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GOLDSEA | YOUR TRUE STORIES

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White Wife's Ordeal with Chinese In-Laws

y name is Hannah, White American Female, and I am the wife of a Hong Kong born Chinese man and now a mother to our beautiful 6 month old baby Nathaniel. There are many challenges of living in a bi-cultural relationship. My husband and I love each other dearly and are solely commited to one another. But boy, their are some challenges that really test the limits at times.
Before we were married I was living a very "American girl" life. I traveled, was a vegetarian, taught some art classes [I am an artist], gave poetry readings, enjoyed music, meeting all sorts of people and have friends all over the US and abroad. I lived a very full and bohemian type life.
After my marriage to my husband, it was clear to me that we would be living with his parents for a 'short time'. This short time has spanned into almost 2 years. During this two years, I have been made to swallow any alive part of my personality and to be made a proverbial doormat. I sit at family dinners and get ignored, and hear 3 hours of Chinese spoken , which I know very little of. His parents both speak fluent English so it would be nice if I was ackknowledged. My husband translates and is very sweet, but I know he also gets exhausted.
Since living here my foods are unwelcome. I eat with chopsticks I constantly have my average american size 10 body scrutinized by his family comparing me to the very thin body of many Asian girls. I am not allowed to disagree with anything and must do everything requested, or am labeled disrespectful and my husband told that he will be disowned if he chooses to stand behind me.
I am constantly put under the microscope for not looking Asian and reminded to "learn Chinese". My art is something stupid and funny to them, as I do not have a "real" job as something like an accountant or real estate agent, as his dad told me before.My Vegetarianism was a source of another thing to disapprove of me for. I gave that up too, during pregnacy after having every kind of meat pushed in my face everyday and being told I was practically abusing my baby by not eating pigs feet.


As much as I embrace my husband's culture and give up my very sanctity of my creativity and who I am to appease them, I still fall short. I never once had one of them ask me what I wanted for dinner. I did not even get to choose our own wedding reception cake.Anythign that is American is inferior. They do not have any American friends nor ever want to explore my culture. I threw my husband a birthday party and my mother-in-law interfered and took over my plans with her ideas and asked me for money for food it was her idea to buy. I have never been asked who I really am, what I like, or what I think about anything. I am something to make fun of, be called disrespectful, and to take up space in a "perfect Chinese household".
My husband is a great guy, and we love each other. He knows how hard it is on me, and tries hard to make things better. But this is just one side to inter-cultural relationships to think about before entering. Know what and where the limitations are and how far you are willing to go to give up your own culture. I won't even get into the battles with my husbands relatives about our baby son. I feel like I am his mother and along with my husband we decide what is best for him to eat, where to sleep, and what the pediatrician says is law with me. They believe other.
The Golden thread to this story is that we move into our own house this month.
Hannah Lee
Jadegirl28@starpower.net Tuesday, January 29, 2002 at 12:57:58 (PST)


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GOLDSEA | YOUR TRUE STORIES

[NOTE TO READERS: This page is closed to new input. You can post new true stories and continue discussions at the new improved Instant Polls & Comments area. --Ed.]

READER COMMENTS

Hi Hannah, I admire your strenght and I guess you really love your husband. I am sure your husband really appreciates your efforts. Being an young asian male myself, I found inter-racial marriage is very interesting, especially it can sparkle with the right chemicals. I guess your in-laws are really the extreme traditional ones. I hope things would be better once you move out. BTW, any single white female out there interested in corresponding with me? :P
lonelyplanet    lonelyplanetx@yahoo.com Monday, December 16, 2002 at 17:11:40 (PST)    [24.114.1.23]
I feel bad for the women that are having problems with their in-laws...
but let's be reasonable here...

Problems are apart of any in-law relationships...regardless of cultural differences...the fact that unavoidable cultural differences are contributing to the problems should make it more understandable...

I am sure that the in-laws are having to make adjustments to you as well...so let's not antagonize them into completely unreasonable beings...

Luck...
YL...    Sunday, December 15, 2002 at 18:45:53 (PST)    [67.241.7.123]
Hi Mia,
Thanks for sharing your story..it seems that inter-cultural relationships always have their own set of challenges..many of these come from the outside...the in-laws in almost every case I personally know. Since writing that letter to Goldsea, alot has changed for me. Yet, I still have my battles and I would say 99% are behavioral from the in-laws, or cultural.

Many things are behavioral and they use culture as an excuse, but I am learning the difference and wising up.

From this forum I have made some great friendships and have email pals from 2 different countries that have almost identical in-law issues as being non-Asian females married to Asian males.

We learn alot from each other and share support and encouragement and solutions that are constructive.

I am pregnant with our second child as I write this and all I can say is hang in there, love is worth it all, that their opinions are only that..just opinions.

And for me, living with the in-laws did not work, but having our own home and family makes visiting and a relationship with them much more viable and happier for me and everyone.
Hannybunbun    Sunday, December 08, 2002 at 14:09:49 (PST)    [216.164.239.84]
Hi Hannah,
i also married a man from Hong Kong. I am from the United States and he is from England. We met through a friend and were together visiting back and forth for a year. His parents never met me before . One day he came to see me and we got married. He called his parents from my house. His mother was livid!! She didnt want to know me or even hear about me. So i decided i had to take it upon myself to go and meet her. I wrote her a letter apologizeing for the way it was done, and explaining to her what her son meant to me. So i did just that, i went to meet her and the rest of the family. The first moment i saw her, she gave me the look of DEATH!! she owns a take out:) I waited upstairs while my husband worked downstairs, until she finally came to speak to me.
She basically told me off! She said what we did was very unforgiveable,and because i am mexican ,she didnt know what i was. She stood there and told me we had to keep this a secret from the rest of the family and that i had to go to Hong Kong and get remarried again , for the grandparents , or i would shame them. I found it hard at first to accept her anger, but realized that its just her fear of the unfamiliar. As time went on, i really grew to love this new family i had been so lucky to have found. I also had to eat with chopsticks all the time, but i found it fun!! i made such a damn mess everywhere all the time (but so did his sister:)) I just thought of it as something new. It also had alot to do with my husband, he is an only son, and i know part of the reason he says they are nice to me is cuz they want grandsons. He has alot of land in Hong Kong, and they are very wealthy people. I know a son is expected from me for this reason. I havent even had a child yet and ive already been told about the pigs feet!1:) His mother tries to take over our lives, but my husband does not allow her to. He has told her that i am what counts in his life as well as his family. Maybe your husband should stand up for you and show his parents just how important your hapiness means to him. Or even more important, how much YOU mean to him! It seems like he's a bit of a coward. No disrespect intended. And hopefully once he does, you'll be able to really see the beauty and the honour of being a part of such a pretty culture. I find it exciting.
Well GOOD LUCK!!! and Take care of You!!
Respectfully
Mia Yau

Mia Yau    andromida1@hotmail.com Monday, December 02, 2002 at 07:21:40 (PST)    [63.208.81.71]
Learning a different language takes time, as I did in learning French. It takes time and money. I tried learning Chinese and discovered that it was really hard so I stuck on French. There are many language computer programs you can find in stores. You can find plenty of good ones in stores who sell music of any kind.

Hannah,

I admire your strength and will to stand up for love.
Young Asian
Saturday, July 13, 2002 at 07:35:04 (PDT)
Hannah and anybody else who's tried to learn to speak Cantonese:

Do you have any programs in particular that you recommend? I just married a Chinese-American man who's parents came from HK. His parents and extended family have made me feel incredibly welcome which I am very grateful for. I'm sorry you're having difficulties with your in-laws. It sounds like you have a good and healthy understanding of the situation. I too think the move will help. I'd like to find a computer program and maybe CD-ROM. Any suggestion would be of great assistance. Thank you.
erin0623
erin0623@yahoo.com Wednesday, May 22, 2002 at 22:15:09 (PDT)

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