American Clothes Make American Bodies
By wchung | 22 Feb, 2025

The only way to make your New Year's resolution is to turn your clothes into your allies.

Some have blamed American fast food for the obesity epidemic. I blame American clothes. This is an important and timely topic since the majority of you are probably already strugling with your New Year’s resolutions to lose those unsightly 10 or 20 pounds.

As a guy who wears the same size clothes I wore when I was 20, I can offer a few bits of wisdom to those committed to attaining their ideal proportions.

First, never discard an item of clothes because they are too tight. Instead embrace that item of clothes as the precious little boy who told the emperor he was buck naked. You will have no truer friend in your quest. Wear that souvenir of better days — physicaly speaking — as a constant and unflinching reminder that you need to eat less and exercise more — no matter what kinds of flattering BS you’re hearing from friends and family.

If I am wearing a pair of pants that cinch at the waist and tugs at my crotch, I will eat less of my breakfast, lunch and dinner and remember to get in that run or workout several times a week. While wearing that painful and cruelly honest reminder of my physical degeneration I will run those long flights of steps up to the 38th floor of that highrise instead of stepping into the elevator.

Second, give away all the clothes that currently fit you comfortably, no matter how much you paid for them or how slimming they may seem. They are the serpents leading you astray. If you are reluctant to give them away, you are not committed to shedding ugly fat. Stop reading right now and go eat a chocolate-covered donut.

Know that American clothing brands are shamefully dishonest in their labeling. Three decades ago I had to buy shirts labeled “large” due to my broad shoulders though I was a well proportioned 165 pounds with a 30-inch waist. They fit tolerably well. Today, I would rather buy a pup tent. The shoulders would still fit fine but that shirt would billow at the waist and hang about 5 inches below my crotch like a habit for a sexy nun. That’s the amount of extra fabric they’re allowing these days to cover up that overhang.

U.S. fashion brands have decided to help customers deceive themselves by supersizing everything. The worst are brands like Eddie Bauer, Tommy Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren — the ones for affluent older types willing to pay through the nose for false platitudes. Even brands like Banana Republic and Calvin Klein make fatman shirts. The only place I buy shirts from these days are European brands like Armani Exchange that assume you do your pushups and situps every day.

The deception doesn’t carry over quite as much to pants because, at least nominally for men, they are denominated by waist and inseam measurements. But you would be astounded at how much variation there is between an Eddie Bauer or Ralph Lauren 30 inches and a Calvin Klein, Levi’s or Armani Exchange 30 inches!

About 15 years ago I fell into the trap of buying brands that kept giving me more room as my middle grew. With no honest feedback I ballooned out 14 pounds. Where I had once comfortably worn size 30 pants, I began struggling to fit into some size 32s. That’s when I stopped the cowardly practice of discarding clothes that became too tight and held the line. Within 3 months I was back to size 30. Your pants never lie.

So when buying new clothes, find a brand you like and buy a size that’s too tight for you. Once you have invested hundreds or thousands on clothes you can’t wear comfortably, you will have a constant reminder and an implacable incentive to eat only half that stack of pancakes, eggplant parmagiana panini, bowl of ramen or mocha cake. When those clothes fit comfortably, start buying smaller. You’ll make your New Year’s resolution in no time!

01-12-2010 9.50