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ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
LIVING WITH AN ASIAN AMERICAN WIFE
(Updated
Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008, 05:51:01 PM)
he male ideal of domestic bliss? An American home, a Chinese cook and a Japanese wife, says traditional Asian wisdom.
Today's Asian American man would give the nod to the American home and maybe even to the Chinese cook, but would certainly reject the sexist notions embodied in the supposed merits of a Japanese wife -- unflagging devotion to the husband's comfort and pleasure. What self-respecting man wants to marry a servant instead of an equal partner?
And yet Asian American men do seem to cherish fixed notions of the advantages of marrying an Asian American woman. "They're more willing to give and take and not turn every difference into a confrontation," goes one oft-cited reason. "They sacrifice for the future instead of giving in to every whim," goes another. "They devote more effort to raising kids," is yet another. Other qualities ascribed to Asian wives include patience, diligence, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, faithfulness and frugality.
This glowing image of Asian womanhood may be one reason for the fact that 70% of even American-born Asian men marry Asian women.
But now war stories have begun trickling in from the first big wave of second-generation Asian American marriages. Some evidence deep disillusionment with Asian American wives. "All they care about is money and status," grouse some young husbands. "They put their careers ahead of me and the kids," is another common gripe. Others complain, "They expect me to work all day, then do more than my share of the housework."
Are Asian American wives living up to the high expectations? Or are they shattering those cherished notions about Asian wives?
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WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
Its kind of weird. I think I'm mixed but I'm not sure. I'm adopted you see so all I know is that my mom was Korean. I think I'm mixed because I have slightly blond roots in my front line of hair. Also its kind of wavy. In addition, in my baby pictures I had very light, almost brown hair. However it has darkened over time, so now its black. I think that I look a full asian, but occaisonally another asian will comment on how I look half. So I'm kind of confused. I know how you feel Metus. About when I was 12 or 13 I went through a phase of just hating myself for possibly being half. I eventually accepted it though. I guess it was easier for me to accept because I don't look half. I also thought: Hey, Bruce Lee was a fourth German, so I could have kids that look full asian, no problem. Right? So thats how I eventually came to accept myself. I still regret occasionally possibly being half, but since I developed strong roots with my local Korean-American community I don't think about it so often.
I feel your pain though brother, I know that its frowned upon by society, but i harbor a dislike for inter-racial marriages. Why? Because I know that the child of that marriage will have to put up with some very painful identity issues.
KDK
Wednesday, February 19, 2003 at 14:48:12 (PST)
[67.213.169.112]
Metus,
Your thinking is that the human race, culture, and society are static. Unfortunate these aspect of life are not. They will evolve with time. Hence, those who choice to hold onto the past for too long will become extinct. Those that adapt will move on.
From a hard science point of view we are sexual creatures and must breed. To ensure the highest survival rate we are a race that needs genetic diversity in order to overcome the various challenges our changing environment presents to us.
To cause stagnation in genetic diversity in the human race would mean our ultimate demise.
So from a high level concept all human ideas, cultures, or more succinctly, information needs to be shared to ensure our survival. Even genetic information.
AC Dropout
Wednesday, February 19, 2003 at 10:01:38 (PST)
[24.136.115.189]
Metus,
Let me get this straight. Your problem is that you lack identity and you believe that hybrids lack identity.
Well, I don't have a good response for that. I barely know myself. Finding one's indentity is one of the most difficult aspects of life, regardless of race/nation/whatever. One can say that he's Chinese, but what does that mean? Does it just mean that he or his ancestors were born in China? Or is it something deeper? What do you answer when people ask you who you are?
No offense, but you seem to arguing for racial purity. And that is a load of @#!$ There is no such thing as racial purity. How many times in history have countires invaded one another? A lot. The invasions usually lead to a mixing of genes. Therefore, the only people who are racially pure are inbreds.
It is an accident that makes one Chinese, American, or German. One does not choose where one is born.
I hope that you find your identity. I apologize for rambling.
ChuChu
Wednesday, February 19, 2003 at 09:57:00 (PST)
[134.84.114.87]
Wow. Much bigger response than I expected. Ooookay, starting from the top:
Electron - First off, thank you for *speaking* instead of throwing around insults. Secondly, while I disagree with what you've done, as I've said before there's not much I can do about it. I'll get to my rationalizations in a moment, but even though I can't respect you for what you did, I do respect your civility. It's not as if the insults bother me (I've heard them all before, many, many a times), it's just it shows a lack of intelligence.
What I will say though, and this is rather inflammatory I know, is that were it legal and possibly not a sin, I'd probably be killing hybrids left and right. I'm half Filipino btw.
B.E. Verins - Woulda been nice if you summed it all up in one post. Something for everyone: Realize that I'm not trying to bemoan my existence so much as the existence of hybrids in general. Believe me, if I wanted to bitch about my life personally, I could've already written a thesis on that here. I'm simply referring to myself because I know how it is to be a "mud person." Racial purists can bitch about it, but they're not the result, are they? I am. And Hawaii disgusts me.
You can say that I don't know what life is about, I don't really care. That's neither a rational nor debatable point. It's just arrogance. What I will say is you don't know me nor what I've gone through, so I don't think you're in a position to talk. I think I've done pretty damn good in avoiding relationships, for one of the sole reasons being because I am a hybrid. I don't want one thing to lead to another and end up regretting it, so I deal with it as it should be dealt with.
Catherine - Okay. Hell, you're saying exactly what I'm saying. I try not to eat too much or use up much resources because I do realize my life is worthless because I'm a hybrid. I mentioned before that I don't know if killing myself will solve anything. If I can prevent one person, like one of my friends, from avoiding making a hybrid, then my life will be justified. And I think I'm doing a pretty good job debating with them. Birth control and abortions. Dear God, if only you knew how many times I regretted my mother not getting an abortion. I'm with you on that. I should've been aborted. Abortions and birth control for everyone. In any case, it's obvious you're just wildly ranting, so I'll leave you to that.
Azn Boi - Thank you. Thank you for being the first adult who's willing to debate here. Jesus, I was starting to get worried. Actually, I thought "Product of Inbreeding" had an interesting argument (what with how he used my own words and such), but kinda flubbed it at the end when he copied me still being against hybrids.
Nevertheless, here's my rationalization. When two people of different races mix, the result isn't a "Eurasian." That makes it sound like they're both. In reality, they're neither. They are neither Asian nor African nor Caucasian nor whatever. They're a new type of breed. They lack what makes each race *unique* (and please, I'm not talking about stereotypes here. I'm talking about what makes Filipinos Filipinos. The genetics themselves). They become indistinct and grey. Some people argue that they see them getting the best of each race, but I see them as getting the worst (this is from personal observation. I've noted that I've received the physical weaknesses of both my parents, and none of the strengths). They lack the charm that a Caucasian or African or Asian might have, instead becoming a "mud person."
Each race has its own culture. None of them are better or worse, but they are *unique*. They have their own histories and important figures and religions and whatnot. You take that away when you create a hybrid. You take away what makes a person "special," so to speak. You can call their dirty genetics "special," but I see no reason to. You just dilute what exists.
Here's a personal example, since people like to jump down my throat. I find women of a particular race very attractive. I think they're more attractive then any other race, *personally* (it's not racial superiority, just a preference). I've unfortunately seen the mixed result. I have yet to see one hybrid that is attractive. You can say that it's because of my beliefs, but all I can tell you is that I am genuinely not attracted to them. They lose their attractive characteristics to take on, from what I've seen, the unattractive characteristics of both races. Now apply this universally.
Moreover, I believe that every race on the planet should be proud of their heritage. Every race should be. And when I see them destroy their heritage, what makes them "them," that offends me. I don't feel like I'm Caucasian (Canadian, more specifically) nor do I feel like I'm Filipino. I feel like I'm nothing. Indistinct. A grey blur.
I realize humanity supposedly originated all from the same point, except that humans had thousands of years to evolve. In this evolution arose cultures, manners, physical traits and genetic propensities. What hybrids are doing is destroying that. They're destroying thousands of years worth of work. And for the love of God, if a hybrid's creation was more reasoned out then "I want to bang the person on the other side of the ocean," then at least I could try to accept that if not condone it. But it's not.
So what I'm saying is, when you mix, you don't gain, you lose. You *make* them lose their heritage, their history, their culture, their peoples. You wipe out those thousands of years. What gives me the right to think like that? I'd like to believe I have the slightest amount of justification if only because I'm the result. Now here's a question: What gives you the right to create hybrids? And for all you lunatics out there, "BECAUSE GOD SAID SO" doesn't count with me. Rationality, people. Rationality.
Believe me when I say I can continue, touching upon different points. I could even bring up personal examples, although I try not to *only because I don't want to seem like I'm bitching about my life specifically.* Because I'm not. As I mentioned, if I were, I could go into so many, many more things then just mixed genetics. I've spoken for hours and hours a night for years on end with my brother and my friends on this subject specifically. It's something I whole-heartedly believe in.
Anyways, this thing is long ass, and I'm feeling rather ridiculous typing up who knows how much text on an obscure forum on the internet, so I'll leave it at that. I'll try checking in later.
Metus
Wednesday, February 19, 2003 at 00:37:34 (PST)
[128.138.86.165]
Dear MISERABLE ALSO,
No kidding?! Nobody's ever told you that? Why do you think us Asian guys bust our asses off at work all the time? The Korean grocer that works 24/7? The Japanese executive that works 24/7? The Chinese businessman that works 24/7?
Of course, her family isn't going to "help" you out! You're the man of the household! If she's your wife, you better be able to take care of her...financially.
However, if you were an Asian male and your wife was non-Asian, your family would probably step in to help you out financially.
But, since your family isn't Asian and doesn't adopt that philosophy, you can pretty much forget about HER family helping you guys out financially...it just doesn't work that way, dude.
Bottom-line: You're the man, you provide the money, the mortgage, the clothes, the vacations, the food, the kids education, etc.
What else did you expect? Again, when you look at most Asian-owned businesses, those guys work their asses off! Have you ever seen what their daughters wear? Prada, Gucci, LV, etc. Cars? BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, etc.
You want her family to help you out? Dude, it's the OTHER way around.
I'm not even going to bother asking you because I already know the answer. I'm sure her family expects for YOU to help her out. You're the man, right?
P.S.- Why should your wife bring money/income to the table?
P.S.S.- Why should you bear the brunt? You're her husband, aren't you?
Good Luck, Miserable Also
Monday, February 17, 2003 at 15:23:11 (PST)
[209.246.83.76]
I am married to a Chinese wife who is very loving, beautiful, smart and intelligent. This is my best relationship, more than I could ever imagined. She grew up in this country but has the culture heritage from her parents and grandparents. Values and ethics from the Chinese culture.
While her mom and grandmother are somewhat domineering, she is not like them because she is respectful of me. I enjoy and have sex more with my Asian wife than my past relationship. I have been married before to a white female.
The problem with men that had unfortunate experiences need to remember it is important to know the person versus marrying an "ideal Asian wife". Not all races fit into a mold, a typical pattern. There are polished Asians as there are rude ones, loving versus controlling ones. It is more important to know the person as an individual, not judge one on their race and expectations of the behavior of that race.
While I am on the topic, Asians are AMERICANS too so one should not use that term to mean white or black b/c Asians are every bit American as we are. My wife does not like it when one asks her a 'stupid question' like where are you from? She tells them what part of the US she grew up. If they want to know her ethnicity, that is another question such as 'what is your ethnic origin?'. I read a lot of emails in this site - ASIANS are AMERICANS too. Just b/c one's ethnicity shows up more visually than another's, does not mean they are not AMERICAN. Thanks!
Happily married to Asian
Sunday, February 16, 2003 at 11:57:08 (PST)
[65.27.211.35]
Metus,
"And please, spare me the new age "Be Happy With Who You Are" BS. I'm backing my opinions up on rationality instead of "good feelings.""
And what exactly is your rational opinion?
I'm really sorry your unhappy with who you are and no doubt there are aspects of a mixed life that a lot of people who aren't won't be able to understand. However I find this really interesting. What exactly do you hate about being mixed? Give us examples in your life as to how your background has been a drawback for you. Give us some insight into who you are...how old are you, where do you live. Instead of just stating that you hate being mixed explain why it is you hate it. Why don't you accept inter-racial relationships?
Azn Boi
Sunday, February 16, 2003 at 07:17:07 (PST)
[209.226.122.31]
"Get this. I'm NOT going to get married. I'm not a hypocrite. There is not enough freakin money (or love, ha) in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE that would make me pass my mixed genetics on. I would NEVER do that to a child. "
A typical rant of one who is too young to know what life is all about.
B.E.Verins
beverins@aol.com
Saturday, February 15, 2003 at 14:04:59 (PST)
[4.43.251.230]
Hey Metus since you are not planning to pass your genetics around (not to mention bumming everybody out on this board) how about you do everyone a favor by go getting yourself a gun and then kill yourself now since you are so goddamn miserable and you are taking up space for more important people. I tell ya honey, you are the reason why birth control and abortion is legal. And as for my position on mixing ethnicities, I say go for it! We should all screw each until we are one color and then we can hate each other for our personalities and not by the color of our skin.
Catherine
Dholt39934@aol.com
Saturday, February 15, 2003 at 11:13:38 (PST)
[205.188.208.170]
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