to hang out with. He is my friend. I will probably end up being a loner type. Stay to myself, its safer that way. Well, this is if things do work out in between us. This is the first real bump in the road we have had to really face. I don't know if we will survive it. There is hope, I think. I have been praying that we can get through this together. All I can do is pray...
my hands are tied...
so severely depressed
   Friday, March 07, 2003 at 07:10:13 (PST)    [68.18.74.23]

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