White Wife's Ordeal with Chinese In-Laws | Asian Air True Stories

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White Wife's Ordeal with Chinese In-Laws

y name is Hannah, White American Female, and I am the wife of a Hong Kong born Chinese man and now a mother to our beautiful 6 month old baby Nathaniel. There are many challenges of living in a bi-cultural relationship. My husband and I love each other dearly and are solely commited to one another. But boy, their are some challenges that really test the limits at times.
Before we were married I was living a very "American girl" life. I traveled, was a vegetarian, taught some art classes [I am an artist], gave poetry readings, enjoyed music, meeting all sorts of people and have friends all over the US and abroad. I lived a very full and bohemian type life.
After my marriage to my husband, it was clear to me that we would be living with his parents for a 'short time'. This short time has spanned into almost 2 years. During this two years, I have been made to swallow any alive part of my personality and to be made a proverbial doormat. I sit at family dinners and get ignored, and hear 3 hours of Chinese spoken , which I know very little of. His parents both speak fluent English so it would be nice if I was ackknowledged. My husband translates and is very sweet, but I know he also gets exhausted.
Since living here my foods are unwelcome. I eat with chopsticks I constantly have my average american size 10 body scrutinized by his family comparing me to the very thin body of many Asian girls. I am not allowed to disagree with anything and must do everything requested, or am labeled disrespectful and my husband told that he will be disowned if he chooses to stand behind me.
I am constantly put under the microscope for not looking Asian and reminded to "learn Chinese". My art is something stupid and funny to them, as I do not have a "real" job as something like an accountant or real estate agent, as his dad told me before.My Vegetarianism was a source of another thing to disapprove of me for. I gave that up too, during pregnacy after having every kind of meat pushed in my face everyday and being told I was practically abusing my baby by not eating pigs feet.
As much as I embrace my husband's culture and give up my very sanctity of my creativity and who I am to appease them, I still fall short. I never once had one of them ask me what I wanted for dinner. I did not even get to choose our own wedding reception cake.Anythign that is American is inferior. They do not have any American friends nor ever want to explore my culture. I threw my husband a birthday party and my mother-in-law interfered and took over my plans with her ideas and asked me for money for food it was her idea to buy. I have never been asked who I really am, what I like, or what I think about anything. I am something to make fun of, be called disrespectful, and to take up space in a "perfect Chinese household".
My husband is a great guy, and we love each other. He knows how hard it is on me, and tries hard to make things better. But this is just one side to inter-cultural relationships to think about before entering. Know what and where the limitations are and how far you are willing to go to give up your own culture. I won't even get into the battles with my husbands relatives about our baby son. I feel like I am his mother and along with my husband we decide what is best for him to eat, where to sleep, and what the pediatrician says is law with me. They believe other.
The Golden thread to this story is that we move into our own house this month.
Hannah Lee
Jadegirl28@starpower.net Tuesday, January 29, 2002 at 12:57:58 (PST)

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READER COMMENTS

Ms.Kwan
It was a figure of speech when I said I hate it when chinese people hate chinese people you dork chop. It is the feeling I get when mandarin people talk smack about the cantonese.
eat this
Saturday, March 23, 2002 at 17:21:48 (PST)

Ms. Kwan,

You are seriously mistaken in believing that Mandarin is the origins of all Chinese dialects. In fact, according to an article in the New York Times, and one of my linguistics professors in college, Cantonese is referred to as "Classical Chinese". This is because it is a much older form of Chinese which reached its height in the Tang dynasty. Have you ever tried reading Tang poetry in Cantonese? It rhymes much better than in Mandarin.

It is also common knowledge to all except modern-day mainlanders that Mandarin is a "foreign" (read Manchurian, barbarian, etc.) introduced language.

In the early 1900's when the new China (KMT in Taiwan presently) was formed after the fall of the Qing dynasty, there was a vote to decide what the official language of the new country would be. Cantonese lost to Mandarin by 1 vote!

So, Ms. Kwan, please educate yourself about the origins of Chinese before spouting off on the WWW.

Joi geen!
Been There
Friday, March 22, 2002 at 10:01:58 (PST)

I just wanted to share a little story I recalled from college.One day during lunch at the Asian American club a new girl walked in and while introducing herself and describing her background announced that she was from such and such a place in China(forgot the name of the province) which produces the most beautiful girls in all the land. My gf at the time (an HK babe) said 'if they're the most beautiful what the heck happened to her?' I cracked up! On another note I've dated different girls including Shanghai women and I have to admit that they are very unique. They like to talk about their Shanghainess and how different they are in regard to other people.That alone made her stand out.But I have to admit she was very romantic and a good woman. What I really enjoyed about her was that she wasn't shy about her intentions. I think I've only dated two Shanghai women and both were not shy about asking me out. A guy can appreciate that once in a while. Now about Hanna,don't despair as soon as you move out you'll be a world apart from his folks so hang in there.The main reason he speaks Chinese with his parents is not out of disrespect but because that's what they always speak regardless of whether you're there or not. If living with them they don't always (if ever) see the need to break character in this regard. Oh and one byproduct of learning to speak Chinese is that all along the way from learning to actually using it in restauarants and grocery stores, whatever you will find that a lot of Chinese men will try to hit on you since you can speak the lingo!
ABC(Toisanner)
Friday, March 22, 2002 at 07:07:21 (PST)

Slender chinese male amen brotha people were all chinese why cant we stop being prejudice against each other...but the way i was born in chengdu, sichuan.....i often wish we only had 1 language instead cantonese and mandrain and local dialects.....so what if cantonese people were here first were all chinese there no such thing as hong kongese shanghainese or beijiangese or taiwanese were of all one ethnic group Han and are all categorized as chinese...and also people from shanghai are stingy i know i been there where i born people are more hospitalble than those ive seen in shanghai and guanzhou people are very predjudice against those who dont speak catonese....and paranoid thinking every1s gonna screw them over....im 15 i was born raised in the sichaun area until i was 7 i spent half of my life in both countries and those are my analysis of our people based on my experiences and my moms grandparents are from the guanzhou area she also speaks catonese.....i wish we didnt have this bias towards eachother since were all related to eachother one way or another.......and i apologize to those who had bad experiences with chinese parents even though im 15 i had relatives who went through the same chinese parents mothers in particular are especially overlly protective of their sons because well we will carry on the family name and honor, etc.. Chinese mothers are picky of who we marry because that person will have to instill chinese values and beliefs on their spouse and onto their offspring and so on and so on in a endless chain thus with a ultimate goal of perseving the chinese culture our beliefs and values.....
AzNMoFo
Pilotshinjiikaru@aol.com Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 23:57:58 (PST)

Hannah Lee & Been there,

You two should participate in AA gender divide issue and see how some white-washed Asian females prejudice against white females.
FOP
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 18:20:45 (PST)

I am confused with replying to this white wife ordeal with MIL... I dont want to be writing a story!

Okay so here here young hannah...
Oh yeah, wait , HOKKIEN shut up! Tiger dick... are you insulting Hong Kong culture? Hong Kong people are very nice! Take it from a taiwan shanghai old lady!

Eat this,

STOP INSULTING US F.O.P's! You said you hate it when chinese hate chinese... you hate chinese also.

Henanren,

Mandarin is older than cantonese , you know why? Mandarin is the mother language of all the dialects of China, except for manchurian and non chinese languages. The mandarin say it exactly how it is written, while cantonese speak in a easier to say tone with many "ah" and "lah" 's.

EVERYBODY pls dont insult Hannah's husband's culture! It is alright, just that one family is rude!! Dont give up! THEY WILL LOVE YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
Ms.Kwan
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 16:49:34 (PST)

Hi "Been There". Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me happy to hear of different ways of learning about how to deal with in-laws and those of our shared cultures of our husbands. I found it wonderful that you can speak Mandarin and Cantonese also. I am learning Cantonese still, after taking Mandarin lessons, but Cantonese is the primary language spoken in the household.
Money is not an issue in the point of living with the in-laws. We still pay full rent. They just believe that they should get the rent instead of a landlord. Privacy is never an issue with them, as they do not believe that you need any, as everything is pretty communal.
I was working a full-time job as a Corporate Assistant to the VP here until well into my 9th month of pregnancy. It is just that being an artist is my true career, and one that has brought me many years of financial support, a build of clientele, travel and published success after years of hard work and pursuit in my field. After having the baby, I now am being a stay-at-home mommy and continuing my art career, where my husband and I are turning the basement into my own studio so I can sell from our new house(I also sell wholesale to galleries in many major cities). my husband is very proud of my accomplishments and never had a problem with my being an artist, as I am also proud of his business ventures. Our closing on the house was delayed, but finishes next week, and thus we will be moved within 2 weeks.
I have been getting along much better with my in-laws recently. Alot has to do with how they are seeing how I am learning Chinese, and also grandchildren can do wonders for family love and harmony, even with cultural differences.
I learned though to try to distinguish which things are cultural and which things are strictly behavioral and that sometimes things can be both.

Hannah
Thursday, March 21, 2002 at 13:59:02 (PST)

Hannah,

I, too, am a Caucasian woman engaged to an ethnically Hong Kong Chinese male. He refers to himself as a plain American, by the way.

We have been together for almost 8 years and will be wed within a year. In the beginning, his parents, especially his mother, tried to pull similar b.s. on me. "Gwai mui"'s were supposedly lazy, wild, rude, etc. I was a shy, polite, honor student, who always helped around the house. After taking a sincere interest in learning Cantonese, and after excelling in several years of Mandarin classes in my undergraduate years, I feel more Chinese than American sometimes. My fiance and I have switched roles to a certain extent!

I've noticed that in all of his extended family, even in HK and on the mainland, the men have been extremely friendly, talkative and nice to me right from the get go. Now, I feel comfortable and accepted by family of both genders. I believe the women were more reserved at first because of prejudiced, incorrect preconceived notions, and also perhaps because of jealousy.

Even his amah and pou pou both love me now. Once I was sick and decided to stay in his pou pou's flat in HK instead of going out, and she had some old ladies over to play mah jong. One of the old ladies was talking about me in Cantonese, thinking I didn't understand. She basically said that "say gwai mui" (stupid white girls) were very troublesome. In perfect Cantonese, I asked her to repeat herself. After the look of shock cleared, all she could utter was "mo yee see". Well, later that evening when my fiance and his mom came back to the flat, my grandma in law had a great time laughing and recounting the story to them. Apparently that little old lady had embarrassed herself thorougly.

Anyway, I guess my point is, that you need to learn Chinese to stick up for yourself. Yes, your husbands parents do sound rude, uncaring, disrespectful, and uneducated, but your husband should defend and protect you. Also, get out of their house ASAP. As long as you are dependent on them, you are at their mercy. That is true of people in any culture. And continue your interest in art, but if your husband doesn't make enough to support you and Nathaniel on his own, get at least a part-time paying job. It's the least you can do.
Been There
Tuesday, March 19, 2002 at 16:05:46 (PST)

Hi Hokkien,
I don't want you to categorize all Cantonese people as having a particular "trait", however, I completely agree with you on many of your other points. Okay, in fact I found alot about your posting true and funny as hell!.
Yes, I do see a definite "blood is thicker than water" attitude with not only my husband but his brother and the whole lot of the family.
I have pointed out the obvious to my husband that I am , in fact, his family now also, and actually, along with our son , we are his IMMEDIATE family. He maintains that he believes this also, but I must say that actions sometimes DO speaker louder than words.
My sister-in-law goes through the same thing with her husband when his parents request her to do things for them . He won't stand up to them and side with her , 9 times out of ten. It causes the most arguments in their normally very happy marriage.
I have told my husband about my unhappiness, and he has begun to send his resume out of state for jobs. In the meantime I give him credit for buying a house for us that is at least 30 miles away and telling me that we will only see them once every 2 weeks. I told him once a week is fine with me, because I want our baby to continue to know his grandparents and for us to maintain a relationship with them. I actually think the relationship will improve upon moving.
I thought the tiger dick remark was hilarious. The fact that my MIL still continued to try to put things on our son even after me and my husband told her about the dangers because of allergies he has, was the thing that made me the angriest of all. After a "polite" confrontation with her personally with me, she no longer does that. But I had to hear about my "disrespect" for months from my husband's relatives, and truthfully, it got very tiring.
I do not think it should be a "requirement" for me to learn Chinese. Even my Chinese sister-in-law thinks it is ludicrous, but I am trying to learn because our son will be bi-lingual, and I do not want to raise a child that I don't know what he is saying around me. It is also because I still maintain an interest in my husband's culture also.
I agree that I need to take responsiblity and not be a doormat to them. They cannot hide behind culture as an excuse. This is something that has stood the test of our marriage, but I agree that it has done damage and caused hurt feelings along the way. Cultural differences are one thing but being seen as an equal no matter what culture you are in a marriage, is something that is a priority.

Hannah
Monday, March 11, 2002 at 09:46:29 (PST)

proud to be asian

your right, you are hong kongese, all you hong kong people think that your the centre of the world, how about the inlaws ask about hannahs life and learn better english and how to eat with a fork. She dosent HAVE to learn chinese and she dosent HAVE to eat with chopsticks, i find her story very annoying in the fact that i feel she is being treated like shit. Hannah you need to stand up to your inlaws and take a strong stance with your husband on this matter. maybe even show him this site and make him see that his parents are treating you like dirt. If you MIL puts and does the silent treatment then let her, shes just wants you to go crawling back to her. make her feel that shes not needed therefore it will burst her bubble. If she trys to feed the baby with herbs and tiger dick or whatever you need to say, HEY! i told you to get that crap out of MY babys face! this is MY baby and I will look after him! I think your husband is a little at fault here, i know these hong kong people blood is definately thicker than water for them, which means if he had to pick between mummy who brought him into this world and worked so hard so he could get a good education, between wifey, i think hell say bye bye wifey or hell say put up and shut up. Tell your husband your unhappy, my prediction is that your marriage will end in seperation if this continues. You need to move to a different state from your MIL. dont do things just to please them or else theyll look at you like a brown nosed slave.
HOKKIEN
Saturday, March 09, 2002 at 09:17:46 (PST)

Hannah,

I am so sorry to hear about the poor treatment you have received at the hands of your inlaws. I am not surprised at the description of life with your in laws. Some Chinese people are bigoted, stupid, and extremely prejudice. My parents are Hong Kong chinese and I know how some of them can be.

I only hope that you experience with you in laws has not affected your views of Chinese people. I also hope that you marriage is alright. Your experiences must have cause some strain between you two.

I sincerely hope life is better in your own home.
forge23
Monday, February 11, 2002 at 14:27:45 (PST)

FOP, you are correct, this is about Hannah's story. I tried to be polite about my replies but I can see it is futile. Replying to Shanghainese's comments is like talking to a wall. This person is the Chinese equivalent of the KKK.

Anyways, Hannah, applause to you for making efforts to learn about your husband's family and culture. I'm sorry it was not reciprocated and that is the rudest part of it all. I am a bit puzzled as to why your husband did not intervene on your behalf. His family may mean a lot to him but he needs to have loyalty to his wife as well!

Good luck with your now independant household!
Slider, Chinese American male
Wednesday, February 06, 2002 at 17:20:22 (PST)

We should not be debating about 'Shanghainese'. This forum belongs to Hannah. Let's ignore Shanghainese. Hannah, one last tip from me. Don't let your in-laws interfere your upbringing of your child. Take advice from them, but don't let them meddle with it.

FOP (A HK Born Chinese)
Tuesday, February 05, 2002 at 09:22:03 (PST)

Shanghainese

Sigh, When do Chinese people learn the lesson of intra-racial harmony among themselves? Sure, elegant Mandarin in refined Shanghainese dialect, huh? You probably don't know how the Beijingese laugh at that stupid 'elegant' accent of yours.

FOP (A HK Born Chinese)
Tuesday, February 05, 2002 at 09:06:50 (PST)

Stereotypes of Shanghainese are that we are arrogant. Maybe so. But it is only because we have a right to be. We represent the best that China has to offer, we are one of the most sophisticated, sharpest, talented people not only in China, but the world. The next twenty years will see Shanghai shine to become a city that will rival New York or London, forget Tokyo, that's old news. The Japanese can't beat us Shanghainese. Shanghai will again be the center of Asia. Even the Yangzi delta region has always been the most refined and educated. The cities of Nanjing, Hangzhou, Suzhou produced the best literary figures and artists.

Anyways, the reason I have much disdain for the Cantonese was because when I was growing up in America amongst Cantonese, I was often picked on because I was from mainland China. At the time, mainland China was just opening up, and was still much poorer than HK, so they often belitted us mainlanders. But when I compare their habits and culture, it was obviously far INFERIOR to our culture. The Cantonese are not very sophisticated and when they have money like some HK people, they are like newly rich white trash. They don't know how to act or live like educated, refined people. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen rich HK people act like rude, uneducated trash in public, it is embarassing I tell you! And this is the best that that has been city HK has to offer?

To the guy from Luoyang. The reason why Shanghai was poor was because of those Communist policies that drained our region. You see, us Shanghainese have never really liked the Communist policies, and it doesn't suit our flamboyant, entrepreneurial and success-oriented culture. Most of the Communists were from backwaters in central or Northern China. Communism fits the Northern Chinese, who although are taller and bigger, are not very smart, or even sharp. In fact, Communism suited Northern China because the people are not very entreprenurial and are simple minded. But at least they are not loud and annoyingly noisy like the Cantonese, who combined with their small stature and unattractive aborigine-like facial features are like little chihuahuas screaming about. But Northerners are good at being told what to do, how much to do, and when to stop, like big cattle or farm animals. Must be too much of that barbarian blood in them.

Go ahead, hate us Shanghainese, but it's only because you know we're the best and are jealous. I don't even want to imagine what China would be like without us.
Shanghainese
Monday, February 04, 2002 at 21:58:29 (PST)

shanghainese if a cantonese restaurant is so bad why don't you go to a shanghainese restaurant in china .By the way your shanghainese food taste like taste like crap. This guy probably been in america for five years while the cantonese and the toison chinese has been here 150 years plus.
player hater with kobe II
Monday, February 04, 2002 at 11:30:20 (PST)

Hi, This is Hannah, that was my original posting. I appreciate the advice, replies, and the fact that my letter opened up alot of conversation . I would like to clarify that I do take Chinese , I have taken Mandarin classes [speak and understand only very basic things] and even went as far as paying a Chinese high school student to tutor me in Cantonese. I could no longer afford that, so I now have a Cantonese CD Rom I use and compare notes with my husband. I also know how to use chopsticks, and enjoy it at times, but from the beginning, have been actually told I need to use them, even though my culture is to use the fork. The problem is my culture was never considered and I was never gven a choice in the matter.
As far as one readers comment on my work status. I am a fulltime mother [a very underated position] besides being a professional artist, who has worked and supported myself in this field through college inot my career years. I do not see putting down any sort of job. Being an artist is just as important to me as being a business man is to my husband.
As far as living with the in-laws, it is not out of necessity finacially. They said that if we are going to pay rent someplace, they might as well be getting the money. The only way out of that nightmare is that we bought a house [alhtough they insisted on going with my husband and picking it out without me].
I show interest in my husbands culture continuously. I can tell you my in-laws full names, their Chinese names, their childhood stories, how they met and married,what my father- in -law did in Hong Kong as a job, their best friends names, when Chinese New Years is, etc. etc. I know this because I pursue them and ask. They have never asked me anything about me nor my culture.
I think that is what makes me feel the saddest. Because I want our little boy to embrace both cultures, and not be made to feel inferior by being part white also.

Hannah Lee
jadegirl28@starpower.net Monday, February 04, 2002 at 06:00:06 (PST)

The comments about the differences in northern and southern Chinese culture based on restaurants is inaccurate. The reason being is that it depends more on the class of restaurant you are at. Upscale restaurants will have polite, courteous, and refined service because you pay for it. Lower class restaurants may be loud, boisterous, and with less than refined staff members. It all depends where you go and what you pay for. You'll find that in ANY culture you encounter. This was an improper example for Shanghainese to use.

We can sit here and debate on whether Cantonese or Mandarin sounds better, or which sounds vulgar, etc until doomsday. It's futile. They are separate languages. End of story. Who's to say which language sounds better? There isn't an answer, only opinions! Heck, we share the same written language. And thank God for that, otherwise I don't know how all the dialects in China would manage.

As for whether or not Cantonese are Chinese or not, yes they are. They just speak a different dialect. Just because someone speaks a separate dialect, they are not supposed to be included in the nationality? Doesn't work that way. For exmaple, look at all the dialects of Arabic. Despite that, most of them would identify themselves as an Arab.
Slider, Chinese-American male
Monday, February 04, 2002 at 01:31:37 (PST)

Shanghai pengyou,

It is attitudes like yours and other Mandarin speakers that makes the people of Taiwan clamour for independence. Why does being Chinese have to only fit your definition of only being able to speak Mandarin?

Also, the Cantonese people in America sometimes have stuckup attitudes of their own. Many of them are born here, 2 or 3 generations. Some of them do not or refuse to associate with FOBs of their own group, not to mention other dialect groups.
Taiwanese
Sunday, February 03, 2002 at 21:08:24 (PST)

Hannah,

I understand where you are coming from. I am a 3rd generation Chinese American guy married also to an Anglo. Frankly, I envy you. Not that your in-laws treat you bad or anything, but because you have continuing contact and interaction with them. Trust me, the better days are ahead for both of you. Just give it some time and understanding.

In me and my wife's case, we have not been able to see or speak to her parents since we were together. Not after 13 years of marriage and 2 kids. Yes, she got disowned by her parents for marrying me, a Chinese Asian man. I have always encouraged my wife to pick the phone or write letters to her parents, but she has told me that she knows who her true love is. I couldn't be more happier. Yet, I still foresee and pray for the day she will patch things up with her parents.

Needless to say, I have no hate for them. My wife gets along fine with my folks and she considers them to now be her "real parents." My parents understands her dilemma and have been very supportive and accomodating to her every needs.

Life is too short to be hating. My 2 little kids have yet to see or find out who their other 2 grandparents are. The day will come someday for them to know the truth. But, now it is just so painfully hard to break the truth to them at so young an age.

Please know that family is the essence of our life and existence. Now matter how bad or how hard, it is still family that counts and matters.
Thomas Woo
Sunday, February 03, 2002 at 19:05:43 (PST)

shanghainese:

sounds like you haven't been able to afford going to the classier cantonese restaurants. i'm not sure about the shanghainese population here in the u.s., but the cantonese population is pretty socioeconomically diverse. there will be those that are poor and live by perhaps different social norms than you. nonetheless, your act of labelling them as 'uneducated' hardly makes you a classy one.

btw, about 90% of the cantonese population here speaks mandarin as well. this is also true for the cantonese in hong kong. where are you getting your facts?
penelope
Sunday, February 03, 2002 at 18:12:29 (PST)

Shanghainese,

I didn't wanted to respond to you because your type of talk is typical of people from your region. I am from Luoyang (in Henan) and was once a police officer in Beijing. I was forced to move to Shanghai during the Mao's purges. I thought I would be in China's most developed cities. Little did I know that I was living amongst the most conniving, fake, materialist, untrustworthy peoples in all of China. Just thinking of all the thieves I met in Nanjing Jie and Huangbao Jiang, too many to count. The people there are dirt poor, but think they are living rich.

Later, I was reinstated and moved with my family in Henan to Guangzhou. At first I had stereotypes of Guangdongren (Canton people) too. I assume they did of the laosungtao (northerners) too. Later I picked up their dialect. I spoke with an accent, and I am sure Guangdong people might have considered my Cantonese speech vulgar and rude too, but not only did they not feel disdain but they actually accepted me more as one of them as I spoke to them in Guangdonghua. Sometimes, if my Cantonese was so bad that they would switch to Mandarin to accomodate me. In Shanghai, I also learned the local language (which is different from Mandarin). But, those people of Shanghai would just ridicule me and say I was a bumpkin from the outer provinces. No matter, how acculturated you are in Shanghai, if you are an outsider, you are always an outsider. I heard people tell me that they even treat rich businessmen from Hong Kong, Taiwan and Singapore in the same manner. Pity these people.

Later I went to Hong Kong and met some of these same Shanghainese. They would go to Hong Kong and bespeak their jealousies. They would say that the weather is too horrid, that buildings in Hong Kong could match the elegance of European styles in Shanghai. I think buildings in Hong Kong is much modern looking compared to the older, drabby ones in Shanghai. Shanghainese migrants in Hong Kong would also comment that Hong Kongers do not know how to live like people in a rich, modern metropolis would. Of all the different regional Chinese migrants in Hong Kong I met, the Shanghai ones were the only ones who refused to fully acculturate and adopt Guangdong dialect.

You have to understand that to understand a people, you should first understand their language. Canton people are not fake, but easily excitable. Of course, you cannot communicate with the waiters if you do not speak their language. I heard Cantonese friends tell me that they felt uneasy eating in a Shanghai restaurant because of cool treatment.

I am a native Mandarin speaker, and think Cantonese is worthy of respect simply because it is older. If you try to read Tang Dynasty poet Li Bai's poem in Mandarin, it is impossible and not as smooth. In Cantonese, they read it as if it was a song and you hear it coming out from their hearts. So, if you say they are vulgar, they counter that we are just as vulgar for speaking a non-Tang language.

All the Chinese north of Shanghai do not have good feelings for Shanghainese either simply because of their arrogance and fakeness.
Henanren
Sunday, February 03, 2002 at 17:18:12 (PST)

shanghainese has to take his F.O.B. ass back china.As for cantonese people being rude and uneducated I graduated magna cum lauda.I hate it when chinese people hate chinese people but I still have love for you brother no matter how much you hate cantonese chinese.
eat this
Saturday, February 02, 2002 at 10:12:39 (PST)

marrying a person of a different ethnicity can be similar to marrying one of a different religion. if your husband were catholic and you were not and his in-laws treated you as inferior because of this, i would hardly call it disrespectful. they definitely wouldn't be the most tolerant of people, but it still would be understandable.

cantonese people can be really superstitious. when your mother-in-law wants something her way, it's probably because she truly believes in her heart that it's for the best, and not because she's trying to spite you or is inconsiderate.

still, i have to give you props for eating the pig's feet =) that stuff is yummy, though.

i know that it can be difficult, and you may have experienced culture shock...but you may want to give chinese culture a chance. have fun with it...don't feel too self-conscious. elderly cantonese people can be very wary of strangers at first, but once they grow to trust you, they're the warm people. you'll see.
penelope
Friday, February 01, 2002 at 17:23:52 (PST)

I knew I would offend some people with my comments, but both of us know there is definitely some truth to what I am saying. You can simply see the difference when going to a Cantonese restaurant and a Shanghainese restaurant. In the cant. one, the waitors are screaming over your head to each other in noisy, rude cantonese. They don't interact with you, just throw some dishes in your face.

Not so with Shanghainese, we are a refined and educated people. The waitors and manager is often around. You can chat cordially with them, remark on the dishes, and fromt eh decor, you can see they have put much time and effort in presenting an elegant environment. Plus, the Shanghainese dialect, and mandarin is much more pleasant than the vulgar cantonese language.

Anyways, how can I really expect to feel that the Cantonese are similarly Chinese to me when most cannot even speak mandarin! This is pretty ridiculous, and even the ones that can communicate in Mandarin do so with a unpleasant and vulgar accent.
Shanghainese
Friday, February 01, 2002 at 16:00:22 (PST)

Hello Hannah,

Much of what you have experienced isn't due to your race. My wife is Chinese and she has gone through similar ordeals with my mother.

Your story caught my attention because my wife is also a vegetarian. However, I am quite different from your husband in that I fully support her vegetarianism. In fact, I will allow no meat of any sort in our household. Not only can my wife eat the way she wants, but also she doesn't have to put up with the smell of various kinds of meat, nor does she have to handle meat in any way. If I want to have meat, I'll just eat at some restaurant by myself. It's really not a problem for me, and it's what I want to do for my wife out of love.

I apply the same consideration in protecting her from my mother's domination. If she wants to do something in a certain way and my mother disagrees, my wife will tell her it's my idea, and I will back her up. That's usually the end of the argument.

The man in such a relationship has to be a real man, and he must establish this from the very beginning. For instance, my mother wanted to interfere with our wedding plans too, but I stood firm. I even ended up doing most of the planning myself. It was the same with house-hunting. My mother wanted to meddle, and again I had to stop her. It wasn't easy to toe the line, but I learned that it was possible to be firm in my own (and my wife's) preferences and yet still be a good, loving son.

I've found that consideration goes both ways. Prior to my marriage, I had a White girlfriend and we were considering matrimony pretty seriously. Even though it didn't work out in the end, when we were together I appreciated the fact that she learned simple Chinese phrases in order to communicate with my parents better.

To White females who may be reading this: Please be aware that different Asian guys will handle the same in-law problem differently. I believe it's important for your man to stand up for you and be strong for you, and this is something you definitely want to establish before a lifelong committment. In the long run, my approach actually promotes overall harmony and happiness for everyone. If you are contemplating matrimony, it may help for you to share my experience with your significant other. Good luck.

Ideal Asian Husband (yep, that's me)
Friday, February 01, 2002 at 09:51:56 (PST)

Shanghainese, lets not go there and start polluting that you been Shanghainese is good and others been Cantonese is bad.
Not all Cantonese are rude, insulated and very uneducated. This world got enough problems and dont need more. Are you not Chinese?

Back to Hannah. I may know why your in-laws act that way. They felt since you dont know enough about Cantonese history to pass it to your son.

I am Hong Kongnese too. So please dont think all Hong Kongnese are like your husband. You do need to do learn Cantonese, eat with a chopstick, and learn a little Cantonese cooking. Go online and find Cantonese recipes or buy "Yan Can Cook", a Cantonese Cookbook in English by Martin Yan.

I didnt hear your story about how your parents and family members treat your husband. So I hope they like him.

We(speaking only about my family) like the non-asian friends to know our Chinese histories and stories. So ask your in-laws about their young life, like how they met and how was their life and what they missed from Hong Kong.

I feel ashamed that your husband didnt chooses to stand behind me. I know I would talk and stand behind my wife. I would make my parents understand.

So learn Cantonese by asking how to say this and that. Buy a learning tape in Chinatown or something. It will be the hardest thing to learn. I am talking about learning a Cantonese. It would make your in-laws happy and you happy because you can go to Chinatown and surprise everyone you can speak Chinese. You will begin to understand and join the conversation. There is nothing wrong if they choose to speak Chinese but it is wrong when they did it in front of you.
Learn a few cusses too so you can speak your mind when you are angry.

A good life is hard to achieve but it is what keeps your life interesting.

Proud to be an Asian male.
Thursday, January 31, 2002 at 21:16:59 (PST)

Hannah, first off I want to say how disappointed I am that your in-laws label you disrespectful when they are being hypocrites and being disrespectful to you.

I've seen these cases many times spanning many cultures: Irish/Italian, East Asian/White, Black/White, Persian/White, and the list goes on. If they are so "respectful" how can they justify treating you like that?. I'm assuming you made efforts to learn your husband's culture and it was inconsiderate of them to ignore yours. Marraige makes changes, that's a given!

In response to someone's earlier comment, I have met plenty of rude, inconsiderate, and ill-tempered northern AND southern Chinese. And many who are not. It depends more upon how they were raised and obviously, Hannah's in-laws were raised by tools. Northern and southern Chinese, in general, seem to get their rocks off saying they're better than the other.

At least now in your own household, your husband can now turn the tables on his "traditional" parents and threaten not to take care of them in their old age if they do not respect you.
Slider, Chinese American male
Thursday, January 31, 2002 at 18:25:18 (PST)

Shanghainese

Ah, calling yourself Shanghainese instead of Chinese. Who is imposing 'insulation' on himself? That surely sounds very 'educated'.
FOP (A HK Born Chinese)
Thursday, January 31, 2002 at 12:43:23 (PST)

Hannah,

it's too bad that your in-laws are so close-minded and rude to you. i'm sure you realize that they certainly do NOT represent the majority of Chinese families. of course when you marry someone, especially someone of another ethnic culture, you inevitably give up a little of yourself to absorb and understand your partner. this assimilation should work both ways, naturally. Chinese in-laws, unfortunately, can be particularly domineering (from the husband's side). i'm sorry u had to run into one of those families. good luck with the new home!

as far as an earlier comment by one of the readers, i'm disappointed that he would target Cantonese people and label us as "quite rude, insulated and very uneducated." i won't stoop to your level and bash fellow countrymen.
Joono
Thursday, January 31, 2002 at 10:23:59 (PST)

Sister,

I hate to be rude, but sounds to me like you need to learn some Chinese and learn how to use chopsticks.

The two of you need to work on finding your own home so you can develop a better marriage and get the in-laws out of your freakin' business. This business about your husband's parents disowning him when he sides with you is bullshit. What? Is he suppose to side with them and leave you in the cold? I don't think so. In fact, we're not havin' it!

Having said this, I do think it's pretty rude for the three of them to speak Chinese most of the time when you're at the table even though they know English. That's selfish, inconsiderate and inhospitable. Don't know who raised them, but they need some lessons in etiquette.

Just be glad you love your husband and he loves you. Remember, no one can stop true love. Not even parents.

Not to offend you, but you need to go look for a real job. Being an artist is a good hobby, but you need employment - a real paycheck. If the two of you are pulling in moderate incomes, you can get some space for yourselves and nurture your relationship.

That is all.
Geoff DB
GeoffDB02@aol.com Wednesday, January 30, 2002 at 20:59:02 (PST)

Hannah,

All I can say is put this ordeal behind you and look forward to the new life with your family in your new home.

On the other hand, I wonder what the life is like for those Asian women who are married to White men. Have they ever faced the same ordeal as you did? How willing were they when they were made to give up their Asian culture?
FOP
Wednesday, January 30, 2002 at 17:58:22 (PST)

Comment to White Wife's Ordeal with Chinese In-Laws
You did the right thing, MOVE OUT! I think in-laws of ANY race can only be taken in small doses. Of course an inter-cultural relationship is FAR worse. But stick it through. I'm sure your husband understands what you go through and will try his best to reason with his parents. Heck, I do that too, though sometimes, I do admit they are beyond reasoning. Good for you for standing by your husband however.
Thanks,
Kevin Yang
Wednesday, January 30, 2002 at 12:50:13 (PST)

I am sorry you have to live like this. It seems that your in-laws are not very educated or tolerant at all. I am Shanghainese, and it seems to me that many Cantonese I have met are quite rude, insulated and very uneducated.

I also have a white american wife, but she is welcomed to our home. My family treats her well, and they get along great. She often contributes American dishes to our meals, and is often asked of her opinion. She thinks the highest of my family, and constantly remarks how polite, open-minded and educated they are. I am so sorry that your in-laws are not the same.
Shanghainese
Wednesday, January 30, 2002 at 11:20:31 (PST)

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