ASIAN FEMALE/ AFRICAN AMERICAN MALE RELATIONSHIPS
(Updated to reflect the 100 most recent valid responses.)

Assuming you are an Asian female, what most attracts you to African American males?
Their facial features | 45%
Their physique | 12%
Their attitude and personality | 32%
Their education & cultural values | 11%

Assuming you are an Asian female, what most dissuades you from relations with African American males?
I don't find them physically attractive. | 1%
I don't find their personalities and attitudes appealing. | 13%
I don't think they would find me attractive. | 64%
I'd rather not deal with the disapproval of family. | 23% 		Assuming you are an African American male, what most attracts you to Asian females?
Their facial features | 62%
Their physique | 13%
Their attitude and personality | 15%
Their education & cultural values | 10%

Assuming you are an African American male, what most dissuades you from relations with Asian females?
I don't find them physically attractive. | 1%
I don't find their personalities and attitudes appealing. | 6%
I don't think they would find me attractive. | 81%
I'd rather not deal with the disapproval of family and friends. | 12%

Liz,

I trust you will make the right choice. Love is greastest choice one can make. Your parents raised you well and now it's time for you to raise yourself.

NeoKat    Monday, July 08, 2002 at 06:37:12 (PDT)
To Liz,
Do everything your parents say. Forget about the Black man you love and marry whoever your parents tell you to. Even if you don't love the person they recommend you or arrange for you to marry. Too bad you probably live in the USA where such prejudice should have long ago been eliminated...tsk, tsk! The sad thing is that if all you have said is true, especially about the way he makes you feel, etc., and the fear you have of your parents can drown it out so quickly, you can never be strong enough to be with a BLACK man. Thus, the parents have destroyed happiness for you. But it is better than being afraid, right? Who should live in fear?
Good Luck
KamenHanya    Monday, July 08, 2002 at 02:05:51 (PDT)
To Liz (havefaithindestiny),

I was touched by your heartfelt message. First of all, congratulations on finding such a wonderful person. It sounds like the best type of relationship -- you first met as friends, and were close as such for five years before discovering your deeper feelings for one another. Sounds to me like the relationship has really solid foundations. You're right -- you might move on some day to another relationship. You're only 19, and you have so many life experiences ahead of you (many of which will bring you into contact with a lot of good, available men). But you certainly have the right attitude about your current relationship: Live for today, and let life happen as it may.

As for your parents, that is a really difficult situation as far as you are concerned. I have nothing but utter contempt for your mother's attitude towards blacks, as I'm sure everyone else on this board does. But for you, it is of course more complicated. She is your mother, you love her, and I'm sure she is infinitely more things to you than just the woman who apparently considers blacks the lowest people on earth, and the only people unworthy of her daughter.

In the end, Liz, you have to do what is best for you, and what gives you happiness. Let's say that your black boyfriend indeed is THE ONE for you, and you meet no other man who you can come even close to loving as much. You can listen to your mother; cut off the relationship; spend the rest of your life regretting it; and spend the rest of your life looking at the man you DO eventually marry, wishing he was the love of your life that you sent away. Or you can stand up to your parents -- stand up for your life and how you will live it -- and tell them that you love who you love.

I know, easier said than done. I have a lot of Asian and Asian American friends, and in many of them I have seen how their life choices have been shaped by their parents, and how hard it is for them to break away from that. But in the end, Liz, you're on the right of this, and your parents are on the wrong side. Simple as that. Would your parents really take the major step of disowning their only child because of the race of the man she chooses to marry?

But I think your parents have never been challenged on this. Your mother has never been challenged on her notion that a black man is the only kind of man for whom marriage to you is unacceptable. It seems to me, Liz, that you're going to have to be the one to challenge them. And who knows: In the end, after all the difficult times, things could turn out alright.

Good luck!
Pokey    Sunday, July 07, 2002 at 21:16:44 (PDT)
It's good to see so many different people posting and to have so many different issues being brought up. It definitely shows us that there is more than one point of view concerning all of these issues.

In my view it's very hard to always have a clear sense of identity when you are bombarded with negative images of yourself in the media, in your work place, in your neighborhood and at times, in your own home. If you are not blessed with having positive images and reinforcement to counter this, I think it's understandable to feel lost sometimes. I know that African-Americans are not alone in sometimes feeling inferior within their own society. I have heard that Koreans and other ethnic minorities living in Japan and other parts of Asia have also had similar experiences.

I have often heard of situations like the one Liz is in, where your family basically tells you that you can marry anyone (as long as they are not black!) It doesn't matter what kind of man he is, what he does for a living or that he loves and treats their daughter well, his skin color makes him unacceptable in their eyes. So should he simply walk away from her because her family hates him? Should he ask her to be with him anyway and break her heart by tearing her away from her family? Should they just keep seeing each other in secret and hope that is enough for them and that no one else ever finds out?

I guess all I'm saying is that a lot of these situations are made more complicated because of the race issue. they are not impossible though, but each situation has its own "right" way to handle it based on the people involved.

Maybe my world view is a little "naive" compared to others here but I try my best not to judge others here, I think it takes a lot of courage to open up and say what you feel to everyone else here. I also feel that if I'm not you and haven't gone through your experiences how can I tell you what you should or shouldn't do? How can you tell me or anyone else if you haven't been in our shoes?

I think we should share our opinions and give advice and encouragement when we can. It's fine to disagree with people, but I think it's wrong to feel any one person has all the right answers to every situation.

I wish all of you well. I hope that people will stop being ashamed of who they are and stop pretending to be someone else. I hope that families will care more for their children's happiness over what the neighbors will think. I hope that people who "have their act together" will show others who don't yet how to get there as well. I hope that people will still keep posting and will keep the rest of us posted on how things are going in their lives.

Take care everyone.
Thaihorse THAIHORSEyancy@netscape.net    Sunday, July 07, 2002 at 20:13:47 (PDT)

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