|
|
|
|
|
GOLDSEA |
ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH ASIAN MOTHERS-IN-LAW
o hear the wives of Asian men talk, they're the mothers-in-law from hell -- tyrannical and nitpicky, with an iron grip on their sons.
The rap isn't entirely unfounded. Traditional Asian culture holds wives to be subordinate to mothers-in-law. Thus women who suffered long and hard under their MIL's thumbs looked forward to the day when they could rule their sons' wives with the same heavy hand. They expected to dictate how their daughters-in-law cook, clean, shop, educate the grandkids and even over how they dress and wear makeup.
These days fewer families share a roof with parents. But old mindsets die hard. The expectations of some Asian mothers-in-law seem to have survived into the new millennium. Their ways seem especially terrifying to young wives who grew up in more laissez-faire western culture. The terror is compounded when the MILs appear to impose old-fashioned prejudices on their sons' choice of mates and the way their wives run the household. Stories abound of how otherwise promising marriages have been killed by the old gal's all-seeing evil eyes.
But are Asian MILs as bad as they say? Maybe they've been getting a bum rap based on the horror stories of the unlucky few. Here's your chance to paint a balanced picture of how awful or wonderful Asian mothers-in-law can be.
This interactive article is closed to new input.
Discussions posted during the past year remain available for browsing.
CONTACT US
|
ADVERTISING INFO
© 1996-2013 Asian Media Group Inc
No part of the contents of this site may be reproduced without prior written permission.
|
|
|
|
WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:58:47 PM)
My mother-in-law is from India and so am I, although I've been entirely raised in this country. I have found from my own experiences and those of my friends that our Indian MILs do exhibit a great insecurity about becoming second in their sons lives. They demonstrate a lot of high maintenance behaviour and are likely to "test" us as daughters-in-law. However, I have found that with constant reassurance early on - this downward spiral can be stopped.
I provided my MIL with constant communication early on in our courtship and the first months of our marriage. I consulted her on everything from where to register to which job to choose. In other words, I included her as much as I included my own mother in the day to day decisions of our lives. The result? She trusts that I won't cut her out and I got to actually break through that inlaw wall and we have bonded as two women who care for the same man and really as two friends.
When I'm tempted to judge her, I remind myself that I too will be someone's mother-in-law one day.
Beloved Daughter-in-Law from Boston
Tuesday, March 19, 2002 at 13:13:01 (PST)
I had a "Corean" (to use this site's politically correct spelling, heh) mother-in-law who was both a delight and also made my life a living hell.
On one hand, she would voluntarily do chores like cleaning clothes -- except outdoors on the driveway with a washing board.
We had a washing machine and dryer, both of which she never "trusted." Try explaining that to the nosy neighbors, who admittedly didn't deserve an explanation anyway.
Sorry if this sounds like some sort of bad TV sitcom cliche, but it happened more than once.
She was wonderful on a strictly human level -- loved her "happa" grandkid, cooked and cleaned like a fiend, had a great sense of humor, but was also - forgive the phrase - FOB - when it came to dealing with 20th century American culture.
Though she did love "I Love Lucy" reruns in any language - even Spanish. Lucy is apparently universal.
I mostly miss her. But the reliance she and my ex-wife had on each other regarding the "family unit" vs. the realities of trying to live another life that involved washing machines, not washing boards, superstitions vs. reality - god help us if a plate was broken - etc. eventually drove us all apart, sorry to say.
Mom in law casuality
Monday, March 18, 2002 at 22:14:12 (PST)
Hi Happy Clam and all,
I am very happy that you get on well with your MIL. I wonder if the circumstances would be different if you lived under the same roof for more of an extended time then you did. Please enjoy your MIL!!!
I do not have the same circumstance as you. You can read my story in detail in the posting under true stories about 'white wife's ordeal with Chinese in-laws'.
I know alot of differences have to do with culture (and I try to be understanding of these things), but some of it is definitely behavioral.
For example, if my MIL does not get her way about something she will go through many childish venues to get her way. She will threaten to "disown" my husband if he chooses to stand by me about a decision. She also went as far as to have a friend of hers write a letter that she is "dangerously depressed" and give to my brother-in-law because we all turned down her request to take her out every weekend for an expensive dinner? (we go out with the family and pay a few times a week as it is!) Both my brother- in -law and my husband and I both have new babies and our companies are in their second round of lay-offs (and she knows this. She is extremely well off also and knows we are struggling in the middle of buying our first house and just having a baby). The restaurant she picked to go every weekend is a $30 a plate Chinese/Portugal restaurant, and she requested that her sister in law, MIL and friends go too. Total being 10 people.
So that denial of her request caused her to walk around and ignore everyone for a few weeks and pout. She gets very childish.
Another example is that our baby boy has skin eczema (dry skin , asthma and allergie). She is always trying to feed him something or secretly put Chinese herbs on his face, when we have already told her that he has severe allergies (the wrong thing eaten or put on him could be dangerous to him or cause a bad reaction that I will have to work for days to get under control.) and please not to do that. She gets very offended and called all of the relatives and told them I was "disrespectful" and acted like she did not want to touch our baby for a month.
It is a constant struggle. I try to find things that we can do that will cause some bond with us. Usually if I ask her about cooking (she is a great cook!) or say something to her in Chinese (which is extremely bad, but I am trying!) she will be a little happy.
I am not giving up hope, but I will strive to be more understanding as a MIL myself, I hope.
Hannybunbun
Friday, March 08, 2002 at 06:02:22 (PST)
NEWEST COMMENTS |
EARLIER COMMENTS
|