Musings on an Uncomfortable Childhood
By wchung | 22 Feb, 2025

I owe a lot to Southern California for helping me assume my identity as an Asian American.

They say that 50% of your personality is genetic and the other 50% a product of your environment in your more formative years. I often wonder how different I would be if I had grown up differently and was exposed to different things through grade school.

The schoolyard is a very harsh and unforgiving space. There’s a visceral understanding that can’t really be put into words and is often communicated in a 30-second flurry of clenched fists and scraped elbows when violated. I grew up in upper-middle class affluence but getting a “proper” education doesn’t automatically make the experience itself “proper”.

I feel like a lot of my personality faults stem from this period of my life. My insecurities, my inability to deal with conflict and much, much more. Unconfident in my own skin as a firstborn Asian-American in a predominately Caucasian suburbanite setting, I dealt with life by becoming a wallflower. If I could minimize the attention I drew on myself in the classroom, in my circle of friends, in my extracurriculars and on the playground, I could successfully cruise through school without incident. My personal goal was never to be the best in any given situation but to always just do enough to get by. Maximal result for minimal effort. And this method worked for me for a little while but in the end, it was still a detriment.

Introversion to a fault can only get you so far. Looking down on yourself won’t help you land a job. I had a lot of growing up to do in my years after high school. Moving to Southern California helped me a lot. Placed in an environment that accepted me quickly and helped me feel comfortable in my own skin, I’ve been able to shake off the misconceptions I had about myself and my identity that had piled up for so many years. I’ve gained the confidence I needed to actually push ahead in life and that’s part of why I love living in Los Angeles so much. It’s the city that helped me come into my own.

And when I come to that realization, I wonder where I would be now if I had lived here in the first place?

03-04-2010 9.14