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ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH ASIAN MOTHERS-IN-LAW
o hear the wives of Asian men talk, they're the mothers-in-law from hell -- tyrannical and nitpicky, with an iron grip on their sons.
The rap isn't entirely unfounded. Traditional Asian culture holds wives to be subordinate to mothers-in-law. Thus women who suffered long and hard under their MIL's thumbs looked forward to the day when they could rule their sons' wives with the same heavy hand. They expected to dictate how their daughters-in-law cook, clean, shop, educate the grandkids and even over how they dress and wear makeup.
These days fewer families share a roof with parents. But old mindsets die hard. The expectations of some Asian mothers-in-law seem to have survived into the new millennium. Their ways seem especially terrifying to young wives who grew up in more laissez-faire western culture. The terror is compounded when the MILs appear to impose old-fashioned prejudices on their sons' choice of mates and the way their wives run the household. Stories abound of how otherwise promising marriages have been killed by the old gal's all-seeing evil eyes.
But are Asian MILs as bad as they say? Maybe they've been getting a bum rap based on the horror stories of the unlucky few. Here's your chance to paint a balanced picture of how awful or wonderful Asian mothers-in-law can be.
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:58:44 PM)
Well Hank,
My cousin-in-law from Belguim, another Dutch girl married to a Chinese man like me, called me on the phone this week for an hour to cry and tell me of her mother- in- law and how she never has anything positive to say about her mothering skills. Her MIl even looked at her and said "Thats not the way to put on a diaper!" How many ways IS there to put on a disposable diaper? We agree there is only one way.
Not only that but she critisizes everything she eats, how she feeds the baby, and never has a good thing to say. I went through, and still go through at times, the same thing with my MIL..but now that Nathan is a bit older the criticism has slowed , as they see what a great smart kid and how well behaved he is. Maybe in the end we will all get some credit somehow.
I have heard that it is the Asian way of showing they care by saying things, yet I only wish that way included a little smile and perhaps some encouragement and praise.
hannybunbun
Friday, October 04, 2002 at 14:03:43 (PDT)
[66.44.66.240]
Hannybunbun:
Ironically, my mom and dad only have praise and wonderful things to say about Julie as a mom. They see the way Helena plays with Julie, the way Julie and Helena relate at home and so forth and think she's one of the best mom's around.
Some of Julie's other Asian friends who are transethnically married have reported troubles with their non-Asian inlaws, but Julie has said she's had "nothing but joy" with my parents. She just wishes her own mom would recognize her merits too.
I will say that my in-laws have been complimentary on my fathering skills, but I'm not letting that go to my head. I love my daughter and will do everything from let her sit on my lap and watch Bear in the Big Blue House at 5:30 AM to changing her cho-cho da-bien diapers. However, I think the only true way to measure my abilities as a father will be shown when she grows into a strong, capable adult woman with pride in her ancestry and confidence in her abilities.
Hank Lewis
Tuesday, October 01, 2002 at 09:54:35 (PDT)
[161.159.4.20]
Hank,
hmm. I think it may be a case of pride on your MIL part and also maybe a generational gap thing. MIL's are always looking for something you may be "doing wrong" with child raising. Doing wrong here means doing anything different from the way they did things.
I think it may hurt the pride a bit...plus she is happy that your daughter clings to her , it probably makes her feel happy she loves her grandmother so. I am sensitive also like it sounds like your wife is, and would be offended if my MIL told me I was not a good mother..or even if she made it seem that was the case.
A problem I have is that my SIL has a baby girl and we have a baby boy..and the PIL really shows how much more they love their grandson more than their grand daughter. This hurts my SIL and makes me feel really bad. My SIL told me it hurts her feelings because the PIL always compares the two. I don't know it is happening at the time always,because I don't understand all of their Chinese, and I know it would not matter if I said anything to them or not.
hannybunbun
Sunday, September 29, 2002 at 08:12:20 (PDT)
[207.172.11.148]
Michelle,
I don't know much about MIL's, but since my mother will be one to some girl someday, I guess my persepctive counts. Yes, they can be very controlling and demanding.
Hank,
Your MIL is joking around, but her comments are also a subtle reminder to the wife that there is always room for improvement.
both these cases show that MIL's want the best for their children/grand-children, even though it seems only their standards are high enough.
huu76
Saturday, September 28, 2002 at 06:56:26 (PDT)
[207.164.88.163]
Hey Hank:
Your wife should know that her parents are joking. That is what you call "Family Bonding" in Asian culture. In black culture it is called "Ribbing or Rapping". Your wife probably got too accultured in the American society to forgot about this important communication skill in Asian culture.
You have to know how to take it as well as give it. If your wife just runs away everytime a comment from her mom is said to her she will only get more of the same from her parents.
What part of China is she from? North or South? I find that there is more ribbing from the South as oppose from the north.
TSU
Thursday, September 26, 2002 at 16:12:46 (PDT)
[199.174.226.148]
I think if she'd said it to me, I'd have just said "Whatever." The reason why I got irked was because Julie--their daughter & my wife--got hurt by it. I think if Julie hadn't been so tired, she would have said "Well, look who's my mom and dad?", but being worn out as she was, she was more vulnerable.
Thanks for the feedback.
Hank Lewis
Thursday, September 26, 2002 at 12:01:54 (PDT)
[161.159.4.35]
Hank
Dont sweat it. Me and my asian mom, joke like that. I do more so than her. Its all good.
SOG
Wednesday, September 25, 2002 at 19:31:26 (PDT)
[216.239.163.209]
Hank Lewis,
Those types of remarks are pretty common in Chinese family.
Like
"Oh why don't you live with us. Your parents will only make you work at home"
Sometimes if they say negative comments directly it is meant like a joke. Because it give you a chance to aquiece and be humble or you can redirect the joke to the attacker "well mom I learn everything from you."
I would be more concerned in a social circle where people make indirect negative comment.
AC Dropout
Wednesday, September 25, 2002 at 10:33:18 (PDT)
[24.90.98.143]
Here's something new which happened between my mother in law and my wife last night which she related to me after I got back from my part-time evening teaching job:
My wife was over at her parents' house with our 7 month old daughter. My mother-in-law provides daycare for Helena and we pay her for it as a courtesy. Helena was sitting on Julie's lap, when Waipoi walked by, Helena held out her arms and grabbed her, refusing to let go. Apparently she was just wanting to be with her Waipoi at that time.
My mother-in-law then said "It's obvious that Helena preferrs me to you. That must mean you're a bad mother." My father-in-law then said "You should be ashamed!"
My wife realized that her parents were joking, but it made her so mad that she took Helena and went home. When I came home I had to calm her down and reassure her that she is a good mother. After Julie went to sleep I fed Helena, changed her diaper and put her to sleep.
I wracked my brains the rest of the evening wondering if this is a common behavior of an Asian mom or dad towards their daughters--to make jokes like that which aren't exactly funny. Anyone have a take on this?
Hank Lewis
Wednesday, September 25, 2002 at 06:26:09 (PDT)
[161.159.4.35]
I totally agree with the editor about MIL, who is asian. I have been dating my bf for 7 yrs, and his mother just being a pain in the ass. She demands everything, $ and time of me and my bf. She thinks she is so pretty and she deserves everything. Hell, that may be true 3 decades ago.
Michelle
cvrfirl@attbi.com
Friday, September 06, 2002 at 16:22:46 (PDT)
[65.212.167.227]
[We aren't stating our view of Asian MIL's, merely setting out the steretype for confirmation or refutation. --Ed]
I do think that it's bad to be living with your MIL. Just because that you had live with them for most of your life and you don't want to bring anyone else, yet, to live with the rest of your family. Maybe there were too many dramas in the house. She doesn't need to know what's up. Let it be.
good one all the way 18
Wednesday, September 04, 2002 at 08:56:34 (PDT)
Congrats to tigerlily!!!.. just curious, but have you ever LIVED with them yet? I am always so happy to hear of truly open minded and loving in-law situations. I think your marriage will be stronger for the fact that she is so accepting of you. I also think you will have more happiness and less stress being around his family.
One tip I learned now for those of us who have less than desirable MIL's and have grown very tired from trying to please smeone that is impossible to please... NEVER give your cell phone number to your MIL, and if you do out of guilt and concern for her.... just make sure you also use the nice feature on it... Caller ID. That can make the difference between a fully planned day with your husband and son being a wonderful experience.. or a trashed and ruined day filled with running unecessary errands, interuppted plans, and her little things that "just cannot wait" and tending to their every whim at that very second.
I learn more and more about how to smile and get along everyday...
hannybunbun
Wednesday, July 24, 2002 at 08:01:52 (PDT)
I guess that I am also one of the lucky ones. My AM boyfriend and I have been dating for over 4 years now and have plans to marry after he gets out of college. I was always nervous about what his parents would think of me, being that he will be the first one of his 3 brothers and sister to be getting married, and to my knowledge one of the first in his famlily to marry a non asian. Well his mother has been nothing but a pure joy in my life. She's told me on many time that to her I am already family. I guess I'm just lucky.
Tigerlily
Saturday, July 20, 2002 at 15:29:37 (PDT)
My aunt would have divorced her husband long time ago if it weren't for her terrific mother in law. Both aren't too fond of him.
good AMIL exists
Wednesday, July 17, 2002 at 14:02:22 (PDT)
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