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GOLDSEA |
ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH AN ASIAN AMERICAN WIFE
he male ideal of domestic bliss? An American home, a Chinese cook and a Japanese wife, says traditional Asian wisdom.
Today's Asian American man would give the nod to the American home and maybe even to the Chinese cook, but would certainly reject the sexist notions embodied in the supposed merits of a Japanese wife -- unflagging devotion to the husband's comfort and pleasure. What self-respecting man wants to marry a servant instead of an equal partner?
And yet Asian American men do seem to cherish fixed notions of the advantages of marrying an Asian American woman. "They're more willing to give and take and not turn every difference into a confrontation," goes one oft-cited reason. "They sacrifice for the future instead of giving in to every whim," goes another. "They devote more effort to raising kids," is yet another. Other qualities ascribed to Asian wives include patience, diligence, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, faithfulness and frugality.
This glowing image of Asian womanhood may be one reason for the fact that 70% of even American-born Asian men marry Asian women.
But now war stories have begun trickling in from the first big wave of second-generation Asian American marriages. Some evidence deep disillusionment with Asian American wives. "All they care about is money and status," grouse some young husbands. "They put their careers ahead of me and the kids," is another common gripe. Others complain, "They expect me to work all day, then do more than my share of the housework."
Are Asian American wives living up to the high expectations? Or are they shattering those cherished notions about Asian wives?
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:51:05 PM)
MLK:
Like I said: I didn't expect my wife to be some kind of a nympho-sexpot because she was Asian American. However, I did expect that like most couples, we would be able to have sex on a regular basis. That's not unreasonable is it?
I normally think a lot of counseling people get is unnecessary, but in this case I know it is. I think her lack of sex drive may be symptomatic of something deeper that she's not telling me. I'm having the devil of a time convincing her that we need to get counseling, because she says that she feels we "don't have a problem." Sorry, but a couple in their late twenties only having sex once or twice a month at best and a wife who has absolutely no interest in it is a problem.
Wish me luck.
WM with a AAF with no sex drive
Thursday, June 27, 2002 at 06:28:33 (PDT)
WM stuck with AF and not getting laid:
I suspect one or more of the following:
1) her vagina is too small for your penis
2) she has negative views or inhibitions about sex due to her upbringing
3) she is not attracted to you and her body is not responding to your advance
Some questions linger in my mind. What are your respective ages? How did you meet her? Do you share values and interests with her?
I feel sorry for you. You need an open and honest discussion with your wife. You might terminate the meaningless marriage. As to your future options, do not rule out American girls, including black women. Also, many Eastern European women seek American men for marriage. In all cases, be sure that you have sufficient sex with a prospective wife before you marry her. You wouldn't buy a car without a test drive. Marriage is an even greater emotional/financial commitment ...
Idiot-savant
Thursday, June 27, 2002 at 06:20:49 (PDT)
The expectations were based on the husbands' experience with their own mothers' playing traditional roles of cooking, etc.
These expectations cannot be met because young AAF are just as educated and career-minded as their husbands. Here in America AA girls were raised to succeed educationally and professionally. The husbands cannot expect the wives to do as good or as much cooking, etc. as their mothers did.
I am not married, but I have reflected upon this type of problem before ... some possible solutions ...
1) with both of you working, presumably on decent jobs, why not hire a maid to do the cooking and cleaning? Instead of the wife directly engaging in these chores, she can effectively "subcontract" the work, paying the maid's salary from her own wages/earnings
2) delay child-bearing until both of you are financially established. She can freeze her eggs; he can freeze his sperms. Even decades later, you two can have biological decendants using gametes of your younger years.
3) move to a smaller house or apartment to lessen the absolute space you two must take care of ...
4) the career-minded wife can appease the husband by allowing the husband to maintain mistresses, subsidized by the wife's earnings ...
Frankly I think the best solution for the man is to seek a traditional wife from the ancestral country or others such as Phillipines, South America, Eastern Europe etc. But be sure to enunciate your expectations to prevent future conflicts...he might also relocate to such countries where possible ...
Idiot-savant
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 at 20:54:55 (PDT)
"WM married to AAF..."
That's definitely a woman thing. That's what you get for marrying a virgin. First of all, you don't get to test drive the car before the deal is closed. So you don't know how it runs. Secondly, virgins in my opinion turn out two ways when they finally have sex at the late of an age. They either enjoy it and crave it(nymphomania would be the extreme of it) and quite often have regrets for not doing it earlier. Or they don't enjoy it at all, are bad/bore in bed, and see it as only as means to reproduce.
My ex girlfriend's sister was like that. She is an AAF married to a WM just like your situation. She saved herself for marriage at a very late age. She's very sexy and beautiful, she even works out twice a day. In their relationship, they have only had sex twice that I could think of and they have two kids! Her husband is allowed a once a month copulation with her but it's a scheduled once a month! Ughhhhhh!
Supposedly their excuse is that he has to leave town for work and only gets to see his family on the weekends.
I think that's the worst kind of sex of all, not out of love, enjoyment, or fullfillment but as a chore. I think it's unhealthy to do it just because it's your wedding obligation. So I don't think your request is unreasonable at all. I think it's your total right for you to enjoy your wife and for her to do the same to you. You two should go see a sex therapist if this problem continues to plague you.
Viet guy in Houston
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 at 16:55:05 (PDT)
WM married to an AAF who has little or no sex drive.
Dude, you could not have described my situation better. I sometimes feel hurt or cheated out of a health sex life. I too waited for my wife and did not have pre-marital sex, even though I could have had it with her or other women. That is because I loved her. I am not a slouch either, in terms of performance or assets. I have tried talking with her about it but it sometimes ends up in an argument ("you want me only for sex" - which does not make sense because I waited all those years for her). It has gotten a little better over the past few months, but sometimes I still want to be touched by a real woman (or women, Ha Ha) that needs me desperately and deeply. It seems that all her friends are like that too (so it may be a cultural and generation thing -as her friends and her are all alike).
NotNowHoney
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 at 13:26:08 (PDT)
Does sex/lust=love? I wonder if what most people call love is really lust. We live in such a society that emphasizes self-gratification and pleasure seeking over everything else. Just this morning I was channel surfing and watched Maury Povich, one of those talk-tv shows. Today's subject was one of those "Who's the father?", where they use DNA paternity tests to confirm if the guy is the father. Of course to add to the tension they announce the results on the show and display what the man's response is. Of course most of the men on the show treat being named as the father like they were accused of murder or some other crime. And when its confirmed they were the father they act like they caught gonorrhea or something. I wonder how would you feel if your father had that reaction when you were born. As for the men who found out they werent the father, they gave the "homeboy taunt" which is throwing down your hands and arms in disgust at the person while smiling. Their smiles look they won the lottery while the women broke down in tears, and even then they continued the "homeboy taunt" while the girl is falling apart. Well sex certainly didnt equal love in this case. I feel sorry for the children, it's not their fault and they'll probably also live screwed up lives, since if their parents dont know what true love, who will teach them. As a note to all you women, one secret that guys do not admit readily is the way that we're physically wired. Men are phyisically equipped with a very active sex drive that's driven hormonally. The closest analogy would be a drug high. When you're going for a high you dont care about anything as get your high. Now dont classify all men as pigs but the worst ones disguise this lust in different ways, or worse yet don't recognize it.
"4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13
1 Corinthians 13
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 at 13:15:09 (PDT)
To, WM married to an AAF who has little or no sex drive;
What was your wife's ethnic? Was she chinese?
Man...
ljakljl
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 at 12:26:26 (PDT)
WM married to an AAF who has little or no sex drive,
Many people have reduce sex drive if they have stress of life style changes in their lives.
A kid will do that.
I knew of female who enjoyed having sex multiple times a day when she was in college. Once she started working I discovered her sexual frequency dropped. Worrying about work and paying the bills does make some women feel unsexy.
AC Dropout
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 at 12:02:53 (PDT)
WM married to an AAF who has little or no sex drive,
Is she feeling pain during penetration? She may need to see a Gynocologist.
AC Dropout
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 at 11:56:19 (PDT)
to WM married to an AAF who has little or no sex drive
I definitely have to agree with HP when she states that "...It all depends on the woman not the nationality!!" Some Asian women are very sexually uninhibited (ok, I'll admit to being one if you're going to tell all about your sex life). And some are very un-sexed. It's not an Asian thing at all. Rather, it's an individual preference thing.
HP
Agreed wholeheartedly. Shopping does not compare to being with a great man.
MLK
Tuesday, June 25, 2002 at 22:12:13 (PDT)
NotNowHoney:
Dude, I feel your pain. I married my wife, an AAF, because I loved her and found her attractive. However, our sex drives are totally different--mine is high and hers is low. I didn't realize this before we got married, because I waited to respect her desire to stay a virgin until marriage.
After we got married, the biggest problem we've had has been our disparate sex drives. Also, her hymen was very thick which made penile penetration very painful for her. I was slow, gentle, provided plenty of foreplay and even used a lot of ky jelly, but it was still painful or uncomfortable for her.
My wife has even initiated sex sometimes in order to make me happy, but when it comes down to having intercourse, she is still physically uncomfortable with penile penetration. This is even after giving birth to a seven pound baby six months ago! I figured that should open her up enough to be comfortable, but no such luck.
I've considered myself lucky when we've had sex twice a month! It's a miracle she was even able to get pregnant given how infrequently we have sex.
It's gotten to the point that I am so used to not having sex with her that I really don't feel much romantic interest in her--not even hugging, kissing or cuddling like I used to. The times we've done it, I know she's done it to please me but that she's not really into it and that does nothing to make me desire her. I guess it's because too many times it's been like starting your car in the garage but never being allowed to drive anywhere. Why bother?
I haven't cheated on her. However, I find myself longing for the feeling of mutual desire with a woman who is able to physically make love with me without discomfort. I didn't expect my wife to be some kind of a nympho-sexpot because she was Asian American. However, I did expect that like most couples, we would be able to have sex on a regular basis. That's not unreasonable is it?
WM married to an AAF who has little or no sex drive
Tuesday, June 25, 2002 at 08:49:22 (PDT)
RE: NotNowHoney
This definately isn't true about Asian women. I'm Asian and Hawaiian and my boyfriend is Caucasian and everything is a whole new world in the bedroom. Its great!!! Most of my friends are full Asians as well, and every single one of them would rather turn down SHOPPING to having sex in every way possible!!! You just gotta find the right one for you.
HP
Wednesday, June 19, 2002 at 13:47:42 (PDT)
It all depends on the woman not the nationality!!
HP
Wednesday, June 19, 2002 at 13:40:39 (PDT)
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