When I see an Asian man with a non-Asian woman, I take notice. We all do, because they aren’t so common.
That rarity suggests different things to different people. Some take it as a sign that Asian men aren’t attractive to women of other races. For others it means American stereotypes keep Asian men from getting a fair shake in the mating arena. For still others it means Asian men are ultra-conservative sticks-in-the-mud when it comes to mating options.
As a young man I dated more white girls than Asian girls. Partly, there were more white girls where I grew up. Partly, I was sold early on the idea that girls should be blonde and blue-eyed. So my first girlfriend was a blue-eyed blonde. Then I went to a high school that had more Asian girls. Yet I found myself drawn to white girls. It wasn’t that I didn’t find Asian girls attractive. I saw plenty of cuties, but I didn’t know how to relate to them. White girls were easier to talk to, more on my wavelength.
It wasn’t until late in my high school career that I went out with an Asian girl. That broke the ice. I soon discovered that a high percentage of Asian girls found me attractive. If my odds of getting a yes from a white girl were 1 in 3, my odds with Asian girls were 2 in 3. With those odds, it didn’t take long to shift focus.
But I’m not sure that the diparity between AM/WF and WM/AF couples is due mostly to Asian guys being rejected more by non-Asian girls. I suspect it’s more attributable to Asian guys not approaching white, or black or latina or middle-eastern girls. Of course that may be attributable to a higher rejection rate. There does seem to be a certain percentage of white women who are cool to Asian men. On the other hand, I have met white women who are strongly attracted to Asians, as in, “I’d rather date an average Asian guy than a hot white guy.” I’ll admit they’re rare, but they’re out there.
I have seen a fair number of Asian men, not necessarily the best looking or the most charming or the most successful, with attractive white or black of latina girlfriends. So I know that if an Asian guy tries, he could find himself a non-Asian girl. The fact that there are still so few such couples relative to the reverse pairings suggests, to me, that the limiting factor is a lack of effort rather than a lack of opportunity.
What causes Asian men to shy away from non-Asian women? I’ve heard lots of reasons from Asian male friends and acquaintences, most of them in banter. “I don’t want to have mixed kids.” “They’re spoiled.” “My folks would kill me.” “They’re just big all over.” “They’re golddiggers.” From their responses, I have surmised that there’s some interest but some emotional distancing from the idea of interracial dating.
On the rare occasion when I have felt comfortable pressing them on the issue, I have been told, “I don’t think they’re into Asian guys.” Has he ever asked one out? “I don’t have to, I can tell.”
And of course I can’t argue the point. My own experience had told me that I am more attractive to Asian girls by a factor of two. Why should we pursue non-Asian women? I would agree that an Asian guy surrounded by Asian women who find him attractive would have little motivation — except maybe sexual curiosity — to go out of his way to date non-Asian women. But that isn’t the situation of many Asian men who live and work among mostly non-Asian women. And yet they too are only rarely seen dating outside their race.
To me it’s a sign that Asian American men have let themselves feel disempowered by media images, stereotypes and social expectations from enjoying free rein over a wildly heterogenous pool of available women. A bold Asian male may face twice the rejections, but that can be overcome by approaching twice the number of prospects. Along with the unpleasantness of bigotry he will encounter his share of pleasant surprises from women of all colors. And as half of an interracial couple, he can hold his head up for having beaten stereotypes rather than succumbed to them.
