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ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
Truth About Asian American Mothers
noble, selfless woman who swallows hardship and drinks tears to put away every tasty morsel for her beloved offspring. She is the omnipresent nurturing bosom, a bottomless well of encouragement and sympathy, the tirelessly cooking and cleaning hands.
The dark side only comes to light when an offspring betrays the filial impiety to defy her will on any life decision. The saint transforms into an implacable fury tormenting her offspring with bitter nagging, violent tantrums, spectacular public outbursts, followed by a bone-chilling show of indifference.
So say some.
In fairness, mothers of all stripes have been accused of saddling kids with the hopes and regrets spilling over from their own lives. For example, Jewish mothers too have been depicted as loving tyrants bent on controlling their offspring's choice of schools, careers and mates. But no example of maternal domination seems to match the Asian mother for the intensity of her will to own her children's lives.
But how much of such traditional notions of Asian motherhood has survived the transpacific crossing? Have Asian American mothers evolved away from the prevailing stereotypes of Asian mothers -- for better and worse?
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:58:50 PM)
Sometimes I hear my Asian Daughter-in-law talk about my granddaughter as being a child with a destiny for greatness. I think this is wonderful, because I feel the same way about her.
Being a parent--especially a mother, you have to figure out how to push your kids enough for them to succeed (or at least stay out of trouble) but not push so much, or push angrily, or lay guilt trips on them, or do something so hard that they will hate you as soon as they leave home and never see you except for birthdays and Christmas. It is not an easy task for anyone to undertake.
When you become a grandparent, you have typically learned from how you screwed up your kid (with the best intentions of course) and then set to work to counteract your kids imitating you when you were raising them, all the while hoping you live long enough with your mental faculties intact to see your grandkids graduate college with their self-esteem intact and not hating their parents.
Yep, I know that sounds neurotic, and ironic, but such are parents' and grandparents' lots in life.
A White Mother with a lovely Mixed Granddaughter and an Asian Daughter in law whom I both adore
Wednesday, May 22, 2002 at 12:04:37 (PDT)
I have to say as an asian-american I am very lucky to have the set of parents I have. My mom is probably the most loving mom out there..she's not like your typical asian parent. Sure, she pushed me hard to 'succeed' in typical asian fashion early on. I naturally rebelled in high school and this was a really bad 'rebellion' at that. I took drugs, often skipped school, hung out with bad people. She was always there for me though when others weren't. I was probably one of the biggest screwups ever and being the only child i'm sure it hurt her a lot. As an asian male it's about twice as hard to survive emotionally intact in American culture. Oftentimes we have no one to rely on except our immediate family. This is why a lot of us become emotionally 'reclusive' individuals, we have been hurt too much in the past. I'm happy to say i've changed my life quite a bit.. I graduate college this year and have a good start into what I hope to be a fruitful career. All in all..to those asian guys (and girls) who had a "hard time" like I did. Well, keep your chin up.. respect your mom/dad they might not always understand but they are usually the only ones there for you constantly throughout life.
A Chinese guy.
winterfyre13@yahoo.com
Tuesday, May 21, 2002 at 14:08:45 (PDT)
In my case, my father had all those qualities. He was very demanding, pushy, and sometimes downright neurotic and fragile. He was the one who cried when my newlywed sisters went off for honeymoon; oftentimes he stayed up all night tossing and turning while my mother just snoozed away at night. My mother seemed to be much more emotionally strong/well-balanced, supportive and openminded all through our upbringing.
Now, lo and behold, my sisters are becoming like typical AA mothers. For one thing, they push their kids way too hard IMO. One of my nieces, a 7 year old, is taking piano/violin/writing/art/swimming lessons every week. Not to mention Korean language school she has to attend every Friday night...
One Korean Man
Monday, May 20, 2002 at 15:22:31 (PDT)
My mom always asks me when I'm going to become rich and take care of her. Money is her big issue, she reminds me everyday that I need to get a well-paying job soon and marry a rich guy. This irks me sometimes. I feel as if all she cares about is money and not my true happiness. Yet I know that she just wants the best for me. She has done a lot for me and I really do want to repay her. Sometimes I wish that we understood each other more.
baybee510
Monday, May 20, 2002 at 11:39:17 (PDT)
It really all depends from one Asian mother to the next. Asian mothers, not all, expect her children to be successful in life. That is the way they were brought up. In fact, ALL mothers from different backgrounds are like that to their children. They want what's best for their son or daughter.
chinalova
Monday, May 20, 2002 at 10:54:57 (PDT)
This past year there was a terrible story in the news in Las Vegas. A 30 year-old Asian-American (Chinese American) female doctor, just finished with her medical school and hospital residency, was about to begin her private practice. She was also about to get married to an American (white) man. She had leased an office and was about to open it. She was still living with her mother while awaiting her marriage to her fiance. The mother (in her 50's) who had always been very strict and perhaps jealous of her daughter, and who disapproved of her marriage, shot her daughter at home, killing her. Then the mother turned the gun on herself in a suicide.
Vegan Vegan
Monday, May 20, 2002 at 09:29:32 (PDT)
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