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ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH ASIAN MOTHERS-IN-LAW
o hear the wives of Asian men talk, they're the mothers-in-law from hell -- tyrannical and nitpicky, with an iron grip on their sons.
The rap isn't entirely unfounded. Traditional Asian culture holds wives to be subordinate to mothers-in-law. Thus women who suffered long and hard under their MIL's thumbs looked forward to the day when they could rule their sons' wives with the same heavy hand. They expected to dictate how their daughters-in-law cook, clean, shop, educate the grandkids and even over how they dress and wear makeup.
These days fewer families share a roof with parents. But old mindsets die hard. The expectations of some Asian mothers-in-law seem to have survived into the new millennium. Their ways seem especially terrifying to young wives who grew up in more laissez-faire western culture. The terror is compounded when the MILs appear to impose old-fashioned prejudices on their sons' choice of mates and the way their wives run the household. Stories abound of how otherwise promising marriages have been killed by the old gal's all-seeing evil eyes.
But are Asian MILs as bad as they say? Maybe they've been getting a bum rap based on the horror stories of the unlucky few. Here's your chance to paint a balanced picture of how awful or wonderful Asian mothers-in-law can be.
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:58:45 PM)
My experience:
My dad is a Nisei, mother was native Hawaiian. My 2 sisters and 1 brother married Hawaiians (my younger sister's husband has a father who is Hawaiian and mother who was born in Japan).
My wife is from Japan. While my dad treats my sister's husband's and my brother's wife with kindness and respect, he treats my wife like shit. "How come you don't cook what I want to eat?!" "How come I have to ask for a change of sheets/towels?! That should be automatic!"
Now, my sister whose mother in law comes from Japan, her brother in law was dating a yonsei girl. Joyce was a fun girl and I like her a lot. However, the mother in law hated her and we could not explain the reasons for this hatred.
Joyce was always kind, considerate etc. My sister's mother in law, under all other circumstances, was a wonder lady as well. So how come the friction?
My conclusion? You take pure Japanese mother/father in laws, and pure Japanese daughter in laws/potential daughter in laws and they get treated just like they should back in the old country, like shit!
Even my wife's mother says to my wife whenever my father gets abusive "Never speak badly about him and always do what he says, regardless".
Needless to say, I never talk to my father anymore.
Kanaka sansei
Friday, July 05, 2002 at 16:30:59 (PDT)
Asian Piranha, you have no right to judge that guy like that. How would you like to live in with your in-laws and have them treat you like dirt, making you do all kinds of errands and making you feel guilty for living free under their roof? I've seen it happen before. No the guy doesn't have a right to walk all over the in-laws Nor do they have the right to do that to him.
me
Thursday, May 16, 2002 at 07:49:06 (PDT)
"Imagine being a servant for errands for them and taking out the garbage and cleaning the...house...or work in their resturant since I'm in between jobs and just watching TV I can always work in the resturant to get extra money or FOR them to have free labor!"
Loser,
Be grateful that your Asian in-laws put up with your ungrateful white ass. I think you should appreciate the fact that they aren't going to let you walk all over them, because you happen to be white, and yet they are prepared to (1) give you a roof over your silly head and (2) a job. Fool.
Asian Piranha
Monday, May 13, 2002 at 07:11:18 (PDT)
I am a WF dating an AM, and his mother is just wonderful to me, she's a generous, nice, caring person. If it weren't for the language barrier I think we would talk a lot more. I was scared to meet his parents at first, because of the bad stories you hear about asian MIL's, but she has never been anything but supportive and happy of her son. I count myself really lucky to have found such a wonderful family to be a part of.
curious girl
Wednesday, May 08, 2002 at 11:08:18 (PDT)
I can honestly say that my AMIL was a saint. She never interferred with our dating nor did she interfere when we first got married. When she would come over she would invite me into the kitchen and show me how to prepare the traditional Laos meals. Even when her daughters tried to interfere she told them to mind their own business. My AMIL had a habit of threatening to "put her foot in your back" if she felt you were a nosy person. When I would feel a bad vibe from others who weren't too thrilled with our interracial union, she would be the one to put me at a place of honor at the family gatherings and hold my hand to symbolize "don't mess with my girl...". She died shortly after her son and I married and even on her death bed she told her son that she was proud of him for his choice of a wife and she told me to take care of her son and to make sure he is well fed. I can truly say that I was one of the fortunate ones to get a AMIL who included me instead of excluding me:).
AM/BF 12yrs. plus
Tuesday, May 07, 2002 at 15:07:14 (PDT)
My Mother in Law is very nice and kind. She also provides daycare for our 2 month old daughter (we pay her though she says she wants to do it for free.) However, one thing she does that I wish she wouldn't do is give me news about her diapers sometimes.
I'll call her while I'm eating a sandwich at my desk and she will say in a LOUD VOICE:
"HELENA DO A BIIIIIIIIIG POOOOOO-POOOOO!!! TWO TIMES TODAY!!!"
Ai-ya! Xiexie-ni Mama Zhou.
Hank Lewis
Tuesday, May 07, 2002 at 10:56:53 (PDT)
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