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ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH ASIAN MOTHERS-IN-LAW
o hear the wives of Asian men talk, they're the mothers-in-law from hell -- tyrannical and nitpicky, with an iron grip on their sons.
The rap isn't entirely unfounded. Traditional Asian culture holds wives to be subordinate to mothers-in-law. Thus women who suffered long and hard under their MIL's thumbs looked forward to the day when they could rule their sons' wives with the same heavy hand. They expected to dictate how their daughters-in-law cook, clean, shop, educate the grandkids and even over how they dress and wear makeup.
These days fewer families share a roof with parents. But old mindsets die hard. The expectations of some Asian mothers-in-law seem to have survived into the new millennium. Their ways seem especially terrifying to young wives who grew up in more laissez-faire western culture. The terror is compounded when the MILs appear to impose old-fashioned prejudices on their sons' choice of mates and the way their wives run the household. Stories abound of how otherwise promising marriages have been killed by the old gal's all-seeing evil eyes.
But are Asian MILs as bad as they say? Maybe they've been getting a bum rap based on the horror stories of the unlucky few. Here's your chance to paint a balanced picture of how awful or wonderful Asian mothers-in-law can be.
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:58:47 PM)
I am a WF married to an AM, who has a 70+ year old mother. We briefly lived with her, which was no picninc, but thats simply because we longed for our own place and to get started on our new life together.
Since that time, I can only say she has been tremendously supportive,from emotional support to financial assistance.
She never automatically sides up with my husband - she is very open minded, and actually tends to stay clear of our disputes so as to not get in the middle of things , I should imagine! She is encouraging and supportive of how we raise our child, run our home, and the choices we make.
She had a difficult life with many experiences, and it has given her a wisdom and an ability to view life honestly and intelligently that I greatly admire. I try to learn from her what I can, and whatever petty differences we may have are not worth a conflict. They also are not due to her being Asian- its more often a generational difference of opinion.
My brother is married to a WF, and I would say the relationship between her and my mom is much more strained, much less loving ( if at all ) than mine with my MIL. So it does depend on the individuals and the dynamics involved. I would be very hesitant to agree with the broad negative stereotyping of Asian MILS I see in here...Its simply not the case in my situation.
Nor do I think the examples given of getting drunk, hogging the remote, etc. are " typical of Asian in-laws"like a posting stated. Thats a little insulting as when my husband visits my parents , HE is the " Asian in-law" and hardly demonstrates those characteristics!! I am not denying these may all be very true qualities of that individual , but to lump all Asian In-laws together so negatively makes me wonder if some of that hostility and somewhat racist attitude might lend itself to the REAl problem between this poster and their MIL.
Happy Clam
Wednesday, March 06, 2002 at 11:52:58 (PST)
I am happy to know that i am not the only one with mil problem. its worst then pms. if only there was a pill to cure my mil problems like pms.
MIL SUFFER
Friday, March 01, 2002 at 20:42:35 (PST)
I do not like my MIL. She is rude and has no respect for anyone - including her husband. My MIL is just like her HER mother, an ungrateful woman who doesn't deserve to be called a human being.
MDIL
Monday, February 18, 2002 at 11:25:52 (PST)
It's the same now as it was a century ago. My mom-in-law (I'd much rather call her outlaw) is the typical Asian in-law. Some of the things which she thinks to be perfectly alright :
1. Storming into our room when our baby cries at night claiming that she has colic (she's just throwing a tantrum), then declaring that she refuses to see or touch our baby in future since we won't listen to her. Isn't that remark totally uncalled for?
2. Arranging everything in our home the way she likes it.
3. Bringing all sorts of old furniture fit for the dump into our home.
4. Arranging for her other grandchildren to come live with us in the daytime where we are required to pay for their meals and everything else without so much as consulting with us first.
5. Holds on to the remote control all day.
6. Insists that everything be done her way because "that's how I did it with my kids".
7. Insists on placing each and every single photo of her grandchildren (she has 18) on the mantelpiece.
8. Insists that the kitchen and the whole house is her territory.
9. Totally stupid.
10. Gets drunk during dinner receptions (with 200 guests) and make a downright fool of herself, yet at the same time, feels real proud of her "achievement".
Can someone tell me if there are things worst than this in life?
Sharon
Tuesday, January 29, 2002 at 00:13:29 (PST)
The more conservative Asian MILs are usually easier on their sons-in-law since their daughters have "joined" the husbands' families while "leaving" the birth family. Needless to say, so far the guys on this forum aren't claiming to be personally mistreated by their MIL's, while the womens' replies are a mixed bag.
I'm Korean, my husband also. My MIL and I get along in a detached, personal way. However, there are moments where she talks about this or that Korean wife she knows, always close to my age, and how genius these women are at cooking, cleaning, and raising high-IQ kids who play 5 musical instruments (*rolling my eyes*).
Hopefully never a bitchy MIL
Wednesday, December 12, 2001 at 00:27:42 (PST)
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