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ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH ASIAN MOTHERS-IN-LAW
o hear the wives of Asian men talk, they're the mothers-in-law from hell -- tyrannical and nitpicky, with an iron grip on their sons.
The rap isn't entirely unfounded. Traditional Asian culture holds wives to be subordinate to mothers-in-law. Thus women who suffered long and hard under their MIL's thumbs looked forward to the day when they could rule their sons' wives with the same heavy hand. They expected to dictate how their daughters-in-law cook, clean, shop, educate the grandkids and even over how they dress and wear makeup.
These days fewer families share a roof with parents. But old mindsets die hard. The expectations of some Asian mothers-in-law seem to have survived into the new millennium. Their ways seem especially terrifying to young wives who grew up in more laissez-faire western culture. The terror is compounded when the MILs appear to impose old-fashioned prejudices on their sons' choice of mates and the way their wives run the household. Stories abound of how otherwise promising marriages have been killed by the old gal's all-seeing evil eyes.
But are Asian MILs as bad as they say? Maybe they've been getting a bum rap based on the horror stories of the unlucky few. Here's your chance to paint a balanced picture of how awful or wonderful Asian mothers-in-law can be.
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:58:47 PM)
The horror stories about MIL's are not limited to the Korean ones. Whether or not the MIL is nice and supportive or tyranical and devious has to do with the person and her morals. I have seen many MIL's who are very supportive of their daughter-in-laws. However, Korean MIL's are extremists. If they are supportive they are overly supportive. If they are mean your life is miserable until either you move or they pass to the other side. Only wish that I could say that mine was supportive and understanding. Mine is the epitome of a horrible MIL. The things that she doesn't expect of her daughters (both married) I am to know what they are and do them without so much as a word. Just make sure that before you marry that you have a true understanding of what your MIL is going to be. Don't think that you can change her later. It gets a lot worse before it gets better.
Alone in San Francisco
Friday, December 07, 2001 at 18:54:47 (PST)
I do speak mandarin and what I don't speak, my wife translates. My mother in law has yet to be critical of me--the main criticisms I have caught are those that she makes of my wife--her daughter. UGH!
WM Married to a Wonderful AF
Monday, October 22, 2001 at 07:20:33 (PDT)
I think mother-in-law relationship are all the same the world over. Tense and unavoidable.
I remember my wife asking me why her aunt (AF) and uncle (WM) didn't have mother-in-law issues. In fact, my wife would always say how well her uncle (WM) got along with the mother-in-law, when she stayed over for a year.
I would reply, that's because he doesn't speak chinese. So he did have any opportunity to understand any critism she might of had.
When either Mother in Law come over to my house, I wish I never bothered keeping up with the native tongue. Ignorance must be bliss for inter-ethnic marriage.
AC dropout
Friday, October 19, 2001 at 14:34:02 (PDT)
I'm a WM married to an AF and my mother-in-law is wonderful--not like some of the remarks people make about mothers-in-law in general or Asian mothers-in-law. My mother-in-law always treats me with warmth and kindness when I visit their house with my wife (which is every week) and she has made it clear she wants to care for our forthcoming child so my wife can go back to work if she so desires.
About the only negative thing I can say about my mother-in-law is that while she never questions her daughter's intelligence or professionalism, sometimes she underestimates her daughter's domestic abilities. My wife and I share cooking duties, but when my in-lawws come to dinner, my MIL always compliments my cooking while she gripes about my wife's cooking. My wife's response "Ni bu shi wan-ni bu cher" (You don't like it--don't eat it!"
WM Married to a Wonderful AF
Tuesday, October 09, 2001 at 11:06:55 (PDT)
My MIL who is Korean (Im white) lives with us and we have never really experienced any problems.She has always been respectful of the decisions that my husband and I make for our family.Of course she's always offering advice and stuff but I would expect that from any mother-in-law.I have friends whose white mother-in-laws are way scarier than mine.
happy with MIL
Monday, October 08, 2001 at 06:59:28 (PDT)
Everything about MILs are true!
been there
Sunday, October 07, 2001 at 11:23:07 (PDT)
Come on ... this is 2001.
My mother-in-law has little control
over her son in regards to his actions
towrds me (I am white) and our
children.
It may help that we live in a different
city, but I have never experience anything but good support from my
mother-in-law.
WF married to AM
Saturday, October 06, 2001 at 04:08:17 (PDT)
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