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ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH AN ASIAN AMERICAN WIFE
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:51:03 PM)
he male ideal of domestic bliss? An American home, a Chinese cook and a Japanese wife, says traditional Asian wisdom.
Today's Asian American man would give the nod to the American home and maybe even to the Chinese cook, but would certainly reject the sexist notions embodied in the supposed merits of a Japanese wife -- unflagging devotion to the husband's comfort and pleasure. What self-respecting man wants to marry a servant instead of an equal partner?
And yet Asian American men do seem to cherish fixed notions of the advantages of marrying an Asian American woman. "They're more willing to give and take and not turn every difference into a confrontation," goes one oft-cited reason. "They sacrifice for the future instead of giving in to every whim," goes another. "They devote more effort to raising kids," is yet another. Other qualities ascribed to Asian wives include patience, diligence, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, faithfulness and frugality.
This glowing image of Asian womanhood may be one reason for the fact that 70% of even American-born Asian men marry Asian women.
But now war stories have begun trickling in from the first big wave of second-generation Asian American marriages. Some evidence deep disillusionment with Asian American wives. "All they care about is money and status," grouse some young husbands. "They put their careers ahead of me and the kids," is another common gripe. Others complain, "They expect me to work all day, then do more than my share of the housework."
Are Asian American wives living up to the high expectations? Or are they shattering those cherished notions about Asian wives?
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
Geez, sometimes I wonder if ANY of these white male/Asian woman marriages are healthy. There still seems to be am element of exotic objectification left in these unions, and this leads to unforeseen problems or misconceptions that eventually lead to divorce. Maybe future generation WM/AF couples will be less moronic than some of the idiots who have posted here.
Rolling my eyes.
Thursday, January 23, 2003 at 11:26:29 (PST)
[128.253.186.46]
<>
I'm a 21 year-old hybrid, and I do not appreciate being born a hybrid. Not even because of any racial slurs, but because I don't condone that kind of genetic mixing. I'm "EurAsian" (ha), and unlike a lot of older people who are parents, I'd like to think I have a fresher perspective.
It sucks. And had I the power to prevent my parents from having me, I would do so. My parents don't see anything wrong with it, but I DO. *I* am the result, so I like to think I have some SAY in the matter.
<>
Whatever. It disgusts me when people mix. I'm not saying any race is better then another at all, I'm just saying races shouldn't mix. That's what I'm saying.
I'll tell you what boils MY blood. "Adults" who think they can procreate and not think of the consequences. *I* am the consequence, and I do not appreciate being made so.
I like your comments, "Must get Used to it." I'm with you on this.
Metus
Wednesday, January 22, 2003 at 20:40:54 (PST)
[128.138.85.113]
I am not happily married to my Philipina wife. This has been my biggest upset in my life. Her cooking sucks, she's too conservative and she's a lousy lover. I would not feal guilty cheating on her and wish she'd get out of my life. Next time around I will stay away.
not a happy marriage
Saturday, January 11, 2003 at 19:58:42 (PST)
[64.12.97.6]
I am American and have an asian wife. we have been married for 24 years. Yes there were many difficulties early in our relationship and there are differences in our relationship but thats what makes it interesting. I tried dating and becoming serious with American women before I met my wife but I felt that the girls I met either did not take care of themselves (Physically) or liked to play head games. My wife is demanding (so am I) but that is because she feels we needed to sacrifice for the future, it's paid off in many ways. Now we are happy and content and finally beginning to relax as we near our golden years.
Billyjack
billy6991@yahoo.com
Friday, January 10, 2003 at 05:27:38 (PST)
[211.41.4.17]
as for what 'climbing out of hell' said, i'm sorry he feels that way. However, my wife was more compromising, my korean wife, that is. And she still is beautiful, expressive, charming, polite. all that. Because she has become more american with time. and she still is that token, sweet asian girl that I can show off. I love to make others jealous with her beauty. I do not blame her for anything which was wrong with my life, no relationship was ever 50-50 for me. But I don't want to turn it into an argument all the time. I'm not a king, I'm not perfect either. Perhaps I am a slob. I was looking for a taste of the exotic, and I should be satisfied because it definitely has not been even-keel white-only anymore for me, but has instead broadened my horizons. And I can work around most of the tight-balling she plays on me because I am more intelligent than she is practical, so we just kind of ignore conversations about stuff the other person doesn't understnad and screw the hell out of eachother, thank you very much for reading!
get some love toys prudes
chengzhou7@hotmail.com
Sunday, December 29, 2002 at 22:20:02 (PST)
[64.130.6.101]
I'm a 22 year old canadian man married to a 24 year old japanese woman. Yeah, young, i know. We lived together for two years before getting married and now we're in japan where i'm studying japanese.
I'm as bullheaded as they come, and when it comes to compromise it doesnt mean "yes dear", it means we work on it. She is also strong minded, but we are both patient with each other and this isn't a problem.
my point here is that the unfortunate people here in the forum who have had negative experiences with asian woman; please, its not the fact that they're asian. Please do not forget individualism, and the fact that there are just as many controlling american women as asian ones. I dated my share of girls in highschool and everyone has issues and problems.
Just because many americans (and canadians) have anger management problems, and an anger management problem ruined a marriage, it would not be because the man was american.
Jim (jim@hughsropes.shawbiz.ca)
Jim Young
jim@hughsropes.shawbiz.ca
Monday, December 23, 2002 at 22:48:04 (PST)
[63.51.93.210]
"I'm just saying that if you are that sensitive, perhaps you should have reconsidered what you'd be putting your children thru if you were to have them w/someone not of your own nationality. Again, I'm not saying it's "right", I'm merely saying you could have prevented it."
What the hell is this supposed to mean? This paragraph makes my blood boil. Why does having a child with someone of a different ethnicity mean you're "putting them through something" as if it were some torture you were imposing on your own child? So you're telling Hank that it's HIS fault that OTHER people might make racist remarks towards his daughter? And that he should have "prevented it" by not having children? You are really screwed in the head. YOU must get used to THAT.
Bella
Wednesday, December 11, 2002 at 10:59:27 (PST)
[207.183.118.60]
"Climbed Out of ****" I think you were taught lesson but you didnt seem to learn. From reading your post it sounded like you expected a token wife, unfortunately a human being is much more complicated than that. Before you ruin your next relationship you should analyze what you also did wrong, not focus on what your wife did wrong.
Climbing back in
Wednesday, November 06, 2002 at 12:46:51 (PST)
[63.125.218.2]
Hi Chenaniah, "The bible does not condemn a mistress/concubine.This would allow you to have a fulfilling relationship with your wife and still have your sexual needs met." is actually not supported by the bible. You may have been confused by the fact that in the Old Testament, certain Jewish figures had more than one wife. The reason this was allowed was for the puposes of the Jewish race to procreate, not for recreation purposes. But in the New Testament, where population size is no longer a problem, it is clearly stated that the Christian ideal should be of only one wife. First Timothy Chapter 3.
A relationship with a mistress/concubine, is classified as adultry, which is condemned as sin throughout the bible, Old and New Testament. In Exodus 20:14 it is one of the 10 commandments. Proverbs 6:32" But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself" Proverbs 5. Just to name a few.
Adultery is clearly forbidden in the bible.
Adultery is forbidden
Wednesday, November 06, 2002 at 12:43:11 (PST)
[63.125.218.2]
Asian american wives..? for an american man.. think twice.. and then again..
i married a korean woman during the vietnam era.. she was beautiful.. expressive..kind.. polite..charming... during my tour.. a 'perfect' woman in every way.. this was after all 'where ' i was... in 'her' culture and country.
i did not want to 'leave' her and come back.. it was only a year tour.. we did not go dancing.. we did not talk politics.. just, beauty and kindness..gentleness.. after marrying her and coming to america to live..
after a while.. i forgot to ask myself.. 'what about me?'.. this 'asian pride'... married to her... i had to give up 95% of 'myself'..public speaking ? no!!.. letter to the editor?..no!!... dancing with other women? no!!...reading a 'man's magazine?no!!... swearing? no!!... going out fora beer with the friends ? no!!
have a quiet cup of coffee and drop a few 'beans' on the counter at 7 in the morning with no one in the house ? no!!.. no town meetings.. no public discussion.. every female that visited my home office was looked upon as 'competition'... all asian women have a built in 'gigantic- 'ready to roll' dynamic temper.. (don't call me a liar)... i know!!!!... have to watch them.. have to worry about taking her to business parties..with females coming up to me.. there just is too much of a cultural difference.. an american man... should really think long and hard.. if he is not 'forfeiting' most of himself..and becoming her mental slave.. trying to stay out of violent arguments.. by being submissive.. and that sex thing>.
give me a beautiful caucasian (for me)..
any day of the week.. the asian woman might be 'duty' bound.. and even faithful.. but they do not know how to 'massage a man's mind'.. when he needs it.. i have been married to a korean girl for over 25 years.. finally.. i could not take it any longer..gave her all my assets.money.alimony.. just so i could get back a 'semblance' of who i once was..!!! i almost forgot.. i was divorced as soon as i could take of her financially.. her sons grew.. to do the constant paperwork.. traveling and escorting her everywhere.. doing taxes..
answering all the words she did not know.. i had to escape..i finally did.. at 59 years. old.. it will be good to make passionate love again..i don't even care if i die doing it..it will be worth it.. sign me... climbed out of hell.. mass.
CLIMBED OUT OF HELL..
Sunday, November 03, 2002 at 09:53:14 (PST)
[66.30.215.99]
From a scriptural standpoint, you have 2 options. If your wife is denying you sex, or is unable to give you sex, you can either deal with the issue (for most men this is unrealistic since sex is at the top of the list of male needs) or you can marry another wife (religiously and privately, as in the eyes of the state, a mistress) The bible does not condemn a mistress/concubine. This would allow you to have a fulfilling relationship with your wife and still have your sexual needs met. If she truly loves you, she will allow you to do this without complaint. Her only other alternative is to face divorce. A Sinful alternative but one which she may indeed precipitate if she doesnt deal with her sexual problems and perform her marital due.
Chenaniah
hebraicroots@comcast.net
Saturday, October 26, 2002 at 23:51:15 (PDT)
[68.42.6.44]
I am a 34 yr old White American male married to a 24 yr old Japanese woman. She was always the model Japanese woman in public and I loved that. But she was very aggressive, demanding, and driven in private when I dated her. Her mother was this way too, controlling the entire household--family, finances, everything wince her husband was always at work and never home. Her mother taught her to be just like her. I respect both of them though. My wife acts like the model wife in public and is well respected. At home, my wife is the boss, she runs the show and I don't mind. It's innate in her, this is who she is, and I am merely letting her be who she is. And she is a great boss indeed and I we love each other deeply!
Chris
Sunday, October 20, 2002 at 22:14:48 (PDT)
[172.138.74.49]
Must get Used to it:
Things are not the same as they used to be. I don't know about where you live, but the use of racial slurs and insults is not tolerated in public schools here in Houston. I realize that kids will do things out of earshot of teachers and administrators, but the typical deal is that if it's caught, the kid responsible is put through the wringer because the school districts or private schools do not want to be the target of discrimination or race-based lawsuits.
As for what people do at parties or outside the office, I have found that speaking up about it when someone does it tends to put the offender on the spot, especially if it draws bystanders' attention. Usually it scares the bigot or the idiot into meekness and makes them exit stage left. My point is that if people who are the target of such words (or have friends or family who are the targets) are NOT sensitive about it and do not speak up, it is more likely to continue or to get worse.
Once again, not having a child is not an option in my book. I am happy that I have a child, mixed or otherwise. Yes, I do realize that I will have to raise my daughter to cope with some of this stuff, but the main thing is that nobody should let such stuff pass by and "just ignore it."
Lots of so-called Christians were "just ignoring" the actions of the Nazi government and ended up allowing over 20 million Jews, Gypsies, Russians, Turks and other non-Teutonics to be massacred. Do you think that the Jews who lived in Germany should have just "gotten used to" the way they were treated? Complacency allows ignorance to fester and grow like a cancer.
Did your father or mother not care about how you were treated as a mixed-ethnic kid? Is that why you just decided to be complacent in your treatment? Are you really such a doormat as to allow others to drop slurs in your presence because you're "used to it"? That's pretty sad if you ask me.
Hank Lewis
Thursday, October 03, 2002 at 06:15:28 (PDT)
[161.159.4.21]
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