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GOLDSEA |
ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH ASIAN MOTHERS-IN-LAW
o hear the wives of Asian men talk, they're the mothers-in-law from hell -- tyrannical and nitpicky, with an iron grip on their sons.
The rap isn't entirely unfounded. Traditional Asian culture holds wives to be subordinate to mothers-in-law. Thus women who suffered long and hard under their MIL's thumbs looked forward to the day when they could rule their sons' wives with the same heavy hand. They expected to dictate how their daughters-in-law cook, clean, shop, educate the grandkids and even over how they dress and wear makeup.
These days fewer families share a roof with parents. But old mindsets die hard. The expectations of some Asian mothers-in-law seem to have survived into the new millennium. Their ways seem especially terrifying to young wives who grew up in more laissez-faire western culture. The terror is compounded when the MILs appear to impose old-fashioned prejudices on their sons' choice of mates and the way their wives run the household. Stories abound of how otherwise promising marriages have been killed by the old gal's all-seeing evil eyes.
But are Asian MILs as bad as they say? Maybe they've been getting a bum rap based on the horror stories of the unlucky few. Here's your chance to paint a balanced picture of how awful or wonderful Asian mothers-in-law can be.
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:58:46 PM)
Hi Scaredy Cat,
I have a posted story under true storys here on Goldsea. Actually that is how I found Goldsea because at the time my husband and I were living with his parents and family, and I was looking for some outlet or support to find others that had the same experience as me or get some advice.
My experience was not good, I will be honest, it can be very difficult. My husband was also the firstborn son, and believe me, it took almost 2 years to finally be able to move out. They believed that we should not pay rent for our own apartment, but instead, pay them the rent.
There are many aspects besides just the personality conflicts that can happen and the cultural differences. There are superstitious beliefs that go along with the cultural differences that are also were hard to bear. For example, when we finally did buy a house and move, they were furious that we were moving on a certain day, because the Chinese calender said it was a bad weekend. So, in turn, I was very pissed off because the alternative was to return the moving truck that took a week to reserve, lose the money and not move into our house that weekend, living out of boxes with everything packed, including the babies bed, all because of their superstition, which to them was more of a cultural belief. My husband, who was in the middle, compromised with both sides and we spent one night at their house to appease them and show respect and moved in the next night.
Other things to consider is that you will not have much control over what is cooked, how the house is decorated ,since technically it is not yours, and if children come into the picture, you could have conflict over difference of opinions on how to raise, feed, or take care of your children.
On the other hand, there are positives, I just cannot think of too many at this time, so other people can post them. I have a Chinese friend and she lives with both her husband's family and hers, they all bought one very large house together. She was very nervous about them all living together, but she said since it was a very large house and they were all of the same culture, she thought it might work out okay, and so far it has.
Love is above all, the most important thing, however, there are things that can make very hard feelings between you and your fiance, and I think you are wise to question things and think through. There are other ways your fiance can take care of his parents besides living with them.
I do love my husband deeply and completely , but I know our road would have been smoother in the beginning if we had not lived with the in-laws.
Hannybunbun
Tuesday, April 16, 2002 at 07:52:55 (PDT)
I'm between jobs right now and my father-in-law is suggesting that I move into the basement with my wife there.
Imagine what psycho games of control they can play!
F*** that I'd rather live on my own and deal with it than live in those conditions!
Imagine being a servant for errands for them and taking out the garbage and cleaning the damn house for them because they own a resturant so they have no time to do house chores and I am obligated to clean for them if I live there with my wife.
or the control they will have over my wife, their daughter to do things for them! or work in their resturant since I'm in between jobs and just watching TV I can always work in the resturant to get extra money or FOR them to have free labor!
They may make it sound logical or quite reasonable but I'm too sharp for them to be manipulated. I see right through them.
FThat
Friday, April 05, 2002 at 18:01:53 (PST)
My fiance and I are Asians, but speak two different languages. I met his parents and they are nice and kind. I just don't speak their language so it'll be hard. Anyhow, as the eldest son (in some Asian families), he is still living with his parents. I've asked him if he is planning to move out if we ever get married, but he said he can't because he is the oldest son. He said his parents need him there to help them out. I do love my fiance, but I think I don't want to stick around to find out how bad it's going to be living in the same roof as his parents....
I know it's selfish on my part, but I've heard too many horror stories about the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law living in the same roof.....
I'm afraid to take that chance, because if it goes sour at the beginning, it's hard to forgive and accept what had happened in the past...
If you've experienced any good or bad relationships living with your in-laws, please comment... Thanks....
Scaredy Cat...
Wednesday, April 03, 2002 at 15:49:22 (PST)
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